I would have a very tough time living with my folks–spending a long weekend or even a 10-day trip is a struggle. Having them live in our household or us living in theirs might destroy our marriage or worse. Please make sure you both make time and space for yourselves–hire hospice or have others come and care so you can have a breather. Remember, you can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first (like the oxygen masks for the airplane–put on your mask first and then help others).
I’m so sorry. We soldier on, don’t we.
Is there any way some of you can afford someone else to occasionally step in? I know we talked of that earlier and some parents wouldn’t accept help. But try to find a way, even if it needs a big white lie.
My heart goes out to you both. And to anyone silent for the moment, but also enduring. As much comfort as it can bring us, as individuals, to know we’re not alone, it also hurts to know others go through the same crap.
Sometimes, it is ok to say, No Mas. Or to do what you can do, to stake a claim on your own lives. I understand how much we want to be “good.” But you have to be able to breathe.
If something did happen to you- an illness, a broken leg, a child in need, police at the door, I think we could step back for a moment, a string of moments, or longer periods, distance ourselves enough to take care of the urgent problem. Is it possible to find the same sort of perspective without a crisis?
I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I know these things hurt. They can cripple. There’s only so brave and all-fixing we can be. Hugs. Try to find that oxygen mask.
My friends made it a point to find a place where they would have the relative stay so they could have a respite, to go on a trip, move kid in (or out) of college, leave the state. It wasn’t the same as letting relative stay at home, but it gave my friends ability to breathe and have some change in their life so they could go back to caring with a lighter heart. Perhaps far away relative could pitch in to give you respite–financially or come over and watch while you and your spouse get a breather by going away for a long weekend or longer.
The weary pain is poignant here. Sending out wishes for strength, respite and relief.
While often elusive, breaks and self care can be life savers. Agree that boundaries are critical. This year I had had a health issue that precluded driving and required a wheelchair for outings. Completely changed the visiting schedule for my parent with dementia. I wouldn’t have cut back otherwise, yet it is good to know I can tend what I need to do, including take a break. It must be at the hairy edge of do-able to care for disparaging elders daily.
While our elders are not abusive, we have another family member who is (unreasonable demands, hostility, BPD type behavior). Maybe it is age or my health challenges, maybe it is cumulative “wisdom”, but tolerance is diminishing and the propensity for limit setting is increasing. Huge empathy here for having such a person largely dependent on you.
Good to read what has helped others. If there are options to kick around, from local elder day care to a few hours a week of home care to a geriatric care manager or respite care during a vacation, odds are someone here has relevant experience.
I did have a friend have her parent attend SR day care. The bus picks her up, she has activities and supervision and meal and snacks and then the bus takes her back home. This allows the friend and her H to work full time while her mom has care. They got a special grant that pays for most of the care, including the bus.
I could never have my mother live with me… having her here for a few days, even when she was younger, were more than enough for me. psychomama, I don’t know how you and your husband do it, but hugs to you. My mother also accused me of ruining her life when I moved her to the state I live in. It was difficult and hurtful to hear, particularly, when like you, I had turned my life upside down for her. I had to keep telling myself that I was doing my best for her and try to ignore her complaints. Not easy to do.
I get along well with my folks and they are not particularly needy but I still could not manage to have them live with me. Just having to monitor my dad’s blood sugar and meals means I’d have to be constantly by his side four plus times a day. I could not have a job, or any other commitments.
I realize people used to care for their elders in their homes but I’m assuming they had more family around and people did not general have long slow declines like they do today.
surfcity - I think you raise a valid point. My parents cared for their parents - who lived in apartments near them towards the end - and then in the only local aging facility. But they all passed away by 80! We have 3 surviving parents between 80 and 92 and it is not good. I don’t see a great quality of life for any of them - just endless complaining. And I figure it is only going to get worse.
Yes, the longer folks live, the more likely they are to have multiple ailments and chronic conditions, including pain and reduced mobility for a variety of reasons. The slow decline in the very elderly are hard on everyone.
My grandmother died at 90 but was pretty healthy and active up until the last month of her life. My aunt died at 92, but was becoming increasingly forgetful and homebound in her last years of her life and would complain to anyone who would listen.
“Use it or lose it” is a very important thing to remember.
It doesn’t seem that the ability to prolong life necessarily gives us better QUALITY of life for those extra years.
