arabrab- true - I compare it with kids where there is a learning curve upward, but with elders there is none. They just slowly slide. While this does not make it any less painful for the family, it does keep the expectations realistic. 95 is a very full life. I would think of this very differently if he were a younger age.
How many of us would love to see this situation - on “Living Right with Dr Ray” a lady in the audience has a 100 YO mother who still lives on her own on a 88 acre farm and still hoes the garden! They just took away the car keys because they believed her reaction time wasn’t good for safety (she did get her driver’s license renewed). Siblings were looking at mom moving in with one of them (I know some that live a few months at various son/dau homes). A friend’s 91 YO mom lives with H and her because the other siblings were not attentive to her needs, even with households next to each other.
When a parent needs care that can no longer be managed at home, it is encouraging when the whole family supports the transition necessary - if a spouse, encourage that they can be a spouse together with visits, but the overwhelming care burden can be off their shoulders. Most families, someone is not emotionally ready for the physical decline of their parent/loved one.
If parents have good attitudes, that helps a lot. H’s grandpa was so happy - he was in a nursing home (from age 92 to 96) but enjoyed every day; one son visited him daily, and he had a TV in his room so he could watch the Chicago Cubs 
The night he died, he asked to stay in his chair a little longer (sure he sensed his end was near). What a great way to go, peacefully during the night.
I’m not really looking for answers, but if anyone has had similar experiences, and has advice, I’m certainly open to it.
My mom, who is not yet 70, has been taking prescription pain meds for decades. I beleive she is an addict, but the Drs. Keep giving them to her, so what do I know. She doesn’t do a great job of telling the truth, even about simple things in life. She is also very hard of hearing, and has hearing aids, but doesn’t wear them often. (According to her she wears them almost every day, but there is always “something wrong with them” when she comes to visit me). She lives with 2 of her sisters, one who has serious dementia/Alzheimer’s (I don’t know what the official diagnosis is, but she has serious issues). She and her healthy sister do not get along well at all, and my mom really isn’t capable of helping take care of the other sister. My mom has a license, but really can’t drive. She has severe anxiety, and is on heavy duty anti depressants (zymbalta?), in addition to ativan(?) and gabapintin(?), and high blood pressure meds and I don’t know what else. ? Means I don’t know how to spell the drug name. She is a heavy smoker, and is 5’7" and only weighs about 105, at the most. I am worried that my mom is also suffering from serious memory issues, but I can’t tell what’s really her memory vs. just being zoned out or whatever from the drugs. She has Humana insurance (in Florida), which isn’t accepted in my state. She has almost no money, but her name is on their mortgage. She does not get much social security, and has no other retirement income of any kind. I live hundreds of miles from my mom, and am her only child. I also work full time plus, and have multiple kids in college. To add another level of complexity, one of her sisters has charged a serious amount of money in my mom’s name (less than 20k, but that’s a lot to me). So, I have multiple questions. Should I try to get her on Medicaid? Should I try to change her to another insurance? Is there a particular kind of Dr. That can help tell what’s real and what’s not? She has had a shoulder replacement (9 years ago) and shattered her hip and the leg bone that goes into her hip (2 years ago) and had to have serious surgery, so clearly she does have reason for aches and pains. In Florida I gather they have special pain management Drs now, and she had to see a new dr. To get both her psyc. meds and her pain meds just recently. One of the places wanted to put her in a "boot camp / rehab program, from what it sounded like to me. She generally won’t let anyone go into her Drs. Office with her, so we never know if she’s telling the truth or not when she comes out. My guess is that at some point she will need assisted living, either in her state or mine. Any advice to help prepare for that? She knows she’s not healthy, but won’t consider any kind of rehab program. I think part of her issues may be she doesn’t take her meds correctly, but she won’t let me do something like put them in a pill box by day. She does go to the dr. regularly in Florida, but I don’t know what they are telling her. She’s only been at my house 2 days (before now Ive only seen her for about five days in the last 2 years). I’m hoping some of her symptoms are stress related, and if she can wind down a little she may be somewhat better. But I don’t want to be an ostrich, if that makes any sense. Ok, enough from me.
