The first day was hilarious; she kept calling to check and see if it still worked (Local sat in the room with her). And then I called from my landline, from my cell. She called me back. She cried because it worked. She laughed because it kept working, it was delightful.
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Hi everyone, it’s been a little while, over two months I think since I posted. Sorry for the long post, but thought I would report a few highlights all at once.
We have been wandering through the aftermath of my mom’s death unexpectedly this summer, leaving behind my disabled 84 year old father for whom she had been the caretaker. There have been so many challenges that I just never understood could exist. Financially, turns out as my mother took over more and more their finances the last few years, and she was a traveler (very active) their credit cards were all in her name at the end. She had two airline cards and another points card, and my dad was the authorized user. Well, when the banks learned she died — which they all subscribe to the service from the government that lists the SSNs of the deceased — they closed all his cards too. No negotiation, no discussion.
She left me as the executor and a notarized power of attorney for him and the battles, hours of battles, I have had with these banks to get him credit cards is infuriating. All her documents drafted by a lawyer and you would think they were written on the back of an envelope the way the banks have acted. Note of advice to married couples: make sure you each have a couple of credit cards in which you are the primary at all times! Do not get complacent and let one person do all the credit cards. In the end, Citibank is on my sworn enemies list and Amex is grudgingly OK (though I am angry at them too for how hard they made everything).
And don’t even get me started on her IRAs and retirement accounts. Should be easy right, spouse of 56 year years, sole beneficiary? Nope. Hours and hours to get that moved to him. I am still working on it months later. I feel like the first month was just to get them to talk to me. And I have significant experience in these areas professionally, I just can’t even fathom how a random college educated person (much less someone without a college education) could work their way through this.
Now we are dealing with his health challenges. My 19 year old nephew who was a little lost has found a new calling taking care of his grandfather, so while I have to fly the 2000 miles every couple of weeks at least we have some on the ground care there from him. But my dad has ended up in the hospital twice since my mom’s death both times with a UTI. And both times accompanied with some wild delusions about seeing my mom, “knowing” she resurrected, wondering where she went. It’s really brutal trying to deal with his science mind (before he got disabled he was a Phd research scientist) trying to construct a narrative about how my mom is still alive even though we placed her ashes at the church. All this while I have my grief too of course. And my residual anger at my mother’s decision to just give in and not really fight to get better because her quality of life post surgery would not have been what she wanted. In contrast, my disabled, wheelchair bound, almost bedridden father was asked at his hospitalization if he wanted CPR and intubation and he was like “everything, keep me alive no matter what as long as you can.”
In short, it has been a brutal almost five months of one thing or another…and to boot my Sophmore high school twins are really struggling this year in different ways. My straight-A student is fighting a D in AP World History (first AP class) and a C in her favorite subject. The other twin has always been a strong but not perfect student but now is on the one hand saying meh, I don’t want to kill myself in high school, I will be OK with a B or two and then “hmm, maybe I want to go to Princeton.” Well, it doesn’t work that way. In short, finding time to guide them or be there for them when I am commuting 2000 miles every other week is not easy. I am so thankful I took a long sabbatical last year that led into early retirement so at least I don’t have any professional challenges. It’s just a really rough time of life, the aging parents with kids in high school double whammy.
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Gosh that is a lot! I’m glad you are able to be such a good helper, but the burden sounds heavy.
Sadly you are “sandwich generation” parent / child… and 2000 mile distance is really hard. It’s wise to keep watch over your sophomores - that’s when our brilliant but disorganized “wing it” kids started struggling with pre-IB workload, though at the time I was distracted trying to keep a job (husband was unemployed), did not realize it.
Good reminder about the credit cards. Wow, that IRA transfer to spouse like you said should be easy peasy with good paperwork. Down the road if you have most tips and more time, considerer posting tips in Estate Planning thread.
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Wow, @MamaLilKat that’s a lot. And good advice for the rest of us.
This week, we visited my mil. My son and his family met us there so he could see her as mil is now 90 and he hadn’t been there in a few years.
My husband repeatedly told his mom what day we were coming as he has a doctor he sees in his hometown. He also called her that son and fam were coming.
Mil completely forgot. She was at her exercise class when we arrived. This is the first time this has happened.
Mil was delighted to see son and her great granddaughter. It was good, we got chick fil a for lunch.
But….as I have talked about earlier here, local is moving in with his girlfriend. He’s had a tough few years. A late in life divorce, had to sell his business, his house, his vacation house and has been in near constant litigation with his ex. 2 of his 3 children don’t have much of a relationship with him.
Finding a new love and the support of her family has been so wonderful for him. He really feels like he has a place to belong. So he’s moving in with her, she lives close to her child who is having a baby soon. It’s across town from mil instead of 3 blocks away.
I would say that mil is making passive aggressive comments but at this point they are just aggressive. She makes terrible comments about her health and weight (she’s been quite ill and has lost a considerable amount of weight) about that second marriages are bad. About gf wanting to live near her child. On and on.
Geez, this is getting so tiresome. Mil is being so disagreeable to bil.
