Some rough situations on this thread right now. Lots of decisions needing to be made + uncooperative elders = a tight squeeze for the sandwich generation.
HImom, it does sound like your dad will be the only one to talk some sense into your cousins, if anyone can. From what you’ve said, I wish him luck. But it sounds like she’s mostly in the hands of the health care professionals around her, and maybe the best hope now is to believe that there are caring and competent people who will get her placed appropriately.
Eso, I hope that the doctor visit might uncover something that can be treated so that your mom bounces back a bit. I’m glad to hear that she responded to the fluids and antibiotics at least.
I’m in the ER with mom tonight. I happened to call before I left work, and she had an awful headache. When I got there she was somewhat confused and wasn’t able to get some words right. Sister came over and we decided to call 911. EMTs transported her here. Waiting for CT results.
LF, esobay and Zeebamom - keeping a good thought for each of you. The ambiguity is tough and even accessing care can be draining on all sides.
LF- the issue of how people miss the nature of the estrangement from your mother is profound. I have an extended family member who has had to make the choice to minimize or eliminate contact (mother not elderly), and few can imagine the extreme circumstances that got her there. Hang in there.
Thanks for the good thoughts. It was probably a TIA. Follow up with reg doctor and a neurologist. She’s home and sleeping.
As I was sitting in the room with my mom, I started to think that there was the sweet spot when the kids were self-sufficient and mom/ILs were old, but ok. With people having their children in 30s/early 40s, that sweet spot is shrinking.
Esobay, I hope things work out with your mom.
Such stress. Growing old, or being the adult child of an old person, is not for the weak of heart.
My thoughts are with all of you dealing with challenging situations. Dealing with babies seemed to be easier, even if we were sleep-deprived (or at least that’s how I’m perceiving it after all these years).
My thanks, too. My heart goes out to those dealing with harder issues than mine- the uncertainties and challenges you face today .
My friends- and really, they’re my two bffs- finally got it. I think their original talk was well intentioned. Ironically, both went through tough issues with family. I think it’s human nature to look for eqlibrium.
zeebamom, and did you get any sleep? Going to work today? Scrambling to think of getting care in place? just feels like a swift smack with no warning sometimes. And even if I don’t seem to model it, I DO have in my head to TAKE CARE of yourself as well, if not FIRST.
Getting more perspective from being here in person. Aides are really stepping up to watch over Mom in some ways, not so much in others. Seems like Mom has days when she gets herself to meals, where she eats little, and days she is too tired and they wheelchair her there. She is not eating in what bro and I called the zombie dining room very often. People in there need close to hand feeding.
I don’t know whether to press for more help (next stage of care) or not. Don’t know whether to order her own wheel chair or not (currently borrowing one from AL). Don’t know, don’t know, don’t know… that is the same feeling as when dealing with the first baby. But babies always seemed to progress and you knew they would grow up (if you didn’t let them die from your complete incompetence … there were days I wondered about that!!) With the aging, ill parents… there isn’t any direction UP. But there are moments of joy like her going to see GGson for his first birthday. And she maintains a very positive attitude, I’ve said before she has a hopeful heart. So besides the “sick right now” tension, I have a lot of difficulty living in the moment for her and not looking at the down-side/end result.
And although I am fairly pleased with her care and I don’t want to devote my life to taking care of her (She did for her Mom) I still wish on some days DH was not so opposed to my time with her. He accepts it, but not without making clear he is FORCED to accept it. It does take time/energy away from him and “our” life. I am doing that balance of what I can live with for my own conscience between the two of them. My BFF is down on both of them; she knows Mom was demanding and selfish and manipulative in a lot of ways. She is able, for example, to have her dad call and say he is moving himself to AL and not go see him (for 3 years). She also thinks my DH is a drama queen and spoiled. We don’t talk about either one much any more, so this thread is priceless to me.
We’ll get through it, and I WILL have a clean garage for my kids!
