@eyemamom, when my dad was in his last illness (a massive stroke, from which he made a slight recovery but then went downhill rapidly), there were many decisions to be made and lots of ups and downs. He received very good care and I don’t think his death could have or should have been prevented, but while we (my siblings and mom and I) were in the midst of it, it was very stressful because we did have to make these decisions. I think we were all pumped up on adrenaline. And then when my dad died, even though it was a “good” death and came not a moment too soon, the irrevocability of it was shocking (to me, who had never seen someone die and never had a really close relative die) and also, we didn’t have anything to do. What to do with all that adrenaline? It was difficult but things got better pretty quickly.
@eyemamom, I know you’re really hurting about the loss of your mom. I’m sure your sister is too, and I hope that before long you can be a comfort to each other.
We can choose our friends, can’t choose our relatives, but you can choose to protect yourself the best one can. My bi-polar sister has decided in 2015 that she didn’t want to see me in June nor Dec (and sent me a nasty email - like why would I show up where I am not wanted??) when I was in her area (she cannot articulate why she has cut me out, she also has been extremely cold to our older sis who lives closer)…but she is fb friends with my DDs, and she had my DDs at her place a few days over Christmas visit along with her DD and visit with two other cousins…H and I were excluded from a ‘family dinner’ - which DDs were not to stay for, but then one DD either got food poisoning from eating out or had a stomach flu…DDs see the benefits w/o the dysfunction at this point because my sister is uber nice to them. My niece has two difficult parents (the only child of this sister who is remarried and the H just goes with the flow as best he can; niece’s dad is not re-married) so I sympathize with my niece’s situation - and she knows that I did nothing to deserve how my sister is treating me now.
H talks a lot with his dad and mom, which is great. In the past, it was always me calling and putting H on the phone. Now H walks during lunch and often calls them.
I wonder how well BIL’s GF is doing - she is stage IV pancreatic cancer (and still smoking) - her last fb post sounded like she either got bad news or is feeling bad on consecutive days (when we were there she would have a good day, and the next would be fatigue). I think she had a chance to beat it w/o continuing to put those carcinogens in her system. This BIL also lives the closest to the parents that are deteriorating more and more. This gal’s cancer was caught fairly early, she had a big surgery, then chemo and radiation.
Just had an unexpected death from a marathon runner friend who had stage IV lung cancer; seemed to be doing well but then a crisis and quick death. A tiny tumor to her brain was eliminated with radiation.
I know everyone is muddling through as best as we can…
Thinking of you, eyemamom. I hope things ease with your sister. Take care of yourself.
My running/walking group started up again a couple of weeks ago. Some of us go for coffee after; this week one of the new members came along. She is a geriatrician. She said only 4% go into that specialty. It will be interesting to talk to her in coming weeks - a number of us are dealing with aging parents.
We’re all just letting her have her tizzy. She will be the one hit hardest as she was the one right there in the trenches. It made me want to call my mom to tell her about it…so it begins, Im extremely well aware she passed and in the next second I want to talk to her. Actually I can’t say I’m well aware, Im still in denial.
I know I have to graduate from this thread. I thought I had more time. 
I’ll share with you what I told my husband. …have no regrets. Talk to your mom, know your boundaries, but be right with your relationships. I was never perfect but I know I did the best I could and we were never unaware that we loved each other.
Phew! I just took my mom to the doctor for a check up yesterday. She’s managed to put if off for around two years. I hadn’t met him before but my BIL had (took mom last time) and had raved about him. I agonized over finding her a new doc closer to us or taking her to this one, about an hour away. Well, this guy was truly wonderful. Everything you could ask for in a doc for a 79 year old, feisty, doctor-hating, woman. He was kind, warm, funny, listened, treated her with respect, ah, I wish I could go to him. (Not taking new patients and how old do you have to be to see a geriatric internist anyway?) So, it went well, and now I’ll be able to renew her scripts for another year without wondering when he will insist on a visit. He talked with her 20-30 minutes. She would answer the questions and he would glance over to see if I nodded in agreement to the answers. I was surprised when he asked if my siblings are involved with mom’s care. I just sort of looked at him and he said, ah, gotcha. I had knots in my stomach in anticipation of this appointment so am very relieved at how it went. (Those who are new- mom lives with me, has dementia, and generally makes a scene when we are in public…)
@eyemamom, you don’t have to graduate from this thread any more than regular cc posters “graduate” from posting here once their kids get into college or graduate from college! (((((hugs!)))))! I think it’s always a shock to the system to lose a parent, or an inlaw for that matter, no matter what the nature of the relationship.
eyemamom, first off, my condolences and hugs to you.
second, you do not need to graduate from this thread. lurk if you must, but be here to offer some perspective to the new posters and to glean some perspective from the other side of that stress.
my mom passed nearly 5 years ago at 79 from lung cancer, dad is 86 in good health and has self restricted driving to short distance errands in daytime only, so, knock wood, I am not dealing with the issues. but I lurk because I learn so much here both in anticipation and to offer support to my friends whose loved ones are on this slippery slope.
If a doc is not taking new patients, he/she may be willing to take a family member of a current patient - it doesn’t hurt anything to ask him/her. Be sure to get question/answer directly to/from doc - sometimes aggressive screening from the front office/office administrator. For example, when my kids graduated from pediatrics, our FP MD accepted them even though his practice is closed to new patients. I try to keep my docs loving our family as well, bringing WI goods back to AL as gifts - cheese, cheese curds, Brandy, etc.
