MomofJandL- definitely avail yourself of the services offered by the personnel at the AL; seniors will accept the same info from the AL staff that they argue with you!
FIL has been having a very rough transition, two weeks independent, two weeks assisted, he forgets everything! Then he gets angry and thinks we are not telling him enough, thinks people are lying, etc.
AL has added him to the physical therapy roster and are going to document that he should not drive, ever again 
Ah, the old “my neighbor helps me with that” story. We had to tell the rehab case manager that half of what she heard from FIL was not correct - no neighbor has ever driven him anywhere. His neighbors have been helpful, but they are not 24 hour duty nurses.
In fact MIL has helped out neighbors in the past, but her neighbors cannot be expected to monitor the health of a 91-year-old woman who is beginning to show signs of dementia.
This is seriously flashbacks from my mother’s life. At 91 she also lived alone and the very nice 80’s neighbor lady (retired nurse) did drive her to doctors appointments. I think that when my father was alive he used to help her now deceased husband when he was not doing well. Must be very common. When the ambulance came for my mother I called the neighbor and asked her to not go with her and not visit the first few days- so that the medical staff /spcial worker did not expect her to take her home. That is when she went into assisted living. This is when I called ‘the other shoe dropped’ in how I got her into assisted living. She has dementia.
New topic/old topic. It has to be common- my mom in PA, my FIL in TX, my friends mom in OK, my friends dad in UT, all have the same thing in common. Hoarding in old age of objects they collected or inherited and their kids having to deal with it. All parents in their late 80’s and early 90’s. All dementia to some mild degree. Weird that I know no one who did not go through taking care of their parent’s stuff. Years of begging their parents to let them help get rid of it to no avail. Also these parents shared very little info financial and it makes a hard call of what to do, bills to pay, etc. My mother used to claim it was ‘depression’ era but I have my doubts. I really do not understand this. Is it paranoia? selfishness? Lack of insight into terminally of life? Honestly makes me mad. That is probably good. Message to self- be nice to your kids.
Same story from a friend tonight. Dad in rehab, post stroke (and too soon to know what comes next,) mom a challenging sort, a house full of “treasures.” She’s meeting with sibs there, this break, to get her mom ready to move to IL, taking one of her own kids to help. Two local nieces will also pitch in.
She commented that the grandkids are sometimes less mired in the emotional challenges of dealing with our parents. Interesting thought. All along, I’ve had the idea we should spare our kids from having to get involved with their grandparents’ “stuff.” Tonight I realized that the times mine helped clear my mother’s junk, they were far less affected by the tasks. While I might (and do) privately scream, they just roll their eyes or even laugh over some of the absurdity. Then they go out to dinner or meet friends and it’s not weighing on them the way it “follows” us.
I think some of it is depression era, but some is their long push for “success” (of whatever nature) and what trappings they think identify that, to themselves and others. And sometimes, they seem to think holding on to things is “generous.” Eg, my mother has linens galore, sets and sets, thinks when my brother’s divorce comes through, he and his teen kids will live in an empty place, will be delighted to have peach sheets and comforters, peach towels and bath mats, save a few hundred dollars. So she can’t let go of them. Meanwhile, some nice charity could use them.
So true about grandkids pitching in. It is often a relationship with less baggage on both sides. I also think it is a gift to have older kids feel that they have a way to help the family and gain comfort dealing with some of the variables of old age. I encourage that, as it is good to be an adult who “gets it”. I have sibs who don’t and it is sad to see the ignorance.
The stuff…seems more common than not that this is a big issue. Depression era folks who over value everything they could accumulate against an anti-clutter and knick knack world where the “priceless” and sentimental things are not appreciated or practical. My kids would rather have 2 towels that aren’t peach than a complete set that are. Much angst in that process.
Does anyone else have elderly family members who have engaged in shady financial transactions? Several years ago, my FIL took a lot of money out of a very safe investment (stock in his former employer’s company) and used it to purchase variable annuities, which are considered inappropriate for people of his age. He also purchased a life insurance policy on his wife; the premiums eat up $30,000 per year. And he has done and said some things that suggest that if he applies for Medicaid, he’ll attempt to hide or lie about his assets. It is frightening to contemplate.
