I didn’t ask our estate attorney about elder care options—that’s another resource to consider.
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A man recently moved into the memory care unit at my MIL’s AL facility. He appears to have very advanced dementia. His D spends A LOT of with him - she is a lawyer, and she works while she’s with him. When she leaves, he cries. I can tell that it rips her heart out every time. She used to take care of him herself, but she just can’t manage it anymore.
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Hopefully, in time he will adjust. At least he knows her. Sometimes they forget people and get confused about who is still alive and who has died. It’s very hard when there is only one child and there is such distress when the child can’t do everything 24/7—so much responsibility & exhausting.
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Overall, I don’t mind driving her to her medical/PT appointments, senior center activities and Wednesday’s bible group. Partly it’s to ensure that she doesn’t drive and that she attends the activities. For Sunday mass, I asked mom if her neighbor (69 years old) across the street “literally across the street” can drive her to mass and I pick up. Mom relunctantly asked the last 3 Sundays. However, yesterday mom said she can’t continue asking her neighbor because she feels that neighbor thinks mom’s imposing on them. I replied that but you both attend mass at the same church for decades. Is that really too much of an imposition? Mom said it is an imposition and she rather drive herself. She refused to take Uber one way.
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That’s too bad.
For a few years, I drove a lady I hardly knew to church after staff looked for a helper. She was sort of on my way. It was a bit stressful since I was trying to get my teen ready in time… and not be late for teaching Sunday School. It did annoy me a bit that her daughter and granddaughter both could drive but never volunteered to drive her once in a while.
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You are correct, I can’t please anyone and I’m running about of options.
Yes, partly this is venting, but partly trying to figure out what approach to take moving forward and what may I have missed in my planning.
I want her to be happy but she also needs to face reality. I tried explaining that she has to understand no matter how many PT sessions she does, her body isn’t going to be like 5 years ago or even 1 year ago.
I am a planner. Not planning gives me too much anxiety and I have handled too many emergencies from parents for so many decades. No one around me is willing to consider planning.
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I saw my mom (with moderate dementia) yesterday. I had posted earlier about telling her the truth that her husband and father had passed away, instead of making up a story. Last week I left some lovely framed pictures of them, while I’d explained that they were dead.
I didn’t know if she was going to remember, how this was going to go, but yesterday, I noticed that she’d put the pictures prominently on her bedroom table. She appears to be sleeping in that downstairs bed, not moving her stuff upstairs so “that man”, whoever he is, can move in. She seems to have no more fear that someone is going to force her from her home.
For right now, it seems like telling her the truth was the right call. She actually didn’t even seem like she had dementia, she was so aware. A good day!
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I tried to have a conversation about hiring part time help to start. I explained that it isn’t because I am not going to help, but I can’t do all of it by myself. I will continue doing a lot of the things I am doing, but having part time help to fill in the gaps when I am not available will be beneficial to her and me. Her immediate response is that she can do things on her own and it will be too costly to hire. She said she understands that it’s too much on me so she will drive herself, etc. She doesn’t get it no matter how many different ways I try to explain. She thinks either I’m abandoning her or she’ll run out of money if she hires help.
Of 7 siblings, she has one remaining sister living who is 95 years old. Bedridden and deaf in a nursing home since last December. Mom is fearful that she’ll live another 10 years and run out of money. I understand her worries but she hardly spends any money now.
I ran her expenses and her annual income and expenses are about the same. She hasn’t dipped into her savings in the last few years.
I explained that I too worry about every aspect of her life and that gives me a lot of stress. But her taking small steps to accept small changes so she gets used to gradual change will be better than trying to make changes and decisions in desperate times. She immediately shuts down and gets so sad because I know she thinks I am abandoning her. She will never understand.
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You’re probably right. lol.
Hmm, that applies to volunteer organizations, also. Sigh.
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I’m not above lying to our confused/obstinate elderly loved ones.
Example: I have a friend who is an only child and lives about four hours from her mom. She hired a senior manager and told the mom that it was an employee benefit of her dh’s company. It’s not. She is paying for it out of pocket, but telling her mom that it was free was the only way her mom would accept this help. This woman has been a godsend, visiting her mom every two weeks and dealing with her medication and all kinds of things.
I don’t know whether you want to pick up the tab for things your mom can afford but won’t pay for, but just throwing that out there as an option. Sometimes you have to get creative.
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Along the lines of doing too much, the algorithm gave me this, and I listened/watched. There’s a section about how women are checked out of their marriage and feel stretched too thin because they are doing so much. The therapists on the panel talk about how we don’t let others do things, criticize how they do it, etc. Go to about minute 30 for the relevant part. And minute 33 is where some of the solution/tough love starts.
