What is awful is that little things for an older person can be major - was he not to be walking unassisted @Curiousreader ? He should have had a call cord with him in his chair if this was the case. Was he having to wait and he thought he could do it himself? With his weakened condition, he has to build up his strength and should not be walking unassisted IMHO (seeing him through the computer of course!)
Update on MIL - last night hospital did a CT scan thinking MIL may have had a stroke (if a stoke, I suspect hemorrhagic, as she was on warfarin). Her legs swell if she is on her feet too long due to multiple medical issues, but with the funeral Friday, and being in poor condition at home on Saturday, she is just in fragile health. She handled her own sister’s funeral (further travel, but also done in one day) but was looking forward to the holidays and had a lot of family help including granddau that she can almost consider as a dau for the stable home given to GD. But now everyone is gone.
It takes courage to deal with getting older, having health issues, having limitations, dealing with the changes when you want things to stay the same with doing things at home.
I know FIL is worried - not just about his W, but because he cannot live alone. And that will be a major change - his dad did it (lived in a nursing home happily until age 96, and asked to stay in his chair longer the night before he died). FIL will have two options, and both require a lot of change for him.
We don’t have a good feeling about this situation and getting no news. However I think they want to call when they really know something. MIL probably is resting in hospital but full evaluation has not been done, all the tests/data not in.
Sounds like quite a few of us have had parent issues over the holidays. Me too. My Mom has been with us since the week before Christmas. She moved in with my sister last year and stays in a ground floor apartment in my sisters bi-level house. We have a traditional two story colonial house with all the bedrooms upstairs. Generally my Mom just goes up to bed at night and comes down in the morning without assistance - I would walk up with her, but more as assurance than need. Anyway, the day after Christmas while my husband and I went out with my sister and brother in law, my Mom decided to go up and down the stairs to get something from her room. My son walked up with her and told her to yell before she came down so he could accompany her. She didn’t yell, came down by herself and slipped a bit on the last step. We’re not sure just what she did, but she hasn’t been able to put weight on it since. She refused to go to the doctor, and really the foot doesn’t look too bad. A bruise on the arch, but no swelling and not a lot of pain - unless she tries to put weight on it.
So, she’s been upstairs since Monday and we’ve been using the walker with wheels I happened to pick up at a second hand store a few months ago. It has a semi-comfortable seat and she’s able to pivot into it from the bed and I can wheel her to the bathroom. She’s not happy with the situation but is dealing with being bed bound pretty well. Good thing she likes to read and is happy to use her iPad for a huge portion of the day. We bought a walking boot and will try it on today. She’s going back to my sister’s on Wednesday and I’m hoping that she can get around a bit on her own without pain. This whole situation has really made me appreciate my sister more and also make me think about my own bucket list. I am trying to deal with this with grace and compassion instead of thinking how inconvenient it is. This is so much like having a young child again when I couldn’t leave the house and felt kind of worried all the time.
@SOSConcern, If she did have a stroke, is there a different treatment? Or just added medication? @Curiousreader - your situation with your father sounds very frustrating - for you and for him.
We have no information yet. I bet BIL had to go back to work; his GF may have stayed, or come back with her car (they live an hour away). I am calling GF to see if there is any update…ugh. It is either moderately bad news or worse.
walkinghome, I’d be concerned about your mom being in bed all day with a foot injury. That could create a clot issue and/or general muscle loss that would make walking even more unsafe. A few days in bed can really set someone back. Sorry, I would insist on xrays.
The desire to move around unchecked is what led to MIL’s slip (2nd stair up) that fractured her hip. We had a baby gate at the top of the stairs, one at the bottom would have been wise. But so much of this is live and learn. She usually didn’t go up the stairs unassisted. Usually sat downstairs, only moved around there.
