Since state laws differ, we have to research in the applicable communities. No way around that unless you hire an attorney to handle things.
I don’t even know how to hire a good attorney unless I pay through the nose for a big firm. Do the senior services folks educate caregivers who aren’t seniors about that stuff?
Or do I need to wait until I am AARP old enough?
AARP does have good resources online, accessible even if you’re not a member. In my state, there are aging and disability resource centers, an agency on aging that has a guardianship support center, and law school clinics.
Or start with the local elder services office.
For AARP, you only have to be 50 to join, if you WANT to be a member.
@rhandco thanks for the thought, I know they did ammonia levels while he was at the psych hospital. Probably that is what they were looking for.
There are attorneys who focus on elders. Maybe it started with wills and estates? Anyway, I do know one. She’s handled everything up to and including clearing out homes for clients. She is in a solo practice.
My sister’s FIL was in a care home when his dementia made it so he could no longer live independently. The caregivers gave him a clipboard with paper and pen so he could “work”. This was 20 years post-retirement. It soothed him. Perhaps a stack of blank deposit slips from the bank, envelopes, and some paper money? H’s great aunt would have herself dressed, complete with hat and handbag, and would wait in the lobby for the train to arrive.
When my dad was in an assisted living facility, I recall talking to the a department of the aging ombudsman. That person was a resource and an advocate for any issues that could arise when dealing with a facility.
I had copies of every legal document my dad had with me at all times. If he fell and needed to go the hospital for stitches, I showed up with my folder and said “Okay, what do you need.” There were originals (at home) and there were copies. His lawyer gave me as many copies as I needed over the years. Later on, when it was time for the DNR orders, that was something I specified with each facility/hospital/location. I was astounded to know that the first one I signed (and struggled over), did not follow him from place to place. After that, I was pretty matter of fact about it. The last thing I wanted for him was to be on a vent that I’d have to decide at some point to disconnect. Nope. Better not to have that happen in the first place. But absolutely he should have pain meds if that would ease his pain/discomfort. That sort of stuff.
As for lawyers… call the senior center. See who comes in for talks and presentations. Call a nearby facility. Ask them for suggestions. Some counties have Senior Expos. Lots of vendors. You might be able to find all sorts of resources for things you never thought you needed to know. Fall is when a lot of these happen and you might find one not too far away. They might have direct info you can use but if not they may know of resources for your area… huge networking opportunity. I joined a caregiver support group and received a newsletter with meeting information and other resources. (Hospitals have various caregiver support groups too.)
I know it is overwhelming. But once you make a call or two, it will most likely start to fall into (some) place. I thought that the Department of Aging people were great resources. Dealing with his Medicaid application was another matter and a whole different part of the Department of Aging.
@rhandco Every county has an Area Agency on Aging office. Call a senior center in the county where your elder lives and ask for the contact information for the local Area Agency. Sometimes it is run through a senior center, sometimes through a Social Services office…that all varies. The ones we’ve connected with have been wonderful resources to help us get connected with the right resources in the community.
I looked up the Area Agency on Aging facility for my parent’s county last night. Great services – but most of them aren’t available in their itty bitty town. 
I do think there is the “stop in and take care of things” type of care available, which is a start. The next level seems to be the assisted living facility in town, which is mightily expensive and which they’ve both poo-pooed. (At that age, I guess you get to poo-poo things without being laughed at, right?)
I’m going to call them tomorrow when I have more time, to make sure my understanding is correct and to gather ammunition before I visit this weekend.
Best to everyone navigating all the complex circumstances, especially if legal issues are compounding the challenges. It changes everything to have that locked down and is the greatest gift we give our kids, too.
If you are stuck with other pragmatics, a geriatric care manager near your relative can be a huge help. They know local resources and facilities, can assess functioning professionally and make next step recommendations to your family. Perhaps their greatest contribution can be facilitating the tough talks, normalizing adjustments necessary for changing circumstances and diffusing family tensions. They often provide help with Medicaid applications, health insurance options and connections to professionals who specialize in helping elders (including those who help empty houses, pay bills, provide transportation, home care agencies, etc.). Many people find this a worthwhile investment, particularly during the transition times. While lots of these services can be found with a search, there can be a huge efficiency in having the dots connected by a pro.
At some point-- and, @NerdMom88 I fear you may be there-- the adult child has to stop thinking of their parent as a n adult who is capable of making adult decisions, although perhaps regrettable ones, and start thinking of a second childhood.
When little 2-year-old Ava insists she wants to go naked into the snow, we don’t say, “OK, dear.” We say, “Would you like to wear your pink hat, or your blue one, with your snow jacket?” When Dad with dementia, who can’t remember to take his meds and shuffles around the house falling, insists he should continue driving and he wants to continue living in his house, maybe it’s time to say, “Hand over your car keys. Let’s talk about whether you want a fulltime live-in caregiver for a year or two until you need to move to memory care, or whether you’ll move to a continuing care facility now.”
