I appreciate all the recent posts about caring for elderly parents and living options. I am not sure if I am asking for advice or just thinking out. Please bear with me. Also I am the local and preferred. I am trying to figure out what’s best for mom who is 86 years old. She currently is living in her house that she and dad bought 40 years ago. Dad passed away about 4 years ago and she didn’t want to move. She was fairly healthy since his passing but she had a bad flare up with her spinal stenosis in L3, L4, L5 along with disc slippage in L4 in early July. Her mild scoliosis also has gotten worse.
I brought her to my home to take care of her for 3 weeks. She had an epidural injection and has been in PT twice a week of the last 5 weeks. She’ll return to the orthopedic for a follow up in a couple of weeks and hopefully PT sessions will continue. I think he may propose surgery that will involve more than a laminectomy and more involved like a spinal fusion. I personally don’t think she can handle the long recovery mentally and emotionally. I have noticed that she having a slight difficulty with retaining new information this year. I don’t think it’s dementia or alzheimer’s, more like aging brain that is much slower in processing and retaining new information. But I am not a doctor, lol. Dad had vascular dementia so I know the type of issues related to VD. I do think any challenging health stress will take a hit on her mental capability that may be temporary or not.
In addition to her spine issue, it has been obvious that the house is too much for her. She would prefer a smaller space without worrying about taking care of the house (inside and outside). However, she doesn’t want to sell her house and live in an unfamiliar place. The reality is that I take care of all aspects of her, her finances, her house inside and outside, since dad’s VD starting declingin in 2020. I have taken her to a few open houses for a condo in the last couple of years and each time she said no to each one.
Since she returned to her home after convalescing with me and my H, I am now her driver to all her appointments and activities (church and senior center) which is about 4 to 5 times a week. Since her flare up, she has not driven. Mainly because I am concerned about her ability to be safe. She’s very sad about this, because she feels the loss of her independence. I know she’s hoping she will drive again. For the most part, I have accepted this role and responsibilities. I don’t have other options right now. She tried Uber and hate it. She needs help and there’s no one else. One sibling is out of state and the other who is very local (lives less than 1.3 miles from mom) has not seen/visited her in 2 months. This sibling is not reliable and really just criticizes what I am doing wrong. I do not communicate with this sibling unless it is really absolutely necessary.
The housing situation is what I am most concerned about right now. I started researching different options like CCRC or senior living apartments. I think CCRC is a great option and there are several nearby but the buy in cost is very expensive and I know mom and siblings will balk. Senior apartments are also very expensive starting around $4k or $5k per month for a studio or 1 bedroom with meals. No other services unless she pays extra.
Right now her living costs are minimal because I do most of caring of her. Out of town sibling thinks options are expensive. The other local sibling never wants mom to sell and we hire aides. I know about managing aides because of dad’s care and all that goes with it. I also know I will have to fill in all the gaps and issues will be on me. If we all had an exact expiration date, all of this will be easier to manage to help mom’s comfort and sound financial decisions on mom’s behalf.
It’s really wonderful that she has you, but that’s a big load for you to carry on your own.
Per CCRC ir rental costs, part could be justified by house proceeds. My father has long acknowledge that staying in the house is not free. Property taxes are about $1000/month. Utilities are costly. Plus he realizes that the tied up equity would generate a lot of income if invested. He can afford it, but of course there are other reasons that moving would be good.
I was actually going to say something similar. Run the real numbers, total cost for her current home including maintenance (snow, lawn, etc.), insurance, property taxes, etc. Then get a rough idea of the worth of her house. Take these and figure out how much rent she could really afford for a senior apartment. I think you will be surprised at the answer. At 86, she may be able to afford rent for the rest of her life off the proceeds of her house and her income.
My concern is , what about you? If you need to slow down your role helping your mother, what living and aid options would be available to her?
Your siblings have to see it is not fair or realistic to have you continue to have primary care responsibilities indefinitely.
What respite care is there for you?
Edited to add: You’re doing great. Your parents were/ are blessed to have you taking care of them. But it sounds like a lot on you. What could be difficult is your mother could vent her pain and frustrations as she deals with the spine problems. You’ll end being the bad guy, telling her no or insisting on safety protocols, etc.
