@Colorado_mom my Mom is in a larger city in Southern California and we were able to find that kind of care for my Dad when it was needed. People that live in smaller cities and towns will have fewer choices.
I talked with my Mom yesterday about her sister that lives in south western PA. My aunt is 92 and the rehab hospital released her to her home with the stipulation that someone comes to check on her a couple of times a week. My cousins have not been able to find anyone to come because the area is very rural so there are not many home aids available. So my aunt is on her own and has already fallen twice. She was on the floor for 5 hours before her youngest son found her. Both of my cousins are afraid of their mother and will not force her to do anything. My Mom said she will go back the beginning of December to visit my aunt for two weeks. I said to my Mom you will go if she is still alive. I don’t see this ending well.
My dad has a for real discharge date. Next Wednesday. Mom has arranged to have an aid at the house in time for their arrival and to remain long enough to get him ready for bed (4 hours). Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I am out of town next week.
As of right now, she is planning on having someone daily for 4 hours (9am-1pm). I guess she feels she will be able to manage putting him to bed.
I think this is a disaster in the making, but at this point, she’s going to have to learn the hard way (or maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised to be completely wrong).
Have they posted on a local Facebook page? Called the local senior center? Immigrant assistance agency? There are people who will do this - not through an agency so it’s a leap of faith, but if they are referred by an organization or have references it might be worth it. If it’s just checking on her and helping around the house (little to no personal care) they don’t need a CNA or even a PCA so the options are more open. If I were in this situation honestly I’d call my friend who runs an agency that works with new immigrants and ask if there was anyone who needed the work who she trusts. I wouldn’t ask questions about the person’s status and I’d pay cash. Sometimes you do what you have to do.
I spent a lot of time on my dad’s financial affairs yesterday. What a mess. I’ll be on a conference call with him and his financial advisor shortly. He wasn’t answering his phone yesterday, and somebody finally told me the reason is that he left it at his condo on the coast. I’m not sure what he would do without my sister and me…
Of course it’s not my parents, but I like this plan because it will give mom a while to get used to and hopefully comfortable with having this person in her home. Here’s hoping!
So you know how you need the other half of the story.
Local wants to move in with his girlfriend of less than 2 years. No problem with that. She lives where she does because that’s where her daughter is. It’s 1/2 hour from mil.
Girlfriend and local cooked up this idea that mil move to assisted living near her. Local would sell his house and buy a cottage 3 hours from him.
Mil has lived within 5 miles of her house for her entire 90 years. She doesn’t need assisted living, independent living, she would thrive. But why would she want to move to a neighboring town when she has friends and things she does where she lives now? To be near local who is out of town most weekends and works during the week? Mil looked at the assisted living place and it’s not that nice. There is a very nice independent living community near where she is now and has friends.
I like the girlfriend but sometimes it all feels pretty manipulative.
Never mind my ta-daaa on finding home healthcare aid. Dad’s wife seems to have decided that even a one week trial with two 2hour shifts is not worthwhile. She gives a variety of excuses, including the fact that schedules would not be totally consistent (aid works 2 weekday evenings/week at hospital, and each month subject to rotation). Sis (who is also long distrance) and I are sooo frustrated.
Happy news—friends’ folks who moved to carefully chosen family care on Friday are finally settling. On Thursday, my friends wrote that there was only one meltdown on Wednesday and no texts from care home or mom on Thursday. The parents originally threatened to call the cops!
The geriatrician prescribed something to reduce the mom’s anxiety and help her get settled. It appears to be helping, along with the excellent caregivers and puppy at the care home.
The friends are finally thinking about getting a season subscription to local community theater for evenings again, since they won’t be on parent caregiving duty at nights any more!
When he was discharged in Feb after UTI hospitaliztion/rehab, there were concerns about stabilizing blood pressure with all the stairs. They tried the aid recommended by rehab center - 5 weekday mornings for 5 hours, big disaster. (The aid was good at diapers and biweekly showers but did little else - mostly napped and watched things on his cellphone). Only lasted 2 weeks . When he was discharged in May after hospitalization/rehab for numb leg and arm (NOT a stroke - yay, now better), there was only Medicare provided shower aid (rarely showed up) and OT and PT (PT has been renewed, still ongoing). His wife does A LOT, but it makes her tired/grumpy. She reallly needs help, and everybody but her recognizes this.
Somehow my Mom had someone place a phone call for her to speak to Preferred today; she was very agitated about “going home on Sunday” and where was allher stuff and why wasn’t he there yet, etc…Really rattled him a lot. He was asking me about private care wraparounds for the first time. I was mostly thinking “yikes how did she get to a phone”? You’d like a little context.
I spoke with her caseworker and PT lead – there is no current plan to move her and they assured me that wouldn’t happen without our knowledge anyway. All are in agreement that she is working towards going back to the familiar surroundings of her old room.
She wants control. It seems you all helped things get ‘caught up’ but she has to decide to have the help - even if your dad goes w/o some personal care he needs. At what point would it be considered elder abuse? Maybe she will ‘break down’ in some way to let help come in.
Tonight, I went to a meeting at our local Respiratory Therapy program at our community college. One of the people there was a retired MD who had been on our Nonprofit Board of Directors. She is now 86 and said she put her name in at the family nursing home next to the church where she’s been a member and volunteer for a long time. It’s where her mom lived for years. The owners are an ICU nurse and her H, a retired chef with expertise in Japanese cuisine. He makes special meals for each person, including visiting guests. The house has 5 bedrooms for patients, each with a private bath. The owners have a 3 year old D, so my friend is confident the owners will continue to run the hum for many years. It’s in the valley where she and I live and it sounds very attractive!
Her husband has a chronic lung condition and may need care sooner than later.
She said she has no interest in a huge facility, like the one my folks lived in, as it can be very lonely (as it was for my folks).
Today is my MILs 94th birthday. Some out of town relatives are visiting, and the local sib is planning a “small” birthday party with cake only and there will be about 8 or 9 people. Hopefully it will go well.
For anyone in Southern California, this was just in the news- SDSU (not to be confused with UCSD or USD) is building a senior living community. We have no parents left, and hope to stay in our house, with any help necessary, but it’s good to know this could one day be an option.
I texted my retired MD friend this morning, asking if a particular family care home (I found by searching online) is the one she favors because I’d be curious about it as well, if we need one. It would be nice to stay in the area. She made the home sound like a lovely place!
I’ll be on a conference call with him and his financial advisor shortly. He wasn’t answering his phone yesterday, and somebody finally told me the reason is that he left it at his condo on the coast. I’m not sure what he would do without my sister and me…