RMH, I am sorry for your loss. My father passed away in his sleep and we were all grateful for that. I think it’s how we all want to go.
RMH, sorry to hear about your mom.
Well, my dad is on his way to changes being forced. He is in tiptop shape except for one thing which happened about a week ago - his back is pretty bad which makes walking very difficult and wobbly - no fall but he said he “twinged it” when looking for something (probably bending down more than he should have, but he doesn’t admit it). We got freaked he would fall or hurt himself more and not get help soon enough, and even though he has one of those medical alert systems including fall detection, we decided he should be with one of us for the time being.
That one of course is me of all the siblings. It’s funny, but my dad living here isn’t that much of an issue, but my siblings keep calling and calling, and “thanking me” yet I’ve only committed to a few days at least, a few weeks at most. One even said “you should sell the house so he has to move out” since my dad’s house has stairs. Yet my house has some stairs too…
I never imagined that my siblings might be the bigger problem than the day to day of helping my dad live at my house. One even said “we can switch him between our houses every two weeks” yet that brother lives 90 minutes away from me and further than that from my dad’s house. Nonsensical in this situation. Moving him back and forth would be more trouble than keeping him. I guess at least my dad could stay with that brother if our family goes on vacation and my father is not up to accompanying us.
Right now, my father lives with us, and he’s mobile enough to be taken to his house to grab a few things every day or two. But someone has to start making hard decisions.
He says he doesn’t want to live with my two brothers who live closest and who are most involved with him. He says he is fine living with me “for now”. He thinks he can get a nephew to stay with him and help out, but now he really needs someone to keep track of his meals and that he drinks enough water.
How do we know when the decision point is? I really don’t think counseling would be a good idea, unless maybe a gerontologist would be able to both see him medically and make recommendations about where/how he should live?,
(BTW, I do have medical and financial POA, so if my dad and I decide something, we or even I can do it, and my siblings have no legal recourse, though obviously there are emotional ties. The medical and financial POA were REALLY REALLY helpful when my dad went to the ER FYI.)
@rhandco, sounds like you have started off pretty well. I don’t have anything to say what is the tipping point, but I am glad you have lots of documentation and sibling support in place. Maybe from what I have read, start an email chain or an on-line diary so that all the sibling hear how it is going day to day. And do make plans for breaks. Even if siblings are making (unworkable) suggestions, give them consideration and positive feedback because sometimes there will be a diamond in the rough so to speak. Massive good luck vibes and an extra hug for your dad. I rarely comment on my dad, being responsible for Mom (Dad lives with Bro) I need to acknowledge bro a LOT more. Even though my dad is the nicest one ever and not really a bother… however, he is almost blind completely now and is there to worry about.
Just venting, but I find myself getting really annoyed at my sister. She lives an hour away, but it might as well be 10 hours. She makes a big deal of what a pain it is to drive down and back when she comes (maybe once a month), but seems to have no idea how much time DAILY I am putting in.
@tx5athome, vent away! The collateral damage of my in-laws’ dementia has been the effect on the relationships between their kids. My H was in tears on learning of the death of his uncle, who also had dementia. I was surprised by H’s reaction, as I didn’t think they were especially close. Turns out H was crying because he felt so guilty that upon learning of his uncle’s death, his first thought was “why not one of my parents?”. It is emotionally and physically exhausting.
@tx5athome I know how much time you put in DAILY. When you are there and when you are not there. It’s a 24/7 thing. Your sister is your sister. Chances are, she’s always been like this to some extent. It’s about her, not really about anyone else. Maybe she’s having a hard time dealing with this. Maybe she’s having a hard time with some other aspect in her life. But, that doesn’t really help you or this situation.
My advice… even though you didn’t ask for it. First, hug yourself. You are awesome and do not let anyone ever tell you or make you think differently. Second, get over your sister. You know what she’s able to do/not do. So you can’t rely on her in any way that impacts what you do. It’s not fair. It’s not right. But it is what it is. She’s taking energy from you that you need for yourself and your parent. And you have to break that outflow of energy. Smile. Nod your head. And move on.
