I had a Facebook message from my mom’s hairdresser this morning, called her, and discovered that my dad fell (again) yesterday. The hairdresser, who also owns the salon, called them when mom missed her appointment and found out that mom had tried to get him up, failed, and was at a loss. She grabbed a couple of her staff, went to their house, got my dad up, cleaned up his scrapes, dressed him and got him downstairs. Mom never called to tell me, and she didn’t call 911 to help him out.
Because I can no longer trust either her judgment or that she will let me know what’s going on, I’ve decided to play the heavy. I called my parents to tell them that I’ll be down this weekend to move them to the first floor. Since I’m on a roll, I also said that I was going to work with them to set up ways for them to get around other than driving, which none of us thinks that Dad should still do, and that I want to set up a daily check-in, either in person or by phone. To say that Dad is pissed is an understatement, and I’m really looking forward to a lovely weekend…
^ Stay strong! Sounds like a good decision on your part. It’s so frustrating when parents need to stay safe, but don’t agree with our assessment of the best way to accomplish that.
Agree. @NerdMom88, i think this is the hardest part of “parenting” parents. I probably can’t understand exactly how hard it must be for them to feel like we, their children, are treating them as children, but what choice do we have when their decision-making skills become impaired? I try my best to present things as choices, allowing her to retain as much autonomy as possible, but sometimes it’s just not possible.
You have to do what will keep them safe, hard as that can be sometimes. Good luck.
My older brother and sister had a meeting with the 55+ community where our folks are living. Dad is VERY rude to the valets who are bringing his car and dangerous driver. Brother coached dad to be polite and charming so dad was. If there are any more complaints he will lose his parking privileges!
One sis suggested everyone take the folks out once every day and everyone choose a different day. The issue is dad only wants to do what he wants when he wants and will turn you down any other time. He is not interested or willing to adapt and turns down folks regularly when he doesn’t want to do what they have planned. No one responded to sis’ suggestion.
Neither mom nor dad does ANY of the many activities the 55+ community has, including free shuttle rides daily, library, pool, exercise room, free classes on variety of subjects including art, music, and more.
I set up a daily companion to come for one hour to watch my then 92 yo mother. She would refuse to answer the door, tell them to came back later, etc. she refused their help sweeping the floor etc. I asked them to talk or play cards.
There is a lot of flexing on both ends of the elder care equation. Safety issues do need to be addressed in the most optimal way possible. Incidents like the fall @NerdMom88 describes contain so much data and are a call to action. “Playing the heavy” makes good sense. May the force be with you.
@HImom.Having your father lose his parking privileges would be the best outcome if he is not safe on the road. Then no one has to be the heavy and trips have to be pre-arranged with family or facility drivers. Given the diversity of opinions within the family, I would welcome his car being out of the picture due to an external source.
This stuff isn’t for the faint of heart. I am grateful for the degree to which my parents were able to cooperate; even with that there was a ton of talk and finessing. I also owned stuff to try to make it less humiliating. Like, “Knowing Dad should no longer be driving, I couldn’t live with myself if I let a tragedy happen.” It was also true.
I believe our early C-mas visit with 88 YO in-laws will go better because H’s brother and SIL won’t be there - they both are extremely obese (BIL is a compulsive eater, has to shoot up insulin and check his blood sugar often during the day) along with their other ‘baggage’ including BIL having gotten lazy and fallen away from religion of upbringing. DD2 is coming with us, and she is doted on (as are all the grand-daus, since in-laws had 4 boys and no daughters). We also will be in and out versus being there the entire week. Able to go to nearby state to visit sister and her family over the weekend.
My 9 months working in skilled care/rehab facility has been eye opening.
Agree 100% on getting an excellent geriatric MD - and glad you got the right person for your mom @runnersmom
A friend was an only child, and her H was a gem with her mom. Glad your BIL is like that @runnersmom.
We are lucky that the 2 brothers that live close to the in-laws have things pretty much under control with in-laws now.
Having a very good doctor really helps un-complicate using all that medicine can offer, including use of helpful over the counter drugs.
Having the right doctor at the right time can be hit or miss. DD2 had a very serious medical situation occur pretty quickly - and it turns out the specialist she needed was seeing another patient at the hospital (DD had CT scan orders and steroid orders from urgent care, and was waiting in hospital ER for CT scan to be read and to be seen by this specialist) was Vanderbilt trained for 7 years. He put her in the hospital with strong IV antibiotics and did the follow up surgery necessary 3 days later - if the infection had been untreated or under-treated, the infection could have gone to her brain or to her chest…instead she was able to have a clean bill of health in a quicker time due to aggressive and timely intervention.
