Would your MIL know if she were at home? Who lives there now, and who would coordinate care?
DH wanted to bring FIL home once he transitioned to hospice, but he did not live long enough to work out the logistics. I hope your H and SIL can agree to bring on hospice care soon. Nothing could have been more clear to me than transitioning FIL to hospice, but it surprised me to see how difficult a decision it was for H and sibs.
@ECmotherx2 , thanks, no she doesn’t have diabetes nor psoriasus. I really couldn’t tell where it came from, but the thing bothering me is that I can’t get an answer either! might have been a reaction to her last perm, we still have her hair done because it was so important to Mom to look good. So with it perm’d it looks more styled.
I recalled my friend’s mom who also died of dementia had kind of cradle cap. I cut her hair for her towards the end because although I am NOT fashionistic nor girly, I am twice as girly as my friend. Her mom could hardly speak but made it clear she wanted her hair cut. Her Dad had been giving her baths so her hair was clean, but she also had kind of cradle cap/super thick dandruff. Maybe it is another old age think IDK.
@SouthFloridaMom9 , hard times and hard to watch. Family dynamics are very tricky even in good ones.
Esobay, try Neutrogena T/Sal shampoo. I used it back when I had similar scalp issues. It worked for me.
Here’s a link I found for adult scalp issues…http://www.livestrong.com/article/306935-adult-cradle-cap-treatment/
Meds can reduce natural resistance to that sort of thing. Similar to abdominal issues, when a med affects the good bacteria. Especially in the elderly.
H got FIL into another shower before we left, and I washed the parents’ bedding again too, so all nice and clean. H talked to his dad about not being squeamish with a relative or a female attendant helping him shower (he uses a shower chair and can cover/wash his privates. He needs help getting in, then washing his back, legs and feet). H also talked to his mother about hiring someone to come in and help dad take his shower. Don’t know if we got through to behavior change.
The parents enjoyed the visit, and also enjoyed the quiet days. It seemed the first few days it took them to ramp up to some of their ‘old self’. For example DD, MIL, and I played a great game of Scrabble. FIL and MIL built up to playing Eucre 500 from playing Eucre.
They are at an age when their peers are dropping like flies. Mom’s sister a few weeks ago; dad’s brother today.
That’s a lot of loss in a very short time, @SOSConcern – how are you doing?
Dad’s BIL died a few weeks ago too - he was 82 and in poor health. Loss of H’s mom’s sis was sad - we were all close to her - she was a lovely lady and had four great kids (H’s cousins) but she had dementia and didn’t know anyone for years - but was happy and well cared for. Dad’s brother was a family member but not one particularly close. He had heart issues and progressive prostrate cancer; the heart issues were what caused his death. I think MIL and FIL are glad for every day they are doing well enough to enjoy being at home. Dad’s older brother is the most active of the bunch that are older, but his wife is in a lot of decline. H has an aunt that is only 12 years older than H, so that aunt/uncle are very active. We live a long distance from the deaths, so have not attended the services.
The sandwich generation, esp with demands on both ends and perhaps a demanding life can be so rough. Since I am currently a SAHM (but with one in college and one almost married) I have the time to help deal with various things in the 3 generations. One has to manage their life to have the stability one is looking for, and find the happiness one wants out of life. Sometimes life really throws some challenges and one has to deal with stuff one has no control over. Thinking death, taxes, some health stuff. Fall out from other’s poor decisions.
Thanks for asking @arabrab .
We had a chance a few years ago to buy a small home very inexpensively. I wasn’t interested in the project UNLESS my inlaws wanted to live in it - bring them closer and see them more often. DH called and asked them about it and they said yes immediately. Bought the house on a Friday, MIL died on Sunday. She knew she wasn’t long for this world, FIL knew but they didn’t tell the kids. FIL still came and lived in our house for the next few years until he was put into hospice. Those two years were hard, we had three very active kids, a business and employees to manage and he would call and want someone to bring him a gallon of milk. We always jumped when he called, always included him even as he became hard to be around. He spent two months in a hospice care in a nursing home before passing away. For his last Christmas, none of the other half a dozen kids volunteered to have him with their families and for a day I was pissed that we “had” him again. But then I shifted my thinking and thought - this will be his last Christmas on Earth - we GET to have him. He died two weeks later and my family gets to have no regrets. In the end, that is what I keep coming back to - live and treat people so that you have no regrets.
