What is a “family care home”?
1 Like
Gen X is really leaning into this “we raised ourselves” trope hard these days. It’s just everywhere.
2 Likes
I deleted my original comment but will recreate it since someone agreed with me lol!
To me, I feel that there has been a generation that has been told to find the bliss in their lives and to do only those things that they want to.
There are things we need to do that we don’t always want to.
I was talking to a friend whose child was complaining about a task she had to do. My friend remarked that it seems as if her kid doesn’t realize that we worked also. My friend was a single mother.
7 Likes
One of our neighbors had one. She converted her walkout basement in our nice neighborhood into 5 rooms with handicap bathrooms.
She hired a staff (at least until Covid hit) who took care of her ladies. She only had single ladies, they could bring their dogs.
She cooked her ladies good food and gave them a home type place to be.
Unfortunately my neighbor had some health problems and had to quit caregiving, they had to move their residents in a short amount of time.
To me and this is my opinion only, it was nice but I don’t think there were the social activities that my mom received at her place. But people seemed to like it. Also I would not live full time in a walkout basement no matter how nice it might be
2 Likes
So this is like when stay at home moms run a licensed daycare for babies, toddlers, out of their house? But for elders? I did not know that was a thing.
And yes, if my adult children tell me one more time how hard it is to go to work, or go to work and then HAVE TO DO LAUNDRY?!? or COOK DINNER?! The horror, the horror. I will say that our new grandbaby has given S/DIL a new respect for us and our resilience…
7 Likes
Family care homes vary greatly. The one my friend likes has 5 resident rooms, each with private bathroom (like studios). All are furnished. They eat 3 meals & 2 snacks/day, family style that are provided and also have group activities and a garden and courtyard. They provide transportation to medical appts as well.
Other family care homes may differ and have shared rooms and shared bathrooms. Staffing and meals can vary as well, plus pricing. Good ones are great—bad ones can be horrible.
5 Likes
I totally appreciate what you all are saying (I recently reminded my D22 that working is what adults do and stop being all exhausted because you worked a long day) but I was responding to the article and Gen X (not Gen Z) not wanting to take care of their parents because mom didn’t read to them or give them emotional support when they were growing up. There’s this whole line of thinking /perverse pride out there that Gen X was the last feral generation, that grew up without the internet and was told not to come home until the street lights came on and essentially raised themselves in the absence of emotionally aware parents. There’s a kernel of truth to it of course, but it’s a bit tiresome (note: I am technically baby boom but just barely - so I don’t really fit in either generation but probably more Gen X than boomer despite my birth year).
3 Likes
Your explanation was why I deleted my original comment and then put it back because @greenbutton agreed and commented on it.
Felt that what I said, it wasn’t your intention. I was veering off topic. I also read the article and agree completely with you.
2 Likes
I find all this Gen X exceptionalism tiresome. They are obnoxious. lol No one on here, of course! 
Generation Joneser, tail-end of the Boomers, representing.
4 Likes
Yep, and I think that’s the reason there’s so much estrangement. Adult children think they deserved the perfect childhood, and if theirs doesn’t meet that definition, their upbringing was traumatic.
And I loved the child’s example of parents not caring - being told by Mom to stay out until the street lamps came on. Ha, that was typical when I was a kid, and it was awesome. But now kids don’t know what to do with themselves outside, and it’s torture.
I really wonder what will happen when these young people have children who grow up. They will probably be surprised that their kids don’t see THEM as perfect.
4 Likes
I think we need to look at the idea of caring in many ways. Some of us are caring for our parents by personally helping with some day to day needs (getting them food, doing chores for them, driving them to the doctor, etc.), some of us are caring for our parents by overseeing their finances, some of us are caring for our parents by offering advice and help with decisions, some of use are caring for our parents by contributing financially to their support, some of us are caring by making sure their needs are met by people and places who are paid to do this (aides, care facilities, etc.), this is all caring in my opinion!
13 Likes
As a Gen X’er, what I take exception to is being expected by my & my spouse’s parents to just automatically do everything their way “because that’s just what you’re supposed to do.” Husband & I have struggled for many years to honor & respect our parents yet at the same time, have some boundaries.
This has been our experience. Other people might have had different experiences. Their experiences are valid just like ours are.
What I personally have objected to re: requirements & expectations from my & husband’s Boomer generation parents are things like the following:
- We, the adult children, are not allowed to have any immediate family-only vacations (me, husband, our 2 kids). Must always include husband’s mom (my MIL) otherwise she would get super offended & really angry, like we were cutting her out of the family.
- We, the adult children, are not allowed to spend any vacation time/PTO on an immediate-family only vacation. You must only spend your vacation time visiting relatives. This was a requirement of my parents. As a result, they were/are always mad at us.
- Husband must put his mom’s needs above the needs of his own wife & kids. The parent of the adult child(ren) always comes first. The adult child(ren) must always put the parent first because “that’s just what you do” and “well, that’s what **I** did for MY mother, so now I deserve the same” (yes, her exact words).