Yes, there is a free shuttle that is available to all residents, they just have to give notice at least the night before so the driver will know how many people to expect and drive the correct size vehicle.
We have been discussing dad’s driving for a very long time. He will not listen to us but if the facility takes away his parking space that will be the end of his driving, I believe, but who knows?
It is hard to get agreement among all the 7 of us “kids,” as everyone has different degrees of denial/acceptance of how things are.
After FIL’s stroke when he was under doctor’s orders not to drive, he snuck out of the house and drove. DH hid the keys, and let his siblings know where the keys were for times when they were on duty to take FIL to an appointment. FIL was furious at having the keys taken, and pressured BIL to give them back. Fortunately no one was hurt, but it was just incomprehensible that BIL would have allowed him out on the road. There are innocent people out there.
@NerdMom88 echoing the others to “stay strong.” Just a note, I never knew about falls either, but, because they are physically strong, both parents could get up on their own and then falls were promptly forgotten. Not their fault I didn’t know, but a clear sign they needed more care.
@HImom your parents remind me a bit of mine when they first moved to independent living at their retirement community. They couldn’t take advantage of the activities because they didn’t have the executive function to look at a schedule, choose an activity, and then go. They also lacked the executive function to plan ahead enough time to order a car and once I took the car away, they were “stuck” there. Of course, this same lack of executive function means they should not have been driving. I hope the siblings can agree to take away the keys. Sis’s idea does not sound sustainable.
Sadly, it takes awhile for family members to agree and recognize his limited their executive function is—for good. It’s a delicate dance. I sure wish it were easier but it is what it is.
I came across an article today on the topic of setting boundaries when your aging parents want/need help. I thought it offered practical advice. It’s written from a faith perspective, so if you don’t think that way, this might not be for you. The article did reference the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend, which I have found quite helpful.
Anyway, I thought this might be helpful to some who are in the trenches.
I really like it when seniors do such helpful things, including praying for others. Some seniors lose mental and physical faculties, but some can do more than they do and look to being the center of attention…
I struggle with this and am looking for suggestions. Since I’ve moved my parents to their personal care home, I have no doubt they are in the right place. However, she is more able bodied than the other residents and would like to have something “useful.” She does help set and clear the table for meals. I’m told she even helps with the dishes and enjoys helping in the kitchen. And of course, she helps in orienting dad (other than those times she is not oriented herself). But, I think knitting will be to difficult (remembering the stitch even over a period of a few seconds will not work) and certainly not crochet. I bought some simple round weaving looms https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004JIFCXO/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1
that I think might work, though someone will need to remind her how to use it every time she works on it.
If they have an activities director, @GTalum talk to them. Maybe you can buy some simple craft kits for her to do - something for different seasons. For example, at our skilled care facility (nursing home) the activities director had some of those foam kits - there were a few male residents that got a lot of joy out of making something pretty/cute - thanksgiving themed. Higher skills have more options.
Even doing something that seems simple to you - for example putting in baggies some things to be donated (like small bottles of shampoo and other supplies for homeless shelter) - you buy all the supplies and let her bag them up to ‘help you out’.
People get joy out of being useful.
Many enjoy craft hobbies - just have to find a craft to their abilities.
@GTalum, does she read? My stepmother, at some point on the way down the ladder with her cognition, became a fan of romance novels. Then for a while, one lasted forever–she’d start it all over every day. She used to like to read out loud to her aide.
I’m sure this must be painful for you to observe. But kudos to you for getting them to a place better suited to their needs at this stage, and so much more convenient for you.
Ok ladies - I could use some suggestions. Today I saw my MIL and discovered that she really needs some new clothing. Her mobility has decreased and now the kind of clothing that works best for her is elastic waist pants (and a somewhat wider leg than what is current - no leggins/jegins type pants) and easy on tops/blouses. She is slim (so a place like Lane Bryant wouldn’t be for her).
Getting out is becoming more challenging (she is on O2 now) so I raised the possibility of online shopping. Of course he rejected the idea right away but began to warm up to the idea as I went over the pros and cons. One last detail - she does not like to spend much on clothing.
Suggestions please! Where do our moms get their clothing.