Warning: long post!
I knew I’d been joining this thread eventually. My dad is 85 and doing very well, thank goodness. It’s my in laws who are going to need a lot of help. FIL, 75, has had issues with nerve pain after a foot amputation 2 years ago. He is good about monitoring his blood sugar and diet as well as seeing the dr but not good about stretching and exercising on his own. He lives alone (divorced) and is surprisingly resourceful on a limited income. He was our big worry for the past 5 yrs but that’s changed.
It’s MIL’s rapid health decline that has alarmed all of us. She went from being a relatively active (with a knee problems) and self sufficient person to one who doesn’t have the physical ability to walk without a cane, raise her arms to wash her hair, etc. She has also lost a lot of weight.
DH and I noticed the decline in her mobility when we asked her to house sit for us last summer. (We see her 3-4 times a year.) She seemed capable so we had no reason to be concerned. When we returned, she told us she slept on the family room sofa because she couldn’t get into the guest room bed! I also noticed that all of the frozen food I bought for her was untouched in the freezer (all food she approved of). Our microwave is mounted above the countertop and we didn’t know she couldn’t stretch her arms up to reach it. Hoping we could get her to see a dr in our area, DH and I invited her to stay with us so she would have someone to take her to the dr to address her knee problems (we thought that was the major issue) and she said she’d think about it.
Fast forward to Dec. SIL invited her to stay in her home to help prepare for her daughter’s bridal shower and was shocked by the weight change. This week she went to a new doctor in SIL’s town and arranged for a ton of tests. She’s apparently lost around 70 lbs in the last year. So she has multiple health issues to deal with. DH and his 3 other siblings live hours from SIL and MIL so we are trying to figure out how we can help. This is a big lifestyle change for SIL and her H. They’re new empty nesters.
Sorry for the lengthy post!
@lilmom, sorry you are dealing with this, it sounds very difficult. Has MIL not been to the doctor to find out what is causing her problems? If not, could she also be dealing with depression or cognitive issues? Not dealing with a problem that greatly limits your life skills, and losing 70 pounds with no deliberate changes sounds like serious trouble. I can’t imagine not going to the doctor about that. Has she lived her life in denial about other things?
As for your FIL, good for him for keeping his diet and blood sugar controlled, but the lack of exercise is a concern. With my mom it was always the worry about losing her independence that motivated her. Will that work with him? “You know, dad, if you don’t keep up with your PT you’re going to be in a home before you’re 80. Doctors can keep you alive a long time now, but only you can make sure you’re mobile all those years.”
MIL and my own mother lost quite a lot of weight like that. Mom because of dementia (gradual, then noticeable, then needing care; died at 77). MIL in part because she never got her dentures properly fitted and limited on what she can eat like that - also meals on wheels not particularly tasty due to have to limit seasoning for various elderly restrictions. MIL went from a size 20W to a size 10/12. MIL could be doing stuff to help her strength like holding a can in each hand and do some limited arm lifts. MIL is on meds to help with several health areas. When one gets to mid to late 80’s, lifestyle catches up with you. I believe MIL’s heart is weak - several sisters have died of cardiac (one at 77 with massive heart attack; one at 89 who had a series of heart attacks but was very vigilant on diet and had been a farmer’s wife so had been very active and her heart lasted as long as possible; other sisters lived longer - 92, 93, 94, and 96; 96 YO had congestive heart failure, and her weakened body couldn’t take any aggressive treatment).
Many older people do want to mask their limitations. They want to continue their routine. Sometimes one can wheedle information out via observation and questioning - like getting the new prescriptions for glasses done for both in-laws (MIL couldn’t read the paper with her old prescription). H took FIL to ophthalmologist because of floater in his eye, and got new glasses prescription plus had some good eye drops which have really helped him. I guess he will need to ask the neighbor (RN) or the lady that comes to put on and take off his support stockings to put the eye drops in.
