@SOS, sending hugs. Taking care of elderly family members affect the dynamics of the entire family. While your husband seems to be able to take time to recharge his batteries, it might be an opportunity to renegotiate time for just the two of you.
H I do believe realized he has had blinders on. He will probably find out the end of next week what state/plant his job is going. He does not have the time to be burning on the road and fiddling around building a wheelchair ramp when we may need to be getting our home on the market and H not having time with DDs. H would not answer my question about his dad negotiating stairs (which he can do now as far as I know).
If nothing else, will talk to his brother that lives near the parents.
Their family dynamics are ‘special’. On our wedding day MIL asked for grandchildren. They had other grandchildren after our wedding, and 15 years later was the first of our two DDs. Geographic distance has kept the relationships w/o boundary crossing.
My ex-H learned this week that the new (since 2015) guideline for Medicare coverage of hospice care for people with dementia is that the individual with dementia is no longer eating. Not “no longer eating under his or her own power” but “no longer eating at all.”
My mother would forget to eat or how to put together a sandwich, but would eat food immediately put in front of her. However when she was dying, it became clear she was dying.
I think we all need to be protective of our loved ones and having the right kind of care surrounding our debilitated loved ones.
@rosered55, I asked hospice to evaluate my aunt in April. Was quite surprised about the very strict guidelines. I really wanted them involved for more appropriate pain management, decreased ER trips, (frequent UTI’s), and in the end, pronouncement of death and no need to contact EMS. I live 1200 miles away and travel frequently. It is sometimes difficult to communicate with MD office and aunt’s home care. I do have a written MD order at a local lab for a UA/C & S, but that still means that the aide has to get the sample to the lab and pick up an antibiotic. Aunt has history of C-diff and we cannot give standard dose antibiotics. MD is not comfortable with increasing pain medication. Of course, the day of the evaluation was a “good day” for my aunt and the aide got her into her wheelchair to the kitchen and she was eating when the nurse arrived!
Hospice is for those with less than 6 months to live. In my mother’s county, had to have 3 MDs evaluate at the hospital. Based on what my brother told me about mom’s decline, I encouraged him to seek out the evaluation for her. On the hospital evaluation, the docs believed she had some kind of gall bladder infection, so she was in hospital on IV’s from Mon - Thur and then discharged to hospice care at home. Over the weekend, two siblings were there and believed she was dying (stopped eating, not conscious, shallow breathing) and she died on Monday.
@SOSConcern, so sorry for your loss and that your mom was subjected to IVs (under the mistaken belief she had a gall bladder infection?) It’s always hard to lose a loved one but especially difficult when they are taken to a hospital for an intervention that isn’t making them more comfortable and probably disorienting and upsetting, not to mention painful.
The 4 days in the hospital gave my brother a good transition and getting the hospice hospital bed in etc for mom to move back home. Then sister came for a weekend visit and stayed because death was imminent. Mom’s dementia was strongly declining, needed diapering, etc. I don’t think the antibiotic IVs were negative.
For someone else, it may have been a different story.
As a RN, I would tell brother stuff - sometimes he listened and agreed, but he definitely was one to over-rule anyone, and he was the one there along with FT sleep in help.
Never easy, SOS. My thoughts are with you. Glad someone was there.
Thinking of you, SOS. Condolences on your loss.
I want to encourage everyone with challenges that sometimes you just have to carry a lot of burden at times. When my mother died, I still had a few more months of IVs for stage III cancer. I am now cancer free.
H’s parents are declining but enjoying being in their home.
For those that have a strong faith, it really can help carry one through the suffering.
FYI on the executor front. We had H’s Aunt mail . forwarded to us when FIL died and H is now executors of both wills. The big name bank sent a list xxxx1234 for each of her accounts they changed the mailing address to. One did not match the info from the summaries sent monthly. The banker at the bank said that the account was closed. Today we received info of how to claim as executor the account money. Clearly given false info from bank . Lesson, write only to bank with appropriate parts and forget doing it at the bank. We have no idea how much is in that one account. She had apparently 7 accounts of various types at this same big name bank as she had a friend years ago that worked there and would get credit for new accounts. Aunt had no other family or kids.
To complicate this she had been widowed 3 times and her name is different on other banks, life insurance policies , etc. We were very lucky to find death certificates of her H’s in her very disorganized papers. We are at 33 various letters sent to places. I am the organizer and I think we have now gone through all the paperwork. Now waiting for replies and notarizing documents.
Bottom line organize your papers for your kids.
We’re having a similar issue confirming info. My own local bank said they couldn’t tell me dollar value on one account until I get the estate papers in order, which I can’t do without dollar amounts. But she did the whisper confirmation when I named the number I guessed from her last statement.
Luckily, the attorney here who closed DH’s estate was/is willing to give me general advice, help me get my bearings, know what must be done to some standard and what can be handled with our best (and honest) judgment, etc. My mother’s assets qualify for an Affidavit of Small Estate, which bypasses the courts or county/state and probate (no will.) Different states have different dollar totals for this.
