My mothers place is being handled this month by an estate sale company even though she is in assisted living. It is only a 900 sq ft home but has a full attic, basement, detached garage. Way too much for me and brother to do not to mention the hoarding. I guessed it would take 4 people 2 weeks to clean it out. The contract we chose does not pay by the hour only percent of estate sale. This is an interesting issue for boomers who are in our 60s with 90 plus year old parents. Last generation did not have to deal with this nearly as often I would think. My mothers parents died or went into a nursing home when she was in her 30s.
Here’s my clean out the house experience. My father died in 2010, in April 2013, we moved my mother to memory care in an assisted living facility. Then we could begin dealing with their 1500 sq ft house, and it’s full basement, double garage and multiple sheds. My husband and two teen kids spent every summer weekend hauling and organizing. We hired full trucks from 1-800-GOTJUNK twice. Then we called in the estate sale company. They sold/donated everything possible and still needed 2 full-size dumpsters. We ended up with $400 profit.
This spring mom moved into a skilled nursing facility, so we downsized her furnishings again. Some went right into the trash, some we thought would move to my daughter’s college apartment, but my daughter chose not to re-register and a very few things are still in mom’s room. But mom’s not, she broke her hip last week and has not yet been released from the hospital. Yeah, I’m having a great summer. #:-S
I don’t post often, but I do want to thank you all for sharing your stories. I’ve learned a lot from this forum, especially an understanding that things could be worse!
Making Decisions on Elder Housing May Take a Team Effort
Choosing living arrangements for an older person can take a lawyer, financial planner and physician — and perhaps a specialist to guide the process.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/11/your-money/making-decisions-on-elder-housing-may-take-a-team-effort.html
My friend admits that there are few reasons that she is still involved with her parents:
- she is afraid her dad will die and she won’t see him again - not that she gets along that well with him, but she feels sorry for him
- she thinks children must be involved with their grandparents, even if the grandparents are toxic
As for therapy, she has so many other family issues, I cannot see it helping her. Her one daughter is in therapy, and I wondered if she could see her too, but she “doesn’t have the time”.
At some point, we have to all find time for ourselves, no matter what the circumstances of the people around us - even our parents, even our kids.
Hi–I have not posted on this site in a long time (my kids are long finished college) but avidly the Cafe, especially this thread. My mom (age 85) had a mild stroke a month ago and is still in skilled nursing. She can no longer live alone in her 2 story townhouse OR drive (which saddens her more than moving). Overall she is doing well, just balance and short-term memory issues. We have just signed a lease on an independent living apt. in a senior community that will provide extra services if necessary. She has enough money for now until we sell her townhouse, and have just lined up a realtor for that as soon as we move her stuff into her apt. Not much will be going though, 3 of the 4 siblings AND their spouses and some adult grandchildren are descending on her townhouse this Friday and Sat to begin the organization and downsizing. My sister lives too far away to drive in (she was here a couple weeks ago) but continues to want to buy things and spend money (!!!). Now we have to get rid of a kitchen set that she bought and ‘thought’ would fit in the new apartment. My sister also wants to buy her new towels and sheets along with a new mattress!!! And new dishes!!! WHY??? She also wanted to refinish my mom’s bedroom furniture but my mom will need it too soon to do that.
I expect to be throwing away a LOT of stuff, donating other stuff and there are just a couple of items I’ll try to sell on Craigslist. We may end up calling an estate broker eventually. The goal this weekend is to de-clutter the house and choose the furniture that will be going with her so the movers can come and get it. Then we’ll put the house on the market and finish going through everything else until it’s sold.
I had asked my mom many times over the years to have a plan if something happened to her, but she refused to do it–the stubborness I’ve read about here many times. So now my whole summer is spent on this along with a lot of my vacation days. I don’t resent taking the time off (I actually worked a whole week last week!!), it’s just that it could have been avoided with a lot less stress if she would have considered a plan. I have vowed to my children that I will NOT do this to them. I know this is the same scenario a lot of you have been through–venting here sure helps!!! Why are we all going through these same problems? Such a common theme!!
Donate as much as possible, some will bring a truck to your house (Goodwill and Salvation Army in our area will).
You could also have an estate sale; there are companies that will handle it, whether or not there are “heirlooms” in the bunch 
(I personally would NEVER use Craigslist - I’d also consider Freecycle if it is in your area)
My dad has been annoying me about needing money without telling me why, and not asking my other siblings for money (according to him). He has no plan, has a house with many stairs and his only negotiation is to have a Life Alert necklace. All of his kids would take him to live in their house, but only one has the location and space for him (all kids out of college and near my dad’s church - nearer than my dad’s current house actually).
My MIL at least has downsized several times, and is in a senior community with no stairs. She got a speeding ticket for going 35 in a 25 mph zone (speedtrap) so is even more cautious with driving lately. She lives quite a ways away from us, so no idea if anything happens what we would do 
Pretty sure my parents never planned to die. 