@MomofJandL, yes, MIL has been in denial for a while. SIL has been on her to get regular checkups for years! She saw the dr after we returned from Europe and saw the change in her. DH asked his brother who lives closest to her to go to the dr with her. She had apparently not filled her rx for rapid heart beat from her last dr appt. Then she moved with SIL and changed drs. This dr says she has borderline diabetes. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
We hadn’t noticed MIL’s dementia at first, because she had lived in the same place and held to the same routines for years. Long story. But what became clear was that she didn’t know she wasn’t eating. She could “tell” us what dinner was, but hadn’t eaten, wasn’t aware.
@lookingforward they can ‘mask’ what they don’t know or cannot do; avoid those situations. However my mom got to the point that she was hungry but didn’t have the thought sequence to put a sandwich together, or even go get food out of the refrigerator. You set a plate of prepared food in front of her, she ate heartily.
My in laws were totally hiding their failing ability to cope, we all visited for a week or so, many times, but could not see it, we suspected it, but no proof. However, MIL broke her hip and we spent weeks there and could see how poorly they were doing it.
@lilmom, welcome {{hug}}, although sorry that you are here, right?
SOSConcern, I am sorry for your losses! That IS tough.
I have been fairly mad at the AL place because Mom was skipping meals and they weren’t watching her so she almost literally starved to death. She’d lost lots of weight (at that point they just gave her help getting started with the shower, not with giving the shower). But they knew she lost weight and they didn’t follow up with bringing her to meals. When I moved her to the Memory Care, it was because of that. And in MC, they record how much of her meal she eats every meal; if under half they give her an Ensure. She gained all her weight and then some back (for a while they gave her ensure every meal). She eats whatever is put in front of her with no concept of hunger or full as far as I can tell.
I think weight loss is pretty common as the elderly seem to shrink. My mother was 5’1" and 125 pounds most of her adult life. At 81, she is now about 4’9" and maybe 100 pounds. She comments on her weight like it is a good thing - how she’s down to her lowest adult weight. Maybe she does not see how stooped over and frail she has become. The land of denial.
That is so totally bad for the AL @esobay .
FIL and MIL were taken by BIL to funeral of FIL’s brother yesterday. It was all travel and activities in one day - now they are recovering at home. FIL is doing fine. MIL is exhausted - FIL says she was on her feet too much, but it is because she has a weak heart IMHO and does nothing for gaining strength. I told H that she will not live to be 96 like her sis that lived the longest; however I do think FIL will live that long (FIL’s own father lived that long). MIL is now 87.
My 90 yr. old dad is in rehab after getting a suprapubic catheter placed. It’s supposed to be an outpatient procedure but he started in ER on Dec. 22 and they took so long to get it done that he was still in the hospital past Christmas and with all those days of no walking he needed rehab before he could go back to his assisted living facility.
So tonight he fell at rehab right before I got there. (He’s OK) They left him sitting in his chair with an alarm and his walker was across the room. When he got up he fell before they could get there even though the chair alarm went off.
I know it isn’t protocol at any of these rehab facilities(he’s been 3 times before.) but it sure seems like common sense to give them something to hang onto. He normally uses a walker and never forgets to use it. I know they don’t want him to walk alone yet, but since they can’t instantaneously get there and he is likely to forget to press the call button…
Rant for another time–very little physical therapy in rehab so far. His therapist called in sick yesterday so none yesterday. A long boring day of laying/sitting. His new catheter started bothering him so he pulled it part way out. I can’t be there all the time but feel like I need to be to protect him.
Sorry to hear this, CR. Is his room near the nursing station? It might help to get assistance to him more quickly. In my experiences, rehab facilities were always less active on weekends (especially with PT) and this is likely unfortunate timing.
Problematic to leave him without a walker nearby, though they might have thought it would ensure he rang for help. Is his cognition disrupted? Even elders without ongoing judgement challenges can develop confusion post-procedures and during hospitalization. Pulling out the catheter may be an indication of this. Watch this piece; it may play a big role in duration of stay and discharge plans. Best to your family. This is stressful. Good to maintain active communication with staff throughout his stay and speak with discharge coordinator as soon as possible.