Oh my, I just realized that I posted Wednesday but not my FIL update
FIL died Tuesday night. He had been congested and stopped eating solids over the weekend, but was still drinking ensure and frappacinos. He knew when people were there, but could not really talk. He had many visitors over the weekend, it was kind of impressive how many people called and told me how they had just been there in the past few days.
When we called over the weekend, he could not be understood over the phone. It was time, he was nearly 97.
And as I told DH, he was too afraid to see who would be president to stay around one more day!
Condolences, somemom. But how nice people visited and he knew they were there.
Sending condolences to your family, somemom. I hope the good memories are healing.
you were right about the furniture. We had professional estate sale ladies come in and clear out stuff after the grandkids took whatever they wanted (only one took furniture, most took a few dishes). Entire event brought $20,000 but that included yards and yards of material Mom had hoarded and clothes sold for 5¢ but there were LOTS. And I hauled stuff to auctions in the big (San Francisco) city because we’d been told how valuable some stuff was. Worth hauling I guess, but at least one tenth (and sometimes more) of the value we had heard about . There was also $20,000 worth of donations that they were able to convince the thrift shops to take. But there was also stuff left that looked like it had value that no place would take and when it didn’t vanish after being left on the curb a day… off to the dump. Or in one case, I gave it to the cousin that had been so bent out of shape at Mom years ago. She is a lot older than me and always had a bit of a chip on her shoulder, so I didn’t hear any thanks. But whatever, I did what I could.
I am STILL (and it has been 4 years) trying to clean out and downsize our stuff. It IS just STUFF.
Wow! I think $20k is great for an estate sale. And I agree, nothing like an estate sale to make you realise, nobody needs more ‘stuff’
It sounds as though your father-in-law had a somewhat comfortable last few days, @somemom. I hope you and the rest of your family are doing okay in the wake of his death.
@somemom- condolences on the death of your father-in-law. Best to you and your family in the days ahead.
@somemom - so sorry for you your loss.
So sorry for your family’s loss @somemom
Condolences to you and your family somemom.
Ha ha, since the retirement community has a but to bring residents to vote, DH and I were trying to think of strategies to distract them from voting (we are in a swing state). It ends up we just let the cards play out. I don’t think my folks had the executive function to catch one of those buses.
FIL and MIL are still in their home, getting by, but with only one family member 1 hour away (and all else farther) and their reluctance to have hired help come in - they do use meals on wheels…
DD and fiance’ are visiting; another grandchild is visiting - so everyone takes over the chores and lifts FIL/MIL’s spirits. MIL is mentally slipping and fatigue is major; she is just worn out after many years of working much harder than she should have had to. FIL had some strokes that could have been prevented (carotid artery on one side was so blocked that surgeon was shocked any blood got through). Both families have longevity, but they probably won’t age beyond some of their siblings/elders due to medical situation and perhaps not taking as good care of themselves - diet, exercise.
I think when one goes, the other will be doing something different. Our home or their local care facility. None of the others are willing to take one of them in, IMHO.
I still own a piece of land that will be a long way out to sell left from family estate (able to close out the trust after parents’ home sold) - price was deducted from cash I received (my way of taking some responsibility where I did not live close to help in other areas). We were fortunate dad was a good businessman and parents’ health care needs really didn’t tap down their resources.
H and I are working on staying very healthy and active.
@SOSConcern, I think you are right to start thinking of what to do next. The problem is that there are so many variables.
Agree with @rockymtnhigh --good to start thinking/planning now, but so many variables that it is almost impossible to map out a course of action until you are in the midst of the ‘crisis’. That is assuming that the elderly do not want to move into an assisted living facility that offers stepped up levels of care.
I was very involved in my father’s care in the months before he died, and some days it felt like triage, not knowing which issue to address first. Then, once an arrangement had been made, his status changed, and new care providers were needed (or new facility or enhancements to existing location, etc). My mother is now declining, but wants to remain in her home as long as possible. It is a challenge, but nothing compared to some of the stories I have read here.
So true about the variables.
H and I have our estate planned some, but do need to get with an attorney here to make it all go really smoothly. Just got over a hurdle about potential out of state job move (which thankfully didn’t happen). One wants everything worked out in the state of primary residence.
No one is guaranteed tomorrow.
One does like to have thinking/planning so one does not feel there is a crisis when something untoward happens.
