FWIW, both me and my daughter have had pneumonia, so much for being the “old man’s friend”…
My case was mild when I was in my 30s, but hers was rather severe and when she was about a year old, with only breathing trouble as a symptom, she was very happy otherwise. Both lungs were solid white on the X-ray (severe double pneumonia). She recovered very well after antibiotic treatment in the hospital and oxygen.
The thing is, she is more susceptible to bronchitis and flu now (more than 10 years later), so we keep an eye on her. Both of us got the flu last winter and none of the others in the house got the flu, despite her being generally the clingy sort and me not avoiding the spouse at all.
Consideration for an early flu shot and pneumonia shot (that if not given already, they last multiple years) should be made for both your dad and mom, conmama.
I am glad you are getting down to FL - I think it should help that they were up at your house, and you are going down to their house. I am not sure about going to SA if he is just out of the hospital, but like others have said, you can help and cajole, but they are in charge of what they ultimately do.
Good luck in all of this. It’s such a 24/7 drain to go through this at all, so please find some “mental health” time for yourself, even if it is just a grande at Starbucks…
My daughter had breathing trouble and was up in the middle of the night. I thank goodness that the Internet was available at the time and I looked up her specific symptoms (tachypnea) and found out despite her happiness and being up and active, she should go to the ER ASAP.
Anyway, enough anecdote: @conmama and anyone else who has a loved one with pneumonia in the past, please get one of these (just one example), we have one and it has really helped to tell “just a cold” from a lung/oxygen issue:
This one is REALLY cheap compared to the one I got, but mine does have some computer capabilities. Totally painless way to check oxygen (assuming your dad doesn’t have a pulse oximeter at home).
conmama, I understand the need and impulse to have everything planned out, but the future of your parent’s lives is something you can plan at this moment. Once you are there, you can get a sense of what their immediate needs are and what resources are available to help them. With your father having terminal cancer, I would absolutely start with hospice. Hospice will help connect your parents to the resources needed, such as low cost rides that many communities have available. If your dad’s care is too much for your mom, hospice homes are often available. You can ask his personal doctor or the oncologist for a referral to hospice. They will then contact you and you won’t have to scramble around with phone calls. I have no doubts your dad will qualify and it’s best to start with hospice ASAP. Most hospice organizations say that people contact them when it is too late.
As to your mom’s future, visit some continuing care retirement communities first, and then bring your mom with you to one that she can afford and she can see that it doesn’t feel like a nursing home. But now, with her husband of many years with a terminal illness, it’s probably not reasonable to ask her to make a rational decision at this time. If she wants to stay where she is, see if she can access the resources she needs to live independently. If she can’t, have a discussion with your brother (you are very fortunate to have a supportive sibling) and present her with options that you both can live with. Decide these boundaries ahead of time while coming up with options. For example, I would never present the option of living with me as a possibility. For my folks, it was clear to them that independent living in a CCRC was their best chance of not being a “burden” to others. But, my parent’s are logical people. Other elders need to have their hand forced a bit.
Thank you all. I don’t remember what all I’ve written. Dad went into the hospital on Monday night with Pneumonia and his health has been back and forth since then. I talked to him last night and he sounded better but weak…thinking they might let him come home today (my flight is tonight). He said he was anxious for me to be there and vice versa, I’d see him soon. Just got a call from the friend that is with Mom and last night he turned worse again. He was combative, swinging out and they had to put gloves on him and he’s on mask oxygen. Doctor said he might not be with us long and that Hospice is coming in. I can’t believe this is happening SO FAST! He was just given the diagnosis 2 weeks ago. My brother is coming with me tonight. I think we are just on an hour by hour thing right now. I am on autopilot, trying to just calm and think logically. My brother and mother are the same type of people…emotional. My DAd and I are the same…more pragmatic and controllers. I don’t know what is in store for us right now, but please say a little prayer for us all. They don’t have a PC, let alone Wifi…so don’t know when I’ll get back. I have my phone, but what a PITA to type on for anything.
