Pink slip signed and delivered to the buyer, and, get this, FIL got the buyer (friend of the family) to loan the car back to them whilst BIL is driving him around on this visit. I told DH, maybe we refund $500 for future borrowing!
Almost two years after my dad’s death, at the end of the week of what would have been his 93rd birthday, the release form for his heirs was mailed out today so I will be able to close his estate SOON. I.CAN’T.WAIT!
Thanks everyone. Shiva ended yesterday and as predicted, it was a fiasco, as far as the siblings were concerned. My H sat with his mom for the entire period, as did his brother, but his sisters made appearances…in one case for 90 minutes over 4 days. her mom was devastated and understandably hurt and angry. Reality is, I’m the only one who does anything, so it was my responsibility to keep everyone fed, paper goods replenished and thank-you list up-to-date. Then I was told I was “too controlling”. My H defended me to anyone who would listen, but mostly I just felt sorry for them. Their D died, and all they could worry about was that I was deciding what they would eat. The good news was she was surrounded by friends and extended family during shiva, and I think that helped ease the pain in a temporal sort of way.
runnersmom, good for you for keeping them fed and your head on straight. I hope the family comes to appreciate both you and your DH sooner rather than later. gak on the remarks.
oldmom4896, YAY good for you. That seems fairly typical for timeline for some of my friends. I hope the releases are signed. We signed ours for my dad’s wife, but her own kids gave the kid doing the estate some grief. I signed it and I didn’t get what was written in the will, but I did not need to make the woman’s life any harder.
H’s family is a lot better functioning than mine. H’s parents are mid-80’s and failing health. One BIL/SIL are visiting them now. H will visit in June. Either parents will decide to give up their car this summer, or at C-mas. We shall see.
H and I won’t be dragging out these kind of decisions.
I don’t think one parent will outlive another for 8 years like another poster stated happened to them. We all are praying FIL goes first.
My parents are both deceased, and unfortunately 3 siblings have issues - one has shunned me, one lashed out with inappropriate anger, and one is in another country as a convicted felon that fled from serving out probation (so never returning to the states). All three have had broken marriages and not practicing any faith. My one sibling and I have both had a stable long term marriage and maintain a very good relationship. Two out of the three siblings with issues are still facebook friends with me though. Now my non-US brother has poisoned his DD against me, so the dysfunction goes on another generation (he knows what he has done is wrong, but he had made many bad decisions that has hurt him the most, and then his kids). H is so wounded by how toxic these 3 siblings have been - he cannot imagine his siblings ever treating him this way. My shunning sister believes she can have a relationship with my two kids and cut H and me ‘out of the family’ - go figure (and poisoning the well for the next generation). Our kids see the nice side of this sibling and do not have the adult maturity yet to see how bad this situation is. Fortunately the troubled siblings and their offspring are several states away.
That sounds toxic, SOSConcern. How sad. I have one sibling who is out of contact with the family other than intermittent calls every year or two, but the rest of us (we’re a large band) get along very well.
Congrats of getting to the point of closing the estate, oldmom! I had my dad’s open for years because he’d retired from a company that then filed bankruptcy, and there were years of legal wrangling with creditors committees before we could really call it done, and even stock in the new post-bankruptcy company that couldn’t be sold for months because they didn’t yet have anyone designated to handle those matters to confirm with the company holding the stock that the sale was ok. Ugh.
And speaking of identity theft: NCarolina required that the beneficiaries all disclose their SS#s on a document that was then filed with the probate court and which is then available for anyone to publicly inspect. Is that nuts, or what?
How dare you take over like that?!
Really, I hope you can laugh about it one day, the sooner the better. People can really be clueless, and stress seldom makes those people more charming. Sounds like your DH supports you and will need your support in the coming months. I’m sorry you both are facing this, but glad you’re doing it together.
runnersmom, you were there to provide comfort to your MIL and DH, and I am glad she was surrounded by the love of tfriends and other family members. Bless you. As to the sisters, agh! Of course, the sisters would have been complaining had they shown up and there was NOT anything to eat. Have these sisters never been to a shiva? Are they alwasy like this or is this grief speaking?
Someone always takes charge to manage the minyan, noshing, etc. They are lucky someone within the family stepped up to take the responsibility.
I wish I could say that it was a grief-related reaction, but this was par for the course for my H’s family. To be honest, they have very little idea of how anything is done as regards lifecycle events. Some of the most hurtful (to me) comments came while we were at the funeral home and they were so vile I can’t bear to repeat them. I have been a member of this family for 34 years and if one can feel as much like an outsider now as I did when I first met them 37 years ago, I do. However, my H is a wonderful man who has spent most of his adult life making sure that the family business succeeds (often at a cost to his own family) and I know he will continue to do what’s best for his mom, and whether they believe it or not, his siblings. I went through this all about 15 months ago when I lost my own dad and the contrast is striking. Thank you all for giving me a place to safely get this off my chest.
@runnersmom, I am so sorry.
Runnersmom- what a grueling time. Hang in there. Perhaps there is consolation in being an outsider, as you aren’t burdened with what would be required to be “inside”.
