My mom had to put away the framed photos of my sister and nephew who each died because my dad, who had Alzheimers, asked where they were every time he looked at them. It helped to not have the visual reminder and he eventually stopped asking. I also think it’s best to not tell the truth- reliving the grief of learning that they died was too painful for both my parents.
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Good advise on above replies.
On a logistical note, I assume you have paperwork (POA etc) done… but it’s a good reminder to us all to get that done for our parents and even ourself/spouse.
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I’m glad we did that a long time ago, when my mom thought it was completely unneccessary.
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Having a nice visit with Dad and his wife (staying at a hotel for minimal impact on them). Family reunion tomorrow.
Surprisingly they lucked into finding somebody to just come twice weekly for an hour to do shower. LOL - “she charges for a full hour only though it only took 32 minutes”. Sigh. Not sure the cost, I think $50.
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Many caregiving services require a minimum of 2 or 4 hours per visit, because there is commuting time, etc. They may also require a minimum number of hours/week. It’s wonderful that they found someone and hopefully they liked the person. Maybe they can find things that they would like the person to help them with, to help fill the hour, like helping them with some flexibility/balance/strength exercises, reviewing their Rx, whatever else they are willing to accept help with.
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The big Q is how to avoid being the difficult aging adult who denies they need the help they obviously need, refuses to move to a safer setting than they are in, refuses to quit driving, etc?!?!? We see how hard it is when elders don’t cooperate—how do we avoid becoming them?
My friends are having an agonizing time moving their elders to a safer setting. They have cared for them in the elders’ home for many years while working fulltime, at great sacrifice to their personal health and lives. The elders are denying they need much care and being very balky at all the great options they have been offered, making this transition so much harder on everyone.
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My MIL refused to have “caregivers”. BUT my SIL was her caregiver. Did all the shopping, laundry, cleaned the house, cooked meals, spent several evenings a week with MIL, came over every morning to make sure she had breakfast and meds, and drove her to all appointments, came over every single night to tuck MIL in bed. SIL WAS the caregiver.
I took SIL out to breakfast and explained that if her mother didn’t want a caregiver, SIL needed to stop being one. SIL needed to hire someone at least to do the cleaning and laundry, and cooking. I boldly told SIL that she needed to become the daughter who came to visit, took her mom out (this was when that was possible), worked in the garden, things like that.
SIL actually listened…and hired help was soon initiated a few days a week. Her mother understood that the job of being a caregiver we was different than being a loving daughter.
ETA…MIL had the resources to hire folks. It was not a financial hardship. Plus her six kids were willing to help out if needed…financially…which continues to be unnecessary.
I have told my kids and my husband…I expect them to hire help if I get to the point where I need it.
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My father was reminiscing of a time when neighbors stopped in to help fragile elderly friends he knew with breakfast, getting dressed etc. I pointed out that it’s a whole different thing when diapers are involved and mobility is limited. They need to hire help… he agrees, but his wife is reluctant.
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My dad’s best friend had Parkinson’s with dementia. Dad helped out a lot, but he commented that he had to draw the line at changing his buddy’s diaper (the wife didn’t want that for him either).
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I think we can rely on neighbors for some things, but there are limits. Our neighbor mows the lawn of a woman around the corner who is older and whose dh passed last year. But he is not going to do personal health care.
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Yay, my friend’s mom is SLOWLY, gradually coming around to the fact that they’re moving 8/1. The dad and sister in CA are helping explain it. It’s been a painful time for the friend and her H.
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Yeah, that minimum can be expensive. Visiting Angels in Alabama charges $30/hr for a minimum of two hours, so we pay $60/visit for my mother in law. Here in Seattle, they charge around $57/hr for a minimum of 3 1/2 hrs, so it would be $200 every time they came to see my mom.
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Ugh, my mom just called me in a panic asking about where, “that man” was. Saying that she just made his bed, and he won’t know where to go, since we just dropped him off somewhere, not letting me change the subject. We decided not to keep telling her that her husband died 4 1/2 years ago, and the only way to put her off was to say I’d make some phone calls to find out.
