LasMa, Dad is nearly blind and was a reader. Now he gets books on tape. Every local library seems to have a program for the blind that will ship books out weekly with free postage to mail them back. He listens with earphones so doesn’t bother anyone. And my brother never had a TV, but Dad grew up listening to ball games on the radio, so that is still a big pleasure. Niece helps Dad load them up in his little CD player, but he can do most of it by feel. The library periodically asks for reviews then sends him more like that. Plus my bro (Dad lives with bro) stops at the library for new stuff all the time.
Yesterday, identity (credit card applications, hopefully nipped in the bud) theft. Today a mix-up at the State IRS … they cashed the 5 figure check, but I don’t know where it went since they sent me a bill today (nice that it was less than I already paid, except for the interest). GAHHHHHHHH And an hour care-giver conference to jack up the AL place. Bro at least got on the conference call so he got to hear my concerns (and wasted a full hour out of his day). blah blah blah it continues…
Hang in there families! Hugs and support radiating!
Read this article in the Washington Post today - somewhere between heartwarming and touching, and terrifying. I cannot imagine doing anything close to this - as far as the way she cared for her father - both at home and while in the nursing home. Is this the new guilt trip? The new standard we need to live up to?
On Monday my mom went to the nurses station asking when she’d be released, she wanted to go back to her apartment. Yesterday she said she can’t go back to her apartment she can’t take care of herself. Since she lives in the same building she goes to the residents dining hall for lunch and dinner and goes out for hours each day, sometimes just sitting on the patio, but she goes out shopping, to the movies and out to eat. That doesn’t sound like a patient who needs to be in rehab.
However, her roommate got some rash and yesterday they quarantined the two of them in their room. Roommate being brought somewhere this morning.
My family thinks it’s her choice, I know there are medicare guidelines.
@rockvillemom, good for her and her dad, not for me. Reading it, all I could think was that this woman is way to one side on the saint-vs-sinner spectrum, but also way to one side of several other spectrums as well.
I went into helping my dad with a very complicated history with him. That didn’t go away just because he needed my help! We do the best we can, and whatever we can, it’s a lot better than running away before we even try.
I couldn’t do what that woman did in the article. My mother has been in a nursing home for 8 years, and I would’ve gone off the deep end by now if I had to care for her at home. I’d probably also be divorced. Monitoring her care at the nursing home is enough of a stress for me. What that woman got wrong is that she’d be destitute and homeless. My mother is on Medicaid now, and I’ve never been responsible for her expenses.
The NYT woman lived in a house partly owned by her father. If the father was expected to use his equity in his house to pay for his medical care before he got Medicaid (as he should be- why should I pay for Medicaid for a guy who has a valuable house he can sell?) she would be out of luck.
Oh, WaPo. Agree, this woman’s choices seem to be more than just a nice attempt to help out were she can. Isn’t she still living in the same home she grew up in? No mention of her own family or life. She’s also wrong about losing the home, when a child can show she was living in it for some time. And the issue of Medicaid taking her own life savings.
From what I was told when helping an Aunt in NY state, if the house is in joint ownership and the other person lives in the home, that person could live their until they died or moved. It is at that point that Medicaid would place claim on any amount that would cover reimbursement for my Aunt. (This was a couple of years ago, don’t know if the rules have changed).
I have been thinking a lot about my in laws situation this week, they live in their home with a full time caregiver, though FIL will not agree to hire someone on the caregivers day off & they really do need someone.
FIL seems to feel strongly that he is dying, soon (mid 90s) and that makes me think about MIL, she has been disabled for 30 years & now is nearly bed bound, transfers are rough, but doable, and yet other than that, she just keeps going seemingly healthy.
I think if he actually dies (all his assumptions and planning for the last 30 years has been assuming she would die!) first, we would probably move her to our state as she really has no friends in their home location, she is disabled and their friends are only in touch because of him. She has always been fearful of being put in a home. I am thinking maybe we rent her a small place nearby us and hire a full time caregiver. Has anyone done anything like that? Had a fairly disabled person living alone with a caregiver? MIL is mentally somewhere there, but would not have any executive function & has serious stroke damage.
My friend’s mom did what was done in the article THREE times. Put her husband into and took him out of a nursing home (three different ones) three times. She has him at home now, but does not want to pay for 24/7 care, and leaves him alone at whim.
One day she left him home alone for hours and a relative called him and he was more “off” than usual. He hadn’t fed himself for six hours and was incoherent. He has not been diagnosed with dementia but is on a high dose of painkillers so is in a fog almost all the time (except when he was hospitalized and they ramped down his pain medication to a reasonable level).
