The first several weeks are very hard. I hope your friend will adjust. Sounds like she’s in a safe place and that is most important. Kudos to her son for getting her safely transitioned.
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If my father has to go to nursing home, he thinks he’d likely go to the place where he has been 3x (broken hip 2024, twice this winter). It has some definite problems, but it is a familiar place. Sis and I keep reminding him that if he feels he is too big a burden to his wife, wife needs to compromise on requirements for hiring more help at home before considering nursing home. (His short term memory is not as good as it used to be. But I have taught and quized him about nursing home being $15K/month… thus a few thousand for home aids could be a good investment.) Or maybe try senior apartments or assisted living together, with aids coming in.
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Assisted living with aides can add up very quickly - could actually cost more then skilled nursing with a lower level of care.
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I agree. I am hoping PT and working with a personal trainer (this is still pending bc mom doesn’t want to spend the money) will stabilize her physical situation. She’s a very motivated PT patient and always loved exercise and sports. She needs more muscles for better balance to avoid bigger problems. But she is 86 and realistically I know it will only help her so far.
“You are probably doing all the work. Hire it done and pay for it through mom. If sibling balks they can come over and clean and mow the lawn. Have someone else take care of taxes etc. Moving to a facility still leaves you taking care of finances.”
I do everything except mow the lawn. The same company will also do snow removal, but most of time I wind up doing it because she thinks the charge is too high. I explained that the service has to make money during off season! Local sib’s promises are hollow and is not reliable. Her motto is when help is being asked, don’t expect it to be when the help is needed, but when the “helper” is available. That does not work for mom or me. I was told recently that it is unrealistic for me ask for scheduling help that is 4 to 6 weeks out and that no one plans that way. This is why it’s better it’s better to limit my communication with her.
“Can she drive in the area? Or is this a “you” thing (maybe she can get around in limited area)? Go on a uber with her (to ease comfort level) or enlist local to drive. Good way to wrangle the reluctant sibling.”
She was driving almost daily just prior to her recent back issue. She turned 86 in July and though she was able to renew her license for 2 more years, I have been on the fence about when she should stop driving. She’s not an erratic driver, but she had a minor accident in her church parking lot and got lost one time in the past year. A couple of weeks ago, I suggested using Uber one way and I pick up or drop off etc. I had her try it after her hair appointment. I took her to the salon and then called an Uber for her and I followed the Uber to her house. She didn’t love the experience and it was expensive according to her ($23). It could have been a better experience if the car was clean and if the driver was friendlier. She told me yesterday that she wants to practice driving this week. My non-local sib thinks mom should drive because she’s going to places where she’s familiar with the route. But it will be me sitting in the passenger sit while mom practices this week.
“I’m going to say you are in the driver’s seat. What you think overrides the siblings unless they’re willing to step up in some way. So how you feel and what you’re willing to do is most important here.”
This I know but the burden of making the right decisions sits heavy. I want to do what’s best for her but I also want to respect her wishes. Her life has never been easy. Dad was very controlling and his passing finally allowed for her more freedom and choices. She has been more active in her communities (church and senior center) which she really enjoys and it beats being alone. I want her to stay connected as long as she can. That’s the main reason I have been her “driver.”
I know I’m delaying the inevitable and hoping for some stability in her current state for a while longer. But I know there will be another emergency that will arise that I will have to handle. It’s a terrible cycle to be in…
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FWIW we’ve had multiple doctors tell us that getting lost in familiar locations is a big red flag that the person should stop driving.
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Of course you do, that’s understandable. As you are noticing, as our elders age, these two categories start to diverge and sooner or later you are faced with a set of unsatisfying choices. Don’t mistake that for failure! Keep thinking sustainable – even framing that as short or long term can bring clarity. (I can short term go move my Mom back to her old room; long term we can’t be there every day to calm her down)
@HImom keep in mind that your friend might not be happy anywhere. Local said that to me once when I was sad about our mother’s general dissatisfaction and he said "she can’t be perfectly happy anywhere " with her combo of limitations. Just help your friend and her son find the positives where they are.
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Can a friend drive her one way or the other from these activities? You drop her off and the friend drives her home after it’s done? My dad did some of this when he couldn’t drive anymore (and drove a lot of people himself when he was still driving). My mom didn’t like to because her mobility issues meant she needed help to get across the driveway to the back stairs (then she could hold on with both hands and get herself up but it took a long time) and that felt like more of a burden than just s simple ride. But if your mom is able to navigate getting in the house herself asking s friend from church or whatever who lives in the same general direction to drop her off isn’t such a big deal (I’ve even gone in once or twice and asked if someone could drop my mom off when I was unavailable for the ride home). People are generally happy to help.
