We found out that my father in law was refusing showers because he needed assistance and was embarrassed to be naked with the caregivers.
@GTalum that was my FIL’s problem at home with female assist. H told him during our visit (when H helped him with shower, as MIL could no longer do) he needed to get over that, he can keep his privates covered…and it has been much better.
At the skilled care/rehab I work at, they really don’t allow residents to go w/o showering - we have a schedule, and some are done during the day and some are done in the evening. On non-shower days, they get cleaned up well - with help if needed. We do have a few male aids, and more guys with Physical Therapy. Usually for ADL therapy work, they can match up male professional with male resident, and female professional with female resident, but not at the CNA level.
@tx5athome - any chance they have tried baths or jacuzzis with your father? My parents place had step-in while dry tubs, that filled slowly. Was comfortable and the staff had ways to ensure modesty. I think some residents may feel less vulnerable sitting down in a body-hiding bubble bath.
@surfcity - every situation is different, so ymmv. For me, moving parents nearby 12 years ago was the best decision ever, then, and in hindsight. (My mother died 10 years ago and my father last month.)
I’m with you on minimizing moves and anticipating decline and crises. With the help of their Drs and wish to be nearby, we walked them through a big change that made everything work.
I hope all find the best answers. It is challenging enough even when you do.
@MaineLonghorn - have you been able to review your mother’s checkbook, bank statement and a few recent bills? That may help you contextualize her bounced checks.
Also, in general, if one is visiting an elder, casually observing while they pay bills (or drive, cook, make a business call, do laundry, etc.) can be highly valuable data for where they are with daily tasks. I have found it both poignant and troubling to see how hard most work to retain the appearance of competency. Any head’s up you can get before it falls apart is a plus.
((HUGS)) to @surfcity !! I wish I had some advice other than to take care of yourself too!
Two questions for anyone who can help::
-
Has anyone changed jobs when going through changing elder care issues? If so, or you’re thinking about it, do you think I’m correct that I really should change jobs if I want to for job-related reasons, and hope for the best?
-
Is there any way to find out how/if Medicare or Medigap would cover PT, OT, and prescriptions after the 100 days at a skilled nursing facility run out, and the parent is not able to return home? (in his case, he needs to go on psychiatric medication, but it was delayed, and we want him inpatient somewhere until his mood/memory are stable or determined not to be changeable)
For @MaineLonghorn : I am doing the finances for my dad, which is weird because I don’t do them in my own house!
Here is a story about such situations: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/new-debit-card-offers-elders-safer-way-to-pay-161211.htm
Another thing I heard of is to have elderly relatives use prepaid Visa cards, and it will be rejected if the amount isn’t available. You also can provide a little cash in case one runs out. Some people even use store-specific gift cards for their elderly relatives.
An interesting thing I just thought of - we talk about taking away the car keys from an elderly person, but not many people talk about taking away their checkbook. If someone’s financial situation is at risk, isn’t it also very important to pull the reins on that, as much as it is to cut driving? It can be a matter of life and death for a person to run out of money for medical and other bills.
Try the “Is my test, item, or service covered?” here: https://www.medicare.gov/
@rhandco No, I have not changed jobs, but I thought about it so I could be closer to my folks. If you need a job change, I would do it as caregiving needs, at least with my parents, tend to be unpredictable.
I haven’t had to take the checkbook away as writing checks has become to complicated for my folks. I do worry about the credit card, but the statements are no delivered to my house for review.
Just a quick update. I have looked at a personal care community near me and I think it is clear I have to move my folks. I stayed with mom all weekend after she was discharged from rehab and while she is doing great considering all she went thru, she is ready to give up cooking and I know she needs oversight in managing her meds. And taking care of dad is too much.
I slept on the sofa and looked at all their things and mentally was deciding what to donate, what to trash and what they could take with them. I just moved them out of their house 18 months ago. This is quite an inefficient 18 months, financially 
@rhandco I have not changed jobs (I am lucky I still have mine!) but I do have 2 friends who actually ended up quitting their jobs to care for aging mothers. Both of their moms died within a year and they are now currently jobless. One is fine considering herself “retired” but I think the other one would love to have a similar job back.