BTW, I love the therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab and have read two of her books. And when they talked about hyper-independence … well, as I’ve written before, my therapist told me that my hyper-independence no longer serves me. Rude! lol
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Have you told her you are afraid of her driving? Is she likely to be impacted by that (my mom was unhappy that we were worrying, so she stopped for our sake,in her mind) ?
Maybe you disconnect the alternator? (We did that when my dad seemed determined to drive and was clearly a danger)
This is a really hard one. Can you talk to her priest? I’m so sorry. In your shoes, I would be trying to drive her everywhere, too.
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@cag60093, you have my sympathy and empathy. Despite siblings and step siblings, I had to go it alone with dad and stepmother. IMHO it’s good to consider other options for mom if and when it just gets to be too much for you. xoxoxo
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Sending you lots of non creepy cyber hugs. This is a tough situation with no perfect solution.
I agree with Youdon_tsay, when the ability to understand and accept the reality of the situation has left the premises, some creativity and truth stretching for peace of mind could work. I’d start with an agency/helper and figure out what that will cost her/you. Since you handle all her finances, make up the cost, or help cover it. Fuzzy math.
During the move campaign we had a call with my mom’s financial advisor, who was able to convince her that the costs for AL were a wash with the costs to maintain her house and would not run through all her assets. Don’t know if you have an outside authority your mom would believe?
It does sound like you are in the position to force some changes. While she may never agree ahead of time, I do think it is very likely your mom will adjust to having more help/different living situation. Time will prove that you will not abandon her. If you go the agency route, it could be a very simple start up, and if it doesn’t work with some adjustments, move on to plan B or C.
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I am so glad you compared the load of managing a family with managing elder care. The language around women standing up for themselves has evolved so much. This thread helps so much.
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My sister is in Austin for work this week (she’s teaching remotely for the school she was at before she moved away). It happens to be the week my dad is moving to a smaller unit since he doesn’t need a second bedroom as an office anymore. So it was great timing for Sis to be able to help him.
He has shown zero interest in reading for a couple of years or so. Well, as soon as my sister mentioned they needed to go through his huge bookshelf (fills up an entire wall), his interest in books suddenly returned! He’s looking at each one, debating about whether to keep it or not. I don’t know where they will all fit. We found a company to help him with the move - I guess they’ll figure everything out. I doubt he’ll look at any of the books.
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Popping in for an update here.
My dad came home from rehab a week ago. As expected, it did not go smoothly. My mom, who was first debating whether to have an aide for 4 or 6 hours per day, realized within the first 15 minutes of having him home that she needed round the clock help. So, that was arranged. It has still been challenging.
The first aide the agency sent was about 4’10’’ and weighed less than 100 lbs. She was simply not strong enough to assist my father. He fell 3 times in the first 2 days, thankfully no injuries incurred. There is a new one there now who is good with him and strong enough to do the physical work needed.
He has good and bad days (hours, really, as the switch between the two can come out of nowhere). On good ones, he is pretty clearheaded and able to walk with the walker and the aide assisting. On bad ones, he is irrational, paranoid, combative and physically unable to do much. the neurologist has insisted that this is not senility, but just still the normal progression of an aging brain trying to heal from the trauma of surgery and that eventually, the good days will outnumber the bad.
My mother’s current thinking is that as long as he is still having good periods, she is determined to keep him home. If it gets to the point where the bad days greatly outnumber the good, she’ll consider other options.
I have taken somewhat of a step back. Still being supportive from the sidelines, and helping where I can (running errands, stopping by for morale-boosting visits) but I am no longer in the trenches each and every day. It is just what I needed to do to be able to continue to help for the long run.
He goes for an MRI in 2 weeks, and sees the neurosurgeon the following week. Not sure what that’s going to tell us, but perhaps it will be illuminating.
My MIL has extended an invitation to my parents (and aide) to join us all for her Rosh Hashana celebration on 9/12. If they were able to do it, I think it would be a huge boost for them - getting out of the house and socializing. My father is an extreme extrovert and the isolation has been hard. It is impossible to know if that is something they might be able to do at this point (or, if things continue as they have been, it will be impossible to know until an hour before whether it is going to be doable that day). I almost cried when she told me she wanted to invite them, it is such a gracious and generous offer.
Anyway, that’s all the news from this front.
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That sound like a good approach. Hugs to you as you settle into the new routine.
That would be really great if the Rosh Hashana celebration works out. My father’s spirits have been buoyed by a variety of kindness from extended family who live much closer than me/sis. I still can’t believe that at Thanksgiving cousins tag teamed to pick him/wife up for Thanksgiving dinner and get them back home later - it was about 1.5hrs each way.
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Love this!
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