@somemom - thank you for sharing that. I do feel like a terrible person, but the logistics of getting him around are going to be a nightmare. I have plans to rent a golf cart to get between events. And, I would be more willing to accommodate him if he weren’t such a difficult personality.
Re: managing elders for graduations, weddings and big events- I believe this is a no-guilt zone. If there is no one other than the primary celebrants to manage elder needs, run to lavs, handle unexpected terrain, etc, I would not bring the elder. If they need a full time care giver to navigate the event, maybe it isn’t the right event for them. My not so helpful sibling was surprised that I wasn’t taking my barely mobile father with severe memory loss 700 miles to DD’s college graduation. Uh, no. I knew if he needed the lavatory as DD was about to be receive her diploma, it would have been on DH and I to take him. Plus, in my observation the very things that make it challenging to assist an elder also make it less advantageous to the elder to be there. He was happier in his own bed. Thank goodness for easy videos as many events carry on for well past what a frailer elder can enjoy (or sometimes even do).
Does anyone have recent experience with “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” devices? My mom is 89, still lives by herself in a house, still works part time, and uses a walker, which she leaned on when she shouldn’t have this morning and fell down. Fortunately, my sister is visiting and was able to help M get back up. But this incident finally has convinced my mom to try a help-summoning device. I volunteered to do research about the devices. Thanks in advance.
I think it’s time to take my grandmothers car keys, she will be 90 this fall. She lives in a two family with her older sister who also still drives so her transportation won’t really be limited. My great however, doesn’t want this because doesn’t feel like dealing with the fallout. Any suggestions?
@travelnut - I couldn’t agree more, but I can’t stop them from coming. I’m not sure at this point if fil is going to be capable. Time will tell - commencement isn’t until mid-June. It would save me a ton of money if they did NOT come! He had booked a HORRIBLY reviewed hotel for the two of them (in addition to being a PITA he is also cheap - even though they have plenty of resources). I couldn’t stand the thought of mil being subjected to what he had selected, so I am paying for a hotel room for them at our hotel. Additionally, I plan to rent a golf cart for the weekend to help with navigating the huge campus.
@rosered55 – we went with a device from ADT. You have to purchase the necklace type in order to have the fall protection feature. Apparently some of these devices are sold as bracelets where the user notifies the company when she has fallen; I wanted something that would know she had fallen if she happened to crack her head, etc.
They all come with what I will call a squawk box. If the device detects that my mother has fallen, an attendant will check on her at a VERY HIGH volume. My mother then needs to tell the attendant that she is fine, or that she needs help. OK, two pathways now. The thing has some false positives (leaning back on couch, leaning down to dry herself after shower & didn’t have hearing aids in so did not hear squawk box) and if my mother does not respond quickly enough, ADT will send the police & EMS to my mother’s door. This happened a couple of times, but I don’t think it has happened since we requested a replacement necklace, so either the necklace was too sensitive or my mother has become a better user of the product.
Second pathway: my mother lives in a ranch but the garage is off the basement, one flight below the living quarters. She fell flat on her face onto the concrete garage floor and was out of hearing/talking range of the squawk box, so when she did not respond, EMS & police were dispatched. So…I cannot see buying one of these w/o the fall detection feature even though it adds to the price.
We paid monthly for the first month so that she could try it out and then converted to an annual payment with saved some money. I didn’t want to be locked into an annual payment if she hated it. Meanwhile, her fall in the garage happened within two weeks of activating the device.
Ask your family how they would feel if she hit someone in a parking lot and caused a traumatic brain injury, forcing him to give up his work, spend a month in the hospital, move twice in two years and end up putting his spouse in the hospital (almost dying) from the stress of caring for him?
Sorry to be snarky, but that is exactly what happened to my father when an 86 year old woman in a brand new Mercedes hit him while trying to back up. She confused her brake and accelerator. And could not understand why by standers prevented her from leaving until the police got there.
I am the first one to say it is really difficult to take away the car keys. I had to take away my dad’s keys because his TBI left him unable to drive safely. Then I had to take away my mom’s keys after she was hospitalized. Now I have to drive them everywhere they need to go, all doctor appointments, shopping etc. It is a huge inconvenience, but I could not live with the guilt if I did this to another family.
@partyof5 – I had to convince my mother to stop driving a year & a half ago. She resisted me and was unhappy at the time, but it became apparent that it was for the best. I may have acted too quickly, but I would never have forgiven myself if I had waited to act until she had hurt someone or herself.
She uses a patchwork of taxi rides and hired hourly help. It is not ideal, but it is very clear now that she could not be driving. Wish I had any useful suggestions.