Esobay, if you did move her closer to you, would that make it easier for you, all around? You could check in on her, but also not have it conflict with DH. Or would this be one of those Murphy’s Law things where “the task expands to fit the time available?”
@looking … marriage rule agreed to 35 years ago and reiterated when she first started down hill…
If she is closer than 400 miles to me, DH will be farther than 400 miles from me (and might not come back). I balance the two. I don’t want to make him sound evil as I know it sort of does now because I am getting squeezed right now. This is the same DH that hauled 6000 lbs of garbage (literally by measured weight at the dump) BY HIMSELF out of her hoarder house. While I tore around town trying to get a grip on finances. Most times I choose to think that he is really PROTECTING me because she had set up her life to be able to consume any and all things of her kids. So I think you are really right that the task would expand if she were closer. Or there would be more frequent conflicts.
We’ve discussed moving her closer to brother, but he already houses our Dad, so not fair to his wife; who lost her own Mom this year near Christmas and has her dad to worry about. And from what I observe, moving the frail elderly is just a death sentence. Harsh, but seems true.
We’ll go to the Dr. today and see. I might call hospice to find out what, if anything, they do in an AL setting.
Yeah. I am still waiting for that sweet spot. I might be in it, though, so I am trying to take each day without a crisis as as if that’s what it is.
Having our elders in skilled nursing yields both poignancy and peace of mind. At a certain point, I found waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop is worse. Now that my father and MIL are in well staffed, SNF environments, it is a relief.
The whole thing is a challenging balance act, eso. I have been the sole frontline caregiver for both my parents (two siblings=zero participation in elder care). My criteria is to do what I can do and need to do to look myself in the mirror, while trying to be fair to all. Probably, when my mother was terminally ill for a year and a half, nobody thought they were getting everything they wanted. But they all had what they needed and a quite a bit more. My husband was understanding, despite the fact that her deterioration came right on the heels of he and one child both having major health crises simultaneously. The thing is, all of these experiences create understanding and skill sets that generalize; our children are well-served by what we have learned.
Regarding the day-by-day sweet spots, that’s a good way to look at it. While my dad lived, we staggered from crisis to crisis, but I came to really appreciate the lulls in between. (“Wow, I haven’t been in the emergency room for two months! Life is good!”)
Now with just Mom, it’s been one long lull. She has health problems, but none are life-threatening and none are emergent. (I haven’t been to the hospital in a year and a half!) She has good care and someone to drive her to appointments and her routine is set. After 4 years of Hurricane Dad, it’s blessedly peaceful.
If it’s not one thing it’s another. Mom took a tumble getting out of bed this morning. She has neuropathy in her feet from T2 diabetes and long-term after effects of chemo for BC 25 years ago and sometimes her feet don’t quite feel the floor. She couldnt stabilize with her walker and down. Her PCP told her to go to the ER; fortunately another 2 of my sisters were able to go with her.
Hours and another MRI later, she was DX with a compression fracture of the T12 vertebrae. I get to head to the hospital first thing tomorrow and talk to the dr about treatment. Immediately to rehab and PT or a procedure where they’ll inject a cement-like substance into the fracture spot. If that works, great. It might not.
Our older D has a surgical procedure on Friday morning for a minor heart issue.
Happy news, finally! I drove my dad and mo to visit my aunt. Aunt wouldn’t speak or drink or eat. She did weakly wave “bye” when we left. I told my sibs. One of my sibs and her H and their S and MIL went to visit. They got aunt to say, “Hi!” and laugh and smile when their S performed a dance for her. They also had MIL talk about how she was recently hospitalized but ate, exercised and is now all better. They held her hand and told her she needed to fight and eat and get stronger. They told her that they and many other cared about aunt and promised to continue visiting. They called my dad and told him–he was encouraged and heartened.
Zeeba – You’re getting it from both ends! Best to your mom and your D.
HImom, sounds like the right branch of the family is involved now! Maybe your aunt will do a little better receiving regular attention from family members who aren’t indifferent and/or hostile. I loved the story of the dancing S. Kudos to you and yours!
Kudos to you and yours!