The"stuff" they are holding onto - My SIL came up with a solution for some of it. She declares that her daughter could really use it, and takes it to her daughters house, but actually takes it to the dump. FIL hasn’t been to the granddaughter’s house for years, so he never knows, and the granddaughter knows to agree that whatever he remembers he gave her is still in use at her house.
The “I grew up during the depression” excuse fails the statute of limitations test for me. At some point you have to grow up and accept responsibility and agency for your own actions, instead of blaming the economic conditions during your childhood. So far my thinking this way hasn’t kept my in-laws from holding onto piles of useless stuff.
My dream is that one day my kids will be cleaning out my house, and say “I wish Mom had kept more stuff, there’s almost nothing here to pack up.”
Plenty of people of all ages get suckered into buying variable annuities and expensive life insurance policies and all manner of inappropriate investments. The old saying “a fool and his money are soon parted” didn’t get to be an old saying for nothing. It can be like watching a car crash in slow motion - you know they are making bad decisions, but you have no more control over their investments than they have over yours. Old people become targets because they are the ones with a lifetime of savings to target. As long as their financial mistakes don’t leave you on the hook for the cost of their final years, there is not much you can do. At least telling someone “That is a stupid financial decision you are about to make, and the person you think is your friend selling you this investment is in fact playing you for a fool” does not sound like the kind of thing a parent wants to hear from a child or in-law.
@MomofJandL, it’s a possibility that H and his siblings will be on the hook for some end-of-life care, which will be very painful, given how much money FIL had before he made these investments.
I got up close and personal yesterday with my parents STUFF. Yesterday we moved my Mom from her home in one state two hours from us, to my sister’s house where she had carved out a small apartment on the first level of her by-level house. It seemed that every item had a story, but a lot of them were, “we got that at a yard sale”! As long as she heard they were going to a second hand store, it wasn’t hard to get rid of the items but we ended up packing things that I know that will now be discarded at my sister’s place.
Mom also seemed kind of disconnected with the whole thing. When it was time to leave, she was not the one to notice that all of her coats, her iPad that she uses constantly, or her oft used winter booties were still in the family room. Nor did she seem concerned with keeping things that she had previously deemed important in a specific place - they’re in one of the many boxes. Somewhere. I thought that once we moved her, I would feel relieved, but instead, I found myself awake in the wee hours of the morning churning over the thought of her and my sister dealing with the boxes and how we’re going to get rid of the left-overs in the house. Christmas and winter looming doesn’t help.
Rose red, mom loved shady deals and had a shady handy man helping her. Most of the contents of the houses, sold, went to pay taxes she had neglected.
Walking home. Sounds like you got through it as best you could. It is a long long process both physically and mentally. Send your sister flowers is my only advice.
Today I am really glad mom is in Al, they had 12 or so inches of snow and although her private caregiver couldn’t get out of her drive, there were people on hand to make sure Mom was fed and watered.
Long distance transport for the fragile elderly?
I remember someone posting a year or two ago about trying to get Mom from one state to another. We just put FIL in Assisted Living and MIL in a board & care; I am going to monitor the situation as closely as I can, but after nearly 6 weeks here, I will be heading home soon (I’ll be home for Christmas playing in the store made me almost cry!) and I just suspect that her church friends will not come by all that often and am wondering about the reality of FIL visiting. I am feeling guilty, like she is being dumped, and yet what can I do, they are married people who deserve the chance to be near each other, but at 96 he is struggling with his own ADLs, running out of energy to deal with hers! If he dies first, I will bring her to my location, some how.
I want to do a bit of research into the how. Maybe I can get a direct flight, about 2.5-3 hours, but with pre flight travel time and post flight travel time that is a long day for an incontinent wheelchair bound nearly 90 year old person. But thinking about driving her sounds like a night mare.
Are their medical transport set ups for planes?
