We just added a half tablet of Imodium to mom’s morning meds a month ago. Her complete incontinence (with multiple daily messes) was becoming a definite problem for several months. This addition has helped tremendously with daily cleanup and laundry.
Remembering to take meds including inhalers to ease breathing is a big challenge.
I’m reminded of my FIL who at 88 did not have dementia, being asked the name of the president said “William B Chester” just to mess with them. They didn’t fall for it.
@HImom After my parents moved to independent living 4 years ago, it took about 3 months to get them back to baseline. I hope this happens for your parents.
@psychmomma, have you tried adding fiber to your mom’s diet?
We think it’s the donepezil. She gets pretty much fiber.
@psychmomma, donepezil was the problem for my stepmother. She had the runs all the time until she stopped taking it.
@psychmomma Is the Donepezil having enough effect that it’s worth that side-effect?
Ask the percentage of residents at assisted living or SNF who wear Depends. lt tends to be high. Great to get Drs on board; also may work to minimize discussion and swap out underwear (that no longer works) for disposables in drawers, noting they may appreciate the convenience of being able to throw the used ones away. Many elder facilities view prominent accidents as a cause for an uptick in level of care and, of course, dignity counts here.
Once this addressed , it is often routine and a non-issue. Hope that is encouraging.
GT, it’s hard to know if her dementia would be progressing more or not without it. It was prescribed following a hospitalization that sent her on a downturn.
Yikes, if the old folks aren’t incontinent, they need a Foley!
I’m not sure how many of you have had a Foley - I have, and I have to say, I’d rather wear diapers!
A few people do well with a foley. The rest use ‘briefs’. Serious briefs (adult diapers) if totally incontinent.
Lots of ‘losses’ with getting older…
NOTE: Just venting here!
OMG, my sisters are going to drive me crazy. My youngest sister lives near mom, the middle one lives 3 hours east and I live 7 hours east. We are all in mom’s/sister’s town to make a decision on helping her move from her somewhat isolated condo to an apartment near my local sister. Mom’s not thrilled with the idea, but willing to move because she knows how isolated she is. Although she was driving up until a couple of months ago, she really doesn’t want to, so being in a more urban environment, in an apartment, should be easier. Problem is, my sisters, each with her own baggage and issues, came to a screaming match in a restaurant last night where we had all gone, together, to have dinner and, I thought, discuss the move in a general way. Sister #2 thought we were there to “schedualize” mom’s life, and sister #3 thought we were there to discuss Thanksgiving. Problem is, Sister #2 thrives on schedule and order and wants Sister #3 to comply, while sister #3 needs to know she has the flexibility to get things done as they work for her. It’s a longstanding feud fueled in part by birth order but mostly by personality. Confused yet?
As the oldest, my mother has always looked to me (not sure why but I’m less volatile an the classic "pleaser), and I’m sure it annoys the living sh*t out of my sisters. I have always been the conduit through which each vents their frustrations/anger and I’ve had it. I don’t want to mediate, and I don’t want to read long-winded explanations (a specialty of sister #3), I just want it to work for mom. I offered to have her move near me and she doesn’t want to. We suggested a continuing care type of independent living and she doesn’t want that environment or to have to make that kind financial outlay. Reality is, we’re it and since sister #3 is local, my feeling is to defer to her when possible because the other two of us can’t do the day-to-day. Problem is, sister #2 is not on the same page.
This move is going to be difficult and stressful on a lot of counts and i hope it doesn’t kill her. Or us.
So sorry. Hugs.
@runnersmom, I think it makes sense for the local sis to have the most input. She will deal with any day to day issues. Nobody realizes how dysfunctional (describing my own family here) their family is until the siblings all need to make decisions about the parents’ care! I still can’t tell which is worse- too much involvement or not enough.
Sorry that dinner didn’t go as you had hoped.
As the youngest and as the one who is 100% responsible for our parents and the decisions, I would highly support giving autonomy to the person who is doing the daily work. Unless sis#2 wants to take over the daily heavy lifting, she needs to step back, shut up, and be supportive.
Hmmm, I guess that hit a chord with me!
Lol @somemom - I’m the 100% one too and feel the same.
I am the 100% one too and I agree too! But I give you majors props for offering to move Mom closer to you.
Sympathy from me, too. Sounds like you’re all trying to be good daughters, each in her own way. Sounds like, together, you’re all looking at valid points:
Mom’s happiness/QoL now, the easy stuff, mostly same turf and routines as now, and D3 is willing, maybe doing some of this already?
Her evolving medical needs, getting to doc appts and all that. It does mean scheduling, meeting appts. Maybe getting her to other things like the senior center. Sounds like D2 is focused on this? D3 realizes it may grow?
3, the potential decline, that phase so many here deal with, whether forgetfulness, dementia, falls, and more. You’ll cross that bridge at some point.
It’s all 3. Best wishes.
Add me in to being 100% supportive of sis #3. As the conduit, one thing you can do is be persistent in telling sis #2 to be supportive of the sister doing all the heavy lifting. It’s terrible to be the one responsible with others second guessing your every move. It’s really not fair.
Thanks for all the support - I agree that sis #3 should have full autonomy to deal with day-to-day matters and I am trying to get through to #2!
My BIL (husband of sister #3) managed, through local real estate colleagues, to get the rent reduced on the apartment and I met with the realtor (also recommended by BIL) to get her townhouse on the market soon. We’re signing the lease on 11/24 to begin on 12/1 and the goal is to get her moved by 1/1. BIL really is a gem and I’ve told him as much. He says he’s willing to do all we need him to do and he can do many things efficiently because while he loves our mom, he doesn’t have the same baggage or emotional connection that we do.
Sister #2 just doesn’t really understand how difficult it is to process what she thinks are suggestions but come across as directives…she did it to me yesterday about questions for the broker and when I pushed back she accused me of being defensive. 50+ years of history on the table for all to see!
Yes, we understand that things will be more difficult, at least in the short run as we sell the condo, get the new apartment ready and move her in, but the good news is she will be 6 minutes from #3 as opposed to 20 (including a trip over a toll bridge) and #3 has two teenaged kids who are close to Grandma, so they can just stop by. The apartment is huge, and has 2 bedrooms in case we ultimately need live-in caregivers. Right now she’s ok by herself, but we have to have more and more safeguards in place, of course. One thing we discovered at our initial visit to the geriatric specialist, who will become her primary, is that there is a local pharmacy that will take her daily meds (she is on like 10 different meds, all reviewed and necessary) and package them in daily packets, so no one has to fill those little boxes–a task off #3’s plate. Note to all - I had heard that a good geriatrician is worth his/her weight in gold and after meeting this guy, I agree. He spent an hour with us, and really “saw” mom. He was cautious but reasonable, not quick to prescribe but to listen, and very focused on problem prevention and solutions (see his recommendation re: the pill issue). Her cardiologist recommended his practice and we think it will be a fabulous resource for us and for her going forward.
Speaking with friends, I realize our situation is far from unique with aging parents and siblings. I also think that we (the quintessential sandwich generation) are dealing with these issues for longer than, say, our parents did, as people live longer due to healthier lifestyles and medical advances. Add to that many of our children delaying their own marriages and families until their late 20’s/early 30’s, so we are in more active “parent” mode for a longer period of time, even though those kids are older and even self-supporting. Until they have their own nuclear families, I feel like like we, their parents, are still their primary source of emotional support and family.
Phew, it’s a long road but I’m grateful to still have mom in our lives and I hope this move will make this stage of her life easier for her and for us!