@conmama, I am so sorry. This is a tough, tough situation. And aside from gigantic emotional/interpersonal ramifications, there are so many practical issues to resolve.
What I didn’t write there (in response to a different situation) is that resolving some of the lifelong issues I had with my dad before he passed away was a great blessing, to both of us I think but I know it helped me a lot.
I really hope that your dad updates his will. My brother died a few weeks ago without one. He had been ill for a long time and knew he didn’t have much time left but apparently he just couldn’t do it. This will complicate matters a lot for my sister-in-law, and she doesn’t need that, on top of losing her 59-year-old husband.
Perhaps your husband could recommend another attorney.
@oldmom4896 I appreciate you advice. You know I actually was considering Therapy to be able to talk to someone. Friends don’t want to hear the never ending complaining/whining…they’ll run away when they see you coming. A spouse can only take so much of it. Where does that leave people? Forums like this are fantastic…but I also considered Therapy. With talking, you can discuss in depth all the issues and nuances. Writing it out here would be a book that people don’t want to take the
@conmama, I felt so much relief talking to my new therapist (who I found through asking a bunch of local friends for recommendations). It really helped relieve enough of my anxiety that I could (more or less) deal efficiently with what was ahead of me, to say nothing of working on emotional issues with my dad, my stepmother, and my siblings. I had worried that it would take forever to explain my situation, but I felt much better after the very first visit.
Even the best of friends can be funny when a crisis hits you. You need them and in order to keep what you can, you sometimes end up sparing them and the whole equation goes off kilter. In a way, you end up doing double duty, taking care of the issues at hand and taking care of your friends’ need to not feel so terribly needed (which, of course, they are.) Then throw in the need to take care of your own self.
Don’t entertain an idea to have both parents or one parent move in, now or later, if you will suffocate. Don’t hold yourself to an impossible standard. Sometimes, it helps when you can draw that first line in the sand, face it, get that hovering question settled. It’s ok.
@conmama, I definitely believe in writing down - not only what the plans (at the moment) are, but the factors to consider. If you have a child going off to college, the lack of attention let alone the seriousness of all the circumstances may be a blow to them.
I also would consider each option - your parents staying in FL with home health care, them moving to SA, or them moving in with you. To be honest though, the option of them staying with your brother and you providing limited help as needed might be the best for your immediate family, and you can deal with traveling to them as need be but still go home to your empty nest.
If he has terminal cancer, it may be difficult for him to just up and leave his home (depending on how long they’ve lived there, but I can see how someone from SA could be happier living in FL (I assume you live far from FL and somewhere colder…)). The lack of control of their lives that is thrust upon them is going to be difficult, and if they already were difficult, it may be more of a stress to have them live with you than them staying put.
(I would also consider requesting a leave of absence from work (via FMLA) if possible to go and see them at their home. Over the phone is difficult, especially in terms of gauging how hard it will be to give up on their current lifestyle (would they live in Florida all year in light of the news, if they had the choice?).)
@rhandco. Yes, I live in the midwest and they don’t want to live here anymore because of not just the weather, but other circumstances. They have lived in Florida for 20 years now. I never considered them just staying put, but they are very lonely there. They have no friends and spend all their time just together…alone…in that condo. Even so, they have refused to move back home, so I know they aren’t too excited in doing that. I just don’t think he wants to spend his last days alone with just Mom.
I don’t know if they have home health care in S.A., but I doubt it, at least not comparable to what we have here. I think those countries are not so much nuclear family situations, but it’s not uncommon for generations to live together. However, they don’t have children there, just older nieces/nephews (older than me…they are in their 60’s), who I’m sure do not feel inclined to take care of them, I don’t blame them.
We are having that family discussion today and I’m not looking forward to it.
Yes, the option to stay in FL. Then you and your brother periodically fly to them. (I decided to help my brother’s flight costs, if needed.) The other option isn’t to move in with you, but whether AL near you or your brother makes sense. But moving and the new adjustments, new doctors, etc, may not be worth it. (Moving can also exacerbate elder issues.) SA seems too complicated to get to and you said they’re only there a few months/year.