Back to me - I have told my father again and again that he should move assets to us as he will get no coverage if he has to go into long-term care. Is it reasonable to move the home into one of the kids’ names so it won’t be taken if he goes into a home? How does one figure out what to do? I think he feels he would be “giving up” if he starts moving money to us, yet he did do that when my mom passed.
We would want him to move in with one of us, but all kids work and have working spouses. Trouble is, my father went on leave from his job, which ended up being early retirement (not really early though), to take care of my mom, who was completely bedridden for months. Everything you would need to do for a newborn, feed, change diapers, take care of diaper rash (just like in the article).
So how could we “say no” if he got ill and needed long-term care? Then again, my aunt helped him with that quite frequently and she is no longer around.
MIL is mid 80s, she kind of dislikes FIL these days so I am not sure she would fade away!
rhandco- talking about putting assets into kids names was a popular thing in the 80s & 90s, but the last few decades it seems to get a pretty harsh reaction. I can totally understand the thought, as I think of MIL, 90% of their income will be gone with FILs death (like I said, he did all his planning that she would die first, even in the last 5+ years when suggested otherwise & he is blowing through money like crazy now!), I will be sad if her care uses up the entire value of their estate. I don’t mean that I think all ya’ll should pay for my family, just that I would be sad if that is the way things work out.
For anything like that, moving assets around, I believe there is a 5 year look back. I am honestly not sure how that works, if the person turns over their banking records and has to have proof for each thing spent or if it is only gifts? Regarding gifts, what about normal birthday and Christmas gifts or is it only larger significant gifts?
If your father is likely to need long term care, he should definitely keep assets in his name so he can pay for the best care available. If he still runs out, the taxpayers will take over, but it is his responsibility first. If he becomes incompetent one (or more) of the kids can get power of attorney, but the assets in his name, including the house, should remain available to pay for his care.
As to whether you care for him yourself, that’s a very personal decision. I don’t have the caregiver gene. Not that I couldn’t learn how to do the work, but it doesn’t come naturally and I would resent having to do it. In many cases it is better to pay for caregivers to do the nursing/hygiene work, so that the family can be family.
@eyemamom , I thought the criteria for rehab is that they are receiving treatment that improves their condition and their ability to care for themselves. If she is getting rehab and improving, however slowly, medicare usually pays, although after a while the amount may depend on her specific insurance.
rhandco - there’s a 5 year look back when you apply for Medicaid. When I did my mother’s application, I had to provide copies of all bank records, investments, etc. If there was a check written for a large amount that they questioned, I had to provide additional documentation. If your father moves assets now, but needs Medicaid within 5 years, that transfer of assets will be questioned. I’m not sure if you’d have to reimburse or if they’d delay eligibility of Medicaid.
I’m with Fang on this. Medicaid exists to help the destitute. Playing tricks with the money so that the elder looks destitute is not what was intended. People save all their lives for their golden years, and then when the money is needed for golden-year expenses, they (or their heirs) want the taxpayers to pick up the tab.
My mom has been pretty upset about the money being spent on her care. She says she always wanted her daughters to get it. I’d rather it go to her than ever get a penny. We are very fortunate that the woman who runs the AFH will keep mom in the same room in the same house even if her money runs out and she has to go on Medicaid.
It’s very hard these days to do any real asset transfer.
I’m hoping that elder care doesn’t turn into the next war. I was dismayed by one of the comments to the WAPO article where the person said that caring for the Altzheimer’s stricken parent, in home, for the remainder of the parent’s.life wasn’t hard at all because they loved her so much. Well, I love my mom and I am beginning to know my limits. My husband’s aunt had it and they had to have her in skilled nursing. Same with his grandmothers. And they loved them all beyond anything imaginable.
My parent’s chose a CCRC so we would not be in a position where the kids were providing care and I’m grateful.
rhandco - Every state is different as to the transfer of assets. The easiest way to transfer assets is through gifting. But, gifts over a certain amount, now$14,000/person is subject to tax. But, if any gifting occurs within 5 years of application, the gifts will need to be returned. I thought about this, and would put the money in a separate account in case they needed it or it needed to be returned, but my brother was morally opposed, which I respect. It is probably what people do, but that doesn’t mean it’s right.
I do believe a 14k gift would be considered excessive for an elder already in decline. Ordinary gegenerosity is different than obviously trying to hide assets. So a reasonable birthday check could be ok. Defensible. But an obvious transfer of assets, no.
I think the state role is in collecting the money back.