This is just a vent. I’m trying to avoid her as much as I can, sometimes I can’t.
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Oh, my, I’m sorry you’re going through all of that. Everything happens at once!
My dad is back home, doing well. His blood pressure was a little high yesterday, but in general he is doing awesome. As usual, the medical professionals are amazed at how quickly he has rebounded. He’s eating soft foods with no problem. He will keep 24/7 caregivers for awhile, and they are watching him like a hawk.
My husband continues to struggle. He has finally accepted he needs to stop working. We really should sell our house, so we talked to a Realtor this week. OF COURSE the market has softened and we won’t get as much for the house as we expected. The Realtor said it’s too risky to buy another house before we sell this one. So that means two moves with a grand piano and two dogs - how will we even find a place to rent that accepts two big dogs?? She said we need to have the trim on the house painted. We got a quote yesterday. $13,200!!! I about had a heart attack. A friend in construction is visiting and he said that’s actually not surprising to him. Good Lord. I was holding back tears when I told the Realtor that I’m having to work extra since DH can’t, and I CANNOT manage the preparation and details of selling the house. The more I think about it, while I know we SHOULD sell the house, I don’t think we CAN. I am just not able to, physically or mentally. Kind of sucks. I’m fully aware that the house will just need more repairs as time goes on.
I think our plan will be for DH to aggressively attack the decluttering and repairs of the house - he can still manage those types of tasks, and then decide what to do. He got rid of 530 pounds of trash at the transfer station on Wednesday. We have a big trailer, thank goodness. Still a long way to go.
And then last night (well, actually early this morning), after he and our friend had left for our cabin, I heard water dripping through the first floor into the basement. I am NOT handy with this stuff, so ChatGPT helped me. Turns out we have two plumbing issues, the downstairs toilet and the kitchen sink. It told me how to turn the water off at the house. I sent DH the names of several plumbers and he will try to find someone to come out soon.
ChatGPT was also helping me on a detailing project last night. It’s pretty bad when AI has to tell you to go to bed - it literally said, “I think you should stop for the night.” Ha.
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Be kind to yourself. Your students are HS sophomores, and it is good that these struggles are under your roof versus at college/away and not having TLC care/someone in their corner that knows them well like you. Our daughter needed care in HS for anxiety and depressive disorder (which I knew what to look out for, family history on my dad’s side and my older sister had this) which she exhibited issues so she got the right care (counselor that worked with psychiatrist in same office, spaced out appointments with psychiatrist). What kids don’t tell you - one day when her counselor wasn’t available (that day cancelled appointment), my daughter asked me to take a walk with her and she shared many things with me including having had suicide ideation as young as 2nd or 3rd grade which would come maybe once or twice a year (never shared this with anyone before). Definitely a biological element there and pain. She went to college while still on some medication - saw a terrific psychiatrist there once (licensed in adolescent and adult psychiatry as her primary was) who had time with us both as well as DD individually and was very reassuring - we really connected with this psychiatrist, and she didn’t see a need to see DD again because DD was doing so well. Found a counseling group which specialized in anxiety counseling, and DD attended there as needed. DD has been very successful and is now 32. She found her own way in her city and college community in a very healthy way, with communication always going well for us. So just keep communication going - and have your children find joy and excitement in life every day (and help facilitate this with family fun/bonding). Ride out the bumps in the road. Time goes by fast. The college choice hopefully will be with the best fit. IDK if you have any exposure to other twins and if your twins desire to go to different schools. I know twins (boys) that go to the same University and have different roommates - they are both studying business (but no idea if different areas of interest) - they are in their first term at college now.
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Two weeks ago, I considered starting a Spouses Caring for Spouses Support Thread. Would that be helpful? Dh isn’t diagnosed with anything, but I see where getting older is affecting him (see my rant on the Say It Here thread). I think part of that was aging, knowing he no longer feels confident fixing the things that go wrong around here.
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Oh, that would be great! It really is a separate issue.
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@MaineLonghorn for sure you have lots on your plate, especially DH’s cognitive issues and retirement. IMO, selling the house can wait. Real estate prices go down and then they go up and then they go down, etc etc. Meanwhile you and DH have a place to live that you love, and he is willing and able to do what needs to be done before you sell eventually. 
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I may be in the minority here, but sometimes throwing money at a problem is a huge help. You can’t do this all, hire a lawyer to deal with the banks and handling of the estate, as I have noted several times, my father’s lawyer with POA can cruise through obstacles that I also with POA can’t. I am not sure how it works, but I assume any estate lawyer will know how you can give him POA of your mother’s estate and for your father as well. The cost will be worth it in terms of your sanity.
If you take this one thing off your plate it will clear space for spending time on yourself and your children.
The UTI hallucinations are scary, you literally just have to ignore them (I know that is very hard to do - it took me a few times to be able to do that - to just “yes” my father when he gets them). Work out who else you can delegate some of your father’s care to (or hire - again you may have to throw money on the problem), you can’t continue travelling that distance regularly.
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I wonder if you can manage to bandaid until closer to spring if you would get more for your house. By the time you might get it listed now, it will be holidays or dead of winter - a hard time often to sell a house.
