Cellulitis followed by a gout attack. My mom can’t catch a break.
But having 4 daughters coordinate who’s on site and in charge for the day beats the heck out of the situation when DH and his 2 brothers were each in their own worlds over who know what about MIL/FIL.
Also, thanks to Epic for MyChart. Now we can all see test results as they are reported, and with our WebMD degrees sort of follow along with how things are going, and what needs to be done next.
One of the sad things about prolonged aging and degeneration is that loved ones will have lots of memories of the waning years and the increasing anger and frustration of their loved ones rather than the happier earlier times.
That is one of the cruelties of having treatments for the many infections and other maladies faced as we age and our minds and bodies have increasing difficulty.
We had an 80th birthday party for my dad today. He had forgotten it was his birthday when we picked him up, despite lots of reminders all week. He had a good time. He has deteriorated a lot in the last year, but is much more peaceful/less agitated than a few months ago.
My folks are having a very tough time with short term memory. It’s very sad and makes dad mad. The long term memory is getting hazy too!
Yesterday, when we were driving them to an event, (to make conversation), we asked them where they had gone for lunch two hours before and what they had eaten. Neither could remember. Dad said they hadn’t gone anywhere, when we had been at their home when he drove off.
My mom had dementia. She tried to get her driver’s license back - she voluntarily forfeited it after an accident and district attorney threats. Some time lapsed and she took driving instruction and tried to get her license back (had her attorney involved) but the state said no and the issue was closed. For a while she was using taxis on a regular basis and that paradigm worked for a while before her condition worsened.
When she wasn’t remembering things, I just told her “everyone is taking care of things. You don’t have anything to worry about. You are in your lovely home and you have Seppi (her dog). Just enjoy.” And she did.She was not combative or angry.
I know it is a PI* to take away car keys, but those parents with memory issues probably have impaired driving too. If the doctor or state driving board take away their license (versus family) it may help. One needs to know how your state works on this and how to handle for your particular circumstances. Family may have to initiate/get things rolling behind the scene for a new driver test or the doctor screening.
I’m sure this isn’t true of everyone, but I’ve noticed that my mom, for example, remembers some things from a long time ago better than some things from a little while ago. (She is 88 and has normal memory loss but not dementia.) My former mother-in-law, who does have Alzheimer’s disease, held on to early memories longer than recent memories, too.
My mom has dementia and cannot hold onto new information or remember recent events, but ask her about her childhood, and it’s all still there.
My father with dementia died recently at 92. It is a blessing that he could be free of his failing body and he was his cheerful, though weakened, self almost all the way.
Last month, medical staff had good reason to believe that he would die within days. Sibling raced across country and we hunkered down for the end. It didn’t happen. In a flukey way, his body tended the problem without treatment and we re-set the clock. I highly recommend considering having such a time with your elders before the decline becomes accelerated. All the attention (long visits, thank yous, reminiscing, listening to music) brought out conversations in my father that I hadn’t heard in years. It meant a lot to all. This time, he awoke very changed and was out of it quickly, dying in a few days. There were no such moments to be had. It didn’t matter because we had said it all when he could share it. It wound up being a gift.
Much appreciation for this thread and all of the members who have popped in to help, vent, commiserate and share information.
@travelnut, it sounds like that false alarm was indeed a gift to your family. It is tough watching a loved one decline in dementia. Glad your family was able to connect with him before the decline accelerated. Wishing you and your family the best as you move forward.
Condolences, travelnut. And thank you for sage words over the years.
My condolences to you and your family @travelnut. Second the thanks for your wise words.
@travelnut - I’m so sorry for your loss.
Being able to spend time with a dying parent is a blessing.
@travelnut, my sympathies. Glad you got time to share precious family memories.
Thanks for your condolences and kind words. I am appreciative of all on this thread; a community of wisdom and support that has made a big difference.
My parents moved near my family 13 years ago and I have been the sole point person for all things elder (with back up from DH) since then. I will need to find some new activities and make sure my car doesn’t head there on auto-pilot.
So sorry, travelnut. I know exactly what you mean about the car and the road.
