@runnersmom. I am glad you have your DH’s back, and that you had good memories of how it could be done for the end of life. I know I am on here often about my mom, but it is my dad who keeps me hopeful for aging well. He can’t see much and lives with my brother and his family, where I am glad he is. But Dad keeps the positive mental attitude which is just so very significant.
@somemom , I think all the self care my mom did for her body is coming back to bite her. She hasn’t been able to talk much lately, but with the pacemaker, her body is still in pretty good shape. I started eating more chocolate…
@SOSConcern “when you are still enjoying life” good point. question is there is life and there is bits of life. Whose to say that bit isn’t good enough? (philosophical, not debating) .
I understand people who do not have the faith, who want to avoid any thought of any suffering. Each person’s idea of what quality of life is. A positive attitude and faith, even in harsh situations can be a big help.
Making some headway with siblings. I am the only one shunned by the one, and the others are uncomfortable about it because they know she is mentally ill. Trying to tread lightly and minimize damage to nieces/nephew.
Another challenge–parents who want to travel but can’t really travel safely without being accompanied by others but don’t consult with others and make arrangements that work for the others. Aging is much more challenging when the people who are aging are in denial about how much help they need and are increasingly difficult to be around.
Oh, no, HImom. This “in-between” phase is difficult. Hopefully, all siblings can be on the same page. It may be easier to re-frame the issue as related to the increasing hassles of security and potential delays/changes that make it hard for everyone now. Darn the denial that interferes with appropriate planning.
On a general note, I know people whose parents traveled with caregivers/companions, in some cases even if family were there. These weren’t necessarily elders with major limitations. It was just that they could afford to do so and preferred not to delegate all of the helping roles to the family.
Someone else had an adult grandchild fly with the grandparent, connect them to the local family member upon arrival and continue on their way for their own trip. Takes coordination, but may work.
Requesting a wheelchair for a flight itinerary will ensure having a chair and “driver” waiting at every transfer point on both legs of a trip. Worthwhile to consider, even if it is largely precautionary. In my experience, the folks who “drive” the chairs have been excellent.
Yes, but I’m pretty sure my folks would refuse to allow non-family companions. Everyone is scrambling and trying to figure out what to do now. We accompanied them two of their past three trips.
I was wondering if anyone in this thread has a recommendation for a care manager in the San Francisco/ East Bay area. I live too far away, so I’m looking for someone who can visit him, perhaps monthly, to alert me to any issues with his care (he wouldn’t be able to tell me), and maybe interview/ hire a companion to visit him more frequently for company. A friend advised me that care managers get referrals from home care agencies and might be inclined to push for a specific agency so it would be a good idea to get a word of mouth recommendation. Also, has anyone arranged for supplemental nursing care directly through the nursing home? I have a gut feeling that this is a bad idea but was wondering if this worked out for anyone. Thank you.
My father’s insurance company has a nurse that checks in on him every other week for free.
Also, Meals on Wheels generally asks their people who deliver to spend a few minutes chatting with their clients. It is a great way to have a quick daily (weekdays only I think? I’m not sure) check on your older parent.
My father needed supplemental care while in assisted living when he returned from a hospitalization. The facility had a list of local providers including one affiliated with the assisted living company. They didn’t push it over the others. Prices were similar and I actually liked using the affiliated provider because their caregivers were more familiar with how the facility worked. When a loved one needs supplemental care you don’t want duplication of services or confusion about who does what.
DD came home for a visit this weekend. One thing she hoped to do was have one last visit with FIL while he still knew who she was. It looks like she missed it by about a week. He has asked me multiple times in the last week when she is coming to visit (although he doesn’t remember she has graduated). When she saw him yesterday he didn’t even acknowledge her. He mostly yelled at the nurses and at DH and at the world.
FIL transitioned to hospice this weekend. He’s been on a long downhill slide (after a brief recovery) following a stroke. In the past couple of weeks he has almost quit eating, and has been aspirating food/liquids more than before. He had all the speech therapy following the stroke, but just can’t remember how to swallow and isn’t really hungry anyway. When the family decided not to have a feeding tube inserted that pointed to the hospice path. I think it will be a good thing, but they are getting the meds transitioned, and he is supposed to be getting something for anxiety but it hadn’t been started by yesterday.
I’m sad for both of them that he was not able to respond to her visit, but believe that she is now more prepared to let him go.
On the other hand, our 93 year old dear friend at church saw her after the Easter service, remembered her name without prompting, and gave her a big hug and welcome. So that was nice.
Momof Jand L
So hard to not be recognized. Even on the phone I can tell Mom sometimes doesn’t know it is me. My brother has had a very hard time calling her often because of being scared she won’t recognize him.
Hope the hospice plan helps and that the passing is as smooth as we would all want.
And yes, nice that some people still hold onto their memories.
I had a very tough time at me pre-Easter visit with Mom. Her poor face was all black and blue (actuall now green) from the bump on her eyebrow when she fell. There must have been a lot of internal bleeding.
@Mehitabelle I don’t have recommendations, other than to say I know the hospital in my Mom’s town does the supplemental care nurses and it sometimes works. I’d also contact medicare and see if they will pay for a home health wellness check once a month.
I got a recommendation from the front desk of the AL place for a private caregiver when I had to supplement the AL care. After 3 years, the one front desk lady is the only staff that has been there long term, and she let me know who on the “list” might be better to call.
I agree totally that you need your own source of eyes on it. Mom moved into memory care a month ago , I went up for the 30 day review … and they had not done anything with her nails, which were really long when she went in. I think 30 days are too many for a nail check!! Just those sorts of little things I find every time i visit drive me crazy!
So sorry @MomofJandL. In time your DD will relish her last visit, even though it was upsetting at the time. It does seem to be a difficult time for many, this month of March. After my FIL died on the 10th, my S’s girlfriend’s grandmother, with whom she was very close, died yesterday.
@MomofJandL Sorry for your loss. Hope your family all pulls together and help one another heal.
@runnersmom, your S can be a big help to a grieving girl. It will tell her a lot about him. Best wishes for him as well.
I realized when my dad’s wife died that my kids really had had very little death in our family. When I was their age (20, 22) I had lost lots of my Dad’s aunts and my grandparents. and family went to friends’ grandparents’ funerals. I knew how funerals worked when I was a teen. My kids had no idea. Just remembered, my D had been to one other funeral… a teacher in middle school had been hit by a train. I took her to that funeral while other parents thought it was a bad idea.
Well, that was a random thought. I do hope for peace for all the grieving parties.
All my grandparents died by the time I was 23 (I think my maternal grandfather actually died on my birthday). My daughters are 22 and 25 and still have three grandparents alive, including one who just turned 90. There was no funeral for my dad, at his request.