I think you start talking to your Mom
about what is sustainable and what is not. Tell any involved siblings you will be discussing this on the regular with her. Land hard on “sustainable”, it is somehow less challenging or accusatory. Kind of hands the predicament to a third party.
Schedule regular errand runs for your Mom, say twice a week. Outside of that , tell her “great, I’ll add that to our regular Tuesday errands” and mean it. This gives you both a schedule (not medical stuff obviously) and also highlights for her how much she is asking.
When siblings have opinions, offer them the next appointment or whatever. Say “I am not really looking for input on this unless you intended to take on some tasks yourself” And mean it.
What if something happens to YOU? Mom needs security beyond you. This sounds like you are doing a great job but are right to think there’s gotta be a better way.
Are there any smaller family care homes that are monthly charges and no buy in and provide meals and sone transportation? That is what I’m thinking H and I may be most interested in. Some have private bathrooms and nurses on premises.
My H is 84 and I want us to tour some of them, just to see what they’re like. At some point, the house is too much. Maybe your mom could rent out her house to cover the costs. Her basis in the house would be stepped up by 1/2 for the value it was at the time your dad died plus she’d no taxes on $250k of profit.
Yes, it is a big load. Most of time I manage, but there are times when it’s just too much. I already did it for 3 full years when dad declined with VD and that was during covid years. Those years were nightmarish.
Yes, I agree that selling her house will help with CCRC upfront buy-in. But to mom and siblings, paying $280k for buy-in is not something they want to consider. They don’t see why it’s necessary. Though mom feels guilty that she has to rely on me and only me, she just can’t fathom spending more for her comfort. The bottom line is if I continue to help her, no other options will be considered. It’s just so hard at times.
Yes to all your posts. Yes, I started spreadsheets on her expenses the last 2 years. I now have to figure out my “help” costs.
Also since she bought the house 40 years ago and now that she is a single tax filer, the capital gains hit will not be something mom or siblings will like at all. There are no receipts that I can find of the home improvement they did over the 40 years.
Even if she pays the capital gains tax after selling her house, she’ll have enough to cover her livelihood. However mom really wants to leave an inheritance for out of town sib who needs it. Local sib really wants part of the inheritance. I already told to mom, H and I do not need it. All of this make the whole thing complicated.
Mom recently said it’s sad that dad died without spending any of his money. I said if she really feels that way then she should spend it. If not some one else will. Why not her?
Are you certain that all of the senior communities have that large a buy in? How much is refundable upon departure? I guess I’m lucky to have been looking in communities with both huge and more reasonable costs of entries. Have you spoken with a senior placement agent to make sure there aren’t more options you are not aware of?
Kudos to you for doing it all for so long, but it isn’t sustainable. Sounds like your out of town sibling needs to come relieve you for a week or two while you go on vacation, to understand what it is really like. Have you had a very direct conversation with them, detailing exactly how much time and effort you spend on the daily helping your mother, and what her exact needs and struggles are, and how burned out you are?
It wasn’t until I set some boundaries with my parents that they finally agreed to hire help. I nearly had a breakdown trying to do everything on my own.
I’m so sorry, and I’d encourage you to think of YOUR health and well-being. What you’re doing is NOT sustainable. I’m sure there are places that don’t have such a large buy-in or refund a portion to the estate after death. (My folks’ CCRC refunded 90% of the buy-in—it would be in the contract.)
About 80% of time, I manage all of it well and get things done. I mean everything. Then the other times, I just worry about all the things that can go wrong.
Last month, mom had a dental appointment that was suppose to take 90 minutes. While she was there, I ran did errands and was a few minutes late and she was done sooner than expected. She was so worried about “me” that she thought of the worst scenario that I was in a car accident etc. She said your children rely on you so you have to be extra careful. What she meant was she replies on me and I really hated the guilt trip especially when I do everything.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I feel the way I do, because I have the time to help her. Our children are all grown and live independent lives. I don’t work because I don’t have to. I know I am lucky, but I still feel like it’s too much sometimes.
The better and reputable senior communities have large buy ins. We live in the northern suburbs of Chicago. Maybe there are lower cost places, but living in a community that is not too far is beneficial to her and me especially when I have to help. Just because a parent (or parents) move to senior communities does not mean the support from me stops.
Out of town sibling cannot just relieve me. She has her life issues and I know things are not easy for her. She knows what I am going through and she feels guilty but can’t help.
