Maybe the point of the article is generational differences in balancing parents’ needs and our wants adequately?
And to answer a few questions: me talking to my mom in person is much more effective, she does not have a phone, she cannot take anti anxiety meds, and her doctors have been consulted (but I assume those are rhetorical questions anyway). So we consider these sorts of trips “must do” items, if only to relieve my sibs of some of the tasks. Other people might find them pointless, and that’s okay too; sometimes I do too. To be clear, even a year ago Mom did not need this sort of support, and would not want us to give up too much to support her. But having lost my dad, I know I need to look back at these years with minimal regrets.
Each of us has to do what we feel is best for each unique relationship - and what is best for one parent or in law might not be best for another, although we do learn from previous experiences. I honestly don’t know how my dad did so much for his horrible parents, but he did … and two of his siblings ran the other way to escape having to help. My dad actually understood, because he hated himself for feeling so obligated to his parents. These things are messy.
I am so sorry for your family dynamics. Items 1 -3 are especially NOT universal things. As I am sure you understand now, your nuclear family is paramount, and spouses should put each other first above anyone else.
I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. Your father could use a good tutorial on RING THEORY and where he sits. (But I suspect it would fall on deaf ears).
It sounds like you have figured out how to stop accommodating but of course it still is hard.
To be clear, I am not saying Gen X isn’t working hard or whatever. It’s that Gen X acts like they invented working hard, being feral, etc.
I’ve been thinking about posting about a situation that I’m trying to help a friend with that speaks to a lot of what people are saying. I was never sure whether it made more sense in the no-contact thread or here or the grandparents thread or Say It Here so I just never wrote about it, but people are touching on so many aspects of it.
As I did write on the no-contact thread, norms are changing. My friend and myself and so many others jumped through all kinds of hoops to make sure our kids saw their grandparents. Now, so many kids don’t work as hard to make that happen. Truthfully, I don’t know how to think about that. Part of me is proud that kids are setting boundaries and aren’t doing things just because it is “expected,” like so many of us did. But part of me is a little sad for my friend (and others) that the ground shifted on them and now they still are the ones traveling if they want to see the grandkids (I don’t have grandkids so this isn’t my issue, yet anyway). Like @deb922 one of her grandkids has never been to her house, and one has been there once in six years. She travels three or four times a year across the country to see them, but recently she got a scathing letter from her DIL that mentioned how she hosts her in-laws so much more than her local friends do. Of course, my thought was maybe those friends sometimes travel to see their in-laws once in a while.
Because we were raised with these familial expectations, we are taking care of people who may not have been the best parents. Will the next generation do the same for us? I hope so.
I don’t know what the answer to it all is. I agree with @oldmom4896 that therapy helps. I really don’t know how it would’ve turned out for my family if I hadn’t worked on coping skills when dealing with my mom and sibs.
Good luck to everyone. This is such a difficult stage of life.
My kids both came to visit us recently in separate non-overlapping visits. I think it may be due to H’s recent ER visits and cancer treatments. D said it was that she got a great fare and wanted to celebrate my birthday with me—I’ll take it!
S was here for his 20th year HS reunion! The time has flown!
Normally they do come at least once over the holidays and then when they have an event to attend (weddings, special parties, etc). They will both be here for some time in October for two weddings of their 1st cousins (both of whom currently live in LA). D plans to spend the entire month with us while S plans to come for a while & then leave & return.
Both kids were relieved we seem to be doing fine and are happy the painters are doing a nice job of painting the outside of our home.
My mom texted me this past winter to insist I drive 90 minutes to shovel them out after a storm. The answer is no. Call the plow guy. She refuses to care that my dad wants to move because he’s lonely and can’t keep up with the house anymore. Her plan is no plan and then she’ll live with me - again the answer is no. She asked my H to drive 3 hours to pick her up a chicken coop she saw on FB. 3 hours to get it, then 4 hrs to her house, then 90 minutes back home. On a whim she asked and then is angry when the answer is no. This is a woman who is basically here every weekend for dinner and when I suggest we go look at a retirement community down the street she attacks.
I will do everything possible to help my parents find the place where they need to be - a place I know is better than where they are now. I will not become their caregiver. I do resent my mom acting like it is my responsibility.
I honestly do NOT want a family member to be my caregiver. We can afford to hire care and I want my family to be family. I can hire caregivers, I can’t hire family! I love my family and don’t want them to do the tasks I can’t do when I can hire people to help.
The only “parent” DH and I have left is his mother, my MIL. They chose to originally live far away from all family (closest of their kids was about 5 hours away) when they retired. They relocated two additional times in that area before it became clear they needed some help. They chose to move nearest on of their adult children, and frankly, that was a good move for them. But everyone else was still 6 hours drive or a plane ride away. But at that point, they really only needed to have someone accompany them to doctors appointments. And the local sibling did so.
But as FIL aged (and developed advanced dementia), they needed more help but were very resistant to hiring people. They eventually did, which was good because then local sibling could actually be their daughter and not their caregiver.
FIL passed a number of years ago.
The other five siblings are usually available to come and spell this local sibling for a week to ten days, and each does that at least several times a year…or more. MIL has 24/7 excellent caregivers. And celebrated a birthday in her 90’s yesterday. I’m sure she enjoyed the cake. I’m quite sure she had no idea it was her birthday.
DH will be visiting her this week…and hopes this time, she will be awake when he is there. Last time, she was not.
Everyone pitches in as they can. It’s not easy having them a distance away fro most of us, but these siblings really try to make it there as much as possible.
And they have a sibling phone conference about every 6 weeks…or more often if needed.
