I am so sorry, Donna.
Sorry for your loss, Donna. May you find peace and comfort.
Sorry, Donna and all who have lost loved ones recently. I’m every sorrier for the many who are struggling to figure out how best to help their aging loved ones through the minefield of living extended lives. It surely isn’t easy getting through these twilight years of our loved ones. I have NO idea what we will do when our many aging doctors finally retire, as they are mostly in their 60s themselves! It is tough to know what things affect diminishing memory and when it might be meds, dehydration, chemical imbalance or who knows what?
My parents and we just returned from a six day trip to San Francisco and it went better than expected, since we built in a lot of time to rest back in the hotel instead of being on the go all the time. It is always wonderful to build on the store of happy memories with our folks and children.
Donna - my condolences.
Sharing on this forum helps me to realize how many of us are struggling with aging and difficult parents.
Donn, sending hugs and prayers. You did your very best and sometimes it just comes down to letting our elderly loved ones make a final choice. She was safe and she was well loved.
Donna, so sorry about your mom. Threads like this are such a reassurance that we aren’t the only ones dealing with these things, and that’s the main reason I am still around. Peace and comfort headed your way.
Donna, I am sorry for your loss, but happy you can begin moving on also. Good luck with the memorial service, dealing with the accumulated “stuff” and all the other things that now need to be done.
Sorry for your loss, Donna/CCsiteObsessed.
Thinking of you and sorry for the loss of your mother, Donna (CCSiteObsessed).
@CCSiteObsessed, sending hugs and condolences.
We didn’t sign Mom up for hospice, the Dr. thought she’d gain weight with therapy. My brother wasn’t ready to face hospice. I have such mixed feelings, kind of glad, kind of not . The thing is, even if she gains strength and weight, this last illness made her mentally much more gone. She never ever ever wanted to live like that. She asked (back when she took care of Grandma and for 20 years since) that if she ever had a stroke to just let her go. She can’t remember getting her hair done an hour after it is fixed. She didn’t remember that my brother was with her at the Dr or lunch or even that he drove us. That is the sad thing. But, moving forward, if she stops eating and loses weight again, we will sign up for hospice. The AL place also moved her from level 3 to level 5 care… more care but more $$$.
Thoughts and prayer Donna. So sorry for your loss.
Eso, it does sound like your mom is ready for hospice. It is tough when you have a sibling who isn’t ready yet. But, it is worth it to wait till both of you are on the same page.
Eso, does she have an end of life related diagnosis? And a life expectancy of less than x months and has hospice been recommended? Sorry if I’m forgetting.
Intense day today
FIL calls DH midday, essentially says, I am not thinking clearly, I am scared, I want to sell the house & move with MIL & dog & caregiver to a condo. Why? So I can give a large chunk to the caregiver so she is set for life. Please call your brother & help me figure this out
So, DH talks to brother, brother calls Dad
In the meantime, FIL talked to MIL (he had not previously), MIL does not want to give the caregiver money, does not want to give the caregiver jewelry, does not want to move, and now claims she does not like the caregiver. Probably because FIL keeps wanting to give her more money & jewelry.
FIL told the brother he wants to get rid of the caregiver, give her $50k (which FIL only would have through selling the house) and move to a home.
FIL is paying the caregiver through an agency, but also paying her on top of that $100/night to stay there plus a couple hundred a week for gas money and other extra hours worked, to the tune of more than $2k per month MORE than he would pay the agency for 24/7 care.
I wish we could figure out what the problem is, what he really wants and needs. I have heard the “Drop everything and sell the house” call a dozen times. If only we knew what really unsettled him we could possibly address it 
Just saying: I don’t think it’s ethical for the CG to accept money on top of her agency’s fees. And I would guess her contract with them states something like that and limits what she can receive as a gift. I don’t know if you’re in a position to make a change, but I’d be tempted to. You’re sure he’s doing this?
somemom- what does the caregiver do all night? sounds like FIL is just scared of living alone even with MIL? would looking at a senior home or assisted living for them work?
somemom, I think the caregiver needs to be reported to elder abuse ASAP. sorry, but your FIL is NOT really able to make choices like that. very tough spot to be in. I know it too well.
@lookingforward Mom doesn’t have anything wrong, except being too demented to remember to go eat and the AL place not realizing it. She got so weak after the flu that she could have faded away easily. She does have her POSL (end of life) directions written and registered, but this was kind of a tough call. She might get a bit better if she gets fed better. But she won’t get any more memory or life built up. Still, she is happy to get her hair and nails done and that counts for something.
Oh brother, somemom. I am so sorry. It does sound like the caregiver is taking advantage of your FIL.
Somemom, the caregiver must be reported to her agency ASAP. I’d be contacting state licensing bureaus as well.
What a horrible thing to deal with from a distance.
I’d report her to the agency.
Eso, this offers some info. https://www.caring.com/articles/determining-hospice-eligibility-for-dementia
Have you had the conversation with a professional, re: whether he/she feels your mom qualifies?
@lookingforward. I have talked to the professionals at hospice and it was actually the RN at the AL place that had followed up on my conversation with her when they dragged Mom to the hospital and I said I would rather they didn’t so that for just low blood pressure. The hospice lady would have come over to evaluate mom if the Dr. had given the referral and he did think about it. But we chose more care for now. And having the Dr. write the AL place and say to give Mom gatoraid instead of hospital trips accomplished almost all I needed. I need my brother to be a bit more on board with it, too. He was really opposed until he took her to his house for Easter and saw first hand how dimisnished she was … but he hadn’t seen her since. She lost 20 lbs and a lot of brain cells since, but he hadn’t been around or called her as much to realize it. I realized that she should have been in the AL place a year before he did and a year before she went. Only cost 1000’s of $$$ but it would have been a bigger fight earlier. And I am also somewhat relived not to just shut her down. I do realize that hospice can make a difference and another set of eyes wouldn’t hurt either! Hospice could have gotten her better enough not to need hospice. It is just a process I guess, like this whole thing has been.