I can send you a pm if you’re interested. I really liked everything except those aspects. The guides were excellent, as were the drivers, hotels and food (just WAY too much food).
@HImom- over the years when we used tours they were for just a few half day trips and hotel and air included and the rest was on our own. ItaliaAir for Italy, Quantas for New Zealand and Australia, Taratours for Peru offered them and we were very satisfied. But that was years ago so not sure about now. I am certain that the flights were much cheaper with qantas than if we would have purchased them on our own. And I know the beautiful places we stayed in Peru we would not have been able to get on our own. We got the names from Frommers guides. I have seen people on all inclusive tours with one on one with elderly and meals included. That said, if I was going to China or Africa or India I think I would use the all inclusive. We are about to head to Japan on our own to visit D2 in a semester abroad there.
I am now back from my mothers funeral (94) and able to get back to a routine. It is a statement of her age that very few people came to her funeral, as all her original family and friends were deceased. As executor I have some work to do but it is a lot easier since we already had sold her house and belongings a year ago.
Social Security death benefit, is it easier to have the widower file the claim, which means the son does all the work and get a sig or can the son file the benefit request on behalf of Dad, if SS does have anyone appointed as ok to deal with ‘stuff’?
In my experience, Social Security had already been notified by the time we called right after my dad’s death. My mom received the death benefit ($250) pretty quickly, but had to have a phone interview (scheduled about 6 weeks later) before she got his benefits in lieu of hers. It was pretty easy.
If funeral directors are given the Social Security number, they often notify SS.
Just returned from impromptu elder care trip 1500 miles away. MiL (93) took a big turn for the worse and we needed to see her, ground care going forward, and support her amazing, competent and delightful husband. Adult kids insisted on joining us for a couple of days, even before we could assess her condition. In case anyone else faces this, it was the best thing ever that they could see their grandmother, bring her joy, and exchange loving words.She rallied for them and now we all have that time forever; also, in some non-verbal way, it may have validated for MiL that the time is winding down and she could let go of her heroic efforts to navigate daily challenges . The situation medically is complex, pretty dire and hopefully won’t be prolonged, for her sake. We were immediately glad that no one waited for us to be “advance scouts”, as she was much less present after the kids left and we were still there. Their instincts were spot on.
My dad has been in the Memory Care Assisted Living for two months. He seems to be settling in. We had a good week. We still have a lot of hurdles. But he isn’t packing his bags anymore and today I took him to his old office to clean it out and he wants me to put up some of the pictures we took up on the walls in his room. On the not so positive note he is afraid to shower (maybe is showering once a week), and he has decided to grow a beard because he isn’t allowed to have a regular razor and he doesn’t like the electric razor.
[qoute]The situation medically is complex, pretty dire and hopefully won’t be prolonged
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This would depend on her husband. I hope one of the kids is working with him and giving him emotional support to make medical decisions.
Just mailed feedback to the travel agency. My friend with a PHD in rehabilitation believes from the description that the man in our tour probably had Parkinson’s, with the shuffling gait and unsteadiness when walking. She said she’d be very concerned about liability aspects that the agency was exposed to in accepting customers who need so much assistance. She believes a case could be made to hold the agency liable if someone from the tour group is injured assisting as well as the frail passenger who may also be injured. Per her suggestion, I did mention this in my comments.
GTalum- all the family is on the same page; the page she would want them on. Timing, well, that is not always in our hands…Her husband is beloved and his point of view important (as well as on pointe), though he is relieved to not be her health proxy. He gets it, as well as our love and support. Lots of gratitude for family unity.
My dad can walk very slowly and poorly with a cane but I had to help him get out of the shower the other day. Not sure what to do about that, none of us want a full-time aide but we can’t exactly hire someone to be there once per week for an hour while he gets in and out of the shower (and it was FOUR weeks from the last shower last week!).
However - a question for those with more experience: How do you handle payment for caregiving/expenses of taking care of your loved one at home? For example, it’s much easier for me to order things for him online than have him shop for the due to his limited mobility. He wanted to give me $1,000 and then when it runs out, he would give me more money. I’m thinking that if we document carefully, it would not count towards the gift tax, but then again, it would count as income? Or would it not count as income as the money is strictly for his expenses - that I pay for with my credit card and am being reimbursed for?
Also is there a way to figure out his part of room and board? He wants to pay, so that’s not an issue, but we want to be fair. Is there a point where it is really counted as my income and I have to report it? Or if it is less than the gift tax amount, we are fine essentially?
Assuming your Dad is still with it mentally, why not be on a joint account and just pay his bills via his account?
Regarding paying a share of room and board, if roommates pay expenses together, then that money is not income so I don’t see what it would be income to you, just off the top of my head.
@juniebug, I meant to respond sooner, but don’t most stroke patients need intensive PT? Can your sister do that?
Hoping for the best for all your family.
@rhandco , sorry I am too lazy to go back and look and I get people mixed up very easily (IRL, too! but worse here) I think your dad moved in with you? For my dad, who moved in with my brother, we asked the tax preparer because Dad was writing $3000 a month to my brother, which Dad considered rent, but bro was worried about income. Tax guy said it was “sharing in household expenses as a resident”. Thus no income to bro and additionally, no deduction for Dad. Rent isn’t deductible anyway so no loss there. Same with the $600 he writes every so often to SIL for “groceries”. He doesn’t calculate any expenses he causes (and it would be LOTS less than $3000 a month if he did), he just pays basically his entire pension over to bro and lives on his SS money. Not a lot of expenses anymore either, except for grandkids birthdays!