@NerdMom88 Cardinal Fang is right. My dad still complains I took the car from him but I needed to make the decision. He wasn’t capable of assessing his driving. It’s not that he meant to drive badly, he didn’t realize he was, just as he doesn’t realize that his memory loss impairs his executive functioning. He does recognize the memory loss and tells me he is losing large parts of his life. I think it started when he forgot he had a grandson. It’s interesting, he doesn’t notice mom’s memory loss nor does she recognize his. My dad is so smart and capable and it is really hard for him to depend on me for things.
I wish I would have had something like this thread in this forum two years ago. I wish someone would have given me the stellar advise that Cardinal Fang did when she said “When thinking about how to address the issues of our elderly parents remaining in their home, we have to look ahead six months, a year, two years. We look at the state of our parents’ health this instant, but forget that in most cases, their health and capabilities will continue to worsen.” I feel as if I was playing catch up for the increasing decline all the time… and all it did was exhaust me and not really help my father.
I also wish someone would have sat me down and really spelled out that when he was MY caregiver, I had to listen to him. Now that I am his caregiver, he doesn’t believe he has to listen to me even a little bit. We have their very best interests at heart, but they still believe that they are our authoritarian figure and do not have to listen to us.
And it is so hard on them to spend decades of their lives being responsible, managing, making decisions, then have that taken away. And by their “children.”
Right now, I’m a bit comforted when mine have some savvy I don’t. But I think many of us wonder what it’ll be like later, when they try to exert some authority.
I’m going to rant a little more about drivers who shouldn’t be on the road.
I often hear the excuse that the driver “has to” drive even though they are unsafe driving, because they have no other form of transportation. I don’t care whether they have any other form of transportation-- if they’re unsafe drivers, take away the keys! If your unsafe parent kills my cyclist son because you wouldn’t take away the keys, I don’t want to hear about the risks you and your parent were willing to take in order to be able to get around. Don’t tell me how much you’re willing to risk his life for your convenience. You don’t get to risk my life, or my son’s life. That’s not your risk to take.
Stop it. Take away the keys. Hire someone local to drive your parent a few times a week, or do it yourself, or move them to a facility where they get transportation, or find some other solution that doesn’t involve risking other people’s lives.
I’m an only child who lived 2.5 hours away from my mother. When it became apparent that she needed regular assistance, being that far away was not a viable option. I gave my mother the option of a few assisted living facilities closer to where I lived, which she got to see, but staying in her home was not an option. Was that harsh? Maybe. Was it necessary for her safety and my peace of mind and well-being? Absolutely. She complained for years that I ruined her life, until she had to move to a nursing home. Then she missed the assisted living facility that she had complained about.
I totally agree with those who have said that you need to take a more long-term view with our aging parents. They aren’t going to get better and decreases in function can happen precipitously.
@shellfell that is exactly what we did with both my parents and in-laws. We told them staying at home, in their current situation, was not an option. For my parents, we gave them a choice of living near myself or my brother and visited CCRCs. I hear elders, and their children say: “We will think about it when the time comes.” When the time comes, it is TOO LATE. Making sure your parents are cared for, have resources, and are not a threat to the community, is the right thing to do, even if it is against their wishes.
Now for the contradictory view. I read somewhere, maybe in Atul Gawande’s book, that adult children tend to be more risk-averse for their failing parents than the parents might have been while in sound mind. That is, for example we are afraid to leave a failing mother living alone, for fear she’ll fall and not be discovered for hours.
But maybe the mother would be happier, all things considered, taking that risk. Maybe the chance she’d have to suffer, injured, on the floor for a while is balanced out by the surety of joy and satisfaction in being independent the rest of the time. We children see the downside, but in some cases we don’t adequately evaluate the upside. Our elders don’t like be dependent any more than we would.
Note that this reasoning only applies for risks the parent is taking for themselves, not for others. The senior might be willing to be unsafe in their home, and in some cases that desire should be respected. Her autonomy is an important consideration, which might balance risks to herself, but can never balance risks to others. We don’t care whether, for example, the senior is willing to take care of their great-grandchild unsafely-- if the baby is unsafe in Great-Granny’s house, Great-Granny doesn’t get to babysit no matter how much she wants to.
And similarly, if Great-Grandma is an unsafe driver, we don’t care whether she is willing to risk crashing into someone else. If she’s not safe to drive, she can’t be on the road no matter how much she wants to be behind the wheel.
^^Yes, that does sound like it came from Being Mortal. I am trying to get my mother to read that book because she is the main caregiver to my father. She gets panicky when anything happens, and takes him to the hospital, where he does not do well mentally, instead of figuring out how to keep him at home using the 24/7 aides that she has hired to help keep him safe (he has Parkinson’s and orthostatic hypotension so standing and walking can be problemmatic). I feel that she needs to speak to him directly and ask him what level of risk he is willing to tolerate in order to remain at home, rather than doing the knee-jerk thing and having him sit in the ER for hours in order to be admitted each time. Whenever it happens she swears “no more hospitals!” yet the next time she does exactly what she is told by the doctors and takes him there. My feeling is, question authority when what they say is not necessarily in your (or his, in this case) best interest or the only conceivable option for care.