(My sister was similar. Swore up and down how much she wanted to help with my father. When the time came for her to possibly assume his care (my H was possibly being transferred out of state), she told me that it “wasn’t a good time” for her and that she couldn’t. That would mean I’d move my family … and my father. I said to myself right then and there that I was done with her offers of help. It was CRYSTAL clear. This was something I had grown up with and knew was lurking in the background. I had hoped that when it was something as important as our father that it would be different. In hindsight, I really knew it wouldn’t be. I love my sister. But I know I cannot rely on her.)
Surround yourself with people who know and understand and support what you do daily. They are the ones who will give you strength and respite. The ones who don’t know, can’t know, won’t know what you go through. Well, take their complaints/issues/concerns with a grain of salt. Smile. Nod your head and get away from whatever the complaint/topic is as soon as possible.
Hugs.
It is time for mil to be in a nursing home. Past time, actually. Four out of five siblings agree. The holdout has taken mom into her own home and is adamant that we not spend a dime more than necessary for her care. Pretty sure her focus is preserving assets. Mil is physically like a quadriplegic, as she can’t independently move her limbs or hold up her head. Best case, SIL thinks she can make mom comfortable, even though she lives alone in a row house with no car. Worst case, she could be planning to try to wrest control of mom’s (modest) assets and prerogatives. We are moving forward with applications to nursing homes, and are anticipating having to remove mom under the guise of going to a doctor’s appt.
None of us are happy about doubting sil’s motives, but there is a lot of history and she is savvy about “working” the system. Any advice is welcomed.
@juniebug who has the medical POA?
@juniebug … do it sooner rather than later. And if your MIL can’t hold up her head, call in hospice. They will do a great evaluation and provide support for all of you. If your MIL can’t move her limbs, then bed sores are a likely outcome, do not hesitate to call adult protective services in your area. One person cannot take care of someone who can’t move themselves. Your MIL should not be made to suffer just so siblings don’t have to fight one.
and hugs, sorry this is hard and really bad news.
@Twicer, her youngest son has all POA, but I expect he will pass it to my DH who is the backup. DH is much better suited to dealing with the situation.
@esobay, we are taking her to her doctor tomorrow, which will be at least a 5 hour ordeal. Hoping SIL will come with us because we will need the help, but she’s unpredictable. She is a minimalist and disdains car ownership and air conditioning. I offered to buy a baby monitor so she could hear mom (who will be sleeping on a couch downstairs) when she is asleep upstairs. No thanks. It would annoy her, she said.
I have identified 3 nursing homes that I like, and I hope DH will be able to complete the applications tonight. None of these places admit to having empty beds until they see her financials. I think it’s going to work out, but I’m feeling up in the air right now.
@rockymtnhigh , sorry for your loss.
@juniebug , you are keeping your MIL’s health and comfort front and center in your planning, (and I see you are the one doing the leg work, sounds like a DIL’s job to me!), so stay strong and calm and focused on your DH and his mom. If only we knew when we got married how screwed up everyone else’s family is!
@MomofJandL, if we knew how screwed up everyone else’s family was, we’d NEVER get married 
Thank you all for your support. In a strange turn of events my brother relinquished the coexecutor duty to me. I had offered to do it alone or with him but wanted involved. I don’t mind at all since with my experience this past year with two of H’s executor roles I feel ready. Different state but same stuff. It should be fairly simple as the house and belongings had already been done.
Thanks @esobay, we are doing our best.
To echo @tx5athome , we’re finding that my siblings and other relatives are driving us nuts much more than my dad living here is. My dad is very pleasant and thankful (but just went on a Medrol pack so wish us luck he doesn’t flip out like some elderly do on steroids), and doesn’t need to get tons of interaction. He luckily still can hobble up and down stairs, but clearly can’t take care of a bunch of things himself now.
