My MIL was like this with my FIL. The end result was my FIL ending up in the hospital with blood clots due to not taking his medication properly, which led to losing a leg, which led to sepsis that resulted in his death. About 3 weeks from start to finish once he was hospitalized.
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My MIL also thought hearing aids made her look old, that she didn’t need them … and now after years of not hearing well & tuning out of life as a result, she is experiencing the brain changes that brings. May we all be more self aware.
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The last year dad and stepmother went to Florida for a few months of the winter, my dad woke up to find stepmother missing from their rented high-rise condo. He then told me that “a little old lady” brought his wife back. Mind you, my stepmother was 90, and 5’ tall.
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That is my fear. He has already had two hospitalization for pneumonia in the last two years. He is a regular at the hospital wound center because of his falls. One time he isn’t going to be so lucky.
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So my dad finally( with a lot of help from me) got my mom to visit one of two retirement communities he really liked. The amount of effort it took was ridiculous. They went yesterday for a lunch event that my dad said was well attended. It’s simply a 55+ apartment complex with meals and activities, transportation services etc - no medical care. It’s seriously like a cruise ship. My dad loves it. It’s 10 minutes from my house.
What does my mom do? Starts literally crying the moment she walks in and saying she’s not ready to move, I don’t want to be in a “ home”. The poor woman my dad has been talking with was like “why are you crying? There is no pressure here - it’s lunch.”
So she sat and looked at her phone, said she didn’t like anything about it. Refused to stop by my house after. I am beyond frustrated.
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My H is taking his aunt to tour 3 CCRC communities today. He loved all of them but has a favorite for her that checks all her boxes. They are going there first while she’s the freshest and hopefully the least overwhelmed.
She has started telling people she is going to be moving so I think that’s a good mental sign but I’m not sure if she’ll be willing when the unit actually becomes available in October.
Praying that it all goes well today as it’s no longer safe for her to be in her house.
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DH visited his 94 year old mom and some other elderly relatives visiting from OOS. He was happy to see the OOS relatives and the younger family members who accompanied them on this trip. There was a small health issue with one of the visitors yesterday, and DH almost spent a night in that state. But the small hospital ED was very efficient so he elected to drive home arrived her about 2:00 am). He will touch base to make sure things are going OK there today.
MIL was at least awake when he visited this time. That was good.
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I’m so sorry your mom is being so difficult. I’m sure she is used to getting her way and that tears help her do that.
My mil was not on board moving either. She also cries.
I know a couple where one party was reluctant to move, the one who knew it was right, said they were going to move and if the other wanted to stay in the house they could. They both moved.
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You hit the nail on the head! It’s interesting that my dad was actually in a very good mood when I spoke to him after the visit. He was in a holding pattern, paralyzed by indecision and a reluctance to make any decisions because dealing with my mom is so difficult. But this experience woke him up. He isn’t hiding the brochures anymore he said. He has already scheduled a lunch at the other community.
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I’m also positive that the program director is used to tears and how to respond to them.
My mom would be compliant in moving. But then blamed others for forcing her to. My H was quite irritated by that tactic
If I had any advice for your dad, it doesn’t matter what he does, your mom will find fault. He should do what he needs to and understand he will never win her over. She will probably enjoy where she is but won’t admit it. My mom was terrible at transitions but it was the correct place and she made friends. It’s a luxury place with tons of advantages
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My neighbor’s mom realized that they needed assisted living, but her dad didn’t want to go. Mom won, they moved … and the dad loved it. His wife died before he did, and he was so grateful that he was living among his new friends when it happened.
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My dad was able to stay in his home but only because we were able to care for him a good chunk of the time and he had wonderful neighbors who visited often.
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After that other community visit, I would have him openly discuss what he liked about each community and ask her which she preferred.
Then with a little time sinking in, do other things in ‘baby steps’ to keep the ball rolling and for her to be less resistant. Have her friends on board with encouragement, if they are with a church - anyone that can keep the decisive factor on where to go and staying at home is not an option.
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My mom refers to any senior living as a nursing home or “facility”. I never pressure her to look at one, but explain they are no different than her condo with the bonus of meals, activities, and support if needed. She rarely sees any of her neighbors in her current building so she is very isolated. She is legally blind (can see a little with magnifying glasses) and I take her somewhere almost everyday because she needs to “get out of the house”. She said she cannot live with all those old people- she is 85 and many are younger and in much better shape. I know it’s hard to make that move, but I have told my kids that is my plan!
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Yay for dad!
I can’t remember if you get a partial vote? I’m hoping that your dad likes the one that has some services available better. Chances are that one or the other will need them eventually, and it would be nice if they don’t have to move again or bring in an agency to make that happen.
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At some point with one of the parties having dementia, they will most likely argue and disagree with any changes.
If the other party wants to make the change, trying to argue and change the mind of a person who’s in the throes of diminishing capacity, you aren’t going to make any headway.
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After yesterday’s “experience “ my dad is more interested in the CCRC he toured and I agree. Why would anyone want to go through this more than once?
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Also, as I unfortunately learned from experience, moving is very hard on older people, and at least in my mom’s case has caused a significant cognitive decline/confusion she doesn’t seem to be coming out of (she did go hospital to rehab to assisted living so it was a lot of moving in a short period of time but even when she was in rehab she was very confused). So only having to move once is a big plus.
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Yes, it may be better to only have to more once, but don’t count on it. My father’s move to assisted living was what he thought would be his last move. But a few years later, when he needed more care than the AL could provide, he moved into a skilled nursing facility.
My friend’s mother was told by her PCP that at 81 she shouldn’t move now, but to “wait 4 years and just go to an assisted living” at that time. I honestly don’t much like this answer. She is over her head now, can’t keep up her house, can’t get around like she used to, etc. A move to a smaller place nearer family now makes a lot of sense. Plus, at this time she is capable of doing the downsizing work that needs to be done.
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I get it about people wanting to stay in their own home. If you’ve spent many decades with you own space, the idea of losing privacy can be unappealing. (I go through this thought process myself, even though currently we are just fine in the house.) But… in other ways it could be a relief.
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