One of the things my mom has enjoyed is looking at old photos, old documents, etc. I was afraid it might make her sad but the solidity of those memories really seem to ground her.
6 Likes
My mom liked talking about the past and looking at pictures too. It didn’t seem to make her sad. I think you don’t have anything to lose by talking about your dad again.
5 Likes
On my last two visits with Dad (age 99, very sharp) we’ve gone through old letters/cards. He trashed most, kept a few. The nice thing is he had the opportunity to reminisce, share memories with me.
5 Likes
We bought mom a digital picture frame and gave everyone the email so they could add photos to it. I had it set for 60 seconds per photo. When we were with her, we’d talk about the photos and people in the photos as they scrolled along randomly. It gave us all more to talk about. Mom remembered all of us (her children and our spouses and her grandkids) and called us by our correct names. She was a bit fuzzy about the great grandkids but that’s understandable because it was a more recent memory and she didn’t see them as often.
I put in most of the photos but others added pictures too. Mom enjoyed looking at the photos. We did speak of dad to mom after he died. It was good to speak of him and it didn’t make any of us uncomfortable, including mom.
9 Likes
I was talking to a friend yesterday who had just spent some time with her 81 year old mother. Her mother is at a crossroads, needs some help, her house is too much for her, etc. The mother was lamenting not be able to get places, she lives just outside a medium sized US city. The daughter loaded her Uber app on her mother’s phone with her account to use if she needs it. The mother said “We don’t have Uber here!” Reminded me so much of this thread.
5 Likes
Is the mom wrong about not having Uber?
This reminds me of my mom. Starting about a year or two before she died she became such an unreliable reporter. She would tell me things on the phone that later my brother or sister would say weren’t true. ARGH. That is one reason she always had someone at her medical appts.
4 Likes
Local called my H again today.
He and his mother’s account of things are very different.
The issue today was that he went over to her house yesterday at dusk, she was in the back yard watering her flowers. 
Mil’s mobility is not good on her living room, much less her backyard!
My H had a conversation with her last week about an emergency alert button, an Apple Watch, anything since she also doesn’t carry her phone.
My H told her that she could make things easier such as ordering her groceries to be delivered. Using uber. Making use of the Apple Watch. Instead she is using poor judgment that aren’t going to turn out well.
Mil says she’s going to look at independent living but not move until the spring. To me that screams, I’m not serious about any move. Why would you stay in your house all winter, why not move now?
This is not for the faint of heart!
14 Likes
Having an extra person at medical appts is very helpful when the patient has poor/faulty memory. The provider has to rely on info provided and a smiling, nodding person provides very little useful info. That is why I took over taking my folks to all medical visits.
3 Likes
Yes, the mom is wrong!
2 Likes
Maybe she knows that springtime is best for selling a house?
It never hurts to start looking into independent living now as some have long waiting lists. My mom decided at 90 that she didn’t want to stay in her house another winter so she got on two waiting lists and put her house up for sale. The house sold quickly and still no openings, so she ended up in a regular 55+ apartment with no services, activities, etc. Then 2 1/2 years later, she had a stroke and after recovery and rehab, was able to get in assisted living at one of the places.
8 Likes
She can keep her house and still sell it in the spring. She doesn’t need the cash flow to move.
I think it’s great to look now and get on a list. I think she will look and decide that she will make a decision later.
She doesn’t want her son’s to investigate and look at places with her, she’s going to ask her neighbor. Again, I think the neighbor is reliable but mil may decide to punt looking.
4 Likes
I’m having such déjà vu, minus the looking voluntarily part.
I’m with you, she’s stringing them along and is not at all serious.
3 Likes
OF COURSE getting on the lists and preparing to move this fall so that the house is empty so y’all can prepare it for sale in the spring makes perfect sense. Oh, well. 
5 Likes
My most sincere sympathies for what your nuclear family lived through.
“It was never enough.”
The extreme cruelty. The one way of all benefits, thoughtfulness, and even phone calls!