I can imagine how overwhelmed you feel. It is possible for the piano to go in storage somewhere? And then rent a smaller home till your house sells and you have the cash flow to purchase a new home for you, H and piano???
I think if your H can safely handle some home repairs that would be a great thing for his personal motivation and confidence since he is having difficulties in other areas like his profession.
My kids have taught me (who taught them? Probably me. 
) that you have to not get stalled on things you can’t control. And that checklists are good but only focus on one checklist item or category at a time, not the whole dang checklist! It’s good advice!
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This. I recently shared that my MIL moo’d like a very angry cow when she got a UTI. One day she was lucid and engaged, the next she slept all day, talking in her sleep … and then mooing when the hospice tech was trying to wake her. It is scary, but it does go away when the infection is addressed with meds. Hugs to you, @MamaLilKat.
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Wondering what advice could be offered to me.
Knowing that I’m non confrontational and my H is the same. Wants me to keep the peace.
I was reading about how a certain public person is having trouble regulating their anger or animosity towards certain individuals.
I know my mil is saying things that she wouldn’t have 10 years ago. I know that it’s been hard to be alone (even though she treated my late fil as a annoyance to her independence)
The animosity is towards my bil’s girlfriend of 2 years. She says things that aren’t nice and aren’t true. Just lashing out at her. Even though the gf is a very nice person. My bil is moving in with her, across town! Because the gf doesn’t want to live in the house bil lives in but wants to live in hers which is near her D.
I try to ignore or defuse the situation. But it’s bad! I don’t want to be around, I don’t want to hear it. All the snide and mean comments. What is she saying about me?
What is a good way to diffuse this situation?
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Sadly, as people age, many appear to lose whatever filter they had and feel entitled to saw “whatever.” For some folks, what they say may be unkind/cruel and untrue. I wish I had answers—does your MIL had be a geriatrician? Perhaps s/he might have insight on how this can best be handled, without undue trauma for all those affected.
I know that with my dad, when he was outbursts of swearing and unpleasantness, selective deafness and selective amnesia were among the few ways I was able to cope and continue to be with him and my mom. My mom didn’t lash out as he did, fortunately.
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Could you say gently, “ MIL, all the negativity about gf is hurtful and unnecessary. It is also unbecoming. Pls don’t speak like this in front of me and H.”
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I doubt anything you say will change what she says. I think you may just want to spend less time with her - you don’t want to be around - so don’t be around! Can your husband visit his mother without you?
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I suppose you can just leave the room, maybe saying “I’ll come back when you have calmed down”? Or say something like, "It’s too bad you have not noticed how girlfriend is good for BIL because of … "
My father’s wife is difficult. Sis and I have a different challenge there. We’d be perfectly willing to leave the room. Or to bring some logic and truth into discussions, brace ourselves for one of her infamous temper tantrums. But… we worry that if wife gets annoyed by how we react, she will later punish our father with less attentive care. Mostly we just try to keep the peace.
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Dad’s Lady Friend has again started asking the caregivers to give her rides to and from her facility when she visits Dad. She just moved to a different one, farther away. It’s not that many miles, but in Austin it can still take awhile to get there! The RN advocate, my sister, and I don’t feel that Dad should be left alone at all for a little while, at least. Uber is expensive and Dad can’t keep paying for it constantly. There is a van, but it operates only until 3 pm or so and it’s inconsistent. Sis and I talked to her on the phone, and she says she understands. She said her health has gotten worse so she won’t be visiting Dad as often. It’s tricky, because Dad really does like having her around, but he’s burning through money so quickly. 
And like before, he’ll tell the caregivers to take her home and they’re put in a tough spot. The RN will speak to him about it.
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I think there’s very little you can do to change another person’s emotional state. MIL Is angry and defensive and difficult per usual, just with a new target, the gf. This is the couple’s fight, not necessarily yours.
Which still leaves you listening to endless bashing from MIL. You can’t make her stop, but you can leave. Just a quick “I get it, but I like gf and I don’t want to listen, I’ll be back in 5” and leave the room. Or do a similar thing on the phone. The goal is preserving YOUR mental health, not fixing hers. Maybe think of her as a toddler having a tantrum.
Difficult people will never respect boundaries, so it’s up to other people to walk away. Over and over and over. I am sorry she isn’t able to calm down over the gf; she must feel threatened but another choice would be thinking “yay! Another pair of hands to help me” and MIL is not making that choice.
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Thanks to those who provided supports and some coping strategies
I’ve been trying to avoid the subject and trying to understand that mil is lashing out because she’s not in charge of her aging or her surroundings as much as she was. That she is losing that filter that she used to have.
I feel bad for the gf and feel I’m not being as supportive to her as I should be.
I agree that I don’t think anything is going to help much as mil is fixated on this, has very little going on and has lost her ability to temper her emotions.
Recently I’ve avoided talking to her, leaving that to my H but it’s not foolproof. Last week my son and dil were visiting. Mil was cranky but I have to acknowledge that I’m not going to be an agent of change when I’m with my kids. Maybe later 
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