Got FIL hooked up with meals on wheels finally. I called to leave them a message that he was HOH and might not hear the phone for an interview. Accidentally got the manager and I hate to say it but that might have gotten the ball rolling 3 weeks from request. The town is very small so that might have been the issue with help. I am afraid to ask how it went this week. H thinks he will love it an grab about it, I think he might gripe. I hope H is right. We are 1000 miles away.
MIL has been in AL for a year now. While it took a few months for her to be comfortable there, she now says that it is the best place for her. The staff does a great job with everything except showering MIL on a regular basis. In the whole scheme of things, this may seem somewhat minor, but her ability to maintain good hygiene has diminished greatly. She is supposed to get a shower twice a week, and she definitely needs it that often if not more. For whatever reason, she is lucky to get a shower once a week. The family has had numerous meetings with the supervisors about the problem, but it problem is ongoing. I must note that MIL may be “refusing” the showers at times – not so much that “I don’t need a shower”, but “I don’t want the shower now”, “I’m expecting company”, “I’m already dressed”, etc.
I don’t like to visit MIL when she smells bad, and her frequent UTIs are being attributed to her lack of personal hygiene. I told DH that if this was my mom that I would find the current situation unacceptable and be doing more about it, but since DH is one of 8 children, I’m not in a position to address the issue directly.
Should we be OK with one shower a week? Are MIL’s excuses really the source of the problem? I would appreciate advice from anyone who has had a similar experience.
Maybe if the staff has MIL “make an appointment” for her shower and getting her hair brushed out afterwards (or something she enjoys and looks forward to like a hair appointment), it might ease the problem. If they just spring it on her without having a pre-set time, I can see how it might be convenient for the staff but not be something the MIL is “ready” for. I’d have H & sibs push for the regular 2x/week showers as well and not allow the staff to paint MIL is being “uncooperative” to give themselves a pass. (Note: I have no personal experience.)
Agree with HIMom- you have a medical opinion that there are health problems that necessitate a mutually agreed upon schedule. Dignity matters, too. If you notice, so will her peers.
Good luck. Often more challenging to know how to proceed with an in law situation.
@cincygal. I would suggest that the shower phrasing needs to be adusted. Set specific days and times and have the staff remind MIL that today is your shower at 9. I found that staff had been trained to ask my friend’s mother “if” she wanted breakfast and if she said no, they honored her refusal and she got none.
If you let MIL know the scheduled days and times, she might adust her thinking to make that part of her week. If she has another activity scheduled after the shower, she will associate the two together.
I would not call the staff uncooperative, but suspect they have been told to encourage the residents to be active in their care. But, it’s also very easy for them to say: MIL, after your breakfast, X will give you a shower and then take you to the hair salon. Permission assumed, not requested.
I have no idea how they get my mother to shower at the assisted living. But when I have visited it seems to be after dinner and before bedtime. They come in and say ‘name- we will be back in a little bit to help you with the shower’ and then they come back in like 20 minutes and she is ok with it. She hated to shower at home and I doubt that she did more than wash rags only. Good luck.
I think hygeine avoids all sorts of potential health issues. MIL had shower assistance as part of her base fees, but when the asst showed up, she was dressed and would say she’d already taken one. At that point, we were still learning how much her memory was going. And she didn’t like the lack of privacy. She was an early riser, so they started coming in to help before she got dressed for breakfast.
My FIL would refuse showers because he was so private. He was embarrassed to have a female attendant help him with his bath. I suspect this is the case with many of our elders. They finally told him that unless he bathed, he could not go to meals or his favorite outings. That did the trick. Just as an aside, he was trying to be thrifty and reuse depends. Once this was found out, it got much better.
@ cincy gal and others. Perhaps the bathing issue, might improve with some caregiver techniques.
Teepa snow addresses thirst skills here- ( you can google teepa snow and batinf/ showering dementia patients)
She breaks down the issues, sometimes they forget the steps of bathing, so you should not say let’s shower now.
She discusses how to undress patients with dignity. Sometimes it’s about modesty issues, and temperature of room issues. ( glen campbell movie showed a scene and wide was warming the bathroom with hairdryers)
Tried to edit above ran out of time
@ cincy gal and others. Perhaps the bathing issue, might improve with some changes in caregiver techniques.
Teepa snow addresses these skills here- ( you can google teepa snow and batinf/ showering dementia patients)
She breaks down the issues, sometimes they forget the steps of bathing, so you should not say let’s shower now.
She discusses how to undress patients with dignity. Sometimes it’s about modesty issues, and temperature of room issues. ( glen campbell movie showed a scene and wide was warming the bathroom with hairdryers)
The steps discussed
- use hand holding - palm to palm with caregiver hand on top- on dominant side of patient.( she explains why)
- use visual cues, I’ll help you wash up ( using hand motion of washing underarms) 0k ( agreement)
- room must be so warm, caregiver may be sweating, because when patient takes off top,nif cold they will balk
- WARM TOWEL FROM DRYER placed over shoulders and lap - modesty, and wet over towels with water,
- when patient has wet towels on they are agreeable to removing because they don’t like heavy wet on them.
Really teepa snows techniques for experienced caregivers are remarkable !
Thank you for all of the suggestions. I agree that the style of communication is where the breakdown is, along with the fact that MIL doesn’t realize that she doesn’t smell fresh. It is probably past time to be blunt with her.
^^^^ teepa snow explains in one of her training tapes! that dementia / alzheimers is brain failure, and all senses are effected. The dementia patient is unaware of their personal body odors, what is offensive to others, is undetected by them. Fascinating when understood in terms of “brain failure” …
But most of us, as we age, lose some of our sense of smell.
I just need to say that my parents are insane. After a few relatively calm pleasant weeks, my father was just screaming and cursing at me over the phone because I would not instantly agree with him over a very trivial issue. Nothing new - this has been his behavior my entire life - and my mother is his chief enabler - constantly making excuses for him. One of these days it is going to be the last straw and I am going to wash my hands of them. And I’m not going to look back. I despise them.
Aww, rockvillemom – that is so hard. I wish I could give you a glass of wine.
Sending hugs to all who need one this evening.
So sorry, RVM. It’s hard to deal with difficult relatives. Age can make their limited filters stop working and make them even tougher than ever to be around and try to care for. Sending you virtual hugs! {{{{}}}}}}
I sympathize. My mother told me last week that her life has been a living hell since the day she moved in with me. My H and I turned our lives upside down to move her in with us when the doctor said she should not be living alone. When she says mean things to me I know I should be able to let it roll off but I can’t. It hurts me deeply. We do everything for her. It is making me physically sick to care for her. Thank goodness I work so am not with her 24/7. I frequently fantasize about running away from my life. Rockvillemom, you have my sympathy and big hugs.
Wow, @Psychomama and @rockvillemom, sounds like you’re both doing your very best under extremely trying conditions. Somehow our loved ones know us best and how to push our buttons. Knowing we should let things roll off our backs is the first step. Doing it is something else entirely.
@psychmomma - I tip my hat to you. I could not possibly have one or both of them living with me. I would literally lose my mind. I just need a break from the whole situation. Frankly, my parents are stupid. My sister lives in Missouri and has little to do with them. If I bail - they will have no one else to turn to.