I will continue to look at other senior living options. I guess things may be more clear once she has a follow up with the orthopedic to see what her health options are.
Right now you don’t know the near future about your mom’s back or how that comes out. That piece of info is a huge missing piece right now. It’ll be hard to make a decision until after this.
You are probably doing all the work. Hire it done and pay for it through mom. If sibling balks they can come over and clean and mow the lawn. Have someone else take care of taxes etc. Moving to a facility still leaves you taking care of finances.
Can she drive in the area? Or is this a “you” thing (maybe she can get around in limited area)? Go on a uber with her (to ease comfort level) or enlist local to drive. Good way to wrangle the reluctant sibling.
It’s not cheap by any standard and if food/assistance isn’t part of the deal it’s not much different than staying put.
If there are substantial savings to staying in house use a good portion towards meal services and aides. If you can work a good system it’ll hold hopefully for some time.
I’m going to say you are in the driver’s seat. What you think overrides the siblings unless they’re willing to step up in some way. So how you feel and what you’re willing to do is most important here. You want the best for your mom and that’s most important. Don’t get in the “save money at all costs” mode though–you are very important as your mom’s advocate and money you spend to make this go smoothly for mom AND you is well worth it.
I don’t have too much more to say as you have received really good advice.
One thing to consider
Your mom is able to say no because you aren’t.
I think you really need to consider saying to her that you know she is grateful and you know that she appreciates everything you do. But you are at a point that you can’t continue. That there need to be changes because if there’s not, you are losing yourself
The other consideration is that it sounds like mom has resources. $4000 or $5000 a month isn’t going to bankrupt her and that hiring people to do all the task you do for free isn’t going to be cheap. My mom found when she added up all her expenses, a senior apartment wasn’t that much more expensive.
The issue with the sibling, at some point you can’t please everyone. They can complain but if they aren’t going to step up, it’s that. Complaints
I get it. While I hadn’t been doing much research, I am of an age where this is a common topic of conversation lately. That said, when I talked to an agent about my mother, I had never heard of 3 of the places within 15 minutes of me that she recommended based on mom’s needs. I know they are not the magic answer, but taking the every meal responsibility away is a huge load lifted alone. Add housekeeping, and some transportation help, regular check ins, a bonus.
Just because you have the time to help her, does not mean that it should be your full time job. I maintain that unless she has always been an inherently selfish woman, if she were in her fully rational mind, (or you were the daughter of one of her friends where things are always more clear,) she would not want to be such a burden and absorbing so much of your retirement (from family raising at least) hours. Honestly, none of us know how long we will be healthy ourselves. You should not feel guilty, you have already given up countless hours over years that you could have been go-going, developing other relationships, hobbies, spending time with your kids, traveling, etc. You have sacrificed and she has options.
I am also such a newb that I equivocate places with independent living, AL and memory care with CCRCs. I would definitely look at assisted living options, its possible skilled nursing will never be needed, seems like CCRCs charge a wallop for having that option on site.
Keep in mind that the base cost for the house is not the price from 40 years ago, but the value of the house at the time your father died and your mother became the sole owner (4 years ago). You then subtract $250K as a single owner and the rest is what you pay taxes one. I am suspecting it will end up being very low.
I don’t know if CCRC is the best answer for her. You should compare AL, senior housing (independent living and age restricted apartments) and CCRC.
My friend just called. Her S has placed her into a memory care place in a SR living facility. She’s a bit confused and scared (she has increasing dementia). I told her we will come and visit. I told her she can make new friends and they will provide food and help her with exercise classes, medical issues and transportation. I know this is an adjustment. She used to live alone in a house for many years. Her H (who was much younger than her) died of cancer in 2014. She’s been living alone since. Her S moved away to go to college. He moved back for a year and then moved back to OR, where he is a teacher. He’s been visiting this summer and is trying to get things organized and was paying for her housekeepers/caregivers that come for several hours/day at her house.
I’m sad that she’s scared and confused. I wish the facility had a better way of helping new residents get oriented, but understand it’s hard. Wish her S was able to help more with the transition, but I’m sure he has his hands full. She only had one child.
Sorry, if this is the wrong thread. She cared for her mom as her mom was aging and dying. Her S opted to move back from HI to OR.