For expenses, I use Mom's credit card (actually my credit card on her trust account) to buy her stuff on-line. You might want to get one, but him getting a debit card for you to use would work, too. For money I spend, I have to keep track both for social security and for guardian reports. I can, for example, count my hotel when I go visit her in her town. I have non-reimbursed expenses category. I could put in for reimbursement and did that the first year when I was up there for long stretches. Now I keep track, but do not ask for money back unless it is over $1000. Long-winded reply, but NO, money you spend (even groceries for your dad) are not income to him or taxed as income to you when he pays you back. Rules are very clear when you have a guardianship, but are also clear when you are sharing a house.
realized late this is an x-post.
Or have access to one of his credit cards or open one just for your spending for him and scrupulously limit it to this… Have the online purchase accounts in his name, a unique user id. Then it’s all sorted, from the get-go. You won’t have to go back and extract from your online account what you ordered for him versus you.
Also don’t think his paying a share of expenses for living in your home is a gift to you. You find a fair amount for him to pay. This could include utilities that go up with an addl resident. You can certainly under-charge him. Not income.
Feeling sad, nothing to be done. Just is the time of year that drags a bit because of Mom. She adored the holidays and was the hostess for most family feasts, both sides came to our house. She loved a party. Now, the RN really recommended against my taking her to my aunt’s funeral, so there is no way she can come to either my house or bro’s house. No one wants to disrupt their entire holiday to travel to see her for an hour. (driving 7 hr one way for 1/2 hr visit is tough). I am going up to see her right after voting, since I have some business to take care of. The excuse of leaving her in her home town is wearing thin since none of her friends come see her and she wouldn’t recognize them if she did. I was sure last Thanksgiving would be her last since she was on hospice. Since then she rallied, physically, and they got off in July. She is continuing steady, hasn’t fallen for a long time, but has more days of more confused.
My husband would go ballistic if I moved her nearer to me. Long story, but I am pretty certain of it and I don’t really blame him. My bro is already housing my dad and has that responsibility, so having Mom closer to him (we ALL agree that we could not provide in-home care, she needs the 24/7 support staff) but even having her closer would be a burden on HIS marriage.
So Mom will be with strangers on the holidays. They will come and go and maybe she will notice and maybe not. But it makes me sad. really sad. Driven home by seeing BIL in the same mental state, with only one son, who has slacked off on visiting and the grandkids (in the SAME town) haven’t stopped over to see him since May. I really sounded judgmental, but in my own head I don’t mean to be. If Mom were in the same town, would I visit every day or once a week? Glad I don’t have to decide. Once a month-ish trip is hard enough to choose to suck it up.
@esobay I don’t have any good answers but I am sorry this is so hard. Hugs.
Esobay, I can understand that maybe he thinks you would spend even more time with her if she were local. And/or be running over there in the middle of the night. Plus any stress he sees all this causes you.
But is there a shot at, at least, moving her closer so that when you do go, this is easier on you? It’s got to be debilitating to drive 7 hours and then back. What if she were 2-3 hours away? Even if you visit her an extra time or two, the total hours on you could still be less.
@esobay–sorry for what you are going through. No easy answer…
@esobay where your mother is now, is it a place that cannot easily be replicated closer to you? My mother spent the last 2 years of her life in an assisted living in her home town. After a long hard look at reality, there is no way I could find a closer to me place (1500 miles) that could replicate the care and tolerate her. She fit into society there. Her sisters in law visited once a week. She had dementia. After I would visit I would call her and she would say I have not been there in a long time and to come visit . Her time line was gone. I found calling her and talking to the nurses helpful. When I did visit it was flying in and staying a few days at a hotel and seeing her daily.
esobay, would it make you happier if you had a “Thanksgiving” and/or a “Christmas” with your mother, maybe just you and her, or maybe involve a few other people or even caregivers, that were not on the day? If she is demented she might not know which day is Christmas.
Thanks for the sympathy and suggestions everyone; it really does help. I should have put it in the Say it here thread because I was just whining. whine whine whine.
@lookingforward yes, that is the problem in a nut shell. And part of my “what if” thoughts would be to move her closer, but it would be across state lines, new Dr. and new facility. At least I know what to expect from this one and it is a good one. She is doing fine there for the definition of fine that includes dementia and them not cutting her fingernails between my visits… But also moving people in this stage is often a death sentence, I had enough worries about moving her to memory care last February within the same facility, I DID almost move her closer then, but chose not to do it, so I think I will stick to that choice. And if she was closer to me, she’d be farther from my brother, and what would happen if something happened while DH and I are traveling. We spent a month in Italy this year and are planning New Zealand next year. So now, bro can get there in the same 7 hours (driving) that I can… if I am home. If I am off and he then has to drive to fill in, it iis tough to make him drive longer.
@rockymtnhigh , yes, she doesn’t know when people visited her last. in two minutes she would say she never sees anyone. She does “fit” into the community where she is. Having just seen BIL in a much much more horrible place in a different state, she is lucky and good where she is. I still call her every day, even though some days I am doing all the talking while she can’t think of some words or anything to say. When she CAN talk, it isn’t any easier because then she seems to talk about her mom and dad just visiting… they have been dead 40 and 25 years. Now I just roll with it and say I hope they had a good visit. No point in corrections because it doesn’t hurt anything really if she thinks that.
@CF, We have been doing a “fair” job of having holidays with her and with family on a different day. I had a nearby nephew take her out near to TG last year. And the year before we had lots of her grandkids who were able to stop by and brought her stuff to unwrap. I am just whining because it won’t work this year and I have the “what is the point” of trying to “make Christmas” when she doesn’t know who is making Christmas for her. She might as well celebrate with the aides. It is just that I was pretty sure last year would be the last one when I had to navigate it. She had been falling a lot and losing weight. Now she isn’t falling and has gained weight back. So all the pants I got her for Christmas had to be replaced with the bigger model. It is OK really for her… I am whining for ME!!