I am finding this past 6+ months to be quite interesting. The in laws were definitely failing the prior two years, but were in their home with hiccups, not emergencies. At the AL place, it is just always something and I have learned, AL staff do what they are told, but nobody is paid to think around there. I suppose it is logical, with as many residents as they have, no one could keep all the does & don’t in their minds, but FIL has seen a cardiologist, urologist, PCP, Gastroenterologist and multiple trips to the ED. He is weaker and weaker & each time it seems attributable to some one thing, so he believes, “oh when this is better, I’ll be good again” and he may have a good day or a good week even, and then it is something else, even a cold makes him so weak he can barely stand up.
AL is good in so many ways, but there are still near daily phone calls just managing his life & all the health ‘stuff’
I think we have convinced him that the ER docs cannot fix what is wrong with him, so maybe he will stop those visits, but mostly what seems to be wrong is being old & frail.
@somemom , “interesting” and not paid to think… oh yeah.
The trips to fix stuff that can’t be fixed is exactly why I am so glad that (so far, knock on wood) hospice is to be called instead of the ambulance.
The stuff to manage from afar boggles my mind. The visiting nurse stopped Mom’s manicure appointments because she was fidgety and picking off the polish and damaging her cuticles. Great, so NOW, 2 months later, her fingernails are all broken because no one thought to have them cared for AT ALL.
I had to call for 3 weeks to get her an appointment for the nurse to cut her tonails… apparently it is something that only a visiting nurse can do. Don’t know how long they go between cuts and I forgot to look when I visited Mom last.
It took 7 phone calls to get anyone to answer the question: Do the pants I sent Mom fit? Because when I was there, her pants were snug (found out later they were giving her ensure EVERY meal instead of as a replacement for meals she couldn’t eat), I sent her 2 pair, different sizes. After talking to 4 people on 6 different days, someone emailed and said “The pants are snug”… I still don’t know if both sizes are snug or only the smaller or if they even tried new ones instead of old ones on. … the joys of “parenting” from afar.
The director left, no one told me. I only find out that the nurse also left because I went up. Someone have to have EYES on at least once a month and this is a good facility and expensive and I am pretty comfortable with Mom there… except for these interesting issues.
And before anyone suggests moving her closer so I could check more often, there are good family reasons not to do so. This is the best decision so far, we DO constantly evaluate to see if it STILL is the best.
I only can say that the AL stuff is exactly what I am also going through . I guess it is just common. I send also several sizes, tell them to give away the ones that don’t fit. I sent a lot of boxes. You can only do so much. I try to be attentive when she needs something.
So tough to do this from afar, with no local eyeballs. Good thoughts to all who are frustrated or worried.
My folks were in a level of AL that offered (for one fee) some personal care (shower help, laying out clothes), nursing assistance if indicated, medication management (ordering and dispensing) and access to docs at the in-house clinic, as well scheduling of podiatry appointments on-site to manage nail trimming and calluses.
I mention this not as a suggestion for a change when elders are well situated, but for reference if a move to AL is in the offing. Unlike nursing homes, that have far more commonalities, facilities labeled “assisted living” range from an almost hotel-like setting that provides meals and activities, to one that can handle a case of pneumonia in-house (order chest x-rays done on-site, prescribe and administer meds, manage nebulizers, etc.). It is important to know what options exist if someone gets sick temporarily, needs rehab after a fall, as well as how they determine when a declining resident requires a higher level of care. Some will allow outside private caregivers and others may not.
Very aggravating to have directors depart without notice to involved family members and no response to questions. There is quite a range of professionalism out there. Some facilities have it down and other facilities bring you down. Here’s to it all being manageable for and with our elders.
FIL’s place has the director out on a health leave and the charge nurse just left, the interim head is very nice, but has already said she is edging back into her old position, yet the head will not return for a couple of months!
If it were my parents, I would say no to the far away place and move them close, but, FIL wants to stay in his area and we kids agree that is the best place for him, but I will expect to see him transition to a board & care one of these days. He moved in at Independent Living was moved to Assisted Living two weeks later, he was at level 1, which includes medication management & two showers a week, then he bumped to having extra charges, now this month he is all the way to level 3, an extra $1000 over level 1, just boom, there. And that is iffy because he is over 6’ tall and 200#, when he is weak it is very difficult for the small women to stand him up and bathing is risky. I suggested sponge baths the weeks that he is not doing well.
