Our area passed a millage that funds a very good senior/disabled transport system. I’m so happy to see people using it. Unfortunately, I am also aware that some seniors won’t use it because they feel that they don’t need it. I have friends whose parents won’t use the transit - they expect family or friends to shuttle them around at all times. One of the benefits of this thread is that it helps us see our own futures, and it allows us to (hopefully) frame our own thoughts about accepting help before the time arrives.
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My parents had excellent senior services in both their communities (they were snow birds for a while) but to get them to avail themselves of those services? OMG, you would have thought we were suggesting we were abandoning them on the side of the road. It took me YEARS to finally get my dad to agree to use transportation services. The cost for him was $2 round trip. Thankfully after he finally started using it, he realized it was actually quite pleasant to have folks to talk with and not having to worry about the driving. He mostly used it for medical appointments that were further than he was comfortable driving. Ideally though, he wanted me to be the driver. Not always possible when he made his own appointments with no consideration of my schedule.
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You all are fortunate that your elders were willing to use senior transportation services. In my husband’s family, the expectation is that one of their kids will drive and accompany MIL to these appointments.
There is one local sibling and when she is away, the other siblings who all live a distance away…take turns coming to do this sort of thing with MIL.
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I guess I was very lucky that my father took advantage of these services on his own. When he moved to assisted living he set up his own account with the city service and did his own scheduling for appointments and shopping needs. Once he was very physically restricted, it was actually safer for him to be in the accessible van the city provided then in any personal vehicle.
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I tried to get rides for my disabled son with no luck. He has used a service for rides to medical appointments, but it is frustrating. They often show up late or not at all, and for someone with a serious mental illness, that is anxiety-provoking and can exacerbate symptoms. 
There was no option other than Uber for taking him to a job. No local bus service available. Since he could work only about three hours at at time, Uber cost almost as much as he made. My dad paid for it since we knew it was important for him to try to work. He was able to do it for about a year before it got too stressful. Occasionally the state will send us a letter saying he needs to try to work, ugh. So far, we’ve been able to head them off, but it’s a concern. His doctor agrees that he should not be forced to work.
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I will cross my fingers when the new Medicaid rules go into effect in 2027
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There are several transportation services for seniors in the medium sized city that my mom lives in. There is also a wonderful senior center that is less than two miles from her house. She plays bridge there 2 times a week. If she wants to she can pay $2 and have lunch while at the senior center.
Someone was talking earlier about small private care homes. This is the type of place my Grandmother was in from 2020 until she passed in 2023. The home had 8 residents and a day manager and 2 fulltime additional day staff and 2 night staff. It was a lovely place with a beautiful garden that my grandmother spent a lot of time in. My mom has already told my brothers and I that this is where she will go when she can no longer be in her home.
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DH has longevity on both sides of his parents’ lines but more so with his dad’s - grandfather lived to almost 97, his grandpa’s only brother (a Monsignor/priest) died at 80 of prostate cancer. 1 sister died at 90 (she was a nurse) in 1985; 4 sisters of his grandpa lived to 101, 105, 106, and 107. The 106 YO was a few months shy of 107 - she was a Notre Dame nun (who was part of the ‘nun study’ on longevity) and in her 80’s and 90’s started a ministry with two other/younger nuns in Chicago that helped women who never learned parenting and were coming out of prison - a house where the mothers and their children could live and learn parenting and homemaking and integrating into society (cook/clean/running a household/spiritual/parenting - a safe place with a roof over their head and being with their children). Sister Anne eventually went to the mother house and then into skilled care - she was the oldest resident, but she went around the center to ‘cheer up the old folks’. Sister Anne’s obituary was in The Chicago Tribune due to her contributions to making life better for these women/children. The two that died at 101 and 106 had lived together, and one managed well even in a wheelchair. The 105-year-old had lived independently until her death.
One of the things DH mentioned recently is “you are keeping me healthier, but I worry about you getting sick…” I just told him “don’t worry - I will have a happy death.” Hopefully I will have the ‘grace of a happy death’ (in my sleep), something Catholics do pray for (if it the fruit of the 4th Glorious Mystery of the Rosary) - I pray the Glorius Mysteries on Wednesday and Sunday.
Always good to get the stories told and great that you received that journal, what a treasure.