Very thought-provoking half hour from NYC public radio:
Caring For Those At The End Of Life
Dr. Jessica Nutik Zitter joins us to talk about her book Extreme Measures: Finding a Better Path to the End of Life. She discusses her career path from wanting to be an ICU physician to becoming a doctor who specializes in palliative care.
She writes about her own realization that the old and the ill are put on what she calls the “End-of-Life Conveyor belt,” and details how she works with patients, families and caregivers.
The dau of a rehab patients told me her mother and father lived with her for 5 years, and it all worked out great. Then mother had a medical crisis and passed. Now father after a year or two with her by himself had a fall and is declining fast - will go to skilled care after rehab days are exhausted. I was able to give her some reassurance that she is handling things well; it was wonderful that they had the happy years together, and her dad needs the skilled care. He has lost the will to live; he is 96. Hard to tell if he will revive himself or is at his life’s end.
Travelnut, eternal rest with your dad. So glad your family was blessed with the memories/stories.
travelnut, RIP to your father. Glad your family had that time with him towards the end…
SOSconcern, I don’t know…my dad is living and not in too bad shape, but he lost the will to fight on to regain the ability to walk, or even get used to using a wheelchair if that’s what he needs to do. It is soooo frustrating to me that there are people half his weight, and a tenth of his physical abilities, and they are struggling through to stand up, use a walker, and keep progressing. He is progressing, then hits a wall and brags about doing something that he was able to do eight weeks ago just out of the hospital and out of his mind with hallucinations.
So I don’t know where he will end up. If you guys recall, I was always saying that my dad would live with me, but now with incontinence a major issue, and him not wanting to get a hospital bed, I physically can’t change the diaper on a 180 lb. adult who wants to use his own bed. One of my siblings is in the same situation, he wants to help, but he can’t handle the physicality of it, and neither of us have someone home 24/7. But would an aide even agree to change someone in a regular bed (and it’s a king size bed at home for him…).
Are there nursing homes which have minimal medical care, but let someone waste away in bed? If we don’t insist on him sitting up, he doesn’t… He won’t ask for pain pills if in pain, but he refuses PT for pain. It’s like he either really doesn’t care, or he is burying his ability to walk without trying.
He will literally waste away in bed if we don’t push him, but now we are thinking that that is what he wants! Maybe he needs a psych evaluation, but he’s already been on Cymbalta with horrible hallucinations the result (he injured himself while hallucinating, and was not able to feed himself or even answer simple questions, let alone converse). All of the negative symptoms are gone without the Cymbalta. He was on risperidone as well which didn’t help.
YMMV, it’s just frustrating. He was dependent when he could walk, but now it seems he doesn’t want to walk. He is lucid to talk to, we can tell him things and he can talk to us, but when we say things like “it would be great if you could watch your autistic grandson graduate high school” he just ignores that there is a relationship between him working hard every day at PT and being able to walk again.
(also - fwiw, he was diagnosed with dementia in the last few months but it was due to UTI’s, pneumonia, and side effects of the Cymbalta (look up “serotonin syndrome”. He does not have dementia now that those issues were resolved. But he is unbelievably stubborn about PT. We were told “the elderly get this way” when he needed to go to the hospital for a severe UTI and C diff making him crazy…)
@rhandco ask his primary care physician if he was his/her dad, how would one go about getting him on the path with a chance to improve mood and want to work with PT to improve? If he qualifies for rehab, see how to get him on the right mix of medications - our doc and nurse practitioners uses scheduled med regime (including adequate pain meds, scheduled and PRN) and PT. The env’t is hotel like, and they deal with incontinence with depends and good skin care. Also using a folded sheet in case depends ‘leak’, and also to assist with turning (two person assist, one on each side of the electric hospital bed).
Would counseling or a psych evaluation help to get him on the right meds to help his mood? Maybe he needs counseling to realize a hospital bed is a help to all and will help manage maybe at home versus living away from home. Use things like a shower chair and shower wand. Maybe needs an elevated toilet seat to more easily get up and down.
A good rehab and good skilled care will work with the patient to get to potential while also making life be more fulfilling than just ‘giving up’. Activities, going to the dining facilities instead of eating in one’s room, etc.
Some are more accepting of the decline of health. Some have spiritual/church/faith resources to also help navigate.But one does need to stand pretty firm on safety/health issues - for the patient and the family.