@rhandco I can only tell you about my circumstances. My mother was very rude toward nice family - me and my brother. When she had nice daily caregivers come into the house she was rude to them. When she was in the nice assisted living for 2 years until her death she was sweet towards her caregivers and was very cooperative. I was sure she was going to get kicked out as soon as she arrived there. She actually liked it there. The setting was not her home or mine. It was a group of adults that were expected to follow the routine. I realized that this does not happen in all circumstances in the others posts on this thread. So, I understand the dilemma. I always had plan B.
My parents live in a duplex in a CCRC. They were burglarized while they went to the post office to mail a package this morning. I’m thankful they didn’t return while the thieves were still there, but we are frustrated to learn that their supposedly secure, gated community does not have a visitor log or camera footage. This was certainly not the way we wanted them to start deaccessioning things, and I am worried that it will make them choose to stay home more often and thus be less active and connected.
Sorry to hear this, @yauponredux. That is scary and hopefully the CCRC will increase security measures.
How are your parents reacting to it? I wonder if this was an isolated incident or if others there have had similar problems. Might even check with local PD to see if there have been burglary reports filed with the city or town. Sadly, at some elder care facilities, in-house theft may be also be an issue. All the best as you sort this out.
People I know who have been burglarized feel a bit unnerved for awhile. Is there a family group at the facility? Resident organizations? Perhaps people could be mobilized to address this issue.
Thanks, @travelnut; the director of the facility visited them this morning, and my sister (who lives in the same town) will be meeting with the director later today. AFAIK there have been no similar break-ins, but I think communities like this can sometimes be reluctant to spread the word when there are incidents like this for fear of causing panic. When I talked to my mom today, she said they are determined not to let this ruin Christmas, but I know it might be some time before they can fully process what happened. My BIL is helping them with the insurance claim, but of course many of the stolen items are not easily replaced. I had planned a trip there (1200 miles away) for February but may see if I can move it up.
@yauponredux - Good that the director visited them and that your sister is nearby. I agree that some communities may be cautious in alerting others to a potential problem, despite the fact it could be helpful to have staff and residents keeping an extra eye out. There are ways to speak about this without causing panic, though not every facility would pursue it. A police report is likely required for an insurance claim; that could be an effective documentation (and a non-confrontational way to create it) and the police would know if there were other similar reports from this community. This, of course, could happen anywhere.
A trip to the post office usually isn’t too far or long (though who knows in mid-Dec.), yet it makes me wonder if someone watched them leave. Hopefully, the facility staff are keeping their eyes on further securing the properties as well as how your folks are doing. What a shame that they have to go through this. Good that your mother is trying to put it aside to enjoy the holidays. Keeping their peace of mind is important. All the best to your family.
It could be a relative of a resident that is the thief. Need for cameras and better security. I have not looked into having a tiny security camera within the main room coming into apt/residence hooked up 24/7, but those kind of things are available.
I’m in NJ, and they’ve had thieves targeting retirement communities on the news lately. Multiple communities multiple times over the past few months. I think cameras are necessary. My dad has an interior camera in his house that points at his stairs, so if he does fall, we could get a live picture of the house near the most likely locations. We also have outdoor cameras and recording. Honestly, should have gotten them years ago, but they are $50 per month for all of the security, but includes live operators 24/7 and linking to the police and fire.
The “tyranny of the urgent” is a good way to put it. The latest was that he didn’t want to go home because he believed his driveway was snowed in, and though it was 50 degrees out, I had to take a snow shovel with us just in case there was snow. Of course there was zero snow left.
rhandco, maybe he doesn’t want to be alone? Time to talk about some kind of adult community where he could have opportunities at mealtime to be with others? There was a time when my dad was willing to try a place like that but my stepmother balked.
In NYC, NYU has begun a new program to reduce housing costs for students willing to live with a senior citizen. Maybe talk to him about something like that?
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/nov/27/new-york-university-grandmas-spare-room-housing-costs
We had my Dad over for Christmas brunch. It was his first social outing since going into Memory Care in August. The staff tried their best to get him to shower, but were unsuccessful (it has been about two weeks), but he looked nice and had a good time. We gave him non-alcoholic champagne, but he thought it was real. There was a big crowd (20 people). It was painfully obvious how unsteady he has become. The next day I went to visit him. He told me he had a great time and that my mom (who he left 31 years ago) was hitting on him. Lol.
