Pitfalls for Proxies
There are three common traps that the proxy decision-maker should be aware of in trying to guide health care at the end of someone else’s life.
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/11/18/pitfalls-for-proxies/
There’s a video in the article that’s worth watching.
What an emotionally hard few weeks, somemom. I can understand not wanting to give up home and independence, it is so hard to understand refusal to do so in the face of overwhelming evidence that it can’t be maintained. That’s what adults are supposed to do, deal with the world as it is instead of how we wish it were. When our elders lose the ability to do that (assuming they had it in the first place) it’s frustrating. I feel like I’m fighting battles that shouldn’t have to be fought.
You got the first step done moving him to IL, hope the move to AL isn’t to bad. At least you’ll know your doing the best for him that can be done, given his unwillingness to face reality.
@somemom – so much you’ve gone through – I hope this next week brings some relief.
I did get my dander up at the “no walkers in the buffet line” concept. I do not believe that is even legal. They might need to provide an aide to walk with him and fill his tray at his direction, but I see no reason why he should be prohibited from seeing what is on offer simply because he needs a walker.
Have any of you had medicare come visit your parents? My mom called because someone called from medicare this morning and said they were coming today.
We called her front desk to stop them from going up and get a card and if it’s legit we’ll schedule a time when someone can be there with her.
I get surprise visits from medicare at my business but I never heard of them doing surprise patient visits.
Could this be for some ‘home health benefit?’ It does seem odd that there was such short notice.
On my side, my mother had a helper trying to help unpack after her move. But they hit a fail point when my mother pulled her usual last minute cancellation a few times. She’s been navigating past the boxes, since.
Now, she finally called a real professional organizer. This woman came with an assistant, cleared the whole living room in about 3 hours, trashed trash, unpacked obvious boxes (eg, kitchen and bath things, more clothes,) got books into the bookcases, moved some “later” boxes to the 2nd bedroom, etc My mother is thrilled. It helped motivate her that an old friend will be in the area next week and come visit.
My stepmother had aides via an agency. The agency sent a visiting nurse every month or so.
Rehab update. It’s fun! The people are nice! He changed back to 5 days a week.
I got a call from the admissions person (it’s a lot like getting a kid into college) and FIL told the nurse who interviewed him for AL that he wanted ALL the services they could offer, which means level 3 care and another $1000 monthly. We told him about it and he said no way, he wants level 1. Hopefully he remembers that when he moves!
We made it through this week’s magic Medicare cut off deadline, so that’s good. We will continue to attend all her PT, but dang, it’s not easy. They are a really nice place and really nice people, and yet, I called day one to tell them we wanted to come to all her sessions, they told us 10AM. The next day we called to check at 9:30 and she was almost done, they said they thought we were coming one day only. We attended the next day, no problem. The fourth day we came and they were not taking her that day so that means we get to add a Saturday session.
I know they are running things the way that works for them, but man oh man, it sure is not easy.
Eyeamom, I’ve not heard of Medicare sending folks out but I have heard of UHC, BCBS, Humana…sending folks out, especially if there is a Medicare Advantage plan.
To update, mom is getting a nurse sent out every day to her paid for by medicare. I have no idea how that was arranged. Mom is giddy with excitement, to her the attention by someone who has to listen to her complaints is invaluable. Plus for her it’s free. It’s very strange to me dealing with someone who prefers people care for her rather than do for herself.
My sister spoke to the doctor on staff and they discussed her difficulty adjusting. She mentioned mom wanted to live with one of us. He assured us mom was way better off where she was and she was too much for one person.
Hi. How much of a bonus do you give 24/7 caregivers at Christmas? Thx
@busyparent, I am curious about that, too since this is the first year for private caregivers for me. But for the AL place caregivers, I get a tower of nuts/fruits from Harry and David or Costco , they can’t accept tips.
eyemamom, I don’t get how medicare spends so much for some stuff and so little for other stuff. I had to fight to get Mom’s broken arm ortho Dr. paid by medicare, but they would buy her a go-cart chair no questions asked.
Glad you and sis got “professional” confirmation that you can’t take care of your Mom on your owns.
@somemon, I am constantly astonished how messages get garbled. Example, the private care giver could not come to get Mom to breakfast one day. She let the AL people know. And then the manager told me Mom needed another level of care to get taken to breakfast…somehow she got the message it would be always and not just ONE day. I live by constant vigilance and prefer stuff in writing. gak.
My parents had occasional visits from the long-term insurance company that was sending a fat check every month. My fear was always that they’d rally, as they often can for the duration of a short visit, or give incorrect information about what they could and couldn’t do.
I always made arrangements for someone from the AL to be present, the AL manager or someone like that. So when Dad would say, “Oh yes, I can shower by myself” there would be someone there to say "No, actually he can’t. " And I was always there myself.
Force-Feeding: Cruel at Guantánamo, but O.K. for Our Parents
Tube feeding has become commonplace, especially for patients with dementia, but it causes them pain and provides no benefits.
Thank you, oldmom. Important info to have.
We visited a local board & care home and are having them evaluate MIL, it might be cheaper and more importantly, it might be less institutional and more homey feeling.
Estate sale begins soon!
Somemom, my dad’s wife moved through three AL places plus went home with a full time care giving family (ripped her off) and wound up in a board and care facility. She actually seemed happiest there; more homey and less busy. She was something of a hermit so that was good for her, less institutional was the key.
Good luck with the estate sale! Do you have an exit plan for the left overs? we overwhelmed Mom’s town’s local mission/goodwill/ and donation places with the leftovers. But it got gone! whew. Now, 2 years later I am still grateful to the lady who ran it and not very sad that everything was gone (except the stuff we got family to take). I wish I’d kept a few more knick knacks that were small, but I took enough really.
Still looking for caregiver end-of-year bonus ideas. Yes, I think cash, mine is a fairly young woman who is getting her first house/mortgage, so I think she will appreciate $$ most. I just haven’t much of a clue for how much is too stingy. I tend to be very cheep with Mom’s money, but this girl goes above and beyond.
@esobay, in Brooklyn the standard nanny bonus is a week’s pay. Of course it’s not the same, but maybe it is!
http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/money/money-etiquette/holiday-tipping-giving-checklist
“Home health employees/private nurse: A modest gift that shows your appreciation. Cash is not a good option. Be sure to check with the agency first, as some prohibit gifts.”
If they allow a cash gift, I don’t think a whole week is expected. Most care givers are getting far less than what you pay the agency. $50 or $100 would probably be a nice surprise.
To me, $50 for a holiday bonus sounds stingy. I would say that $100-$200 would be more appropriate. And I don’t understand why cash is not a good option for a holiday bonus from employer to employee; to me, it’s an excellent option.