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After she got rid of her car, my mother tried hard to mostly use the senior transportation service for appointments. (She had her groceries delivered by Walmart). She did not want to ask me for favors while working, but it was hard on her. They gave a half hour window for pickups. That meant long, nervous waits at apartment complex lobby. Then because it was hard to know how long it would take to be done at doctor’s office she had to put buffer into pickup time. Also she did admit in last year that the bumpy van ride was hard on her.
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I’m venting here as I know my husband has heard me enough times. His parents don’t ask for help and they don’t think they need help. The idea of having people come into the house is more than my MIL can deal with. She continues to give my FIL responsibility for things he isn’t always able to handle. She lets him make and deal with all his medical appointments. He has several issues that need addressing in a timely manner that they haven’t addressed. She said he hadn’t called the doctor yet. She also won’t discuss him not driving.
She has talked about going to look at a retirement community near her home for at least the last three years. My husband has offered to take her to see it. She doesn’t even really need to see it but to just get on a list since she has been there numerous times as she has friends that live there. FILwould never agree to the move for himself but they both seem to think he will go first.
We own a rental that until recently was a small at home elder care home. The family that ran it had 4 homes in the neighborhood. Over the last few years the children of the founder bickered over keeping them open or closing them down. They gave up our rental recently and I see the last house they owned is up for sale. That’s a downside to a family run place.
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Mom is still in her AL’s medical wing, but the rehab payment ends and we believe that will trigger an actual decision about where her placement will be permanently – medical, or personal care. Kudos to Preferred, who is the one on the ground currently and they went and got the PC Admin to come visit with Mom today and assess where we are. Which is , for whatever reason, this fall has pushed her from confused to clearly dealing with dementia. She’s been up at night, wandering, looking for her 4 children. She told me this herself today when we video chatted ; she had been looking for her 4 children all night since she hasn’t seen them in so long while she is talking to 2 of her 3. Who she recognizes, but I am not convinced she was always sure who I was. It comes and goes.
The big surprise was Preferred saying, and Local agreeing, that if they want her to stay in medical, we should start looking for a “more appropriate facility” as none of us are favorably impressed with medical. Almost fell off my chair. It still wouldn’t be near to me (it would be near Preferred) but at least they’ve considered it as a possibility.
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I’m glad to hear your brothers are hearing what you’ve been saying for a while.
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I’m amazed at the candid conversation I just had with my mom. I decided to tell her all about her past, and her family members, as I know she didn’t remember much of it due to dementia.
She said she wanted to hear it all, and I said I would always tell her anything she wanted to know. I asked her if she wanted me to tell her the truth even if it was sad, and she said, “Yes, always tell me the truth, I can take it”.
So I told her about her life, showed her pictures of her father and husband, and told her that they’d passed away. She asked a lot of questions, we both got sad, and then several times later, she asked” My husband is still alive, right?” I told her no, explained a few more things, and she actually added details she’d remembered. This was probably the best conversation I’ve ever had with my mom in my life, though I hope it doesn’t trigger some other worry.
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DH spent four hours visiting his mom with very advanced dementia. I have no idea what they did for four hours, but at least this time, she was awake for his visit.
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Unfortunately there’s a good possibility that she’ll remember nothing–a real-life version of thr movie Groundhog Day.
Maybe not, of course. And I am sure your talk with her today was wonderful for you both, an amazing experience.
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It’s nice you had that opportunity with your mom.
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Yes, it is a very real possibility she’ll remember nothing, but the hope is that she will remember something. And it was good to see how interested she was in hearing about her life (of course, I only told her the good things), and saw that she remembered some stuff, which surprised me. Maybe it is good to remind her of her past, and leave pictures.
She seemed relieved knowing that the house is hers, and nobody is going to move in and kick her out. I left the deed with her name highlighted on it. Maybe we’ll have to keep explaining it to her, maybe not. She seems to have these crises, we resolve them, and they seem to be over (until the next one).
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Sorry to bring it back to this. I think my mom and my mil knew full well that these services are available to them.
They are for other people who need them, not them.
I really wonder if I will always think that these services available are for others who need them and I don’t yet. I guess I’m struggling with the denial and stubbornness to accept that maybe it would be easier to hire someone to help. Or to avail yourself of those things that you’ve paid taxes for your entire life for.
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My “favorite” line from my dad was “that’s for old people”. Yes, Dad, it is. And you are now one of those old people!
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Dad tells a story of a lady staying at the nursing home where he did rehab. Somebody asked why she did not wear a hearing aid, and she said (joked?) that she did not want it to make her look old. She is 103.
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