I would love to hear the dos and don’t from those who have done it. Google says 1300 miles and 20 hours of actual drive time, plus stops for gas, food, stretching, sleeping, it is easily a long two day drive.
@somemom, after my dad died, my stepbrother took his mother from NY to Colorado via airplane. She was 93 and pretty delusional. Fortunately she recognized her son but thought he was her brother. They sat in first class and her caregiver went to the airport with them and was with them until they boarded. About halfway there, my stepmother wanted to leave the plane, but too late for that! They were met at the airport by his wife and she was transported directly to the memory-care unit where they had found a bed.
A long car trip with an overnight sounds like a total nightmare. No matter how bad the flight, it will end soon enough.
You have carried quite a burden. Six weeks! Oy! After I had my father and stepmother in my small apartment (had to ask my high school junior daughter to stay with a friend) for almost 2 weeks after Hurricane Sandy, Afterwards, when they finally went home, I was a wreck–for several weeks I just couldn’t relax. That’s when I finally found a therapist! I hope you can relax for a very Merry Christmas!
I would also do the direct flight over the drive, hiring a caregiver or bringing another family member with you if an extra pair of hands in flight is needed. With a phone call ahead to the airlines, they will have a wheelchair and attendant available to transport her directly through all lines (check in, TSA), as well as onto the plane with a smaller wheelchair if she needs it. She won’t have to wait in the lines and in my experience, the attendants know how to expedite everything. First class, business class or “even more leg room” may be a worthwhile option or consider flying on off times (if they exist for the route), when the plane might not be as packed. A little wiggle room is a good thing. Some version of overnight style diapers may work with extra layering. Elder care providers will have lots of tips. The wheelchair will meet her on the other side and in my experience, it goes very smoothly as a rule. Nice because her traveling companion can just focus on her, not navigating the airports.
Fingers crossed for you, somemom. I wish you some rest at the holidays. What a demanding time.
My stepmother’s son tried to talk her caretaker into accompanying them (or going alone I think would have been his first choice) but the caretaker wouldn’t do it.
@somemom, I too am interested in the responses.
Just for the record, for anyone else, my mother took the train (sleeper car) from LA to the east coast and was fine with it. But no mental challenges. At the time, she said there would have been a discount for a second passenger. She took the train from here to Tucson, enjoyed it less, but had support throughout, as a disabled passenger. I do suspect you might have trouble. But it may work for some.
If it were me…
I would fly out to my loved one, then take a train back with them. I do know from taking long (more than 12 hour) train rides, if there are disabled people staying by themselves, no matter the disability, it is quite a burden for the train staff. Even one person in a party with a wheelchair, the rest able-bodied, and it becomes a hassle for the train.
But the incontinent part points towards a train and one with a separate bathroom.
There are safety issues with a train and a plane. There are also personal safety issues unless you have someone 100% accompanied.
If this would truly be a “one and done” no more traveling afterwards, it is worth it to put one’s self out to make sure all is okay IMHO.
The alternative is let them stay put and put them in AL where they live. If someone is very impaired, it’s like having a newborn, it doesn’t matter who cares for them as long as they get decent care. If someone is only somewhat impaired, that’s when it becomes more difficult. Or when money is a significant issue.
I have to say, talking with my dad about my SIL’s parents and how they moved near her, he has NO idea what options are out there (or he is confused). First he said they are in AL and have care 24/7. Then he said “the care workers stop by the apartment” which points towards independent senior living. I think he has a lot of misconceptions about what options there are and what he might end up with. And that’s a reason for him to hang on to his status quo living in a huge house with no one there.
I know they don’t live in my SIL’s house, even though it is huge, mainly because it has many stairs.
Someone with dementia may be more likely to have difficulties on a train, the sounds and movement, the longer period of unfamiliarity with the surroundings, and more. It’s not much different than sundowning on a long car ride. The advantage to flying is the shorter time period. The con is the rigmarole with TSA and early arrival. Etc.
I can find out, but believe my mother paid a surcharge for the attention from train staff. You aren’t interrupting a ticket-taker from his routines.