My mother is 92 with dementia and living in an assisted living that is very nice to her. FIL is 94 and the starts of dementia and will need an assisted living in a year. Both parents who died (76 and 87) had much more cooperative personalities and were pleasant to be around. Living parents are out of state and very hard to be around and this is nothing new for them. In the next few months H and I will retire and the kids are launched. We were totally planning and excited about retirement and freedom. But, not so sure about that now. Our parent’s parents died when our parents were in their 30s. We will be in our 60s. I guess this is the new norm.
My grandmother moved from overseas after my grandfather died to live with us. (Mom is an only child.). My mom always said she wouldn’t do that to us - it was very, very hard on her and on my parents’ marriage. That selective memory loss meant she was pushing for a granny flat with one of us. None of us could deal with mom, much as we love her, 24/7.
Mom’s mom passed away at 82, so for the past 4 years we’ve heard that no one should live this long (mom is now 86). Being in rehab/skilled nursing while she recovers from the compression fracture as well as the other things since then reinforces that belief for her. It’s hard being in some kind of pain all the time and going from sharp as a tack to confused over a 4-week period.
Our focus is getting her well enough to get out of rehab - better for her and better for us. If it means moving from independent living with one meal a day to having someone come in a couple of hours a day or full-on assisted living in her CCRC, so be it.
It is hard for us to be on for her all the time. She isn’t quite well enough to be by herself in rehab all day - so lonely and still confused - and we have jobs and families and homes. H and I are closing on a retirement/vacation home next week, and I have doubts about being to go over there at all this summer. Sisterly disagreements are sprouting.
RMH, I agree. It is the new norm.
My father is giving me the silent treatment as “punishment” for disagreeing with him on Tuesday. Blessed relief. I’m not lifting a finger for them. Had enough.
So sorry, RVM. The only thing harder than caring for aging parents is caring for difficult aging parents. But enjoy the quiet 
I think it is always funny when someone thinks they are ‘punishing you’ when in actuality their action or inaction is a blessing You try to do the right thing, but sometimes one can only go as far as they are capable, and also within reasonable boundaries when the other people involved may not have appropriate boundaries.
You might take this breather to think about what you are willing to do. It can help you draw your new lines and help with those sneaky present or future feelings of guilt for not trying to be perfect.
My mother once withdrew, changed her phone number, cut off contact for a few years. (She was in her late 60’s.) It was over a silly huff. It was hard because my brother and I do care to do the right thing. But I did mention she’s challenging. She now remembers that period as something we did to her.
I just cannot do this anymore. I have walked on eggshells my entire life. When I was a teen, he repeatedly threatened not to pay for college if I did not “behave” - I was an excellent student and never caused any problems. He severed contact with his sister 8 years ago after a trivial disagreement - fracturing our already small family. He routinely screams and curses at people who frustrate him - and then gloats about it.
My mother is his chief enabler. She makes excuses for his bad behavior. She gives him slack for being a “type A” personality. He dictates what she can and cannot do, who she can socialize with, etc. She has never stood up to him. He yells at her and belittles her and she defends him.
It is sick. I am exhausted. I have been told for the past 20 years that he is dying and to not cause him any upset as that would exacerbate his various conditions.
He is 84 and a miserable, misogynistic bully. Oh, he can be charming - if you listen to all his repetitive stories and agree with everything he says. But dare to disagree with him - and the yelling and cursing begins.
I feel bad for my mother, but she helped create this mess.
When he is finally dead, I’ll help her then.
Your mom has probably been emotionally abused all her married life. Maybe you can invite her (and her alone) for a mother/daughter visit.
Yes, at some point. For now, I am done.
Thank you for letting me unload.
RVM, as posters have said, counseling can will help. We get sucked in when they’re charming or generous, or at least not acting up, then it hurts worse when they snap again. This isn’t your fault. But if you can try to sort through with help, you can emerge stronger. Because when it’s close family, there are layers to extricate yourself from. I think one of the hardest parts is the patterns seep deep into our selves because they become so familiar- and we can’t tell which end is up, when we’re right, when we even have a right to hate it. It can seem so easy to just endure.
One of the things that struck me was when someone first labelled it as abuse. It is. Hugs.
RVM - Your father sounds very similar to mine, altho mine died 36 years ago so neither my mother nor I have had to deal with him in quite awhile. Every summer he threatened not to pay my college tuition bill if I so much as disagreed with him about anything. (Was that in both of their parent manuals?). He had my mother so intimidated that, even after he died, she wouldn’t do anything without considering how my father would react, because according to her if she did something he didn’t approve of “he’d come down and kill her in her sleep”.
Take advantage of his not speaking to you to get a respite from the torture.