@runnersmom, so glad you and your H got thru this rough time. Wishing you both peace. Sorry your inlaws are so unappreciative.
@runnersmom, I am glad you and your DH have (and have had) each other’s backs all these years.
Yes toxic family members, esp siblings, is difficult. I can just imagine the heartbreak of my deceased parents, although my mother had psych issues that has actually been part of the contributing factors (although siblings each made their decisions in their lives that has negatively affected their lives and also sends them spinning in negativity).
If I didn’t have my faith, friends, supportive family, the junk would certainly pull me down. Sometimes I have to believe I am like Teflon - their negativity is not going to stick to me.
MIL & FIL were moved out of their home last fall. We have had some combo of us kids there every month last fall, just doing all that had to be done Some combo of us have been there twice already this year and have two more trips scheduled in the next couple of months…
I am not sure what will happen after that, but wow, this is too much. It’s time off work, it’s expensive travel, and it’s a squandering of time that should be for fun stuff (She said selfishly)
I am beginning to think about moving them nearer to us, one parent near each son. But, one of them is toxic, so that really makes me think twice. I just don’t know that it is fair to ask us to keep up this pace, he could easily live many more years.
Also, they have lived in that area 50+ years, have church friends and good friends at AL, people that actually do help them, but you cannot ask as much of friends as the in laws now need.
@somemom I feel the situation and how one has to really think very hard about some decisions that have longer implications. If communication, support, and conflict resolution can be handled well among the siblings. MIL/FIL are going to have their perspective with how they don’t want change and what they need. Sometimes situations force decisions (like moving out of their home).
We don’t know how long MIL/FIL are going to hang on to their car, when neither should be driving (FIL no longer driving, MIL is starting to take the taxi). The seed has been planted, but they have to decide when to give it up. MIL is responsible but knows she no longer has the ability to safely drive. Probably now the excuse is to allow someone to drive them with their car.
Aging sucks, but it beats the alternative when you still are enjoying life.
I felt like there was no joy in my dad’s life but he was determined to live on and take care of my stepmother.
On the other hand, his older sister survived the loss of her husband 6 or 7 years ago, wound up moving to an assisted living place near her son, was visited often by her children and grandchildren, and passed away after a short illness last week at 94. I was talking to one of her grandsons in October and he said she still played a mean game of Scrabble.
I guess it’s not fair for me to judge as a healthy mobile 67-year-old what’s a reason to live on as a 90±year-old with increasingly limited opportunities for enjoyment and increasing difficulties in the normal activities of life.
In some ways, I think my FIL willed himself to die. This was a man who survived the Holocaust, so there really was nothing worse to experience, but when his body began failing him, and he couldn’t do the one thing he took pleasure in (work), he often expressed a desire to die. In some ways, for him, the massive heart attack was the way he would have wanted to go. No lingering, no pain…here one minute and not the next.
Unfortunately, he spent many years telling his dependent (at 50, 58 and 61) and divorced daughters that there were trusts, and other mechanisms that would support them as he had once he died, and that was just not true. So not only are they grieving, they are feeling betrayed. They are quite comfortable and will remain so, reality is not the issue. My H has been the sole child in the business (my FIL was pretty sexist) and now all the frustration and fear is raining down on him. he knows I will support his decisions, whatever they are, and personally I’d prefer he just hand over the keys and financial documents and leave it to them to do what they please, but lifelong ties are hard to break.
My MIL is starting to feel empowered in her new position of mater familias, given that my FIL was a very controlling person his whole life. She’s always wanted to control the pursestrings and now she can. That piece doesn’t really affect us - she can afford to live however she’d like and is free to give or not give, as she sees fit. If she chooses, at 83, to try and impact how the business is run, I know my H will walk. As you can imagine, this causes much stress for my H, but it will be what it will be.
Next steps (with which MIL seems to agree) will be to help her find a place to live with greater social support - this is not a woman who should live alone, as she does now. She is open to a continuing care concept and we (or her daughters, I hope) will take her to visit a few local options. This business of managing other peoples lives is not easy.
Wait, your in laws have THREE adult DDs who are dependent on them? That’s intense! Are they actually dependent like disabled or are they just raised to be dependent?
My FIL has been wanting to die for months, he says, be he also is eating and healthy, so yah, he cries and says he wants to die, then goes on with life. It’s incredibly sad.
Yup, three adult Ds who are dependent…and only one could be considered disabled, but even she lives independently and has her own life (and 3 children). My SILs are dependent in the sense that they depend on their parent(s) (and the family business) for their “livelihood”. None works currently, but each is quite financially stable from an objective point of view. But objectivity is not a strong suit of this family. The dependency was fostered by their parents from the time they were young. My MILs answer to every comment about what the sisters do or don’t do is that they don’t have “nice husbands” to help them. Uh, there’s a reason for that.
I guess I was spoiled by my dad - he had a significant stroke almost five years before he died, and it was only in the last 15 months or so when he expressed he frustration with life as it was for him. He always looked for the ways he could continue to enjoy his family and his life. I miss that.