Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

Parent Cafe
6741

@shellfell - I can see that happening. My Mom calls him “Daddy” when she speaks to me - as in “Daddy does not want me to do x or Daddy was upset about y” - so yes - I can easily imagine conversations after he is gone continuing in the same weird vein. She has not made an independent decision in 55 years - I am sure she will always refer to what would he do long after he is gone.

My mother still refers to him as “her knight in shining armor” - as she was 25 when they met in 1960 and on the verge of becoming an official “old maid”. Living with her controlling father and mother in a tiny apartment - I guess marrying him seemed wonderful by comparison.

Thanks for the suggestions of counseling - I don’t need it. I’m fine.

6742

Sounds like your mom went from a controlling dad to a controlling husband. Was familiar.

6743

Wow, Rockville
My FIL is emotionally abusive, though in a different way (no cursing, but lots of string pulling) and my sister’s FIL sounds like your Dad’s long lost twin.
I am sorry
All I can say is set boundaries to protect your psyche and do what you know if the right thing, not what he wants!

6744

((((RVM))) (((psychmomma))) There is nothing in the rules that say we must like our parents. It certainly makes your job harder. Fortunately my mom is sweet as always, and my dad, who has never been a kind person, is so much mellower in older age and mild dementia. But, I could never live with them. Remember psychmomma to have boundaries and to know when this arrangement is taking too much of a toll on you and your family.

RVM, I would take a very long break from your parent’s situation. These are certainly ingrained patterns of behavior that will never change. It’s OK to despise them, but better to take a long break than completely washing your hands of them.

6745

I think the fear is that something will happen to them, if we aren’t constantly minding them. A bit like with our teens and college kids.

6746

Yes - a long break indeed. My father is in very poor health and I have made my peace with the possibility that I will not see him again - despite the fact that they live 15 minutes away. There will be no Lifetime movie death bed reconciliation. I have been subject to his nasty, controlling behavior and temper tantrums for 52 years and I am done. I would re-engage with my mother in the future.

Just got off the phone with my aunt - my father’s younger sister - he stopped speaking to her 10 years ago after a trivial disagreement. We commiserated. It is impossible to have a relationship with a man whise basic philosophy is that women are stupid bimbos. He is such an angry man. I think I am better off without them in my life.

6747

Sounds like you are, sadly, better off without him and that demeaning attitude.

6748

So tough, rvm and psychomamma. There are times when these lines must be drawn. I always think of the old saws, “you can’t have a relationship for two” and it ‘makes no sense to go to a dry well for a drink’. Somehow these controlling, rage-driven people surround themselves with those who acquiesce and therefore are rarely held accountable for their behavior. I have an extended family member like this and the best times are when you are cut off from the tirades. It is harder with elders, as the inherent sense of their vulnerability is more palpable. Yet, we can not “fix” them or gain much by engaging in such deplorable exchanges. rvm- glad you could discuss your father with his sister. Always stunning how these people forfeit possible connections and supports. Hang in there.

6749

I just really want to thank all of you for your support. This is an issue I have been dealing with my entire life and I am weary. It’s not something I discuss very much with my real world friends - in my real life - I am very private. Which might surprise some of you, lol. My mother called for a quick hello before - and I did answer the phone, It was a quick fake cheery call - never mind the enormous elephant in the room. This is her universal coping strategy - ignore anything negative - pretend it does not exist. It is such a dysfunctional situation.

6750

I hope you get a break from it, rockvillemom; it sounds horribly toxic.

6751

SO sorry you are having to deal with this RVM…you have a good support system here.

Assisted living called me today about my mother and that she stays up at night and sleeps during the day. She has Alzheimers. I just listened and thanked the staff for their understanding. There is nothing I can do- it feels like a kid ‘make her behave’. She is in the at grey area where she is not quite ready for the dementia section.

H just took the 5 AM flight to see his 94 yr old father in the hospital. FIL just started getting meal on wheels and they thought he did not look right yesterday- went back later and he was on the floor and the police and to break the door down-he had had a stroke. That is exactly what they say about meals on wheels looking out for the elderly and checking how they are. Kudos to them. Well the stroke is left brain and right side so he is having trouble talking and thinking but did recognize him. He can walk with a walker 20 feet . Oh my we knew that something would be coming at his age, unfortunately I could not go with him (on call working) but he is going to look at assisted livings tomorrow. FIL father had a stroke at about 97 and living in an assisted living type place until 100 when he broke his hip.

6752

Oh my, that is a lot to deal with!

6753

rockymtnhigh, thank goodness for the Meals on Wheels crew paying attention. I wonder if that is part of their training.

6754

I’ve been away for almost 3 weeks, and just caught up.

RVM, of course I don’t know you nor the basis for your opinion about counseling or therapy. All I can do is tell you (again, sorry if I am being repetitious!) my story, briefly. My brother washed his hands of my dad and stepmom after they had a fight. He called me and said “it’s your turn” (I had always offered to help and he did take me up on it occasionally during his 4 years taking care of them). They called him every day for a year and he never took a call. My dad was bitter when I started supervising his care. I felt an obligation and did it because I worried that he had no one else, and my daughter (just finishing middle school when I started) loved her grandpa. But I really hated it. I felt like I was being electrocuted every time I walked into their house.

