If Dad should not be driving, someone needs to tell him. Not easy, but eventually it has to happen.
(Note we had to physically remove the keys from FIL’s house - even under doctor’s orders not to drive, he drove.)
@NerdMom88 I sounds like someone needs to join your dad while he drives to make an assessment of his abilities. I have found it is something a daughter or son needs to do and not an in-law or your mother. He might be right and is perfectly capable of driving the route.
@GTalum I agree, but there is no other family local to them. DH did talk with him about where they were on the way to our house and back, and reported that dad was aware of which road he was one and which one they needed to take. However, that’s not the same as driving it himself.
@NerdMom88 my father was never aware of the roads and where he was and relied on GPS to go anywhere. He blamed the Prius for making him forget how to pump gas by not needing it.
Lots of shades of gray with eldercare. Few decisions have more impact than access to cars.
We were almost broad-sided by a dear friend’s in-laws on Christmas Eve years ago. I knew the back story; sibs couldn’t get it together (and enabled driving for years and a couple of accidents afterwards). My frail mother was in the passenger seat and would have taken the brunt of it.
A driving assessment is imperative when other indicators of decline are evident. Imagine the possibilities; no elder should have to face such consequences, nor should their potential victims. I know it often means big changes; so do accidents.
I’m learning quite a bit on this thread. Most importantly, I’ve learned that health situations can change rather quickly. My father, 83, lives independently in the city with his wife two hours away from me. They are doing fine but driving is now getting to be an issue. His car is older and he was thinking about buying a new one. My siblings and I would rather he find alternate transportation if possible.
I did find out of tip for elders eligible for VA benefits. I thought such funds were only available for long term care or assisted living placement, but I found they can be used for a family member providing care in the home.
@GTalum nice for VA to pay for family member providing care. LTC ins won’t pay for a relative. Hope that helps the elderly with veteran benefits. Family is now checking into this for FIL.
GT, is that Aid & Assistance program benefits, or for anyone eligible for VA benefits?
I think it’s part of the Aid & Attendance program benefits. I just didn’t realize that it was available for in home care by a family member. In the case of my patient, his daughter had to quit her job to attend to her dad. But, I just filled out a bunch of paperwork and I am not sure what VA program it applies to.
My sib’s MIL found a geriatric dentist who charges substantially less than local going rates. So far, she’s happy with the results.
We are finally getting our mom to her regular dentist after 2 years of cancelled appointments. Hoping there won’t be any surprises.
Brief update - my dad was hospitalized with severe anemia, got some blood, now in a nursing home. He is “supposed” to be there only for a few weeks, maybe a month at most.
Really hard to deal with the insurance part of it, and they had him drugged up so most of the doctors thought he had dementia. Now he is on less meds and coherent, so have to convince him he’s in the right place to finish recovery. He’s in good spirits now.
Plan is for him to move in with me or another sibling, then move back home when we can get someone there to care for him.
I plan to call the VA about providing aid when he is back home, but what I was told is that it was not medical in any way at all, more like checking on someone.
Yikes Rhandco, too much meds gets very scary. Add a UTI and there goes the demented diagnosis.
I searched this thread, but couldn’t find much on this issue, although I know it’s very common. FIL (mid 80s) with mid stage dementia has started making sexual advances toward his caregivers. He and MIL live in their own home with 24/7 caregivers - at least two are there at all times. The caregivers are great about redirecting him and making light of it, but It’s incredibly upsetting to MIL. It’s now several times a day - he pulls his pants down, etc., makes very forward comments about taking care of him, etc. He approached a woman in the supermarket the other day with a very lewd comment, but thankfully, she could see that he’s not competent. He’s relatively fragile, physically, but still mobile, but according to the caregivers, his plumbing is working remarkably well. This is totally out of the blue - married for 60 years and a complete gentleman in every way. Any advice?
Sorry @Gourmetmom, as far as I know, nothing you can do. Sometimes, if I fuss at my dad at the moment of an inappropriate comment and because he respects my opinion, it provides enough as a negative stimulus to stop the behavior. But, the fussing needs to happen at the moment of the behavior. With no memory or logical reasoning, discussions don’t work.
@Gourmetmom, you could try joining Agingcare.com and asking your question on this forum: https://www.agingcare.com/Alzheimers-Dementia/Questions-1
No advice, but I think it is fairly common. My grandmother did that and my Dad thinks every female that talks to him is hitting on him.
This is not uncommon; often managed in elder facilities. This kind of disinhibition in public poses dilemmas. If the lack of judgment is behavioral in the community, as a step past verbally suggestive, it may dictate need for increased levels of care. I think dignity, as well as protocol/laws are relevant here. “A complete gentleman” with a brain disease will need an environment consistently able to manage these behaviors. There are many dementia care places that optimize functioning and preserve dignity. This may be worth exploring.
So tough all around, @Gourmetmom. If there is an Alzheimer’s Association locally, it could be worth contacting them for input. It is poignant to see these changes unfold, as well as important create plans that work for all.
Unfortunately dementia can affect the parts of the brain which normally ‘filter’ behaviors that are socially appropriate. I would have people tell FIL before an outing that if he does not ‘behave himself’ he will not be allowed around other people outside the home.
A friend was caretaker for her mom and her aunt, both in dementia decline. She was in grocery store with both, looking at a shelf item, and aunt totally got naked!
I agree with travelnut that caregivers who take care of dementia patients understand that demented people often are sexually disinhibited. Also, as travelnut suggests, sexual assault is a crime. At some point in the course of the disease, caregivers may have to prevent the disinhibited person from committing crimes.