Sweet that you got your dad out, tx5. And that it went well.
I felt bad for my mom because she didn’t get out, but late time she went somewhere, she was terrified. The staff really didn’t think it was a good idea. My brother saw her right before and I am heading up to see her right after NewYears. I am thinking of moving her closer, but usually beat it down. It would be easier for me, not her.
@SOSconcern, did your FIL get showered again?
Did I mention that my Mom had cradle cap kind of stuff in her hair when I last checked on her? Anyone have a clue as to what it is? She DOES still get showered 2x a week and they wash her hair every time. I think it might be a fungus kind of thing, ewwwww. I haven’t had any success in getting the RN to tell me what it was. She said it was from the fever Mom had during the flue, but I don’t believe it. Looked too entrenched.
Does anybody know anything about a medicaid waiver in Florida for in-home care?
My MIL is in a skilled care facility with advanced Parkinson’s (she has medicaid and is fully disabled). She cannot move or do anything on her own. Starting to cough and having trouble eating or talking. My H is going to get hospice soon (so sad). The fantasy part of my brain wishes we could bring her back to her home for the last months and have round-the-clock care. I know it’s a long shot though. When we met with the elder attorney a few years ago she said the in-home care waiver had a very long waiting list.
We no longer live close to her (she’s in south Florida) and my sister-in-law still works full-time plus. So I’m not sure how we’d cover it. I just hate it for her. She is miserable.
If there is something I’m missing please feel free to chime in. TIA
Can’t help with anything Florida, SouthFloridaMom. But sending a hug and advice that I’d get hospice sooner rather than later, they are a big help with everything and everyone, not just the sick person.
Thank you @esobay. Unfortunately we have family members with differing ideas on how to handle things.
I sure as heck do not want to be the daughter-in-law pushing for hospice. 
But my gosh she is suffering. It is awful.
Hospice will be able to help with coordination of care. Does your MIL have a detailed advanced directive on type of medical intervention if any that she would want? If she is now having difficulty swallowing, aspirate pneumonia is a real possibility. Would she want to be treated with antibiotics or to let things progress naturally?
We have a waiver for my mother, but it is in CT and it was an absolute 15 month long nightmare to acquire.
Hospice may have access to obtain a waiver.
Sending hugs.
@esobay, it could be treated with a medicated shampoo. Is she diabetic? Sometimes they are more susceptible to yeast infections. She doesn’t have psoriasis does she?
Thank you @ECmotherx2 . . . she does have advanced directives but we have family who don’t seem to understand what it entails.
It feels like alot of denial going on, and finger-pointing. There is little understanding that she has a terminal illness and it isn’t necessarily going to go out in a peaceful fashion on her own.
I will check into that resource from hospice - really good idea.
Hospice can be a miracle in their respect and care. Understand that it is about the final phases. Your sibs may need some gentle info that explains the philosophy and sort of care. I encounter so many families that admit, “We didn’t realize.” Some regret their own delays.
Hugs.
Unfortunately my sister-in-law believes that hospice is what “killed” her dad, even though he had a major heart attack in his 40s and a quadruple bypass later in life. By the end he was in pretty bad shape any way you look at it.
It is just terrible. I love my SIL so much and don’t want to push her. I know she is coming from a place of love. But her mom is suffering, and it’s not going to get better.
Can you check into Palliative care, not truly hospice as you don’t have to be terminal, but focused on comfort care
SFM, I’ve recently run into a few grievers with the same misunderstanding. (I vol at a hospice facility, plus work with a a couple of bereavement groups.) One insisted they killed his wife (technically, I don’t think so. She had reached the stage of in-facility.) One was astounded this was care related to end of life, thought they would patch up her 90+ yo mom and send her home cured. Etc. Or many think it’s giving up. But it’s about the inevitable transition, making it as comfortable as possible, and as respectful.
Maybe palliative is the way to introduce it. But I’d also ask for the SIL to be present for conversations with the social worker or other liaison to hear their info.
Btw, I am the last person I’d ever think could be involved with all this.