What’s that saying - aging makes us more of what we are and less of what we are not.
There is hope, my father, not a kind person before dementia, is now a very sweet man. Fortunately my mom is still. The difference is that dad is frustrated by losing his memory and the inability to understand things. It doesn’t seem to bother mom at all.
It irks dad to no end but he’s very slow to adopt suggestions to compensate, such as using the calendar we put at his desk.
Mom just laughs as she knows she’s getting increasingly forgetful. She writes in her calendar but forgets to look at it. D and I were finally able to wrest her old calendars away from her so she only has one current calendar and is no longer looking at old calendars.
If dad had a sweeter temper, he would be more enjoyable to spend more time with. His friends have their own health issues and his younger friends are still working so he’s got mainly us “kids.”
My MIL, almost 93, is not doing well. She lives in a facility in Colorado near her youngest daughter. My SIL has two young kids and just accepted a full-time job. Now SIL says she can’t continue to watch over MIL as much as she should, so she’s hoping MIL can move near one of the other four siblings. They’re trying to decide if she should go into hospice or to a skilled care facility. Sigh. On paper, DH and I might look like good candidates since we have an empty nest, but I have been through six years of hell with my kids’ severe mental illnesses. I’m finally getting my bearings again and don’t think I’m up to looking over MIL. We have a small business that requires a LOT of time and attention. And with two kids in college, we are flat broke. I don’t know advice anyone can give me, but it’s nice to have a place to vent.
Hugs, @MaineLonghorn.
It seems a long move from Colorado to you for a frail 93 year old.
Do any of the other sibs live within driving distance of each other? Maybe a placement can be found close to where 2 sibs can share the responsibilities.
Agree that a long move for a frail elder sounds arduous for the elder and everyone else. Also agree that it would be good to explore whether a shorter move may suffice.
@MaineLonghorn . . . ugh. I can just ‘feel’ the nudge your direction from your SIL. Let’s hope that wasn’t a hint. I have read many of your posts and there is nothing wrong with you finally getting a chance to catch your breath and get you and your husband on track in any areas that have lost focus due to getting your kids launched/squared away/safe.
This is such a thorny issue that I truly never appreciated until we started to experience it.
Hugs MaineLonghorn and everyone going through this.
Thanks, everyone. I think my SIL is just at the end of her rope and asking for help. When DH emailed her that would look for places in our area, she wrote back to say not to - they’re pretty sure they’re going to leave her where she is for now. But I will post again if there are any more developments! I really appreciate the support. 
Wow, that’s great that your SIL is willing to let your MIL stay where she is currently. I certainly understand how draining it can be (and is) to have elders that become increasingly frail and reliant. I know folks think that assisted living and hospice will handle everything but really, I’ve heard here and elsewhere that that isn’t the case.
You do need to catch your breath now while both your kids are doing pretty well and find your balance, @MaineLonghorn. It’s like putting on your O2 mask before you can go back to helping others. Wishing you, your H, your sons, SIL and MIL all well as you move forward.
@MaineLonghorn: Sorry to hear of this situation. Caregiver fatigue is real and not to be ignored. Having followed your challenges here, it is understandable that you need to come up for air. Aging issues without venting seems impossible. The first rule of elder care in my book: whatever the plan is, it has to work for all participants. Good that you can be realistic about your preferences.
Is your MIL in a skilled nursing facility now? Hospice care through Medicare can be accessed in skilled nursing facilities, as well as hospice facilities. Opting for a place where the quality is high and the services provided are the most comprehensive will likely provide the best care for your MIL and lessen family stress. IME, there is a big change in demands on family members once a relative is in skilled nursing vs. assisted living or navigating private care. My father has been in a SNF for several years and my to-do list shortened immediately, as they are prepared to have all routine care done on-site. Though I help navigate decisions, there is no longer ambiguity as he is 92, frail and failing. I visit, confer with staff and hospice as needed, and pay his monthly bills. Extremely straightforward. AL took much more time to navigate. I hope that this will make a difference to your husband’s family going forward also. Hang in there. We know it is not easy.
If MIL is not in a skilled facility in Colorado, that may be the best option. If it is a quality institution, I don’t know why your SIL can’t withdraw and only visit when she is able. If MIL is eligible for hospice, that would be an added layer of assistance.
SIL may be making her own cry for help, but not necessarily asking for total relief. Remember how some on this thread wanted to feel like the team was involved, sharing some decisions, visiting, etc. It may be that simple. ?
I just want to share this important info on Medicare and coverage of stays in a rehab facility after hospitalization from NBC news:
“a new law goes into effect that requires hospitals to tell people orally and in writing that they are “under observation,” effectively outpatients, and thus potentially liable for much larger bills that aren’t covered by Medicare. More than 1 million patients will get these MOONs (Medicare Outpatient Observation Notices) every year, according to federal estimates.”
“The distinction between inpatient and “under observation” is crucial for the 55 million Americans covered by Medicare. Nursing facility rehab services are covered only if the patient receives hospital care as an inpatient for three consecutive days. In 2014, more than 600,000 Medicare beneficiaries had hospital stays of three nights without being considered inpatients.”