My experience with m-i-l in Florida is that doctors seem to over prescribe medication for the elderly. A generalization, I know. When we relocated her, one if the first steps was to take her to a doctor who specialized in treating the elderly (gerontologist?) to review all of her meds and all of her health issues and to develop one cohesive care plan. She also had issues with taking her meds properly - even with a pill box - a big part of the reason she is now in AL. So - that path would be my recommendation.
Doesn’t she have Medicare?
Given her lack of income and assets - I don’t see a drawback to her not paying on the credit card debt. It’s not like she needs good credit to purchase a home or car at this point. You could file a police report regarding the unauthorized use of her credit cards.
Would you consider relocating her permanently to your area? Rental housing for low income seniors? That’s what I would do. Her living situation in FL as you describe it does not sound good.
Is she staying with you for a visit? How long will she be there? You said she has a mortgage in her name? Who is paying the mortgage? Whose name is on the deed to the house? I agree with rockvillemom and report the credit card charges to the police and to the credit card company. Are you willing to work with her to get POA and health care proxy? It doesn’t seem that she would be willing to allow you. If that proves to be the case, there is little that you can do legally unless you think she could be declared to have diminshed capacity and seek conservatorship. Be careful, this is a life long obligation that you would undertake and she is young in age. I would suggest that you might try to contact the social service dept. of the town or city where she resides, but I don’t know how much they will be.
Just a little advice from someone who has been dealing with these issues for several family members for about 8 years, take it slow, get good professional advice from the legal and medical field, discuss all of the options with your family before undertaking such a huge responsibility.
Those are some heavy duty meds. Cymbalta is used for depression and pain management. Gabapentin (Neurontin) can also be used for pain, and is also an anti-epileptic. Ativan is a benzodiazepine which is usually used for anxiety or to calm people down.
I would hope that all the docs know about all the drugs. Some of them need to be managed closely and if she is on Cymbalta or Ativan for mental health reasons, IMHO, they should not be Rx without talk therapy alongside.
As to your situation, it sounds like there is not a lot you can do, even if you lived closer. If she will not let you accompany her to a doctor’s office that is particularly tough. The minimum you can do is perhaps let her docs as to the other meds she is taking in case they aren’t aware. Is she on any other pain medicines that you know of?
Wow 1214mom! Please let us know a little more about what your mom needs from you. Is your mom asking for help? If she is asking for money or other assistance, then you can tie any assistance to power of attorney agreements (i.e “I will help if you agree to let me manage your finances.” ) If she is not asking for help, she would not let you help and any assistance from you will leave you frustrated and burned out.
Just checking in here to offer comfort to all missing their dads today. It’s been exactly six months since my dad died and this is my first Father’s Day without him. I didn’t think it would be this hard.
1214mom- sorry for these worries with your mother. Others have good questions and advice. Re: insurance : if Humana is your mother’s Medi-gap policy, it may go with her to another state. My folks moved nearby and had a carrier that did not sell policies in my state for Medi-gap. Their insurance travelled with them and there has been no problem using it here as a secondary carrier to Medicare. YMMV, yet it is worth calling the insurer so you have this confirmed. All the best.
