@rockymtnhigh wise words - a mantra for all dealing with elderly issues
“It is the illness”
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I went to see my Dad on Friday. He started in again about the bank again, I told we could go IF we came straight back and IF he didn’t bring any cash back. He agreed so we went today and it went smoothly. I found out that he has a safe deposit box and we found out his account wasn’t linked to his trust so we need to work on that.
@tx5athome, that sounds great! And your discoveries at the bank will be a big help in the future, I am sure.
@tx5athome - great to be aware of the safety deposit box. Good to ask the bank about what their specific requirements are for you or designated family members to access it. DH went through crazy steps with siblings and step-siblings to allow access to all; then was told the paperwork had changed and it needed to be re-done, which he learned only accidentally by going there with an elder. No one was notified despite the errant paper work on file.
Even harder if you don’t know about the box…
Your father is lucky to have your support and help.
That reminds me, I don’t think I have “permission” at the bank to access the safe deposit box. Something to work on. My father can walk to the bank and make a pest of himself. Fortunately, the bank is aware of him, his cognitive status, and have my number.
"wise words - a mantra for all dealing with elderly issues
“It is the illness” "
Be careful. That can become an excuse for illegal behavior or a reason to ignore real issues.
When a Spouse Dies, Resilience Can Be Uneven
Even those who seem fine often experience significant declines in specific aspects of physical and emotional health.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/27/well/family/when-a-spouse-dies-resilience-can-be-uneven.html
I wanted to pass on an update to you. Most of you will recall we moved MIL & FIL from their home through various levels of assisted care. MIL died.
FIL was nearly impossible to deal with from the time he moved out of the home until MIL died. He was calling many times a day (15-25 some days) perseverating on issues, mad at us, but seeming to be mostly himself. Once she died, he went downhill fast, he has horrid short term memory and no sense of time. Once again, he was hiding his actual condition. We definitely gave more credence to his requests and opinions because he gave the impression of still having his faculties. Within a month of MIL dying it was apparent that he had lost a great deal more capability than we had realized & he ended up getting kicked out of assisted living.
If you have a parent who is being their worst version of themselves, being highly demanding, I would suggest considering whether he/she is desperately hiding some level of decline. Had we been aware how much of his behavior was a desire to hang on and control and hide the decline, we could have more effectively addresses his needs and made him happier (and us!)
Even now, he goes on and on about a complaint, and if you dig, 20 minutes later you figure out that what he is complaining about is not the real complaint, he is demanding his perceived solution to an issue that, in reality, will not be solved by his solution, leading him to apoplectic frustrations when he does not get the hidden result. We kids are trying to dig deal into each complaint so we can help him with the real problem.
@somemom, you’ve really had a hard time, I’m sorry to hear of his continued decline. It does sound like he is trying to get back in control of his life after he has lost the ability to do things, and it really hurts to watch. But since you know the situation now, I hope you can find ways to placate him and make him feel “heard”, without actually trying to chase down all the emergencies he creates.
The best news for us is that he does not have a phone in his room at the new place, he has to have the caregiver bring him the house phone, it’s heaven to not have him calling constantly. He is well cared for, has frequent visitors, and we kids take turns checking in, though with his loss of time, he feels like no one visits him 
Sad to say, but since MIL’s death, a great deal of insane intensity has disappeared from our lives because FIL is apparently no longer fixated on and panicking about MIL.
@somemom keep a log of who sees him on what date, available so it can be shown to him when he complains that no-one is seeing him.
@somemom, has an antidepressant been considered? It really helped the despair my dad felt as he lost his independence.
He’s been on an anti depressant since last spring, it does help somewhat. He is pretty stable now & the memory issues actually help him be less belligerent since he knows he has problems
@somemom . Those are wise words to think that sometimes there are hidden agenda’s in actions. I realized (finally) that my Mom would pick fights to deflect from an issue she didn’t want to talk about. She used to be more slick with it, actually. It was when she couldn’t pull it off that I became more aware of more of her real issues.
@SOSConcern , I think the log for the peace of mind for children is a good idea. I don’t agree with showing it to FIL to “convince” him of anything. If his brain doesn’t remember visits then TO HIM, they didn’t happen. And rubbing his nose in the fact doesn’t help and actually may make him feel worse. However, it is reassuring to log so that anyone else who might need reassurance can be convinced with “evidence”.
I know, when I logged trips to see my Mom, I assured my DH that I wasn’t going up “every week” (when it was every 4 to 6 weeks). And reassured myself that I was not neglecting either of them. And then when it came to my guardian reports, I had the details, but that was a side benefit.
Instead of ‘confrontational’ it is just like, “oh Susie saw you yesterday and we saw you three days ago!”
Someone that realizes they do have memory issues may stop accusing family of neglecting him.
My Dad doesn’t forget who visits–I see him almost every day and my brother comes once or twice a year. He lives in an assisted living facility and is generally very happy there.
Yet sometimes he will say things like “They say they make the bed here but most days they don’t do it.” If I argue with him he accuses me of always sticking up for the staff. (Guilty!) I can’t just let it go or he thinks they aren’t doing their job and goes on and on about it. I’ve learned to tell him that if we want to complain we have to say specific days that the bed isn’t made and I tell him I will mark on his calendar any days where it doesn’t happen. He is self aware enough that if the calendar shows it isn’t really a problem then he is OK. This has happened with other issues like whether or not they give him his medicine every day. That one they never forget! But it took writing it on the calendar to prove it to him.
I agree with SOS that if he were a little more confused this whole exercise might be pointless.
My mother forgets that we visit, and someone is there every day. We resorted to putting a sticker on her calendar for two reasons - it shows her what day it is and that someone was there the prior day.
One irritating thing is a younger friend of hers who will visit and ask over and over again if we are visiting. it gets mom a bit confused.
Calendars can be a great tool. You can get a big laminated one and write on it with a dry-erase marker. Good idea to note visitors on it.