@walkinghome - it can take a couple of days for breaks to show up in the foot or ankle. Even a bad sprain should be checked out. I say this as a DIL of a man who refused to call 911 when he fell trying to get MIL up after she fell. That fall resulted in compression fractures in his back. H and SIL have had to literally force him to go to the ER and then speak up when he says he feels fine. He hides when he has to take his nitro pills so no one will call for aid.
I swear, sometimes being the child of an elderly person is like being the parent of a toddler. My mom was panicking (her word) over her pills the other evening. She didn’t want dinner, so her pills were separate. She insisted on knowing what each one was and what it was for. At least she finally took them. I’m waiting for the day when we have to hold her nose so she’ll swallow the meds. (Not really.)
Mom’s latest thing is a dislike for water. She reluctantly uses it to take pills, but otherwise insists it is hard to swallow. For some reason, Sprite is ok. But only Sprite in the little cans, not in a bottle. We have successfully switched her to diet sprite and the AFH offers it to her in a special insulated cup, which keeps it icy cold. We decided to look on the bright side and are happy she’s getting liquids.
It turns out MIL had another urinary infection. BIL is looking into renting a bigger place for parents to live in with his GF and him. On days off, can go an hour back to the parents’ home. See how things go this week. Hopefully MIL will recover as she has before from UTI.
It’s really hard to coordinate with elders when they don’t have a predictable schedule, don’t carry a phone regularly, don’t remember, don’t always have a working landline but still expect that we will seamlessly appear and magically take them where they want and need to go.
Being a parent of kids is much easier in most ways to trying to helping elders who are struggling to remain independent but not compensating and not writing things down to help them remember. Kids generally improve as they age–parents continue to need more help and sometimes resist it more.
That is true. There is no learning curve for elderly. Even as I am learning to train our puppy and cannot explain-‘you cannot do that because it will hurt you, etc’ is easier than elderly. The elderly don’t seem to get it. They use denial as an important coping mechanism.
I’m sorry for everyone on this thread going through this stuff.
Just a vent . . . sorry for the negativity. The lack of planning drives me crazy. I do not understand my husband’s family’s inability (or unwillingness?) to discuss the aging and dying process. I mean - none of us are getting out of this life alive! It’s not exactly a surprise.
My side of the family (while we have our own foibles) is more pragmatic about it for some reason.
Meanwhile, my SIL is sending me regular updates advising that MIL is not in any pain. Repeat - she is NOT in any pain!!!
I feel like she thinks I’m trying to rush their mom out the door via hospice. Like somehow I have convinced her brother that hospice is the way to go.
I told my husband I am no longer going to do anything on this front, other than try to talk to his mom often and visit when I can. I am not getting blamed for the rest of time for hospice being called in. Heaven forbid if anyone face reality.
Maybe I’m reading too much into it. I know it’s a stressful time. And I love my SIL dearly. I don’t want anything to hurt our relationship.
Yeah, holidays need the extra stress of sick/infirm parents. But as someone said, thinking it could be their last sometimes makes it easier to cope.
@SouthFloridaMom9 , I’d thank SIL for reassuring me that MIL is not in any pain, ask if SIL is and send her a hug. I think your approach to talk and visit is a good plan.
In ways, we sandwichers also have a learning curve. (I’m sure that’s been said here before.)
A friend’s 80+ parents are living with her unmarried and testy brother. Living under the same roof has reached its limits and they refuse to move near her (she’s now in an ideal spot in S.CA. And they previously lived with her, successfully, here in the east.) They won’t consider the lovely IL place in their present town (lived in that town most of the past 15 years, happily,) where there would be 2 of their kids plus a helpful inlaw. Other rent scenarios are prohibitive.
Nope, they want to move to my town, closest relative is a grandson an hour away. The father has an ongoing health problem.
But my friend remembers their generosity, at a tough time in her own life. I suspect she’ll end up managing this from across the country.
Just sorry this is so tangled, from the get-go. And for so many on this thread.