Thanks @rockvillemom. Yes, living near me (HoCo) is an option. Regarding her money and house, I can tell you the multiple relatives are all tied together and its a nightmare. In my first post I left out that two of the sisters put most of their life’s savings into a house in Florida, then the other sister spent the rest of it “fixing the place up” (spending much more than I or many other reasonable people would have spent on many things), took out a second mortgage, and then the house was sold as a short sale before it went to foreclosure. Regarding insurance, she has insurance that I think is a substitute for medicare. I think it “counts” as having medicare somehow. My mom thinks she can be independent, but really she can’t. She doesn’t want to admit she needs help. For example, she keeps her car and insurance, but I’d bet you she’s driven less than 5 times in the last several years. She can’t remember three turns she needs to make to get to Dr, and she can’t remember how to use a GPS. No kidding. She also can’t make even simple decisions. For example, where to go to lunch, when I give her 2 options, both very good. She clearly needed to get out of her house, so I asked if she wanted to visit me or another relative, and she really couldn’t decide, and is “physically” (or mentally or whatever, would be shaking bc of the stree it causes her). I am just starting to figure out how bad her non-financial situation is. I will have to tread lightly. First decision is whether to let her go back to Florida, or try to quickly change insurance to another state. I suspect she will refuse all attempts to help. Right now I’m giving her a couple of days to decompress. She will be here about 10 more days.
On the insurance - it sounds like she might have Medicare Advantage - which is like a HMO for Medicare. I don’t know how you switch from that to regular generic Medicare - but would imagine it can be done. Humana does seem to offer plans in Maryland.
I don’t see many advantages to having her return to Florida. All it means is that as she ages - you will have to make more trips back and forth - or will have to relocate her in the future shen she is sicker. Moving her near you now is going to be a lot of work - but would seem to be the best plan.
@runnersmom - It is hard. (((( ))))
At Home, Many Seniors Are Imprisoned by Their Independence
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/23/health/at-home-many-seniors-are-imprisoned-by-their-independence.html
Interesting, oldmom. Thanks for sharing. In our experience with elders, we have seen the irony of greater opportunities within the “confines” of elder communities. More socializing, optimizing time when well and greater peace of mind day to day can be liberating. I can also guess how hard it is to wrap your head around this concept when it is your turn… It’s the old “you know what you are giving up if you move to elder care, but you can’t anticipate what the gains may be” scenario.
What a mess @1214mom - if you have your H and family support, keep your mom with you and get her ins changed. What are your H’s suggestions? Are you living close to state line where her insurance is taken? Sounds like a Medicare supplement - can another supplement be easily picked up? Her health is obviously heading bad; out of sight isn’t helpful when things continue downhill. The sister co-enabling and the financial fraud with charges - probably figure when your mom dies those problems will all go away. To me it sounds like your mom is coping as she can by passively living with over-medication and chain smoking. Really toxic scene.
Has your mom decompressed some? Is she wanting to go back to FL or is she sending up signals for help? Has she calmed some? Are her thinking and actions with clarity?
Is the rest of the family in FL and are they willing to pick up the pieces with the other two sisters?
Saying prayers and sending hugs.
That’s a great perspective, oldmom.
oldmom - thought that was a great article - and I am seeing it right now. My parents live in a condo with a number of elderly residents. Some have moved out to go to AL. But many remain - pretty much trapped in their condo with an aide. What is the point of that? It’s like they are so attached to their ancient furniture that they cannot bear the thought of moving. This is exactly what I will be going through with my mother. She does not want to leave her familiar surroundings - no matter what.
I haven’t begun to explain how difficult my mother can be- and after years of resistance, she is (so far) enjoying Indep Living (2 weeks in.) She said they reviewed some of her physical challenges and signed her up for light exercises (she didn’t object, yo, that’s a big win,) they have PT/OT on-prem, so she can get her therapy for her swollen legs without needing to arrange a ride to a clinic, there’s a hairdresser there, a doctor of some sort, the food is great- and she likes a number of the people she has met. Yesterday evening, she was planning to watch “Gone Girl” in the TV lounge, with other residents. (I don’t know if she did- or what she’ll stick with, or whether she’ll return to the hoarder thing- but all this is a transformation.)
Since I had asked about costs before, I’ll share that her monthly is under 3k for 2BR, nice facility.
Wonderful, LF.
That sounds so fabulous! Getting them to agree to move is so difficult - but with the meals, activities, on site health resources, etc. it is a vast improvement for the majority.