We decided to say he was really busy and the nurse said she’d call us when he was ready. Hoping that stalls things until she forgets again. It’s weird, she was doing just great yesterday. No bra over her shirt, acted like she knew the visiting family members, and seemed just fine.
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Figured I’m overdue to for an update. My father is still in acute rehab, likely for at least another 10 to 14 days. He has made a lot of progress physically. Mentally, he is all over the place. Some days reasonable, some days irrational, most days depressed. He also has started having hallucinations, likely an effect of the anti-depressant.
I am very concerned about what is going to happen when he is discharged. Every professional at rehab is suggesting that he will need at least 12 hours per day of home health assistance. My mother is balking, insisting that she and my father have decided “it is too expensive and annoying to have someone in the house all the time.” She wanted to know what was the minimum they would need. It is like she has developed amnesia about what it has been like to try to care for him 
In a meeting with the OT and PT, she asked how soon they could expect to get him to be able to go upstairs in their house (13 steps). The therapists both said, “probably never going to happen”, and then she was wondering how he would get showered (it is upstairs).
I’m going to give her a couple of days to wrap her head around what it is really going to be like to have him back home and then push for her to agree to 24/7 help when he first comes home. I do not want to get into a catch up situation where it is immediately a disaster and then they’re scrambling to find someone.
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This sounds really challenging, especially to be patient with them as they try (or don’t try) to adjust their expectations.
Could you make a deal with her/them to give it a pilot try for two weeks, or a month (whatever you can find will may e have a minimum)? Can you blame the OT/PT? You know, “they really don’t want to discharge him without this kind of help so let’s humor them for now, and after a month we’ll sit down and decide what comes after that” ?
S2 was very ill for a long time as a kid. When they put us in a private conference room and were explaining he was dying, my first question was “when can he go back to school” so they tried explaining again. I mention this only in a context of sometimes your brain just literally cannot process something. (My 30-something kid is doing just fine)
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I’m coming off the final 2 weeks of AL move in and have some strong feelings.
Among other things, I learned about how cognitive decline can be so well masked and one of the signs could be complete irrationality for situations like you’ve mentioned and over-reliance on magical thinking.
Do I remember that your preferred situation is that he be in an AL and she just visit every day? They go together? Is there a social worker on the scene? Doesn’t seem like any of those professionals would sign off on releasing/returning him to 2 story living in sole care of your mother.
Honestly, I would gang up on her. Siblings? Physician? PT and OT? Friends? Have a full intervention. It is not safe for either of them to be in that situation. He will get stronger faster in a facility with continued easy access to therapies, regular meals, bathing assistance, etc. If 24/7 at home assistance is your answer, definitely don’t negotiate, but keep explaining why it is mandatory. Maybe she just wants to be able to think/say that she tried to do it all herself, but you all wouldn’t let her, and needs an out. Maybe she isn’t rational, which is even more reason to force the issue.
I’m sorry for the pain, sorrow and frustration you are experiencing, these are horrible transitions to navigate.
xo
the devil
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To me the amount of help he needs (bathing, etc.) requires skilled nursing facility not assisted living. Before release have the rehab give you a level of care assessment, this is a standard checklist for the patients needs which determines what type of care he requires.
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If he can’t climb stairs and the only bathroom is upstairs I don’t see how he can go home - even if he lives upstairs and someone brings him food, etc., what about doctor appts? What if there is a fire while he’s upstairs and they don’t have any help in the house?
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My dad and stepmother expressed the same misgivings about hired help. But they actually enjoyed the company of aides and it didn’t take too long (weeks, not months) for that to begin.
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I would really work closely with the discharge planner for the medical center and talk about the logistics of the home where the elders live–especially NO bathroom on ground floor and the # of steps and what has happened in the past when the male was verbally abusive to the female. These are important things to be considered.
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