We are having TV/phone/Internet/security trouble now too. We are thinking of cancelling the whole shebang, and switching to a low-cost security option, and canceling phone, TV, and Internet for now.
On the health front, my dad does seem to be responding positively to his psych medication, but a close relative who wasn’t sick just died pretty much out of the blue. Relatives are telling me how they were so worried about him, now they say they regret not seeing the other relative more.
The next challenge is he wants to go to the funeral, so we’ll be taking an old guy with diapers and a Foley in a wheelchair into a church…Wish us luck!
Yes, much luck @rhandco What a heroine task. How far would you have to travel?
@rhandco - all the best with the trip to the funeral. This in-between phase seems particularly challenging; when there is enough engagement to have a “plan”, but not necessarily the wherewithal to make it smooth sailing. May the force be with you.
OK, new problem. My Dad, with dementia, in Memory Care, who hasn’t showered in weeks, has now fallen in love with a woman, who also has dementia, who lives in his Memory Care. The problem is that he has been acting sexually inappropriate. Ugh. When he was having physical therapy he was too exhausted to cause trouble. So our idea is find someone (like a dog-walker but for a senior) to come in, and take him out a couple times a week (and a bonus would be if they could get him to shower, since the staff try but are not successful). My sister went to see him yesterday and tried to talk to him about what is appropriate and what isn’t appropriate.
Oh my @tx5athome. I would think that a Memory Care unit staff has seen these sorts of things before. Particularly the shower issue. Does he need assistance in showering and does not want someone watching/helping him? Is there a family member who can help him? I don’t know what other strategies work with dementia but I imagine they encounter this a lot.
Does the community have on site activities or do you really feel you need to get him “out” to wear him out? I also think that they will have experience with inappropriate sexual behavior in dementia patients. Have they given you any tips? (I guess not or you would not be on here 
)
Have you read The Thirty Six Hour Day? It’s supposed to be wonderful and it looks like there is a chapter on inappropriate sexual behavior.
The consensus tips for dealing with sexually inappropriate behavior are to make the person’s clothing harder to remove, if that’s an issue, and redirect them from inappropriate comments.
Is it possible to keep your father away from the woman he is targeting with his inappropriate behavior? Separation can be one answer.
For the showering, he is not modest, they have both male and female staff who try to help him, he just simply refuses. I He is not an easy-going guy, and he puts up such a fuss and they don’t want to force him. Once they made him change his shirt and he told me they beat him up. He recently had a gout attack and so now his excuse is it is bad for his gout. His facility is new, he was the 4th resident and now they have 16, so I think for some of these issues, a more experienced facility might have been better. They have a lot of activities, they have an activities director who comes in 8 hours a day. They go on van rides, he says he doesn’t want to go. He loved the first activities director, but she moved. He likes the new one, but they don’t have the same relationship. They called me on the phone to tell me about the "incident’ and I felt like it was the preschool teacher calling to say my kid was biting. What can I do?
I have not read Thirty Six Hour Day. Sounds like I need to. Thanks for the tip. I will pick it up.
They used to call me about my mother and I felt the same way. Like they were calling me about a problem child I never had! I usually asked them what I could do and then try to do it. I was 1500 miles away, however. They eventually got used to her ways and how to deal with her. This is the reason I never moved her because I knew she was hard to deal with. She hated showers too but she could be told she had to do it and she listened.
How does it work in the AL/MC areas with them being sexual? If they are both good with it, is it allowed? Or do they try to stop both mutual and one sided activity?
My sibs want to be ostriches and will not talk about any help our folks need. Yesterday we were all at a brother’s house for an Easter Party. Mom had messed her clothing and needed to shower and change and was then driven home. The sibs were talking about how embarrassing it was and I mentioned it was not the first time she has had an “accident,” but then they didn’t want to talk about it and then changed the subject. It is hard to have any real conversations about the changing and increasing needs of our parents as no one is interested in talking or committing more toward anything, so everyone just is surprised when incidents occur.
They also agree that the folks need to get out more and especially that mom should continue to be driven to see her friends but none are interested in helping make that happen. They also don’t believe the folks should be driving but don’t want to take steps regarding that either. There are lots of loose ends and suggestions about “shoulds.”
@Himom, I guess there are some advantages to not really having any help, you decide, you do, anyone else can keep their comments to themselves.
Yes, everyone does what they choose to. It feels a bit hit and miss, but that’s all folks are willing to do. When we were going out of town, we asked if anyone would be willing to drive the folks to the theater while we were gone (several others have tickets as well). Not one of my sibs would or even answered my text message, so we switched our tickets and my folks.’
It is what it is, I guess.
Himom, my sympathy and empathy. It was a very lonely feeling to me to know I was alone in managing the care and lives of my dad and stepmother.
It’s weird that there are so many of us but none are willing to talk about it or step up and volunteer to organize anything. Everyone helps in his or her own way, but no one wants to talk about the problems and how to address them in any significant or meaningful way.
My folks live alone in a huge house that one brother and SIL help them clean periodically.
Dad used to have H trim his trees until I told dad WE paid to gave folks trim our trees and it wasn’t a good idea for H to do it any more. Dad wouldn’t ask any of my brothers or SILs. Dad at last decided to pay for someone to do that, finally.
Himom, with your work, do you have connections to anyone who advocates for the elderly, who might explain (to sibs, in a non-partisan way,) how your parents’ increasing needs and “slips” can be anticipated and proactively dealt with? Cuz a lot of this is falling on you- and in some cases, after the fact.
My relatives are healthcare professionals, including MDs and dentist. They have as much access as they desire to whatever resources they deem appropriate. They just choose to be ostriches because that’s the preferred mode. Denial runs strong, especially when facing reality is inconvenient.
My H is over a decade older than my brothers and SILs, yet my dad prefers to call on him because H will normally come and help where everyone else is “too busy.”
I need to read the 36 hour day. I feel like I’ve been living it lately. Mom is sliding downhill a little and I’m not sure if it’s normal dementia progression or something else. Flushing pads, forgetting how to change into new depends (yes, pants and shoes come off to pull new pair on), thinking my brother is here (not here for two years), barely able to walk with assistance, etc. Each bathroom trip is now taking an hour or more. She does want to do it herself, which adds to the difficulties. I’ve unhinged the handle so she can’t flush pads anymore. I check the bowl, then take off the lid and flush using the chain. Wow, is this all time intensive. I feel for the rest - no sibling support here either.
Sending hugs to all who are juggling their own lives along with their elderly parents, and offering thanks for this forum and the wonderful people who listen, share and offer help.
There is a child/ dog lock you can get for the toilet. Never tried it but that may help.
Thanks for the suggestion! I didn’t know there were locks for the handle. We had a lid lock back in the day. I’ll look into this.