I am SO SO SO glad I went down there by myself last September and just spend 4 days with them. We went out to eat at fun places, talked, watched movies, shopped. I often find myself at odds with my parents, and it was just a great time. I have the best pictures of them together. I can’t believe that was just 10 months ago and now I’m saying goodbye.
@conmama, so glad you were there last September and so glad you and your brother are on the way to the hospital. This thread was such a help to me during my dad’s final two weeks of life (despite technical issues caused by the CC transition, oy!). I am sure I am not out of line to say that your CC friends here are all thinking of you at this very, very difficult time. Your phone may not be a good online communications tool but it may be helpful to keep in touch with those near and dear to you in real life. Hoping for the very best for you and your parents and brother.
Thank you @oldmom4896. We all know this day is coming, but it is such a surreal feeling. He had a full life accomplishing and doing many things. Traveled the world. A very difficult parent at times, I think he had undiagnosed bipolar, but an extremely generous man as well. A life well lived.
Sometimes, it’s easiest on us to try to get them settled near us. Other times, flying in may not be so hard, if the trade off is they get what they need, where they are. (And it can offer some chance to control guilt.) Some areas (I’d guess FL falls into this) can be much less expensive.
After years of resisting IL, my mother is happy in Tuscon. As I think some posters mentioned, she says, if she’d known, she would have done this years earlier. She’s paying half of what she’d pay in my area. Her place is good, the people nice, the services (rides, hairdresser, etc) work well, she likes the appearance, inside and out. She’s in a motorized wheelchair, not a socially dependent person (though she appreciates approval,) not interested in most activities, but she gets the human contact (previously, she could go days without leaving her apt,) and still has plenty of privacy. I like that she has people in charge there who are familiar with aging issues, unlike her apt place here.
One thing we can work on is our own feelings of guilt. I find two core types of guilt: the sort for a mistake we made and the type where we are really projecting (fear of guilt in the future, if we don’t do every single thing we can, today.) But we can’t make everything perfect, we can’t fill in all the gaps for them, be there to socialize, monitor their everyday health, etc, convince them to do as we think is best (especially when they resist.) What we can do is try to work on our own acceptance of that truth.
If we can stand back a bit (and sometimes, this is where good counseling comes in,) we can be a little more rational.
If things happen fast, counseling is hard to get unless you try a hospital social worker. Legal issues can take priority over counseling and state of mind.
A 24-hour hotline might be one of the few options to get some professional or at least trained help fast. Something like this: http://samaritansnyc.org/calling-the-hotline/ (trained volunteers, not licensed counselors)
Thank you all. YOu know, my Mom and I haven’t gotten along really well in the last 20 years. We do go long lengths of time without seeing each other. Sometimes we get along, sometimes we don’t. OK…so things are really day by day right now. They are moving Dad into a Hospice Center, and the nurse said sometimes in there they look after them well and they start to feel better. Basically, my Dad could die tomorrow…he could be around for 2 weeks? Nobody knows. So, my brother’s knee jerk reaction was to fly his whole family down there tomorrow. 3 kids, one with Aspergers, one with ADHD-H and another a little drama queen (ages 17, 13, 11). They have no money, so basically can’t really afford the airfare, let alone a hotel. My parents live in a 2 bedroom condo. With all that is going on right now, I told my brother it should jsut be me and him flying in tonight. Let’s access the situation…having all of them there will just stress everyone out. I can just seeall those kids going in and sobbing, sobbing, sobbing…especially my younger niece who likes to draw attention to herself. They are like that.
Brother said ok. So, he cancelled their flights and just he and I are flying in tonight. I talked to my Mom just a minute ago and she got real pissy with me about that, which sort of shocked me. then she called back and apologized but then started getting pissy again, saying she is not a baby and she asked Dad if he wanted his grandkids because he loves them, and she can’t understand why I said no. Heck, I thought she would be grateful. I just said that we don’t know what’s going on, and I think it’s better if just we are together to access the situation and decide then. So, I guess I’m walking into my Mom being mad at me. I still think I did the right thing. Well, you know what? Maybe if they had moved home like I"ve been telling them to do for years, they could have that deathbed scene she’s imagining.