You have to have boundaries when what is ‘expected’ is IMHO ridiculous.
Sometimes just having no communication to me would be relief.
I have heard someone say “he has no family left…” which might truly mean his family’s behavior is so outrageous that his friends have become his family.
3 Likes
My husband’s grandma lived to almost 103! On one of our last visits with her (we went pretty often because it was something we enjoyed doing), we found a journal she had kept on the round the world honeymoon she had taken with DHs grandfather. And I read most of it to her. It was so much fun, and sparked some wonderful memories for both DH and his grandma.
When she died, the lawyer settling her estate asked if there was anything we really wanted, and we asked for and received that journal.
11 Likes
I told H that I want us to look at the nearby family care home, just to know what’s available in case it’s needed. He isn’t too keen—says he’ll just die quietly in his sleep one day and never need it. Since that doesn’t seem to be happening all that much, it seems prudent to explore options. I think he will come and check it out.
(He’s the one who has been to the ER multiple times over the past 24 months, including a stay in the hospital “ for observation.” This does not seem like someone likely to just quietly pass away in his sleep. haha!)
I’m heartened that my friend liked it for her mom (who lived there for several years) that she’s getting on the waiting list for herself at age 86.
When I remind him of all the awfulness our friends are dealing with as their parents are fighting being placed in family care home, he sees the importance of scouting options.
12 Likes
My friends’ parents are now trying to find an attorney to fight having being placed in a a family care home and the doctors letters saying that they are incompetent. They’ve been calling all the extended family to try to find an attorney and canceled the credit card that has been used to pay expenses incurred on their behalf by their daughter.
It’s so sad. I told H that we have to explore family care homes so we will know where we want to go before we need the kind of care that these folks need. My friends did all they could to keep the parents in their home but it became truly unsafe for them to remain in the home and originally they consented to moving to this family care home but the dad is not getting sleep (up pretty much all night and very weak), so they need someone to watch him. The mom cruises furniture and refuses to use a walker, even though she fell today. She has a cane, but leaves it behind when she cruises furniture & counters and then when she feels unsteady, the cane is wherever she last left it.
I told my friend we will take them out for a relaxing lunch on Friday, after they take care of finances, since they are concerned that the dad will try to do something and take the funds to do who knows what and then there will be no money for their care. She has to take a family leave day, as she is working fulltime!
11 Likes
I don’t remember if it was this thread or another but someone commented about a neighbor helping an elderly neighbor, her son didn’t do anything.
Sometimes I feel that’s the case for my mil. Except that the sons are trying to get her to accept that she needs more help.
That she can very well afford.
There is only kindness with the neighbor, she is truly a wonderful woman. Whose friendship is certainly important to all of us.
But mil is taking advantage, she is manipulating some situations. Local and H are trying. They aren’t “not doing anything”. Local gets to be happy also and should absolutely move to the location that’s best for him and his new love.
I think that’s the frustration for me. The narrative about all the assumptions when the truth is much more cloudy.
Anyways, trying in this early morning hour to say that everything isn’t always how it may seem.
12 Likes
I think many elderly don’t know about services which are available for them in their own community. I was having a discussion about transportation options with somebody the other day. In my town, I understand this may not be the case in every town, seniors can get free transportation three different ways. A large state sponsored program The Ride - where you apply and can certified to be approved for this service. The local senior center bus, which will take you locally to shop, to the senior center, or to doctors. A well organized volunteer network, where people will take you in their car to doctor’s appointments.
Note this federal law program which helps provide these services:
Title VI senior transportation services refer to federally funded public transit and community ride programs regulated by Title VI of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which prohibits discrimination based on race, color, or national origin. These guidelines ensure older adults and people with disabilities receive equitable access to local transit, medical trips, and community shuttles.
Anybody who has a struggling senior family member should start by searching senior services in their community (in some places it is town provided and in others it is county or state provided.) Even if they don’t provide what you need, they are well versed in what is available in that community.
6 Likes