Wow, esobay. Then who helps her to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Hospice surely isn’t 24/7? I feel that we need hospice on top of level 5 care!
@preironic who performed the evaluation for hospice eligibility? It sounds like you need an advocate who can coordinate all of her care. Would her current MD put in a referral to a VNA? They have case managers who may be able to help out.
GTalum, sounds like part of what SIL doesn’t understand is that your parents just don’t care that much about her kids any more. This is your brother’s widow? If her parents are still active with the grandkids, she may not be ready to process the fact that the other grandparents’ world has shrunk to the point where they just don’t show much interest anymore in any of the grandchildren, and may feel it is her duty to maintain the connection. That doesn’t make the iPad your problem, but maybe the communication can be about their shrinking world view and lack of motivation to connect rather than the technology issue. I see this with my FIL, he goes through the motions of asking because he remembers he is supposed to, but can’t listen for very long to the answers before starting off on one of his monologues.
Doctor asked home health to send out hospice nurse to evaluate. Home health sends out a nurse periodically, and that is good. She needs frequent checks for UTI’s, but we usually have to ask the doctor or nurse to do one based on our observations. Maybe I need to talk to our home health care agency.
preironic … home health care might help. We got the Dr. to give a standing order to the AL place to check for UTI’s . I could tell on the phone when she went “off” and would call and they would do it. I don’t know why THEY couldn’t see she was off, probably didn’t spend enough time with her.
NO ONE is helping mom at night. They leave her in bed, she gets up and tries to go or can’t get up and pees her depends. Some one hid all her underwear so she has to wear the depends. I helped her when I was there. I also just asked that instead of the alarm on her door to note when she left the apartment that they put the alarm on the bed so that if she did actually make it out of bed they would check her so if she fell in the bathroom (again) that they would know. I don’t know why they can’t put baby monitors in more of the rooms. She cries out for help. Guess one girl tending 85 residents at night might miss a few cries. (sarcasm font, I am in an email war with the director about staffing levels).
I am in the same “small town” boat. there is no geriatric doctor, nor pallative care nor elder case manager. I sometimes think people would be better off with the vet in town over the Dr.s at the hospital.
Thanks all for affirming my prickly attitude about such. Yes, this is my brother’s widow who is now back on the other coast. She has trouble recognizing her cognitive decline and wants to think she is much more interested, engaged, and capable than she is and nothing I can say will change that perception. I had I marriage and 2 children and mom has never asked to be part of any shower for me and doesn’t even remember nephews finance who they met many times. But, if I don’t help her engage through the ipad, I know I will be accused of “preventing” her. Really, logging onto the ipad is no big deal, it’s just a chore because they’re not interested.
Funny you all bring up the ipad. But it’s the sister in town who wanted mom to have one. So I sent her mine. I was just asked to set it up for mom when I go up there. Sis screwed up something with signing on. Honestly my mom can barely manage a flip phone and tv remote. There is no way she can handle the ipad. This is the same sister who just tried to micro manage my visit up there, like I don’t know how to visit with my own mother. Sister is leaving town on vacation so I’m going up and she wanted to tell me what roads to drive on, and activities to do…lol. I kept saying stop micro managing, mom and I can figure out how to entertain ourselves. …but she wouldn’t be stopped. …
The recently widowed part may play more role than you realize. Her world has shrunk, too. Its an odd time and many widows do need those connections- often it’s concern about maintaining them for the kids, but that may slurp over onto her, too. Just saying.
Oh yes, I do think it’s her way of maintaining a connection, which I respect and would like to help. But, unfortunately technology is not going to help. Much better to spend the money on plane tickets to see them. But, I think I will focus more on trying to facetime with SIL when I am there (of course my ipad is good for that) as opposed to trying to get mom and dad interested in pictures. I have noticed though that the phone is better than video and voice. Too much going on.
The iPad has been a lifesaver for my Mom. She and my Dad were each gifted iPads the year before my father passed away (three years ago) and they while they both had continual tech problems, the benefits have outweighed the inconvenience. My father, for instance loved, loved to read but had macular degeneration and needed very large print books but he also had mobility issues so couldn’t get to his beloved library. With the tablet, he was able to read downloaded books and enlarge the font. My mother has eye and mobility issues now too so uses her iPad for that.
