Any good links for Medicaid qualification income/pension (ballpark)? I was under the impression one needs to have savings under $2000.
I’ve heard second hand that the palliative care organization is sending a social worker to visit dad/wife… see if they qualify for Medicaid. This surprised me. Dad has decent assets (besides the house) and income, and I think same is true for his wife. It could be an awkward meeting because they keep their finances separate and private from each other.
In NJ:
Married Couple (One Applying): The applicant spouse can have up to $2,000. The non-applicant (“community”) spouse can retain a Community Spouse Resource Allowance (CSRA) between $32,532 and $162,660.
and I believe the other spouse can continue to live in their home
True… I’ve heard that a lot. (Or single person in own home.)
Reports from family are that my mom is continuing to think her room is not really hers, and the bathroom is not really a bathroom, but she’s decided to let it go and just stay there anyway. Preferred might be right that given enough time she’ll recognize what’s going on better. She called in tears over a letter left on her bed saying she couldn’t eat unless she paid her bill (entirely imaginary or a nightmare) but staff arrived mid call to settle her down. NIeces, etc have been to visit and all were known, hurray!
We have been at my MIL/FILs hoarder homestead. MIL asked if my mom had met the new baby, I said that might not happen, MIL says “well she wouldn’t know the difference anyway” and launches into a long story about her sister’s (apparently) annoying lack of appreciation and flexibility (the sister is deaf, has dementia) and how MIL “isn’t gonna talk to her on the phone, who wants to deal with that”. I eventually got up and left. DH told his mom maybe not everything she thinks needs to come out her mouth 
LOTS going on for your family this month. Sending hug as you sort through it all.
This is sort of a vent, sort of commiserating that things stay the same no matter the person.
I don’t ever talk about people who are not my parents or in laws because why would that pertain to this conversation, making an exception to vent today!
I live in a small town, we do have a hospital and we do have a small community of specialists but for anything complex, there’s a small town an hour away. Ann Arbor with its huge university hospital system is 3 hours, Detroit the same.
I just don’t know how I feel about aging here. I have so many friends who are dealing with more complex medical issues that they shouldn’t be treating here or should be looking at a bigger hospital system. They don’t want to travel. Are finding even driving to the bigger town an hour away difficult.
Also as our subdivision is aging (we have a pretty older aged neighborhood, many of our neighbors are having a lot of medical issues) I’m finding that there is a lot of magical thinking. Many times with a couple, there’s a spouse who shouldn’t be living in the house, the other spouse is dead set against moving. Or there are these declarations that they are going to age in place, maybe both don’t want to move?
These friends are a decade younger than my in-laws so it’s been pretty clear that the thoughts of my parents aren’t dissimilar to my friends.
I really need to think about aging here and when is it time? In a decade? 15 years? Is that enough time? My kids aren’t settled on where they live, they have young children or none. I’d like to move once. Maybe that isn’t realistic?
Do others worry about these things? Maybe finding out a neighbor fell, went to rehab but his wife doesn’t want to move. She loves her house, they’ve hired everything done? Wasn’t that enough? It has me thinking today.
I’m not even sure this belongs here. Thanks for listening 
Yep, pretty regularly.
There is no chance we will stay in our current house long term. It’s four stories. 1/2 a flight to just get into the house. No bedrooms or baths on the main level. It’s also too big for just the two of us, and a lot of maintenance and upkeep because the house is over 120 years old and we’re on an extra deep lot.
We will downsize to a condo in the city when H retires (still 8-10 years away) but then we plan on another move to a CCRC near where our daughter will be living when we need extra help. She’s an only child and I want her to be able to easily pop in to keep eyes on things but not have any day to day caregiving responsibilities.
I’m hoping that since we’ve been talking about this plan for years now, and hopefully reinforcing it for years to come, we will follow through and not make illogical decisions. I’ve already told our D that if we do that, she knows that we are no longer in our right minds and she should be comfortable making the decision for us.
Re: thinking a letter was left on her bed…my dad seems completely unable to distinguish between things he has dreamed and things that have really happened. It is a terribly upsetting and frightening situation. I’m glad the staff was able to calm her quickly. Hugs to you, trying to manage all of this from afar is just a whole added level of anguish.
My in laws tried to age in place, adding helpers as needed (yard work, house cleaning, Meals on Wheels). Eventually, in their early 90’s, they decided to move to AL. They were happy, but after FIL died, MIL wanted to move near to her D. She hasn’t been happy since FIL died, but it’s certainly easier on SIL not to have to drive several hours whenever MIL called for her.
My mom’s cousin had a stroke that affected some of his decision making ability. He can take care of himself, but he needs assistance with certain things. He moved across the country to be near one of his sons. He is in a very vibrant senior living situation, and he is thriving.
In both cases, it was a choice made before things got out of hand. They knew that it was time for a change, and they did it.
The “where” is a different story. I know your area, so I understand the health care situation. Making a move to a place where you have not lived and have no ties is a difficult decision. You have time to consider whether other areas of the state or the country appeal to you, so you can scope them out. There is time for the kids to settle before you need to make a decision whether to move near them or somewhere else. I think the key is to be self aware so that you can admit when it’s time to make a move & flexible enough to make that move when it’s time. Flexibility might include more than one move, depending on how your needs change over time.
Our financial advisor is urging us to think about all of this NOW, and get our big house on the market ASAP. The issue is that I am maxed out and can’t think about getting rid of s(tuff) or managing all the work that needs to be done (like replacing the 30-year-old roof). I’ve told DH he needs to coordinate everything. He says he wants to downsize, but he doesn’t do anything to move forward. So I feel stuck.