After a couple of years, along came Hurricane Sandy which left their house without power for 2 weeks. My daughter and I live in an apartment 2 flights up, with the only door that closes being the one to the bathroom. I have to pass through her room to get to my (tiny) room. And my stepmother was progressing rapidly down the dementia road and needed a lot of physical care. My dad had just had an operation on his vertebrae (at age 88!) He wanted to stay home and cook on a Coleman stove and get around the house with flashlights and a propane lantern. I found a place for my daughter to stay (NYC public schools were closed anyway because most subway lines weren’t working) and got them up the steps to my house. This lasted almost 2 weeks and I thought I would have a nervous breakdown.

When I finally got them home and got my father to accept more paid help for my stepmother (which they could afford but resisted), I could not relax. After a couple of weeks, I asked my friends for recommendations for a therapist. I sort of knew I needed to go but it seemed overwhelming to 1) find someone, and 2) tell this person my whole story before it would do any good. But it actually helped from the very first visit. My therapist told me that whatever mixed feelings I had about my dad (and there were plenty), it would be much better for me to work on resolving them while he was still alive. But she also helped me with relaxation techniques to deal with the day-to-day stuff.

By the time my dad died a couple of years later, I was so much more at peace than I was when I started seeing this therapist. Really, she saved me. And every time I felt overwhelmed, she said, “you have a choice. You don’t have to do this, or you can continue.” And she was right. But I am very grateful that with her help I was able to continue to manage their care and help my dad accept the need for outside help, as well as accepting that I did a “good enough” job, that I couldn’t move them in with me or go there (an hour each way) every day.

Now, of course there are parents that are just impossible and I am not judging you, not at all, for throwing up your hands in distress here. But in my extremely humble opinion, therapy might help with that.

In any event, I am so sorry you are in this position. (((((hugs)))))!!!

6755

Thank you so much - I do appreciate your story. Unloading here is my therapy. Truly - I want to compartmentalize my parents and make them a tiny piece of my life. I feel that going to therapy would just make them bigger. I pulled out my collection of books yesterday - “Walking on Eggshells”, “Toxic Parents”, etc. for a re-read. I realize it is not feasible to say I will have nothing to do with them. My father is dying and my mother is close to legally blind. They have no other family member to turn to.

But I am going to make it clear that when he screams and curses at me over something trivial (or over anything) that I am not going to put up with it. He is not always right - despite his belief to the contrary. And his pattern of yelling at and belittling women whenever he does not get his way stops with me.

My son was there Wednesday and “Poppy” was bragging about yelling at the woman at the front desk at their condo over a scheduled power interruption that was taking longer than anticipated. As if she could control it or knew exactly how long it would last. His behavior is disgusting and it escapes me how this has gone on for so long.

For now, I am having limited phone conversations with my mother and that’s it. Their loss.

6756

Good for you , RVM, for not taking abuse any more. Abusive people cannot abuse if a person is not willing to be their punching bag. If you ever choose to talk to him on the phone again and he starts that, you politely tell him you are not going to listen to that and you will need to let him go (on the phone) for now and hang up. If someone raises their voice, say goodbye and let them hear dialtone.

6757

Just my 2 cents. You’re right it can make the problems seem bigger, to schedule a time to focus on them. But counseling is a means to unload, with a trained ally, find the right ways to pack it up, dispose it, and move forward without the heavy baggage.

If I understand, Oldmom needed help to continue with her involvement. Maybe you want to get out.

My grandmother had a hair trigger, was likely a narcissist, and I had/have all sorts of issues with my mother. Left to my own learning or venting, I still couldn’t breathe, because the core issue was still there-- me. This was my history and it factored in my present and future.

So keep it as an option.

6758

You don’t choose your relatives, but you can choose to have negative things minimally affect you (as minimal as is humanly possible). Psalm 85 at church today was encouraging “Kindness and truth shall meet; justice and peace shall kiss. Truth shall spring out of the earth, and justice shall look down from heaven.” I found those thoughts particularly beautiful today.

Passing on encouragement and hugs to all that are in need.

6759

Sooo just checking in to report that in the next two weeks we are closing on selling DHs childhood home as well as moving my parents out of my childhood home. A collective ninety five years of living needs to be packed up and sorted through.

My parents have a tiny house and I have been doing bits at a time. DH is bigger and we live out of state. His Brother and sister kept saying to was no big deal, “we will just grab some boxes and fill them and each take some furniture” like it could be done in an hour. We thought they were crazy and wanted to hire a company that helps by consigning furniture and packing things properly because DH was away on business most of the month and I am dealing with my folks.

Guess who is panicking now? Bro and sis are freaking out that there is so much to do. DH was down and collected the mementoes he wanted so he is done mentally. He is executor so he still has to worry about details but he cannot stand it if he gets one more text or phone call from his sibs.

RVM I have no idea if counseling would help you. I am urging DH to go because he is so bitter at his sibs from how they treated him during this process. He feels like you do that he doesn’t want to think about it MORE by talking to a therapist. But he can’t compartmentaliize either.

6760

Packing up a house is definitely a several day project. It took us 3 people and 3 days to pack m-i-l’s 2br condo. This included multiple trips to charity dropoff and to the dump. And then packing what she wanted to move to indeoendent living facility. She insisted on moving large dining room table and 6 chairs from FL to TX. She only lasted in independent living for 3 months - moved to smaller space in assisted living - had to donate dining room set.

A good friend just did her parents’ 5br house that they had been in for 40 years - she did hire a company to help with furniture to be sold, donated, etc. It’s the logistics of the packing/trashing and then the human interactions as well. Not easy.