Or get old, and not be able to keep accumulating. Their reality was growing up in tough times. Both of my parents were born in 1926, so the majority of their childhood was during the Depression. Then World War II and rationing for their high school years. My mother’s Catholic HS abandoned wool uniforms because the wool was all being used for the soldiers. Her older sister got married in 1944 and many of the ‘gifts’ were butter, egg and sugar ration cards so they could make a wedding cake. That scrimp and save mentality never left either of them. They had bought a nice house in 1966, and they sure weren’t going to leave it!
My mother probably always thought she’d be taken care of by me or my sister. Her growing up years always included a grandma or maiden aunt living upstairs. She is mentally now so locked in that time frame - as a little girl or teen - that she just can’t imagine that an old lady wouldn’t be with family. Sometimes that is heartbreaking for me. I can take her not recognizing me, or thinking I’m my sister (who will show up for the funeral) but to know she might feel abandoned sometimes is hard.
Rationally, I know I have not abandoned her. I made sure she is in the best facility possible, and I have been responsible with her funds to keep her there. I’ve done the best I could without destroying my own family life (I do still have teens at home). And I know everyone on this forum is also doing the best they can - or they wouldn’t be coming here for advice and support.
My mom is an incredible lady and she and my dad moved from their 6 bedroom house into a two bedroom condo about 10 years ago. At the time, they had the condo fitted with an entry ramp and accessible doorways because, “What if.” Since then my dad had a stroke and she took care of him at home for 5 years before he died, which was possible because they had the foresight to make the condo accessible. They had also downsized their belongings because they wanted to make it easy for my siblings and me…someday. Well, the only problem now is that it’s not very close to anything and she has to drive to get anywhere. She’s 83, just replaced the access van we had for a small SUV and really knows her limits re: driving, but we’d like her to consider moving closer to my sister, really only about 15 miles, but much closer to shopping etc. Much as I know she loves her house, she’s told us that she will start looking to move next year…she wanted a year at home to deal with the reality of my dad’s passing. My grandfather lived with us when I was young, and I do think my sisters and I would love to be able to do that for her, if the need arises, but I know mom will prefer to live on her own. It’s so hard to watch them grow old, but I feel very lucky to have a mom who is both practical and pragmatic. Right now she’s doing another “purge” of belongings so there will be even less to move when she chooses to relocate.
My heart goes out to all of you who have difficult relationships with parents and in-laws (now that one I know first hand and cannot even imagine what will be in the future on that front with my H’s parents). Having to worry about the older generation while still helping our own kids to find their way is a daunting experience. This forum has been a wonderful place to share, vent, learn, and lean. Thank you all.
Well, it looks like I am getting close to joining this club. I’m still in shock and reeling. My parents live in Florida and last week my Dad found out he has terminal cancer with probably less than a year to live. He is 86, my Mom is 82 and not in great health but still ambulatory. She is starting to have short term memory loss and she knows it. They flew up this week. Since it hasn’t been a week yet since the news, they are still grieving quite a bit, but my Dad is holding it together.
The own a condo in South America, where he is from and rent a condo in Florida, where they spend 9 months out of the year. They are here this week to have a “family” meeting with my brother and me, then will leave in a week for S.A. for several weeks. The plan last week was to then come back to the state, pack up and move back here.
My darling husband, says they can live with us and Mom can live with us after DAd is gone. Brother is 2 hours away and I know his home is open, too…but they don’t get along that well with SIL and they still have little kids.
I am about to be an empty nester in the fall and my life has just took a extreme roller coaster ride. Needless to say I am so shocked about my Dad and am hurting desparately for him that he has this knowledge of his own death. However, I am scared S**tless with them living with us. I’ve been looking forward to this new freedom and I love my privacy at home. I am just sick to my stomach the thought of them living with us. But you could tell they are on the downhill. I know they want to stay with us. Mom is absoltuley the least independent person I know and is scared of her own shadow. I won’t put her anywhere yet, and I doubt they could afford it. I am just sick. sick, sick.
When they come to visit us, I’m ready for them to leave in 4 days.
I work 30 hours a week and don’t have any plans to stop in the short term. Oh god…I’m just so sad and scared.
((Conmama))
Just breathe for the moment. That’s a lot to process all at once. You don’t have to figure it out all now and odds are things will change that will affect plans made today.
You’ll have to think about how safe it would be for your mom to live with you. She may see that she would be better off in a senior apartment where there are activities and people to meet.
But that’s getting ahead of yourself. Try to take things one day at a time.
Ok, surfcity…I will breathe. I’ve actually tried that a few times in the last week. I’m finding I’m getting heart palpitations from the stress. I’ve never felt that before and googled it. I think I might make an appt. with my doc just to see what they have to say. I do notice it the more stressed I feel. Heart pounding.