- Adult child, spouse, & kids must go visit the parents at their home annually for at least 1 week, preferably 2. Doesn’t matter that the parents chose to retire 2000 miles away from the adult children. Doesn’t matter that the adult child & immediate family are spending a mortgage payment on daycare and can’t afford airfare. Doesn’t matter that the adult child & immediate family don’t actually HAVE that much PTO available to use for 1-2 wk (you know, because the kids get sick a lot when they’re younger and you have to use PTO days to stay home w/your sick kid). “WE didn’t HAVE a choice. We HAD to do that. Now we’re ‘old’ and we’re entitled to have you do this for us. This is just how things work.”
- The older parents won’t ever call us, we have to call them. They won’t call you back either if you leave a voicemail. If you’re lucky, you might get a weird text message. My dad hasn’t ever called either of his grandchildren. The requirement is that we all are supposed to be reaching out to him. Apparently his phone only works 1 way. When confronted about this, the excuse is always something dumb like “Well, when I went away to college, I HAD to call home once a week and write a letter home to my parents once a week. This is just what you’re supposed to do. This is how these things work.”
- They won’t actually communicate that they have all of these rules. We’re expected to somehow know them through osmosis or something. When we don’t follow their made up rules, they get mad at us, but they won’t actually tell us that they’re frustrated or mad. So they hold onto it for weeks. In 1 case, they were mad for SEVEN YEARS because my husband wouldn’t shave right before we’d meet up with my parents.
We paid for the roof over my MIL’s head for 16 years before she died. Paid for her housing so she wouldn’t have a mortgage or any rent to have to worry about. Instead of putting money away for a college fund, we housed my MIL. It was never enough. MIL told my husband that it’s the duty of the child to sacrifice everything they have for the parent.
In the weeks after my eldest daughter died 3 months ago, my elderly dad has repeatedly demanded that my sister and I tell him exactly how eldest daughter killed herself, where exactly she was found, in what manner, etc. And on top of that, repeated text messages saying that he is in ‘deep mourning’ over my daughter’s death and that I am required to call him and make him feel better.
And every. single. phone. call includes a demand to know how she killed herself.
So yeah, I’m definitely in the category of “stick a fork in me ‘cuz I’m done.” I have spent my entire adult life being accommodating and catering to and juggling all of my & my husband’s Boomer generation relatives’ expectations, demands, requirements, etc. Twisted myself into knots every stinking holiday trying to figure out how to make them all happy while also trying to figure out how we could end up without all of our parents NOT being frustrated or jealous of each other.
We did more than many adult children were willing or able to do for my MIL. We helped her a LOT in many many ways. My dad? I’m not helping him. And I don’t regret it one bit. He is an angry, spiteful, manipulative, passive-aggressive person. Just because you share DNA with somebody doesn’t mean you are required or obligated to be their in house servant for the rest of their lives.
My husband and I finally stopped the multi-generational toxicity and stupid nonsense that each of our families of origin kept up with…they kept doing it because they felt like they had no choice. There’s always a choice.
Sometimes the best thing for one’s elderly parent is for them to live in a senior-focused care facility or community of some type. Have I made such suggestions to my dad? YES. Will he listen? NO.
Why? Because he’s cheap. And he’s stubborn. And he has ridiculous ideas like “Those mother truckers aren’t going to get my money, screw them.” (only he didn’t say mother trucker)
Have my parents ever offered to help us out with anything financially? No. When my husband was transferring to SJSU and I was starting a tech job in Silicon Valley and apartment occupancy was 99% and there was literally NOTHING available to rent and I asked my mom if we could live with them for a couple of months while I looked daily for an apartment, what did she say? “Oh, that won’t work for us. You can stay here at most for 2 weeks. After that, you’ll have to figure something out.” I told her, “So you do know, don’t you, that this means that there’s a good possibility we’ll have to live out of our cars, right? You’re ok with me being homeless?” She said, “Yes. You’ll have to figure it out.”
If people don’t like all of whatever the heck the ‘Gen X exceptionalism’ talk is on social media, then don’t watch the videos/reels/shorts. Skip it. Unplug from all that. Go outside and take a walk.
….because none of that stuff matters at the end of the day.
(end rant)
18 Likes
I am Gen X and I must say that my childhood was absolutely feral and it definitely molded how I parent my own kids. It also greatly affects my interactions with my mother as she ages and has what I consider to be her unrealistic expectations. Also, I was offended by the idea that sometimes we just have to do things we don’t want to do or that are hard - actually, I don’t.
3 Likes
A good family care home is really appealing for 99 year old MIL. She avoids group situations - has difficulty staying awake during group activities (probably because she can barely hear or see) - they hold no interest for her. She does better in smaller group situations. In addition, a good care home has staff members who are working with a small number of residents, in a more “present” way, and the residents are likely to have their needs met relatively quickly. Oh, and they eat together like a family … they won’t just drop a take-out box of food in the room (because “she didn’t want to go down to the dining room”) & expect her to eat it by herself in her recliner.