I definitely went from “unemployed” to “retired” before and after a 5-year stint taking care of my dad and stepmother. And now, three years later at the age of 69, I will be starting school in August to become an MSW!
@surfcity, there’s just no way to envision the future. Now I can look back on the final two years of my father’s life and see how he was falling apart. But it didn’t seem that way while it was happening, not at all. Best of luck with this,it seems like the right thing to do.
If one works at a company big enough to need to follow the family leave act where one can take up to 6 months to care for a family member (after paperwork/doc signature). One has to weigh things out. If one exits the job market, unlikely to get back in at same level/pay.
I just yelled at the customer service lady from DirectTV about my parent’s bill. Does this happen to others? Or am I just stressed and crazy? They are the new TV service at their CCRC in which 3 months of “free” Showtime was given that needed to be cancelled or they would be auto charged (“bBut we told everyone it would need to be cancelled” says the CCRC. As if that works for my parents).
It started out cordial enough, first establishing that they need POA papers to talk with me. I sent them and asked what could be done now as, in my experience, it usually takes about 2 weeks for the papers to be reviewed by legal. She then proceeded to tell me that I might be able to cancel Showtime but “no way” could I void the 2 months of charges as they were “legitimate” charges. I explained they were not legitimate as the contract was made with demented people. She then felt like she needed to give me attitude back and attested that if I was a “proper” POA I would have noticed the bill earlier (I had noticed it the first month but Dad claimed he was told it was a mistake and to ignore it. I started investigating it at the second bill). She also claimed that if my parents wanted me involved they would have asked to include me when the contract was signed. She told me she can make the decisions (of course her manager wasn’t there) and that was that.
Anyway, much ado about nothing (thanks for the patience) as it’s only $36 but I was furious and fumed all day. She of course, gave me the wrong e-mail address and I called back to get the correct one and talked to a much nicer agent, who while not promising anything, offered sympathy about my “difficult” and “frustrating” situation and someone would get in touch in about 2-3 days (which I don’t believe but I know to call back in 2-3) Really, all it takes is some sort of understanding about one’s predicament.
Should I report the agent? Or am I just stressed, crazy, and shouldn’t be allowed to conduct official business?
@GTalum I don’t have any advice but I totally sympathize with you. EVERYTHING is hard. Even simple things. Sometimes you get someone nice who will do the right thing for you (while telling you that technically they are not allowed to). But more often than not I get sent into a never ending loop. I don’t have POA, which makes things even more difficult. My dad has no insight into his illness and thinks he is perfectly fine. Luckily he was an attorney and set up his Trust/Medical Directive so that if two physicians agree that he is incompetent my sister and I can take over So we were able to take over all of his trust accounts and his medical care. But simple things like changing the address on his IRA, or cancelling auto insurance on a car he doesn’t own anymore is incredibly frustrating.
^that. Well I have on occasion gotten a rather increased voice and that really does not help. I had POA and still… Asking for the manager usually does not help. Anything I could do online I did.
It turns out both agents game me the wrong e-mail address. I called again and talked to someone who says they will be able to void the charges and a different e-mail. She was very nice. Even it’s the wrong e-mail address again, I appreciate the kindness.
Me, too. I’ve set up most of Mom’s accounts online so that I can pay bills, reorder prescriptions, transfer funds from savings to checking, etc. And I won’t deny that I’ve impersonated her a time or two when calling companies. I do have a POA but it’s not always easy to get a place to accept it.
I have a coworker who has POA for her father, who has dementia. She said that one health-care worker gave her a hard time recently when she attempted to make an appointment for her father, even after she explained the reason the primary agent, her mom, was not calling. Her mom died several months ago.
Then there is Netflix with the CSR who, upon hearing from my friend whose father had it on autopay but hadn’t accessed it in at least two years, cheerfully refunded every penny. They can tell if it had been used and have the authority to deal with such things.
CCR shouldn’t be able to have dementia residents approve anything.
The POA thing can be just ridiculous. I have to admit to not being above insinuating that I am the senior when I called to deal with things during the transition, like, um, Comcast.