I don’t know if the denial is a senior lying to us kids to cover up, or lying to themselves because they don’t want to believe this is happening to them, or if it is just the human condition to not accept that “this” is the new normal and you won’t get any better, won’t walk better, won’t think better, won’t transfer better, etc. And yet, I imagine you/they still feel very much like “you” so it’s difficult to grasp that you are, as we say, “losin’ in it”
I did find out one useful thing to pass on this holiday: Don’t give your parents with dementia anything besides something they can eat or drink. 1 week later, they had no idea they were at my house for Christmas and recalled no Christmas gifts and none were in sight. The fruitcake was probably eaten (they had no idea) and the wine was in the refrigerator. The shirt, sweater, and scarf I wove were no where in site. We found them stashed away somewhere where they won’t be found. Too bad as my fastidious father has been wearing stained shirts and mom actually asked for the scarf (at one of the clearest moment I heard from her in the last month). Somehow with a less than 5 second memory they still manage independent living in their CCRC. At least I took the car away!
My SIL is angry with me for not bringing my parents to the other coast for a wedding and Christmas and is mean (downright evil actually) to me. I wish family who see little of my parents, could trust me. It makes me feel guilty and selfish. I know that’s silly and do a better job of tuning them out. But we caregivers need support. Why can’t our family be there for us?
@GTalum I remember the conversations about the wedding and travel with your parents. We too receive “edicts” from SIL who lives 2000 miles away and sees her mother once a year. Both she and my husband have their heads buried in the sand about preparing for the no longer distant future for MIL.
I told H about talking to his brother about lining up some respite time or arrangement with assisted living or other facility convenient to him. Parents can afford this as needed - just can’t afford it 24/7. One BIL is going to examine parents’ area facilities, and he will get sticker shock; parents do not want to go into a nursing home, and I don’t blame them if another thing will work.
FIL has been more cooperative with having shower help that is available. Now to get MIL to understand some kind of a hygiene schedule (change out her depends more often, etc).
@GTalum, all I can send are virtual hug, but lots of them. Is this the SIL whose husband (your dear brother) passed away suddenly, not too long ago? Even though you may have a great deal of sympathy for her and her kids, it certainly doesn’t make your burdens any lighter, for sure! And no longer having an empathetic sibling to share the heartache is so hard! And it’s definitely hard to watch the decline you’re seeing in your parents. Again, lots of hugs from here!
Yes, it is the SIL whose husband died suddenly 2 years ago. I’ve talked to my niece and nephew and they are very supportive. I do have sympathy for SIL, but I can’t stay open to the vitriol she sends my way. I want to stay in the life of my niece and nephew and I will work hard to keep those relationships. It is hard not having a sibling as I watch my parents decline. DH is there and is great but I would love to have my brother and having a critical SIL makes it more painful. I think her goal is to drive a wedge in our relationship so she has an excuse not to make any visits to see mom and dad.
We made the decision to have Christmas at our home, as my DH had committed to singing in a midnight mass on Christmas Eve. At my suggestion, he called my dad and suggested that we pick them up on Christmas Eve and take them back on the 26th. (It’s a 5-hour round trip.) Dad didn’t protest, but he did take it out on my mom, griping that he was sure she had called us with the suggestion and that she didn’t trust him to drive. (Note that in November he and mom spent nearly three hours driving around Columbia, MO looking for the VA Hospital. He says he knew where it was, but construction traffic caused problems. I have serious doubts.)
So my mom called on the 22nd and notified me that she was tired of dad’s bitching and she wasn’t coming. After much back-and-forth, I took a longer term view and reminded her that this was one of many occasions on which dad was going to have to accept limitations, and that she couldn’t just opt out whenever he was upset. Her response? She said that if she can’t “opt out” she might just “walk out.” (What???)
My D1 called and persuaded her to come, but a good time was definitely NOT had by all, and DH took them home on Christmas afternoon. While he was here my dad cornered me at the first opportunity to ask who thought he couldn’t make the trip on his own. That was a fun conversation…