I don’t think my MOm realizes how lonely she will be home all day with no one. Thanks again. One day at a time!
conmama - Sorry for what you’re dealing with. As regards your mother living with you, not only do you have to consider how lonely she might be home alone all day, but, if she’s starting to have memory loss, you also have to consider her safety if she’s home alone all day. What if she puts something on the stove and then forgets she’s cooking. I realize this is getting way ahead for you, but it’s also something to consider.
Yes, this sounds familiar. And frustrating, and a good reminder to me that I will. not. do. this. to my kids.
conmama, so sorry for your news. What a shock, just as you were making plans for some freedom. Do keep in mind that you have to save yourself first. My mother is the most caring, nurturing person I have ever met or will ever meet, but she could not keep my senile grandmother in the house with her. She tried, but it almost killed her, and my grandmother still would have had to go to a nursing home.
conmama - that is a lot to digest all at once.
What if they sold the SA condo, gave up the FL rental and rented close to you? Close enough so you can help - without actually having them move into your home. More privacy/space for all involved.
So tough conmama. I want to add to the voices about safety. My parents would not be safe living with us. We are working all day and often away for 13 hours. I would worry about them leaving the house and wandering, especially since they are so very ambulatory. The idea of renting an apartment near you is a good one. Take a deep breath. These decision can wait until after the family meeting. I suspect your dad is already putting plans in place.
Conmama, im so sorry to hear this news. My suggestion is to not make any decisions in a panic or only with your emotions. Take a breath and take time to figure out if your home is the best for everyone. There are many options to consider.
Conmama, let me add to the chorus of care. Please be sure to look after yourself so that you are able to help them evaluate their best options.
Thanks everyone. I agree the best short term decision (for me) is to have them sell and move up here, rent a place. But I don’t know how much time he has left and if renting a place is really the best thing. They are sort of in denial and I can tell my Dad is being stubborn. I think his sneaky plan will be to stay in S.A., not sell the condo, die…then have us have to deal with that mess of selling a condo in a 3rd world country. Really, he can be quite selfish in that regard…someone else clean up the mess. Mom is starting to get snappy already, saying that she isn’t going to live with someone that doesn’t want her and giver her dirty looks. I told her people are just human and she said that my brother said he’d build a room on for her (my brother is unemployed, SIL works full time, they have special need kids)…and she doesn’t think SIL will give her dirty looks? It’s just a mess.
Brother comes in today, so this conversation this afternoon will be interesting. He actually gets along much better with my Mom than I do. He calls her everyday…he is very dependant on them emotionally (and financially)!!! I"m sure if MOm lives with him, she’ll be turning over that SS check in a nanosecond. Perhaps it’s worth it!!!
I don’t know. I know I’m not thinking clearly either right now. They are not the easiest people. Like many, my Dad has been controlling and emotionally abusive to my Mom, she is a doormat. I couldn’t wait to leave home. He was always in a bad mood and a control freak. I hated him sometimes. Now that he’s an old man, it’s not like that so much…but they have the most dysfunctional relationship to me. I still remember the joy of leaving home to be away from him, and the thought of having to live with them again makes me want to cry.
So @conmama perhaps your brother can find out how long they have on the FL lease. Do you have relatives/friends in S.A. to assist with the condo sale? It would seem your dad would want to follow through with his US doctor/medical care. I think the more you can work with your brother. Since he talks so much with your mom, and the three of you seem to really need to be a team in this.
This is a very high stress time for you all. A bomb has just been dropped after all. Maybe your brother can find out what needs to be done as far as wills, etc.
I know we have loose ends with that stuff.
Perhaps your parents know of an elder attorney in their area to make sure they have everything taken care of, or if they will be moving to another state before your dad passes?
Maybe journaling will help you. Also keeping a separate list of what needs to be done - maybe you want to get the Kathleen Fraser book “When I’m Gone - Practical Notes for Those You Leave Behind”. Learning the process with your parents is going to help you apply the learning to having your own ‘house in order’.
{{Hugs.}}
@SOSConcern …thanks. This afternoon we will be discussing many things, but I like your idea of writing down things to discuss. i will do that today before I leave work.
I have a name of an honest lawyer in S.A. give to me that has helped some of my friends down there who have parents still there selling their home. I will be contacting him to find out what exactly he does and give my Dad his name also. What a hassle.
Thankfully, my DH is an estate planning attorney. My Dad is the secret, sneaky type and wouldn’t let my DH do their wills years ago. That is another thing they need to be honest with us about, but i wonder if they will. They need updated wills, POA, and all that stuff that is their specialty. I don’t think my parents have much left in assets, the biggest one is the condo in S.A, probably worth less than $100K. I imagine in annuities less than $25. My brother has had a tough life with ADHD both types, Dxslexia and he’s never been able to hold down a job for long, trying to work on his own. I know my parents worry constantly (he’s 47). He has a daughter is Aspergers, ADHD son that is partially deaf. I told them that if they wanted to leave him their assets I don’t care…but I wanted Mom’s jewelry when they pass. They seemed happy with that, but it needs to be in a will…with their health care directives. I think that is another thing that he won’t want to do…we’ll see.