@“Cardinal Fang” I agree with everything you’ve said. It may sound odd, but I have been a passenger in my dad’s car several times this summer and I see no decline in his driving. It is my mom’s concern that he might forget the destination or reason for a trip – and she’s probably right – but his driving seems to be as good as it’s been for the last few years. I still want to talk with him about having someone take him grocery shopping, and we’ll have a general discussion about how to best handle the next couple of years. If I see any decline in his driving this weekend, however, the discussion will have to take a sharp turn!
@Nerdmom88, you’re so right about looking forward to handling the next couple of years, knowing that (sadly) Alzheimers is a progressive disease. Good to hear you’re monitoring his driving!
@b1ggreenca, I wonder if it’s possible for your mother to have a meeting with your father’s doctor, or another medical professional versed in the area of care of elders with Parkinsons, in which she discusses exactly which symptoms would necessitate a trip to the ER, and which symptoms can be handled by her and the 24/7 aides without an upsetting trip to the ER. And I wonder if you could be there to take notes and put them up on her refrigerator.
We need people to help us navigate the health system! As it stands, even smart people with good general knowledge and a solid fund of common sense can’t easily figure out what to do. One thing I like about hospice, from what I’ve heard, is the hospice nurses know how to use the health care system to the patient’s advantage. Other areas of health care could take a page from their book.
@“Cardinal Fang” excellent point about allowing your elder relative and friend to make their own decisions as long as it only effects them, and not others. But, more often than not, I have elder patients who dig in their heels and want to stay at home. But, that decision usually involves much dependence on younger friends and relatives for medications, food, medical care, companionship,…It breeds dependence as opposed to independence. I think it is difficult, if not impossible to not involve the emotional and physical energy of others.
My dad has been in his Memory Care facility 15 days. I went for a short visit after work and it was the first time he didn’t tell me he was moving (on Tuesday he had all his clothes on the floor and he was sorting through what he needed and what he didn’t). He looks 100% improved from when he was hospitalized a month ago. His new obsession is the bank. He isn’t allowed to have any cash at his facility. So he keeps asking me to take him to the bank. When I told him I couldn’t he said he needed to find someone else then. I will just have to make sure I don’t visit during banking hours the next week or so and see if this passes.
@tx5athome - would it be an option to give him a few dollars and some coins? Maybe that would help him feel better. Or play money (can he tell the difference)?
Can’t you just tell him the bank is closed?
He is not allowed to have cash, he does have 4 dollars but he still knows the value of money and knows that won’t buy much. Hopefully this is a phase and will pass.
I’m so sorry @tx5athome
@tx5athome , FIL never stopped asking DH for his keys and wallet, every time DH visited. And many times, DH would arrive for a visit to find that FIL had packed up his things and was ready to leave. He asked the staff at the NH to take him home, and offered to pay them if they would. Since he somehow was unable to acknowledge his physical weaknesses, let alone his cognitive decline, he just never could understand why we were making him stay at that place instead of letting him go home. He used to mention that he thought we were all having a good laugh at his expense. No answers for you, but what you are seeing is probably not unusual.
Just got back from a visit to Mom and also saw my Dad (they live in different states). Dad is blind for all practical purposes and lives with my brother’s family. Mom is hitting her 4th year in AL this November. Bro hasn’t been to see Mom for 5 months, I go around every 6 to 8 weeks. (end background if you haven’t read the whole thread).
First thing Mom did was ask him when could she go home, she would get in the car. With me, she doesn’t ask any more. It breaks his heart. She was extremely frail 6 months ago, now has bounced back, gained weight and I think she will be around physically for 4 more years. She knew me and my brother-in-law (she hadn’t seen him for a year). Didn’t know my brother until he spoke because he grew a (stupid, older sister editorial) beard. He looks more like a goat than himself
Dad is a wonderful person, fully engaged in living as much as he can, super sharp mind, but he has gotten thin. I am not sure he will last the winter. He came with Bro to visit home town to see cousin and nieces. He lost his sister, BIL, and his cousin’s wife just since this summer. He said he will probably never see home again and he won’t be around to go to the gravestone setting ceremony.
I can’t stand either one’s situation. It helps to have this community.
H got sick and D2 had massive amounts of homework, so we postponed our visit to Mom and Dad until next Sunday. As usual, I’m conflicted – I want to see them, but I’m not looking forward to the visit. Does that even make sense?
That absolutely makes sense, NerdMom. I think everyone who’s been through the aging parent experience would agree. A visit is no longer just a social thing, but involves medical, financial, and housing decisions along with the frustration and angst that goes along with those decisions.
Completely understandable. So hard to wear both hats and switch between roles, child and manager. Plus our own emotions. Add that most of us grope our way through this.
Completely understandable. I dreaded visits. But once I had them, I was instantly grateful and relieved. And exhausted. I felt very guilty. But after my dad passed, I hung onto the grateful part and dropped the rest of it. Living isn’t for sissies, according to a very badly paraphrased sentiment.
@NerdMom88 Absolutely understandable. I broke down with my daughter the other day as she kept on finding reasons not to visit. I told her the visits were for me so I didn’t feel so alone. I know it’s hard and the role of the caregiver is often isolating.
It is painful to see deterioration in our loved elders and heartbreaking when they want things we can’t provide (like turning back the clock). Aging is definitely not kind when folks live on and on but want things to be as they were. So many of us are on this journey and dread being the one who IS the burden in the future.
Important article in the NY times for anyone with an elder receiving therapy: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/13/health/medicare-coverage-denial-improvement.html?mabReward=CTM&moduleDetail=recommendations-1&action=click&contentCollection=Television®ion=Footer&module=WhatsNext&version=WhatsNext&contentID=WhatsNext&src=recg&pgtype=article
Wow, thanks @arabrab. A really important article.
This ‘Failure to Improve’ is going to be a tough nut to crack. Thanks for the link. I imagine AARP will help with the fight.
H’s darling Aunt was a fighter, and after a stroke worked very hard to improve, and got back to her Assisted Living. Never could pull this ‘failure to improve’ on her! She later had complications with CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) but was too frail for aggressive treatment. She died peacefully at age 96. Two other of her sisters died at 93 and 94 (good for that generation); two living sisters are over 90 now, and MIL is 87. One sister died of a heart attack at age 77; another had heart issues but survived a number of smaller heart attacks before succumbing at age 89. One brother died in an accident young. There is one living brother, age 75; the other brothers died at age 79, 82, and 83.