They also both got on FB and loved feeling that they were in touch with the outside world. BECAUSE their world had shrunk and because of the self obsession, we found that the iPad helped take their mind off themselves. My Mom plays words with friends with my daughter and several other people, she creeps on FB, she plays solitaire and can read her e-mails. This interaction has been very important after my father passed and her world shrank even more. When I download a book for her (I live two hours away so don’t see her often) she will read for a week, and not obsess so much on things that she cannot change. She’ll be 85 this year. We do get weekly calls about something that’s not working right, but generally turning it off and turning it on solves 80% of the problems.
I agree that technology can help or not, and that those not very involved with day-to-day care can help or not.
We have to take care of ourselves first, then our immediate families, then our loved ones and friends. We can’t feel guilty that “we’re the only one who cares for our parent” as if that means our needs and our immediate family’s needs go away.
If you tax yourself too much, you won’t be there to take care of others.
To be honest, using the iPad to play photos on a screensaver (I think they have an app for that) might be the most that an iPad should be used for. Keep it plugged in and showing photos.
We are looking to get my MIL a tablet because she already broke the laptop we gave her. Someone in their late 70s just doesn’t get electronic devices.
I gave an electronic photo display (or whatever they are called–picture frame? A relic of the 00’s!) to my dad and stepmother. They really loved it but of course they unplugged it so it wouldn’t waste electricity.
@oldmom, my in laws unplugged their digital frame to save electricity, too!
One of my sons was really pushing for a Kindle for my Mom because it has a HELP button. My parents also unplugged their digital photo frame, but they told us it was just unnerving to have the same photos cycle through day after day. They had a point. I find them fun for an hour or so.
My mom wants an iPhone but doesn’t realize how incapable she is of operating a device like that. She can’t remember how to turn our cordless landline phone on and off.
I appreciate the comment above about taking care of ourselves first, then immediate family, then parents, etc. I’ve put mom ahead of us all since she moved in and have slowly eased her to second behind my son, but I feel guilty all the time.
My mother wanted a laptop and immediately chose a 20 character use name and equally frustrating password, which she immediately forgot. Needless to say, she has never used it. It’s all she could do to use the prepaid phone and half the time she couldn’t find the charger cord. Now has a landline. Otoh, she is a wiz with the tv, knows how to record shows, etc.
When it hits guilt level is when counseling is so helpful. (Ideally, before, yes.) We can sometimes have fun with them, we can still sometimes learn from them, they can sometimes still help us be grounded and touch us in ways only close family can. But that doesn’t mean we can solve everything. We have to learn what the balance is, even when we are with them.
[quote=esobay]
I am in the same “small town” boat. there is no geriatric doctor, nor pallative care nor elder case manager. I sometimes think people would be better off with the vet in town over the Dr.s at the hospital.
[quote]
That is so true! People are nice and friendly in small towns, but the medical infrastructure is at best challenging.
Mom has been a voracious reader all her life. Her vision is now deteriorated to the point that she can only read large print, and that with some difficulty. I’ve tried to talk her into a nook, not the whizbang movies-email-games kind, just the simple device that is only an e-reader. I’ve showed her with mine how she could change the font size to anything she wants, but she won’t have it. I’m not giving up. If her leg ever clears up to the point that we can visit B&N, I’m going to have her play with the floor model for a while to see if she could possibly get comfortable with it. Reading is her only daily pleasure now.
My father and stepmother lived in a suburb of NYC. Their doctors were affiliated with a world-class hospital network and they were great. And if we didn’t like someone, there was always an alternative.
Alas, the nearest hospital to their house was where they were taken when someone called 911. Small-town hospital with exceedingly small-town doctors, with no way to access the world-class hospital network, and that’s where my dad died.
I really hope that by the time I am really old (knock wood I am privileged to get there!), universally accessible electronic records are in place.
The hospital thing is frustrating. I’m in the hospital biz. I have tons of hospital clients. The one nearest to my mom is a horror show. I can walk into an er and just about tell you their infection rate. The care she received there has been so substandard I contacted the ceo. They just made the consumer reports list of top worst hospitals in the country. Family is starting to believe me. However it’s a stones throw from where mom lives. Anytime there is an issue that’s where she’s sent.