My one brother is helping a lot - since I teach college, either I can take my dad to an appointment and take him back to my home or I need help. He has met me at doctor’s offices and also talked to some relatives for me. My spouse has been great, he had to leave work early to get the kids home since I was with my dad. One day I was driving or at doctor’s appointments for 8 hours…
The other ones, I talked to them and one wants to be very involved but goes bonkers if I or my helpful brother wants to take charge. Others won’t lift a finger, I’m happy for those who at least thank me for taking in my dad.
I have medical POA and overall POA and it has been a lifesaver. I can’t imagine how hard it would have been without it. Some places want a copy of the POA document, some don’t, and I keep it in my car at all times. I understand that even if there is an alternate named, they don’t have any power unless I can’t be POA?
Now, if we could get the one grandchild to not ask him for money when he is fighting a health issue (she is newly married AND her parents have way more money than my dad)…
Just came back from a tour. It was 11 nights from HI thru Taiwan. Several of those in our group of 30 honestly needed attendants to help them and did NOT have them. They were confused, very slow, unsteady had on their feet and easily lost. They brought more luggage than they could handle and one needed a wheelchair at several of the sites.
It was a good thing our guide was strong and had the energy to carry the excess luggage the frail travelers insisted on carrying (tho they couldn’t manage it and should have sent it off with a he bus), herd the frail ines and lead the group. Several of us stepped up from time to time but no one wanted to be permanent caretakers for our vacations. That part was a bit of a drag. The medically frail were in denial about their limitations and stamina and wanted to be included in everything, tho they were unable to keep up.
@juniebug , how was the Dr visit?
@Himom, sounds terrible. I am surprised that the tour company didn’t have a way to slide them off.
@rhandco … re the giving money, my dad made a large (to us anyway) cash gift to all his grandkids (9) two years ago. Everyone did thank him (eventually). None of the grandkids expected another gift like that (and it won’t happen because he emptied his savings account pretty much). … but one of the married one’s wife had suggestions for how she would spend “the next gift”. I really didn’t believe my ears. This was also the one who had no hesitation grabbing when we put Mom’s costume jewelry out one time many of the grand-girls were in town when we first were putting Mom into AL. I was going to garage sale what wasn’t taken, so told them to help themselves. and for the ones there to pick something for the ones not able to be there. My D and nieces slowly were talked into one or two pieces, niece in law took 20. urk urk. That is the sort of stuff I kept saying to myself that it didn’t matter and in the LOOONG view it doesn’t matter. In 5 years, who cares. It has been 4 years, so I only have one more to get over it! LOL.
HImom, i know of several people whose ability to walk had either totally failed or was nearly gone and they all perseverated about doing things, like wanting to drive “give me my keys” or " don’t leave the wheelchair out, I would need someone to help, just leave me my walker" (person cannot even stand) etc. It’s weird how so many people just don’t see themselves as they have become.
Yes, and many on the trip were VERY overweight but just felt they would be a bit better if they lost maybe 20 pounds (really needed to lose 50-100 or more). On the trip most gained even more weight as there were about 10 or more courses per meal and huge portions.
We are supposed to write evaluations. I’m trying to figure out how to tactfully mention some of these issues–maybe medical clearances and the tour company should mention roughly how many steps per day (average) the trip will entail, so people can self-select. They didn’t mention 10,000 steps per day until the orientation, which was after everyone had already fully paid and committed. I think they should rate the trips on how much walking to expect so folks can plan accordingly.
I give our guides credit–they really worked hard to help all our out-of-shape and fragile debilitated folks. It has made me reconsider whether to go back to independent travel instead of tour groups. This is the 2nd tour we have ever done.
@esobay… Doctor says mil has had another stroke. She is entirely helpless now. If it weren’t so pitiful, it would have been funny watching DH and his sister trying to move mil from the wheelchair into the car. We won’t be doing that again. SIL is doing a nice job caring for mom, as far as we can tell. But she is also a difficult person and the other siblings don’t completely trust her. My DH insisted on being given a key to her house.
@HImom , would you feel comfortable naming the tour company? We did a group tour a few years ago with Overseas Adventure Tours and were worried about being too old…turned out we were by far the youngest but everyone was fit and hiked everywhere at the same speed.