6 Likes
Haha, apparently I was channeling my inner boomer Karen!
Parenting has changed so much through the years. My mom was parented differently than she did. I parented differently than my children do. Doesn’t mean one is right or wrong. But as the boomer I am, I am sometimes confused.
For instance visiting us. I don’t expect my kids to come all the time. We travel to them. But is it wrong to want them to travel to me? My one child hasn’t been here for 5 years. My grandchild has never been to my house. It’s ok and I’ve come to that conclusion that they aren’t coming here. I never mention it, doesn’t mean that in my mind, not ever said out loud. If that makes me unreasonable, ok.
9 Likes
FWIW I don’t think that’s an unreasonable ask!
(The rest of my response is not directed to deb922 but in general about boomers/Gen X and caregiving.)
There was a sweet spot for us when our D was very young and my parents were retired that it was much much easier for them to travel to us. And they did. I don’t think my D was at my parents’ house more than once after we moved out of driving distance. So between the ages of 1 and 4, they traveled to us (we also moved three times in those three years so we had a lot going on with my H’s job). Then my parents moved closer to us and we saw them at least weekly, alternating houses, then when D turned 8 I saw them 3-4 times/week when I was helping with caregiving and such (that’s when my mom started to decline). I spent 10 years directly helping with caregiving and then H had to make a job change and we moved again.
My dad refused having full time help and without me coming every other day, he opted to place my mom in a memory care. It was a beautiful place and honestly a safer option for her with me being out of state. It was the right decision to make. I was there every other month and any time there was a hospitalization (too often), called daily, and managed all the health care power of attorney stuff. But my dad went to his grave blaming me for my mom going to memory care.
I will admit that I was fully physically and mentally exhausted by the time we moved trying to parent my own family and help with my aging parents. And interestingly both grandparents (on both sides of the family) were in CCRCs the last few years of their lives, yet somehow there was an expectation that I was going to run myself into the ground to keep my parents in their home. IMO, it was an unreasonable ask and nearly cost me my marriage and my sanity. (Thank goodness for good therapy).
The 15+ years of being told I was never doing enough, never available enough, just plain not good enough took a big toll on me and with my relationship with my father. And my childhood was no bed of roses (alcoholism, verbal abuse, being routinely placed in unsafe situations with “grope-y” family friends, and I got the same “not enough” message as a kid too). It took a lot of work for me to be able to set healthy boundaries especially when my parents always pretended like everything was hunky dory and we were the Cleavers so most people did not know what went on behind closed doors.
I guess my point is that every family is different. No one truly knows what has gone on inside someone else’s walls and inside their hearts and souls. I think we can all extend each other grace that we all try to do the best we can.
11 Likes
I also hate this idea - I don’t like or understand the “you need to do things that are out of your comfort zone” thinking. I never did and I never expected my daughter to either.
Yes, you need to do some things that are part of life that aren’t fun - brush your teeth, laundry, pay bills, etc., but otherwise you should chose to do the things that bring you joy.
Also, I firmly believe that you need to take care of yourself first, then you spouse and children, and then your parents - in that order. We always made our daughter our priority in our lives, but I never felt that I sacrificed anything to accomplish this. My parents always acted like they had sacrificed things to raise us, and I disagreed. Yes, I was the bad daughter, the one who didn’t call daily, didn’t visit for every holiday/birthday, etc. I made peace with that ages ago, never tried to be the good daughter and instead lived my life the way I wanted to live it.
6 Likes
We are wandering off topic but I don’t understand this and I’d like to. I don’t enjoy (just for an example) driving 6 hrs to explain again to my mom that she isn’t dead, bc my siblings have things that theyhave to do as well so it’s my “turn”. Is your thought that I shouldn’t to do that? thanks for expanding if you’ve got time. Maybe what’s at play here is a generational definition of “have to do”
1 Like
Does explaining to your mom that she isn’t dead actually work - does you telling her in person change anything? Seeing as you used again in your post - I don’t thing it works? Would just telling her over the phone have the same effect? Is she living alone, is there nobody she interacts with who could do the same thing? Is this actually a symptom of something else that needs to change - maybe she needs to be on some meds to help her anxiety? Would your time be better spent talking to a doctor to have them prescribe something that makes this stop happening to her?
1 Like
I totally get what @greenbutton is talking about. When my brother suddenly turned over responsibility for my mercurial dad and self-absorbed stepmother, I did it because they had no one else. My daughter was in eighth grade and they lived an hour away from us. Thanks, therapy, my relationship with dad improved over the next five years but at first every time I entered their house, the PTSD was strong. But I knew he loved me fiercely and really, there was no one else. Her son lived in Colorado and my other brother lived in St. Croix. They had outlived all their friends. I swear, sometimes even after a couple of years, he asked me to come because he wanted to make sure i would.
@greenbutton, maybe therapy (assuming you’re not there yet) would help you find boundaries that don’t hurt mom (or make it at least ok for her) but make it a little easier to cope with the burden. xoxoxo
2 Likes