Eyemamom, there are a number of posters who’ve already lost parents. It’s not just that they support others, a number here will be able to understand what you’re going through and offer supportive words to you.
The ones we love, we can always hold in our hearts. And as far as I’m concerned, it’s fine to “talk” to them, too.
Soon after my dad died, that “thing” happened to me: I would see men and think they were him. To this day, when my dad appears in a dream, I wake up happy.
New rule from CMS re Medicaid coverage of home health services: http://salsa4.salsalabs.com/o/50849/t/0/blastContent.jsp?email_blast_KEY=1296529
This is good news. We battled for almost 18 mos. to have the cost of home health care aides provided to my mother in her home rather than place her in a nursing home. We won every ruling but they kept stalling and falling under a 45 day rule to implement and just when we were expecting coverage, there would be another hurdle to get over and another 45 days they had to comply. My son is her conservator and I could not have gone through all of this without his knowledge and persistence. The paperwork, court dates and hearings, evaluations, etc. where a nightmare. This is a no brainer as far as we were concerned. Mom stays in her home, has 1 on 1 care and the cost is less than half of what a nursing home would cost.
I totally agree about more support care in homes versus the alternative nursing home care which is costly overkill in some situations. It always is the front runners who have to fight, fight, fight to change things.
Our problem is that MIL/FIL were willing to accept some home care under a community grant, but then when they had to pay an hourly charge (which they could afford) they stopped the service. They have phased into meals on wheels 5 days a week. If we didn’t have their terrific next door neighbor, we would have to be more forceful in stepped up care. H needs to talk to his parents about paying the neighbor because it is absolutely worth paying.
I asked another brother if the mom dies first (she is the capable one - dad needs assistance with showering and is not capable of living on his own) and he said then dad would go into nursing home. If and when the time comes, we will offer dad an alternative, but he may choose to remain in home town, with friends and some family there.
It is so good to have options available. Both, my mother and my aunt should have had aides long before they did. They were both so adamant and fiercely independent. We tried for several month to have help come into my aunt’s home and she was brutal to them, verbally abusive and locked a few out of the house. A couple of agencies refused to work with her. My mom’s dementia was so bad and her diabetes out of control that we had to go through the court to have a conservator assigned. It was the most difficult and heartbreaking thing that I think I ever had to do.
Hugs to all of us who worry and care for our parents.
Anyone had any experience with bed sores?
MIL has a sore on her heel on her bad leg, it’s a vascular ulcer, horrible circulation, likely won’t ever heal, even with a wound vac.
She shattered that ankle 5-10 years ago, nearly lost the foot then as it would not heal, as I recall she had vascular surgery then, now the foot is horribly deformed.
The home visit nurse checks it weekly, they want to prevent it from spreading and from infection.
MIL broke her hip a few months ago, now the leg is in a new slightly twisted position, such that her foot and calf bear weight in new places. MIL has poor circulation and if they move the pillows, to have another spot resting on the surface, then a new sore wants to start there.
Anyone else had experiences like this? Anything else we should be considering?
I have no personal experience but have read that sometimes hyperbaric treatment CAN be useful for healing sores that are difficult to treat elsewhere, if such treatment may be available for her situation.
Here’s a NIH article on the subject. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3495382/
@somemom there are ‘wound clinics’ now, and as said there are docs that specifically work with vascular issues. Is her Family Practitioner aware of these issues? Call your doc’s nursing staff and they perhaps can direct you to some resources to assist with better wound healing.
It may be that if the wound is ‘stable’ and the visiting nurse is not seeing signs of progression - from "bacteria are present on the wound surface (contaminated). A steady state of replicating organisms are attaching to the wound tissue and multiplying, but they aren’t associated with tissue damage or delayed healing (colonization). The next step is “critically colonized” and the next level is “infected”.
Merck Infectious Diseases has directed information to “practice principles, understanding diabetic foot ulcers and diagnosing foot infections”.
“Diabetes is the single most common underlying cause of lower-extremity amputation in the US”.
BIL/SIL are extremely obese and have use a wound clinic due to injuries to their legs that don’t heal well. SIL’s mother ruined her leg circulation with long term smoking effects on her vascular system - she came very close a number of times to face amputation.
As people are living longer, and our population is getting more obese, the vascular/healing issues come into play.
Good luck on getting some help and making progress on this.
Well, took dad to geriatrician today. The visit lasted about 2-2.5 HOURS. At one point, dad got angry when we had the geriatrician talking about POLST options, so sis said that there was no need to sign or agree to anything and he could just take the form home and look it over and figure out what he wants.
He did a checkup as well and said that short term memory always a bit off. He recommended a brain MRI, so as not to miss something that should be caught.
He knows the Director of the SR living community mom and dad want to move to, so he said he’d call and put in a good word for them, hopefully bumping them up in the waiting list. They’ve been that waiting list for some time now.
@somemom heel bed sore experience, when my mother fractured her pelvis and was non weight baring for 7 weeks.
The dr / nurses discovered beginning of heel sores, and my mom was very uncomfortable.
The skin was just slightly reddened on the way to “bedsores”, but the discomfort she had when they touched the bed was surprising given these were in the beginning stages.
They were adamant about her heel not touching the bed, so with rolled towels to elevate her heels, and some booties we were able to prevent development into open sores. They also used a cream, but this was on unbroken skin.
I want to emphasize, how important it is to take the pressure off the beginning of bedsores, to simply move the weight so the skin can have minutes of circulation.( the staff was supposed to move my mom to prevent a shoulder and lower back issue, but they did not do this, we family members did, and I think this prevented open sores)