While I have on my opinionated hat, insist on the final paperwork, now. That’s a hill worth climbing. I had to tell my mother flat out that I couldn’t legally help her without it, that her desire to be in control of everything would backfire, if the state stepped in. I wasn’t as harsh as that sounds, it took some reverse psychology. She could see it as protecting her own interests.
@conmama, I have no idea about South America (but I’m sure it can vary a lot from country to country there). I do know that my friends in Israel were able to hire live-in help for the husband’s mother to spend her last days near them but not in their house, at a very reasonable cost. I imagine this kind of help (along with nannies and maids) may be more readily available in some S.A. countries than it is here in the U.S.
Agree about the paperwork - if your mom is declining even somewhat, you or your brother should be designated POA for each parent. They may need an attorney to help them understand what it means (there is medical POA and financial POA from what I understand).
To be honest, if I lived in FL for 20 years and the option was go to the Midwest and die, with new doctors and so on and feeling a burden, and stay in FL and keep with my old doctors, I’d probably want to stay.
NFN, but I would think that if he was diagnosed in FL and has US citizenship and health insurance, he would be better off to stay in FL and is certainly closer to you than if he was in SA. As for relatives not his direct kin, you never know how family will treat you, so I cannot think SA would be a viable option…
Good luck with your family discussion, our thoughts are with you to be strong for you and your family.
@lookingforward and @oldmom4896 That is definitely food for thought. It might be an “option” that I bring up today. Would they really rather stay put? Would they really rather be in SA?
The problem with FL is that my mother doesn’t drive. They have some guy who drives her around that lives in the condo unit if my Dad is indisposed, but he’s old, too. This last episode of him in the hospital for just 3 days before the news was a complete hassle. I don’t think they are really looking ahead to what may need to occur…hospice care. I really think they will need help making decisions, visiting if he is somewhere, etc. Nothing is a good situation.
But I will definitely feel them out about what they are really wanting to do, and then put out what may occur…hospitalizaitons, getting back and forth, hospice care. Right now he is feeling well enough that they are in the denial stages somewhat.
Conmama, you aren’t alone. I’m so sorry about your dad. Hope your discussion went well and you don’t need to make any quick decisions. My mom had to suddenly and unexpectedly move in with me two years ago and it is tough sometimes. I also work. My H gets major points for welcoming her into our home, as well as my high schooler. She has dementia, but mild with some memory issues at this point. I understand everything you were saying about not burdening friends, even though this is when you need them most. It’s definitely a catch twenty-two. This group has been invaluable to me.
We found a great support group for adult children and spouses of people with dementia at our local Jewish Community Center. It meets monthly and is facilitated by a social worker. Has kept us from overburdening our friends, although so many of our friends also have parents with dementia that we could almost start our own support group!
I found a support group too. It was sponsored by the local Alzheimer’s Association. Unfortunately it met the same time that my new therapist had free to see me so I had to stop going but it was definitely helpful.
I see I have 700 posts to catch up on, but wanted to share this article about HIPAA. Even with POA and Advanced Directive in place we have had trouble getting all of the medical records for my mom. Her hospital insists on a court ordered conservatorship to grant online access to her information. The article alludes to a “common sense” allowance for HIPAA, and I have found that if I encounter an unhelpful staff member I can usually get what I need by calling back later and speaking to someone else.
Sending hugs, prayers and encouragement your way @rockvillemom - hope the situation is not too emotionally draining for you.
Even when you know a parent does not have healthy relationship interactions and expectations, it still is difficult, as we have just one biological mother and father. Of course some people have others that have stepped into the parent role - thank God for many having that healthy relationship there for them.
On privacy, I agree it can matter who you speak with; additionally, once I have met with a particular provider and parent, it seems to clear the way for future contact. I bring copies of my health care proxies/MOLST/DNR (and even PoAs for back up) to all hospitals and offices to copy and ensure it is filed. Some offices have their own forms as well. Have relative sign while there with you (assuming they are cooperative) or call office ahead of visit, fax copy of health care proxy if acceptable and see if they might walk willing relative through it. My guess is that a reluctant elder might get a little encouragement from some offices, but pressure and lots of finessing seems unlikely. Even with all that, there can be frustrations.
Best to everyone here- seems to be a challenging time for many.