This is so crazy! I had no idea this could happen.
@MaineLonghorn
My mother has lived with us for 5-10 years and I had no idea how draining it was until DH and I just took a break, wow, I had not realised how much it was wearing me out! She is in pretty good shape, 90+, but really until the last year or so was quite with it. Most of our complaints were roommate complaints, just that she was always there. But, man oh man, I did not realise how I was exhausting myself keeping her life going.
Funny, too, I don’t know what would have happened if DH & I had not moved her in, no one else seems to think much about it. That said, sibling 1 lives nearby and will take her to appointments, but they are like chalk and cheese, despite sibling 1’s willingness, times together don’t go that well. Sibling 2 & 3 live a plan ride away and have stepped up, when requested, in a limited fashion.
But still, over 5 years with her and the last many years of old person hell and emergencies with DH’s folks, and we are worn out.
I am going to have to require my siblings to do a bit more, but am lucky my nearby DD is willing to step up and really help out.
What am I saying? Tell your SIL that she must take care of herself, if MIL is safe in the home, then, fine, maybe sometimes SIL does more and sometimes, less. MIL is OK.
If any one is looking at Skilled nursing and is private pay, not Medicaid, be sure to investigate Board & Care homes, half the price and 6:1 ratio means better personal care (or worse in a bad place!) and not as institutional as some SNFs
I feel like we hit a home run without every being at bat…mother in law has announced that she isn’t driving any more, and can we arrange to have her car donated to charity? So the 1994 car with 4700 miles will hit the donor market. Literally the little lady who only drove to the beauty shop.
Having experience with my parents’ health issues/short hospice period and deaths, and the aging on H’s parents who are both now 88, and the experiences of his grandfather who lived in skilled care the last 5 years of his life (from age 91 to 96 and he was happy/content), I can give encouraging words to families with a loved one in rehab who needs to go to skilled care instead of back to assisted living or home. Within a week I have had 3 family friends in rehab - one will be able to go home, but the other two will go to skilled care.
Saw two tv show last night dealing with aging and dementia as part of the theme for the respective episodes. Also went to a funeral of my sister’s MIL today.
My folks do not want to do “adult daycare” or other activities so they are mostly bored all day, every day. The rest of us are busy living our lives and not entertaining them regularly. Their bodies are pretty strong but getting wobblier and memories are failing. They aren’t interested in volunteering nor exercising regularly but do go out for meals most days.
By contrast, the deceased at the funeral attended adult day care M-F for 12 years and took an active interest in people and engaged with them. Her mind was pretty sharp but her body was frail. She died of pneumonia.
@HImom It might be that your parents are losing the capacity to expand outside themselves. I found that my parents, while being physically fit and interested in other people, would love to volunteer, but don’t have the executive function to make it happen in even their CCC. My father tried to be a member of the building and grounds committee, something he was excited to do, left after 6 months as he couldn’t make it to meetings, and once he was there, couldn’t grasp what they were talking about.
For some, “daycare” isn’t the only option. (What we saw of those here was pretty boring, a lot of sitting around, maybe making craft hats or the like.) There may be other things they would be wiling to do, once in a while, with some senior group. Eg, there may be a daytime music performance at the sr center or the place may show an old movie (or travelogue.) Sometimes, you start small, not planning that they spend hours there. Maybe at first, someone goes with them, to make it feel like a happy, proactive decision. Then you hope they get the hang of it. I know it’s frustrating.
One of the regrets I had with my aunt was having a pacemaker put in when she was 91. She was in overall good health but had home hospice care 4 hours a day, which cut down on the amount of her money I was spending down on aides. They told me she could stay on hospice, but then threw her off. I was so afraid of running out of money that we moved her into assisted living because it was overall cheaper than paying aides, particularly when they ate her out of house and home.
I didn’t take her for specialist consults because she was in pretty good health overall. She saw the regular doctor every three months for thyroid meds but the doctor just kept her on the same dosage and didn’t do new bloodwork. We monitored her bp daily and adjusted those meds accordingly. My aunt had a hysterical fear of colonoscopy and I had to reassure her daily that I would not take her for one - what was the point? Ditto for mammograms and stress tests.
My aunt passed three years ago but now we are dealing with MIL, who is 92. She lives in her house with my mentally ill and combative SIL, who is worse than useless and who is trying to spend every penny mom has. We are looking at buying a home in our area for MIL to live in now and that we can downsize into eventually. SIL is NOT coming with her and she is ranting and raving about that, but she’s in her 60’s and can deal with herself. Mom is still with it mentally but is physically frail. She has daily aides. H has POA and I am secondary on that. SIL has no financial control as she herself is on SSD. In some ways, it’s tougher to deal with a parent who is mentally competent because she will tell you that she will do something to protect herself but then undo it for her D, who she refuses to call the cops on. If mom was not competent, we could have SIL thrown out.