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IF the person is willing to accept the help. My MIL, who was always willing to help others, refused to accept help herself. She didn’t want to “impose.”
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This may be harsh but you are trying to please and make happy everyone but yourself.
At some point, there aren’t good choices. If you want to vent, then vent. If you want to make changes, you’ll need to put yourself first in line.
Mom is going to be unhappy unless she gets absolutely her way. Do you want to make her happy or make sure that she’s in a good place that may not be perfect?
I just feel that by trying to do everything to make her happy, you are losing yourself. Maybe your nuclear family.
If not, disregard all this and vent away. I also wonder if some counseling might help with this place you find yourself in.
Also it might help to remember that this generation (your mom’s)was not raised to be forthcoming in advocating for themselves and may find that passive aggressive behaviors work.
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Why hire the cow, when you can get the milk free?
Your mom is always going to prefer having you at her beck and call. The financial implications to you will not enter her calculation, and she clearly glosses over any qualms about the time. Money probably only counts if it is coming out of her wallet. Does she pay for your gas? Of course not, nor would you want her to, but that just makes it easier for her to consider all your help free.
If you have started to wonder about if she should keep driving, it probably means that you know she shouldn’t.
Our interim step was to hire an agency to provide an aide for 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. Appointments could be stacked in those hours, and would give you some of your life back. I would do some version of this as a minimum. My mom objected and by the second day liked having someone to drive her around and direct, it took a load off. She was very worried about having a person around, but got lucky and really liked the main aide.
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Another thing about sibling.
(not sure it’s a she) when she says she will get to it later, knows that your mom will call you and you will do it. So they both get what they want, you to pick up the slack. When they complain about the money being spent, they get what they want, you to do it for free.
I’m sure you know that though
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This happiness point is a good one. My father was very unhappy at first in the skilled nursing home. But I realized that at that point in time, with his mental and physical condition, he would be unhappy anywhere. He would also have been unhappy back in the AL he had to move out of.
I remember saying to the elder care lawyer I was working with at the time - he will be unhappy anywhere at this point, so we need to have him where he gets what we consider the correct level of care.
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I think you are kind of new on this thread so let me repeat my favorite saying … When you overperform, it gives others permission to underperform.
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My sister has mentioned possibly contacting an eldercare lawyer. I’ve heard of people using them to shelter assets from eventual LTC usage (if medicaid kicks in). Can you share what kind of other services you find helpful?
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My father’s elder care lawyer has been a godsend for our family. He has power of attorney and handles all of my father’s finances. He acts as intermediary with the care facility my father is in. We have been lucky, in that he has done more than a typical lawyer does. For example, his assistant cleaned out my father’s AL apartment for him. He has gotten my father a new cell when his broke. When my father needed rehab, followed by a nursing home, the lawyer found a place and had the “hard talk” with my father.
I know that much of that is above and beyond typical services. I do feel that a lawyer with power of attorney gets treated better than a family member with power of attorney. This is true at banking institutions, mobile provider, and with nursing home administration.
There was a point when my father could no longer handle his own finances. I could have stepped in and taken over (I did for my MIL), but due to a contentious relationship with my only sibling, I did not want to do that. The elder lawyer took over instead.
At the minimum, an elder care lawyer can handle wills, trusts, and the like.
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Dang, I’d like that elder care lawyer for my mom, and for me!
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I think a lawyer in any sized city who has an interest and love for the law and for people could learn to set up an office with some assistants and be such a great resource for many doing the things your father’s elder care lawyer is doing so well!
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My dad’s brother used two attorneys for his end-of-life. I pieced together information many years later, but the small-town local attorney hired the caregivers and managed the day-to-day finances after my uncle showed signs of dementia and a larger law firm in a larger city managed the estate and trusts after my uncle’s death. My uncle’s wife and only child pre-deceased him (and no grandkids). Even though he and my dad had been business partners for 30 years, my dad was not chosen to manage his affairs. In my uncle’s situation, this was wise pre-planning. Not every family can handle elder care peacefully.
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Thanks. The D and SIL told me that after 2 awful weeks, the elders seem to be settling at last. The D said it was even harder than she anticipated but she was able to be firm and say the place where they were moved to is the safest & best place for them.
The D is now able to help her H get his paperwork so he can get medicare B and get his appropriate coverage and medical appts. He retired 7/1 and didn’t attend retirement sessions so didn’t have needed paperwork.
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A key for us was that this lawyer had connections within the elder care community. I firmly believe that my father would not have secured the bed he did in his nursing home without this lawyer’s assistance. The lawyer was familiar with all the local places and had clients in many of them. He knows exactly who to call in the facility when he needs to ask a question, and they answer him immediately. I often feel like when I call I get lost in a web of press 3 for nursing, press 4 for recreation, etc.
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