Understandable, what with all you have been through esp with your dad. DH and I have committed to selling in 12 years, and try to see everything that way – will that repair last that long? Will not doing it impact any sale? Will new owners want to rip that wall/floor/fixture out anyway so it doesn’t matter? I find the imagined clarity of a timeline very reassuring.
we’ve updated the kitchen and bathrooms, had the house painted, the landscaping simplified, windows replaced, doors too.New water heater, softener, etc. I am dragging my feet on a new roof, though!
It seems human nature that everyone waits too long, hoping to stay in a particular house and then circumstances won’t allow it and you have limited choices and no time. I want to move to somewhere with a ladder of accomodations as we age, or have to age alone. Settled and oriented before The Bad Thing happens to one or both of us. My inlaws are appalled at this plan, of course.
We are dealing with this now with the in-laws. They live in a small community that thankfully has a small hospital and great ER. They use it often. They also have several urgent care places that are part of two larger systems 45 minutes away. They switched to a concierge doctor who is local. Some specialists come to the community a few days a week. It helps but for many services they need to drive 45 minutes each direction.
They have been going to a wound center at the hospital 45 minutes away for months now. That is a weekly appointment and it means MIL has to drive or she lets FIL drive. We would love for him to stop driving. His eye doctor, lung doctor and dermatologist are a 45 minute drive. He tried a new dermatology practice that was local. It’s a PA not an MD. He needs some large growths removed. That can only be done 45 minutes away.
H has growing collections of “stuff,” which he says are tools for hand woodworking and maintaining things around the house. He wants to keep everything.
We live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home that is all one level. There is one step from house to the ground. There are pretty decent providers a short distance from our home, including ER & urgent care. My lung doc is about 45 minutes away in traffic.
H plans to die in our home. He loves puttering about in the yard and on his perpetual outdoor woodworking projects.
I think I could be happy in a condo or a good family care home. We shall see.
Our house is great for aging – one story, not too big, doctors close. I love it here, but I am under no illusion that either kid will move back here. And I know that we need to be near one of them, based on our experience with our parents. In fact, tomorrow we are flying to see ds1 and DIL and are spending the night at one CCRC-type place we have visited previously and really like. They knew we were coming into town and offered up dinner and an overnight in their facility so we said yes.
We are getting lots of things done right now to the house, which we have neglected for too long. The changes – for now, landscaping, scraping the popcorn ceilings and new floors – will help with resale if we decided to make a move sooner rather than later, but we will get to enjoy all the changes in the meantime. Next year, we’ll do even more.
I love my husband but sigh!
We got his mother an iPhone last year. At the time, we didn’t set up an Apple ID because she doesn’t “do” email.
My husband keeps visiting his mom and can’t figure out why he can’t download apps on her phone. I tell him because we didn’t set it up because she doesn’t “do” email.
Now he wants me to go there to help her with her phone to set up YouTube because it will be easier than going through the browser.
Which is fine but when I tell him that I don’t know how much she will use it because you need an email address. Set up the email address. Download the app and sign into it.
He tells me he never does any of those things. He just downloads the app and it works! He was quite irritated with me because i told him I don’t think it’s going to work well with his mom.
This is just a vent btw! He taught his mom how to texts but she keeps forgetting how to. I have no idea how having a YouTube app is going to change things!
Technology! And my H who doesn’t like it! And his mother!
You guys! 
What happened to us last week defines the sandwich generation. And apparently we Gen Xers are now parenting for millennials who don’t like the job. Here’s the story: At work (teaching) I was surprised to see a text from H’s cousin asking if one of us could check on their spouse, who had been thrown against the wall by their 15 year-old son and was not responding. The cousin was off on vacation (alone)–which is not surprising given the state of family dysfunction. It is not bad to take a break–except in crisis. So H ends up going with assaulted spouse to the ER, and stays with him for 4 hours or so while he is diagnosed with concussion (symptoms are really scary in this case). I have to text cousin and tell them to stop dithering and come home because spouse cannot parent in this condition. Eventually that day, rather than suffer a 15 year-old to be forcibly arrested and taken to jail, I sign for his release (they were evaluating him for mental health with a crisis team but would not take him to a hospital–or at least knew he would violently resist and were hoping for an out. I sign agreeing that I do not believe he will cause immediate harm to himself or others. Yes, I believed it, but it is a complicated situation and I didn’t want to be in that position. So I had legal responsibility for the 8 hours before the vacationing cousin got home. My H and I were also at their house taking care of the other two kids, whose witnessing of all this BS seems unimportant to the vacationing cousin. I can’t speak for the assaulted spouse because he had to be lying down asleep for most of it. Then–on Sat night, the air conditioner at my in-laws’ condo went out. We offered to get them a portable one or swamp cooler during the day–because my father-in-law is frail and wouldn’t be able to tolerate heat. But only at 8:30 pm does this couple in denial decide that the f-in-law is in danger. He has to actually manifest symptoms, right? 
So H ends up going to buy the portable air con with his mom, at night, instead of more easily during the day. What is up with people nowadays? Too much ease and privilege? Why can’t they recognize a situation in which responsibility is called for?
Oh my, that is a lot!
And my sister!
Whole new topic. Interesting for a new thread maybe.
Just visited with cousin who said my uncle (her dad) took her out in the car as a teen and they actually did wheelies and spins on ice (very rural area) with the promise to NEVER tell her mom. He was teaching her how to handle a car in icy conditions. Emergency practice. She said it probably saved her life a couple times but she still didn’t tell on him. That might be looked down on today.
My parents dragged me along sometimes when they needed to take care of relatives. They really had no choice sometimes but always made clear that you take care of family as much as possible. It was hard on them and I learned to appreciate their sacrifice. You do what’s right in a situation not necessarily what is comfortable or convenient.