I don’t know…emotions are high and I just don’t know how I’m going to react if she’s mean.
I’m not carting my DH and kids down there right now…nor will I. They had time with their grandfather last week when they were here.
@Conmama, hugs to you & everyone who is dealing with these tough situations. You definitely made the right call. At this crisis point, having extra drama of sobbing grandkids will fray everyone’s nerves and make it more difficult to make good, RATIONAL choices. WIth Skype and FaceTIme, the kids can “be” there without the expense and minimizing the drama.
Your mom’s emotions are rollercoastering and since she figures you can take it, she lashes out at you. You know this, but you have to fortify yourself. This is mom’s way of coping–very unfair and unkind to you, but it is what it is. Please take care of yourself and be sure to have some relaxation/meditation/“me time” for keeping yourself sane through this challenging time. You have to remember to put toe O2 mask on yourself first before you can help others.
So sorry you’re going through this right now. Your mother may have been pissy no matter what your brother did with his family. Her life is getting turned upside down now too. Don’t take it personally (easier said than done). I think you made the right decision considering you don’t know for sure what your father’s response may be in hospice. Be kind to yourself.
Keep it simple. “Mom, we can get the rest of the family here quickly. But Brother and I are coming asap for you and Dad.” She probably can’t process your explanation of why the others aren’t coming right now.
It is good you and your brother can come to an agreement. Hugs to you and him as you deal with this, as well as to your parents.
I don’t know if you can have your nieces and nephews record a “video card” for your dad, instead of Skyping him live. That’s probably what I would do (and for your own kids to do too).
Conmama- thinking of you and your family. This is a one step at a time situation, and many questions will continue to arise. Hospice has the huge advantage of experience, expertise and not being part of the family. They can provide the broader context for what is going on and perhaps help you to be out the direct hot seat on some issues.
All the best to you at this hard time. Words seem inadequate, yet you have a lot of fellow travelers here. Take good care.
Agree, sending an upbeat, entertaining video of the grandkids that can be replayed as often as desired would be better than live with drama and sobbing. Great idea, @rhandco!
Conmama- you are the pragmatic one and the decisions you are making reflect this. A clear, calm head is what is needed here and you’ve got that. The next step is some emotional triage - mostly dealing with your mom, brother and yourself. Put yourself first. You are doing a great job under some very difficult circumstances. We’re all here for you.
I hesitate to post this on a public forum, but I would bet I am not the only one with these thoughts. Since it is my DH’s parents I can be a bit more analytical than he can.
His parents are painful, tough to be around, angry people, emotionally abusive people, narcissists who love him and me as best they are capable, but in reality it is a far cry from a good relationship, they are quite old now and they are never going to change, DH thinks it will actually be a relief when they go.
I wonder, seeing for example, Conmama who posted some feelings of anger and frustration and such, but then when faced with Dad near the end, Conmama, you seemed to feel very sad. That really makes me think about us.
How has it gone for those of you who did not have a good rapport, did not enjoy your parents, or who actually disliked them? Are there feelings of regret and guilt when they go?
I am wondering about supporting my DH, once they are gone, all hope of that dreamed of relationship s gone, will that be mourned? Should he attempt to create something better?
I find his parents to be unreasonably demanding in attitude and have told DH to do the right thing, on his terms. So, go visit when you can, but don’t allow them to pull the guilty heartstrings. The in laws have a long history of calling him to drop everything and fix something.
Don’t get me wrong, they live 1000+ miles away and he/we see them 3-6 times a year
But we always get the guilt trip that they should see us more, the kids more (guilted about “we never see DD” a mere 3 months after she visited, from abroad) so, nothing is ever enough and the visits rarely go well.
I keep thinking and wondering how he will feel when they are gone and should he be taking steps now.