FILs place does also have the in house chest X-ray option and has an in house doctor, but he got fired from that doctor months ago due to bad attitude!
Hi I am new to this thread and seem to be entering at a relevant time. Like lookingforward, I too am having brother troubles so can relate. He’s basically been unemployed his entire adult life and continues to receive support solely from my parents, now just mom because my dad died earlier this year. He lives very close to her. He resents that I live 1200 miles away. (I have been coming monthly since my dad died.) He resents that it’s me who has been entrusted with dealing with estate matters. (He gets belligerent - alcohol - and can’t really work with people, plus has little financial or real world experience for that matter.) He resents when my mom does not take his advice and I side with her. This is only going to get worse. The one good thing is in spite of these troubles I do trust him to not steal and things like that. But, man, he is tough to deal with and adds stress to already stressful situations. How do you deal belligerence??
You drink, LBowie. That’s only sort of a joke. It is tough. My only suggestion is that you make sure that you have all the requisite legal documents in-hand. There are a lot of them.
A lot of the posters here had sibling issues, ranging from inattentiveness by the nearer sibling to micromanaging your decisions (is that a nice way to put it?) to accusations. There’s a definite stress in knowing each of your steps might be questioned. But yes, as a start, you keep those i’s dotted. And you know it;s not just the estate matters, right? It’s ongoing health and welfare, as some recent posts share.
Best wishes, LBowie. Hugs.
The whole “helpless sibling” thing is a real stress inducer for people. Off the top of my head I know the following:
Family with ne-er do well brother who was living with Mom when she died 10 years ago, he is still living in that paid off house, they cannot sell it as no one wants him living with them. He has no income and he is not easy to deal with.
Family with sister who used to work, but just became too fragile for the world, she mentally cannot work, but does not qualify for disability. Mom & Dad bought her the house she lives in years ago and are monthly giving her money. What happens when they are no longer around?
Family with sister who used to work, became physically and mentally disabled, actually gets disability, but it’s a tiny amount. One sibling bought a small house where she lives, but that was 20 years ago, why should they subsidize her, they would rather help their kids. Her parents got tired of helping her 25 years ago, though have purchased some lare items, her kids do nothing & are not independently capable of functioning well either.
Family with one brother who had all sorts of issues, health & emotional, divorced parents, they both gave money, but it was the brother who cared for him.
And that’s just off the top of my head.
Why so many kids who never became grown ups? I don’t know which is worse, the hostility and fights over parental end care and estates or being left wondering who is in charge of the sibling who is helpless. In all four examples above, all the helpless kids started out making really bad choices in their 20s and went into a downward spiral. At least one of them was very intelligent, but just could not figure out the whole food-clothing-shelter thing.
Thanks everyone. It is not easy! The situation is definitely a hybrid of a couple of the stories you shared, somemom. Yes, brother is very intelligent but just can’t seem to get along with people. He also has health and alcohol abuse issues, subscribes to conspiracy theories and is somewhat paranoid. If someone doesn’t buy into his paranoia about “corporations” they pay the price as recipients of verbal abuse. The tirades can be triggered by the most innocuous comment. He does help my mom by taking her to appointments and shopping, and I am grateful for that (she does not drive anymore), but the blow ups are hard to deal with and really quite outside my day to day reality at home and work. He gets very frustrated with my mom, and, granted, she does have idiosyncrasies and signs of cognitive decline but all the more reason to just not argue! And it’s just me and him. No extended family, though my mom has some friends.
I feel for people who are navigating siblings with significant mental health and/or substance abuse issues. I also have many friends who have this problem. It seems that us designated elder care providers are likely to have friends who also take that responsibility. Neither of my siblings contributes to elder care; neither has interfered either. One is not stable and they live almost 3000 miles away; both are blind to what it takes to keep the eldership afloat.
I have come to be grateful that they are not obstacles to work around, rather than wish they could assist in some way. When someone is not sober or has irrational thoughts, it seems that all one can do is stir that knowledge into every interaction and carry on with what is right for the elder. I have seen huge family fractures because of the unwell getting their feelings hurt, essentially because the well sibling was acknowledging the declining elder’s increasing needs and the ill siblings were in denial of the parent’s aging. Unfortunately, many who can’t think straight are unaware of this and want to drive the bus right off the cliff in service of their idiosyncratic ideas. As if tending the elder on top of one’s own family wasn’t enough…
Thanks, travelnut! You are lucky there is no interference in your case, but it sounds like you could use some help.
