Thanks, travelnut. My husband and his siblings are still adjusting to the new normal. Some are more realistic than others. I presume she became dehydrated by not drinking enough and refusing to run the window ac. Sigh. I have helped a lot recently, but would like to back off soon. I really can’t do this indefinitely. The siblings do not communicate effectively, so the ball gets dropped frequently. She waves off opportunities to use the toilet and insists everything is fine. I think the family needs to stop asking and start insisting.
Can anyone comment on those chair systems for moving someone up the stairs?
I know several people that have used them very successfully. No idea about brands though.
A few pages back, someone was talking about home care for people who wake frequently during the night. When we were hiring a caregiver for my mom, the agency said that for patients who needed a lot of care during the night, two caregivers would be required, because (as I understood it) live-in caregivers are legally required to have a period of time for more or less unbroken sleep.
We bought a chairlift for my relative but it was for outdoors and about $50,000 decades ago. I believe indoor ones are much more affordable, but I am unfamiliar with brands.
Oh yea, we successfully got dad to and from his golf tournament, with me leaving my van for him to stash his stuff. It took a bit of coordination but was well worth the peace of mind.
I’m seeing a chair lift for a straight indoor staircase runs 2-3-5k, more if there’s a landing to get around. But my concern would be if the change to riding up would be hard to adapt to- the unfamiliarity, needing to sit still, and possibly turning to look back down the stairs, which might be scary.
We got a stair lift a couple of weeks ago. Mil doesn’t use it herself, though. Only with help. She is blind from macular degeneration in addition to all the other problems, and she really can’t manage it on her own.
My FIL had a stair lift installed for his 96 yo mother. I don’t know the brand but I believe the cost was in the $3000 - $3500 range. It gave her 3 extra years of living independently in her home of over 70 years. She was initially intimidated by the lift, but quickly learned how to operate and appreciate it. From my perspective, I think her quality of life during those 3 years would have been better served in AL, but she adamantly resisted that move until recently.
One of my friends called DMV and had them call her father, who refused to give up his license despite being unsafe. They sent him a letter saying that he needed to come for an evaluation. When he went in, they revoked his license and he never knew his daughter had turned him in.
I wrote a letter to the DMV about my mother at 95 and asked them to change the license to a state ID and they did without charge.
I wrote briefly about driving with my dad (mom doesn’t drive) a few days ago. He had trouble with spatial/visual perspectives and could not consistently stay in his lane. It reminded me of being behind a distracted driver on the cell phone. Because of this, as we were coming out of a traffic circle, he ran into the right curb of the circle pretty hard, blew out the tire, and damaged the rim. After getting on a spare (yay for good Samaritans!), I drove them home, stopped for gas, and found that dad had forgotten how to pump gas. I dropped them off at home, went to the dealer to repair the car, and when I returned, I told him I didn’t want him driving. I actually handed him the keys and said that I trusted him not to drive until we went to the doctor to get his opinion. This seems to have worked better than the heavy handed approach of taking away the keys and car. It’s actually something he seems to remember! He told my husband the next day that he shouldn’t and wouldn’t drive. We go to the doctor on Thursday so he can have an “authority” confirm that he cannot drive.
He has a great car which is a 3 years old hybrid with only 3,000 miles. How have the rest of you managed these used cars to be fair to siblings and other heirs? I would like the car and am willing to pay them for it though they would be willing to just give it to me. I just wonder if this would be fair for my brother’s (died 18 months ago) heirs. I’m the only one who lives local and has much to do with my parents. My niece and sister-in-law would visit if I asked her to. My real helper is my DH.
I have seen stairlifts, coupled with assistance, allow for more time in home, as opposed to at an elder care living facility. The reasons for needing the stairlift and the total health picture of the elder provide the context for looking at this as a possibility. By the time people are considering this as an option, there can be other challenges that accompany the stairs: vision, steadiness on feet, strength, distractibility, general cognitive function (and ability to learn a new piece of technology), confidence, balance and judgment come into play.
I watched my frail, physically unstable, but cognitively intact, mother try out lift chairs. By the time she clearly needed one, she felt tipped out of the chair and highly vulnerable, ultimately deciding not to have one. M-i-L could not safely operate her power wheel chair; she was distracted by things going on around her and would not lift her hand off the controls to stop it while she checked them out. It was more dangerous than not having one. For my mother, this was a good option for quite awhile. Lots of observation helps with all these decisions.
I got my mother’s '92 car, when she decided not to drive anymore. It did cause some uncomfortableness with my brother- a car with a $400 trade in value. Silly.
But I think, since you can afford to offer them some fair market value, see what they say. You could split what you pay among your brother’s heirs. You’re the primary care manager and it’s not unfair or unusual to have what we might call first rights.
@GTalum, my dad’s car sat in his driveway from when he stopped driving until he died. I wound up giving the car to my daughter but per the probate lawyer, its value was added to the assets in the estate.
My sympathy and empathy re the further evidence of your dad’s loss of ability. It’s wonderful that he accepted it so well, but it must be tough for you, both emotionally and practically.
We are fortunate there was an accident that caused no harm to anyone, but enough that is shook up my dad, a very precise and careful engineer. He tried to tell himself and me this “never happened” and he should have “another chance.” It was hard for me to tell him that the reason it never happened before is that his cognitive status has declined significantly, even in the past 3 weeks. I told them we could talk to the doctor to see if there was a chance of any of it coming back. But he is a smart and practical person and said “that’s not likely.”
Thanks, it was hard for me and he understood that I think which helped. Practically, it will be better than me worrying about him driving. There is myself, my husband, and my daughter locally all willing to run errands. Plus they are at a CCRC who can take them places. The only problem is that they don’t have the executive function of thinking ahead and planning to arrange the rides. But they are a short walking distance to the grocery store, bank, dentist. It’s why we chose that location.
My SisIL gave S her used but well maintained 15+ year old car when she decided she would no longer be driving. He needed a vehicle and she wanted to give it to him. He was surprised because he was all set to buy a new car.
He knew she really wanted him to have it, so he was gracious about accepting it and we didn’t contribute FMV against our portion of the estate (she donated it Friday and died Tuesday). The state of VA values the car at $5k, so not a huge value, especially compared to the value of the significant estate.
If you have the means, it would be nice to put an amount roughly equal to the value of the vehicle into a transportation fund for your folks, for uber, Lyft, taxis and other means of getting around, to help reduce the sting of no longer being able to drive.
It’s great your dad handled the situation so well.
No need for rides since it is part of the steep cost of the CCRC. Good idea to use it. When they moved, they gave me one of their cars worth about 11-12K at the time. I tried to give my brother half the value but he refused. My brother was the least petty person I know. Since the kids know this about their dad, giving them the money would probably be awkward. Probably best if I just transfer the money to their account since I am a co-signer. I’m just going to tell them they are giving me a really good deal. They really won’t know, but I will know I am being fair.
Maybe use the money toward a family vacation or other experience with nephews and your folks? That would be a memory all could cherish.
If there is ever a chance that an elder will require Medicaid assistance particularly due to skilled nursing care costs, making decisions about large gifts might be best done with an elder attorney’s input to ensure that potential “look back” time frames on significant distributions of cash or valuables are not a hindrance. Not a possibility for all elders, though possibly a variable for some.
So touching the way GTalum’s father responded to the gracious key offering technique. It is a tough moment, but usually necessary at some point. Having alternative transportation in place takes a lot of the sting out.