When I was in stage III cancer, and my mother was in the last stages of dementia (my dad had passed from cancer 15 years earlier), I just operated day by day. Tried to keep things calm for DDs who were in 8th and 10th grade at the time of my cancer onset, and a year older when my mother passed. When brother had the estate sale (750 miles from my home), I was still in cancer treatment, but was able to save some of mom and dad’s treasures which siblings didn’t want due to their circumstances. When I was on the couch many nights, I would feel my parents’ spiritual presence, and know they are pleased that we have some of their treasures to pass down to DDs.
Any tips on showering? My Dad is in Memory Care assisted living. They will help him shower, but he doesn’t want them to. In the meantime he isn’t showering. When questioned he says he will tomorrow. He says the water spraying on him is scary and he is afraid of slipping when he gets out. He actually has forgotten the name “shower” and calls it the place that is warm where the water goes on you". When I suggest the staff help him, he says he doesn’t want them to see him naked. I think it has been at least two weeks since his last shower and a month or more since he last washed his hair.
tx5athome, is there a chair for him to sit on in the shower? Grab bars? Shower slippers? Maybe he doesn’t know about safety features that will help. You can tell him that he can wash himself sitting on the chair and then they can give him a towel to cover himself up while they help him get out.
I laughed a little about the place that is warm where the water goes on you. My dad once had a terrible time remembering the words for toilet paper and finally blurted out “butt wipes!” Sometimes you just have to laugh so you don’t cry.
Hugs!
My ex-in-laws have gone years without showers. Yuck.
@tx5 … what do your state laws say? Where Mom is, there is a requirement for showers. As to how they get it done, especially with mostly YOUNG women for aides helping older men THAT is a real problem. At Mom’s place, they kicked out a guy (incontinent so really needed showers) because he refused to get naked with all these girls. They refused to accept the probability of his getting sores or rashes from not showering. I would definitely bring it up with the RN in charge and the executive director.
If he is in Memory Care, there are still levels of care (at least in Mom’s state) Can the level be stepped up where the care plan states that he must be showered once a week (often enough actually). And for Mom, the showers are times when they can inspect for the sores which are easy to get with sitting a lot, in diapers, and unable to shower themselves effectively.
They should be offering a shower chair. And if they are able to help with sponge baths, then actually showering not nearly as often is still OK.
@sos, the greatest gift my mom gave us was having the paperwork and trust done so we could take over her life. Wish I didn’t have to, but having it easy was so so so much better.
@tx5athome - Is there a step into tub with a side door anywhere on the premises? That allows one to get into the tub dry and then have it filled slowly. Bubbles provide coverage. Also, sponge bathes have their place. If he is modest, would assistance from a male staff member be better? With a sponge bath, one can be largely covered while things are cleaned one at a time. Does he like music so that it could it be a distraction while someone helped him as he was seated? The AL people should have some ideas to try with him. If they are stuck, is there a skilled nursing memory care unit on premises? They will be accustomed to having resident’s with more advanced dementia where these problems become commonplace and may be able to share some tips.
This is good to sort out because the frailty only increases, as may the resistance. My father is now in skilled nursing memory care, after 8 years in AL. At his place, criteria for remaining in AL includes being able to navigate personal care, often with some level of assistance. Residents who could not manage lavatory issues well while out and about or were seriously malodorous were deemed candidates for the next level of care or private duty help. They place a lot of emphasis on dignity for all. My father moved in anticipation of an uptick in these dilemmas; at a certain point, I didn’t want to wait for the other shoe to drop. So much juggling for all.
All the best with this.
OK, so the staff will help him, but he is oblivious to his condition and wants to be independent. He is completely ambulatory and does not wear diapers. I don’t think he having problems with incontinence, but I am not positive. I actually think it is less about him being naked and more about him having to depend on someone. AND he thinks they are beating him up when they try to force him to do things. The shower is a walk-in shower and there are grab-bars. There is not a walk-in tub that I know of. I am going to bring up the idea of a shower chair with him, but I imagine he will be resistant. The floor is not slippery, but his floor at his house was, so I think the fear goes back to that. I just went to Target and bought 3 more bath mats so we can cover the floor in bath mats. The staff has offered sponge baths but he refuses. He is in Memory Care inside an assisted/senior living facility. They do not have skilled nursing. He is at least changing his clothes on a regular basis, which is an improvement, so maybe we can work on this as well.
What about seeing if, in the shower, he’ll wear one of those short towel wraps that velcros on, for modesty? Many men are used to wrapping a towel in the gym. And could you get a shower attachment (the kind on a hose) so the water can run slowly and not splash against him so forcefully?