You know I think the denial business has two sides to it. My brother sees things that concern him about our mom because he sees her almost daily, yet because he sees her all the time, he does not notice slow change. I, on the other hand, do notice changes because I visit periodically, but am not physically here to see the day to day. I definitely think he is frustrated that our mom can be stubborn about things. He thinks I don’t get it because I am not with her every day. I just wish he wouldn’t yell at us. I need to learn to just not engage. 90% of the time I can until it gets to a tipping point and out of self respect I feel I must defend myself. (And it still breaks my heart how he would call our dad names to the very end and say how stupid he was to his face, when our dad was a much loved and accomplished person, with mental faculties still 100% intact when he died. I really miss him.)
Belligerent brother, I basically did not back off with my brother. He finally got it -that I am going to be involved and that intimidation does not work. He backed off and we are back to Ok now. I have no idea if it was worse because he was a brother and older or not. He lives 9 hour drive and I a full airplane day away.
My mother is at an AL that pretty much does everything. They call the doctor, order the meds, have onsite podiatry and laundry and hair, etc. Bathe and dress her and have activities. It cost around $4500 a month. She went there on an emergency from hospitalization 2 years ago, and it was the best in town. They are very kind and nice to her and I just cannot move her and know she will receive the same care and tolerance closer to me. My Dad’s family visits weekly and has asked me not to move her because of the great care she is receiving. She is demented and really now becoming finally pleasantly confused.
@LBowie Welcome to the club no one wants to join.
rockymthigh, sounds very similar to Mom’s place, but costs $8000 a month (she is now on level 5, needs help eating, completely incontinent ) and that is with hospice aides doing the 2x weekly showers and vitals checks. Otherwise it would be level 6 care and another $500.
But everyone loves Mom, she is pleasantly confused. She always was nice to other people.
I do think the daily care person needs to have safe place to vent, so LBowie, perhaps you can deflect some of the frustration by making your brother feel heard on those issues that are simply venting? My head would have exploded the last few years had I not been able to vent silly little complaints to my sister! Could you, in phone calls, look for the things where you could validate his frustration?
If you could, maybe once he was ‘heard’ on those things, maybe he would be less defensive on the other issues?
And know what time of day might work better for that communication.
I noticed for my brother for drinking reasons that NOT late at night or evening or weekends was sane for phone calls. Try earlier in the day (before the drinking takes hold). Of course sometimes even during the day I have to deal with ‘dry drunk’ instead.
I call our mom in the evening after dinner, and often my brother is there too. I talk to both of them on speakerphone. Calling my brother alone is almost outside my comfort zone as I am scared of waking a belligerent bear. While we can certainly have civil conversations, the brink of verbal abuse is always perilously close and I have no tolerance of it. He is blacklisted at at least one local bar for his attitude. (I actually wonder what the heck he does all day. I think sleep and read conspiracy theories on the Internet. He has very few friends anymore, sadly.)
At this point n time, my mom is fully competent to dress, bathe, make meals. She does get confused about more complex things (Iike the things that need to be done with the estate and changing various accounts), but is still somewhat competent. I wish I had a better memory of her mother’s functioning at this age. Her mom lived independently until she died suddenly at 93. Not that it would necessarily be the same, but it would be a good perspective.
LBowie, what helped me with my dad and brothers was my wonderful therapist. My dad died more than 2 years ago and one of my brothers a year ago, and the other brother continues to do bizarre, hurtful things, lots of hurt all around, but I think I am finally finishing up with therapy, lol. My surviving brother used to say, “Dr. Freud Never Sleeps” and on that at least I think he is right–whatever craziness exists in any of us is definitely magnified within immediate family relationships. I wish you the best, no matter what, it’s not easy. And let me say it here: you are a wonderful daughter to make that trip every month.
After trying for several hours to call my dad (1200 miles away) to wish him a happy father’s day, I got a text from the sibling who lives near my parents that they had gone to ER. No context yet. Trying to breathe.