So far, no one has asked me for any proof my brother and I are legit heirs or even truly related to her. SSA knows immediately and notifies Medicare. But none of the other entities asked for this before flagging and closing accounts or sending out various bits of info. Weird. But we’ll have to confirm, get medallions and notarizations when we actually deal with the final phase.
A (familiar) gripe: my brother is so darned sure I’m going to take more than my share. As if dealing with the myriad details wasn’t complicated enough. So be it.
Thanks for the post SOSConcern, it’s a wakeup call.
lookingforward, I was just changed to the medical POA for my dad, and he’s been talking about making me the executor. I agree that people seem to think it is sunshine and roses being an executor, let alone if your parent died intestate and you have to just pick up the pieces.
It may be wise to hire an accountant if the estate is large enough to ensure all key parties know no one is “slipping off with a few thou”…
A friend of mine went through a very difficult time with his brother, because his wife had been sole caregiver for her MIL for five years before she passed. Brother wanted exactly half but will was weighted towards my friend because of the amount of care given. Lawyers always win 
I’m going to see if my CPA will do her 2015 (she had a delay approved) and 2016 taxes.
As for my brother, I’m documenting everything (and while it’s a lot of details, there aren’t that many actual pieces here.) But he keeps asking me about things I already covered, keeps telling me he’s not mercenary, hinting I am. Parts are dumb and ugly, ugly and dumb. But I understand CYA and documenting.
Ya know, this thread really prepared me for both the mindset to handle this and the risk of family issues. I’ll get through it. Thanks, all, for the honesty you all shared.
Hang in there @lookingforward. This too shall pass…
hugs, lookingforward. I hope you and your brother can look forward to the end of the estate and to a good relationship going forward.
I’d be angry if my brother second guessed my taking care of things. We are usually on the same page and I know it is such a blessing that we trust each other. When I have twinges of guilt (latest, selling some jewelry second guessing that should have given grandchildren another crack at it! )He says YAY you got money/did the right thing. It is really a relief and I am sorry others are not getting same support.
My bro and I are trying to manage our Dad’s (Grandad’s homesteaded) farm from afar. We need to get a new renter in to make enough money to keep up with taxes. Bro is negotiating. I said last attempt was unacceptable and ranted at my Dad a little (Dad lives with my brother). Dad called me back the next day and said he was calling from his room for privacy. he said he couldn’t stand it if brother and I fought over the inheritance. We weren’t fighting I assured him, I was just beating up my little brother for being an idiot as usual! Actually, brother and I were mostly on the same page, he hadn’t seen the proposal yet from the first guy we were trying to rent to. Since he hadn’t seen it, he thought the deal was the one they had discussed… anyway, the point was it would break my Dad’s heart to have us fight and I would never ever do that. Not even for a million dollars!
I need to send him one of Mom’s rings still not sold for his wife who asked for one. Some days I think I should keep it to sell in case Mom is short of money, but decided keeping SIL and therefore brother happy is equally as important. I sent the $1x,xxx one and kept the other one to sell or redo for myself. $1xxx, but I don’t care about equal/equal. We both got a darned ring. He doesn’t remember getting the estimated values or wouldn’t recognize the description anyway. Not so sure about SIL…
In the elder news, Mom fell / attempted to get out of bed for the second time in about 3 weeks. They have a bed alarm on so they go check when they hear it go off. This time she pulled the wheel chair over on herself and cracked her head with it (assumed). 5 staples, concussion, CT scan and a trip to the hospital. They did’t keep her though. She won’t admit to being hurt and has apparently already forgotten about it. She fell and broke her arm about a year ago and same thing. Forgot it hurt.
@jym … you know whereof you speak re brothers being difficult with estates. Is your brother gone from your life still? There is making things harder and making things impossible!
I have a good friend (an accountant!) who settled his mother’s estate. He wasn’t that fond of his sister going in, but after her antics over the estate settlement, he doesn’t acknowledge he has or ever had a sister. Much to his wife’s chagrin, he gave the final remainder of the estate to his sister and brother and kept NOTHING for himself… and sister still complained and asked lawyer to look into it. OMG! Way to honor your mother!
So apparently in Texas there is a muniment of title if the possessions are under so much. But this is what H’s Aunt had by FIL because it was cheaper. I looked it up and this muniment is unique to Texas. It is cheaper and was used to sell her house by FIL. But, he could not get her accounts settled with it at big name bank and others much to his surprise. He gave up ( and died this year). There is a substantial amount we are talking here that is just sitting in her bank accounts. We had a 4 year window and she had died 2 years ago so we were OK with applying for an independent executor and doing the probate again. Another co$t later H is now doing her probate in addition to FIL. There is a good thing here that H has no other cousins or siblings, so no issues there. I feel for you who are dealing with that, too.
So you’re within that window? You might also want to check “unclaimed property” records.
Yup- thanks- did and already and got a response from Texas and a request to send papers- yet again I have no idea how much we are talking but we shall soon see. Some type of stocks.