My four brothers and I shared making the plane trip to visit our parents over a period of several years - through my mom’s health decline and my dad’s health issues (Mom passed away in her mid 70’s, Dad in his early 80’s). One brother passed away during that time, and my dad & other brothers drove cross country together to take care of his things - I flew to stay with my mom. We made sure someone visited my parents at least every couple weeks. It was very difficult, because we had families and jobs and businesses to juggle with the demands, but we all pitched in and made it work. Our parents never asked for help - they actually would have been okay without it, because they had transportation & a network of friends - but we wanted to be there for them in their difficult times. Being far away was hard, though.
Yes, we were glad we all lived on same island as my folks. One or another of us tried to visit them every day. They had pretty much stopped socializing, so WE were their socialization. Literally on the day of dad’s funeral, the CCRC where mom lived told me that they were locking down the facility and no one would be allowed out of their room. Meals would be delivered to each room. They didn’t want the residents to get one another ill (even though there were no active cases anyone knew of). The residents also would NOT be allowed any visitors.
I moved mom out that day and moved her to my house. We couldn’t have her stay by herself and have no visitors, especially right after burying dad, whom had lived with her for over 50 years!
After I was exhausted by having mom stay with me for a few weeks, my sister took mom for a few weeks an after she was exhausted, we had mom stay at a different child’s home every night. I’m sure it was confusing for her, but it was the best we could do and in some ways it was good that she was able to spend time with the family members she didn’t see as often normally.
Eventually, the CCRC allowed people to move back and have visitors. We realized mom needed someone to be with her at night and we ended up hiring 24/7 companions. We still made a point of having one or more of us visit her every day. It worked for us. One of my brothers handled all the finances (he was their legal & medical POA) but he spent the least time physically with mom.
I am in a bind now as far as what to tell my mother. She was asking questions about “that guy” who used to live in her house and was moving back….meaning my dad, who has been dead for 4 1/2 years. I was able to change the subject, say they will call when it’s time to get him, and I thought she’d forgotten. But she hasn’t.
She has now moved her stuff upstairs and made the downstairs bed (that she has been sleeping in since he passed away), has cleaned the house and thinks that her father is moving back in. I think she’s totally forgotten about my dad (her husband of 62 years) and thinks her father owns the house, and is coming back. I’m trying to change the subject, and assure her that she owns the house, but she’s making plans and taking actions, so I’m afraid she’s not going to let it drop. I don’t know what to say. I keep changing the subject and then saying I have to go, but I don’t know how this is going to end.I wonder if it’s possible to tell someone with dementia that they have memory loss.
We would smile and try to talk about something that made her happy—reminiscing about happy times, operas she enjoyed, us (her kids). Usually one of these things would help redirect her or whatever was on TV—often cooking/baking shows that the companions enjoyed.
When we’d tell her we — H, me and she — were going to get shots, she’d say (reflexively—dad too). We’d smile and say, “Nah, he doesn’t need them in heaven.”. She’d smile and agree. It worked for us. She wouldn’t get upset, as she knew at some level that he was gone.
So my dad is on two waiting lists for retirement communities. One is a CCRC and one is really just a 55+ apartment complex that included meals, cleaning, activities etc but no care. He hasn’t even mentioned it to my mom. In his defense, he can tell her today and she’ll forget all about it in 5 minutes. He is supposed to attend an open house lunch at one of the places this Thursday with my mom, but I don’t think he will get her to go.
I think I would just say, “that’s wonderful, to have something to look forward to.” Even if you managed to convince her that her father has been dead for many years, she’d forget that tomorrow. It’s “smile and nod” time, as long as she’s physically safe.
i think it’s okay to tell her that nobody is moving back in with her, that it’s okay to wait and do those things later – but I agree that it’s unlikely to stop her, or forestall the possibility that she’ll be upset when she realizes nobody is coming. My own mom has a big fat sign on her bed telling her where we are — hasn’t stopped her from wandering the halls looking for us at least once a week. Dementia, I am learning, is a lot of repetitious behaviors but I try to just think in terms of safety now.
Sometimes she is frustrated by how confused she is; little moments of knowing something had gone wrong ---- then we tell her she fell, and has a concussion, so there’s a reason she is wonky. THat seems to help her.
I do wonder if we should start bringing up our dad again. We had been bringing him up pretty much every time we saw her (at least once a week) for years. My dad was eccentric, interesting, there are so many things we’d say and chuckle about. She always laughed along and agreed. We have stopped talking about him, afraid it’s going to trigger more of this behavior, and her asking about him.
I do wonder if we should start talking about him again and if we should tell her about her life, that she’s probably forgotten. She was a Boeing engineer, with multiple degrees, back in the day when women rarely did that. I think I would want to know about my life, if I was her, but maybe she doesn’t.
My mom is just in the beginning stages of dementia but I do tell her she’s confused sometimes. It’s one of the main reasons she can’t come back and live at home so I feel like I have to tell her that. At her stage she actually remembers I said that and tries to “prove” she’s not that confused - but she’s all mixed up about the date or the time or her age - so it just discourages her. Then she tries to blame it in a lack of a schedule at the facility. But she does remember stuff - she was insistent it was January a couple weeks ago and I was equally insistent it was July. When I came s few days later she told me triumphantly it was July. Of course it had become August in the meantime so she was still wrong, but it showed she remembered the conversation? I’m guessing now, a week later, she’d be all mixed up again. Anyway, I assume there’s a point where I’ll move to smile and agree all the time, instead of just sometimes, but we are not there yet.
In his defense, he can tell her today and she’ll forget all about it in 5 minutes. He is supposed to attend an open house lunch at one of the places this Thursday with my mom, but I don’t think he will get her to go.