But if you’ve a resistant parent, be prepared. DH literally had discussions with the police as FIL kept calling to have him arrested for grand theft auto 
My H’s cousins refused to take their dad’s keys away until he left the house on Eastern LI one day and was found in Atlantic City two days later, with no idea about how he got there. Thankfully, he was ok and it doesn’t seem that he had any accidents, but still… He asks for the car frequently and is told that it’s in the shop, or so and so has borrowed it or whatever and that placates him. H’s cousins now realize that they waited too long.
@partyof5 Taking away key is one of the hardest things to do. Unfortunately, the elder doesn’t know that if it was possible not to do it, you wouldn’t. Somehow, after driving with dad, and us getting in a small accident due to his poor driving, and proving to him that he didn’t know the basic of driving a car such a getting gas and reading the gas gauge, he handed me the keys. He told everyone for the next year it was my suggestion but his decision. But, such a process takes time to be spent with the elder while driving and a trusting relationship. I was fortunate.
@GTalum that’s the hard part. We are not there so it probably would be easier. The way it stands now, it’s like we are just riding into town and bossing her around.
@surfcity - I am so sorry.
Gogo grandparent is a service my friend’s mom uses so that she still can be active. They text the person who set up the acct when the elder calls did a ride. They will pick up at the elder’s home or wherever the elder was last driven to. They will text when elder is picked up and when elder arrives at destination. Lyft and Uber are what they use to actually get the person from point A to point B.
It’s more than Uber or Lyft but it keeps the person who set up the acct in the loop as to when transportation is requested and to where and when the person is out and about. The person enrolled can use any phone and just talk. No smart phone is required.
@partyof5 when I first started noticing memory loss, I worked for a couple of years to move them closer to me (we were 4 hours away by plane). Once they did, I was able to establish a trusting relationship and start assisting in little ways that moved to bigger ways. It did take many years of planning. But, it was easier than worrying about crisis I didn’t know about.
About taking the keys: I read once that a family disabled the car and the elder person called a mechanic! They will find a way to replace keys too!!!
Seriously, I used what I call the “third party principle.” I use third parties to do things that are difficult with my mother. So I told her that there was concern about her driving and I wanted her to do an evaluation at rehab so the matter could be settled. I said if she really wanted to drive, this could prove to others that she was still capable, and if it was no longer safe, we needed to know that too. I would say, um, I was pretty manipulative but essentially honest.
The rehab took her license away. They sent her a letter telling her that, and then she had to surrender the license and get an ID.
She talked about taking them to court for awhile but then it died down. She didn’t get mad at me, strangely.
I would suggest preparing the way…I didn’t just want to take it away without any plan in place. So a month before the evaluation we bought her an IPad and showed her how to do Uber. She is not capable of that afterall (should have known) so I order from afar. I made a list of everything she does and demonstrated that all could be accomplished without a car. I started doing errands for her as a “favor” so she could get used to not doing them herself- well before the evaluation. This worked to some extent.
However, without the car I do see a decline, more isolation, less of a feisty spirit.
She had a stroke 5 years ago and didn’t do very well on the rehab eval back then either, but in my judgment, back then, the things she failed were silly and the therapist confirmed none of the things were related to the stroke (she did not always top at the new white line our state has before stop signs for instance). So I took her to a local driving school, had them drive around with her, and when they said she did “fantastic” I asked them to write a letter and send it to her doctors and me. This worked well enough that she drove another 5 years.
My brothers did not want her to drive back then but I feel good about circumventing the system. In turn, I took responsibility when the time came to REALLY stop her driving, and at that point it was pretty darn certain I’m afraid.
I was lucky in the driving thing. My mother had no sense of direction, so when we all moved into the new house she had no clue of where we were; she handed me her car keys and that was that. My two oldest grandchildren learned to drive on that Buick, and we wish we still had it for the youngest but middle child basically destroyed it.
I pay all my parents bills. I got 2 bills this week for services relating to an ultrasound and a mobile X-ray my dad had done in January, in his assisted living apartment.
It added up to almost $700 which puzzled me, so I went and pulled the Explanation of Benefits form for these appointments. According to the EOBs, the patient is not responsible for the balance. The EOB lists the charge, the insurance payment amount and then the unpaid portion with a code next to it. The code says that this is the difference between the charge and the amount allowed by our agreement. The patient is not responsible for this amount.
So it looks like the provider is billing us anyway, just to see if we accidentally pay it?
I will call them, but this feels very fishy to me. Anyone run into something similar?
I run into something similar with my mammogram every year. I go to a participating imaging center, but the doctor who reads the MG is out of network, so I get a bill. When I call to have the bill resubmitted with an explanation, it is then fully covered. I truly believe this is a slimy, intentional, $$$-making tactic meant to take advantage of people, especially vulnerable seniors, who will pay the invoice without asking questions.
This has happened with medical bills I’ve received for my mom (and also our own), where the bills arrived before the EOB, and sometimes before the service provider had submitted or received word back from the insurance company that they were not entitled to any money from the patient. I don’t know if they are purposely shady, or if billing and claim processing are not in sync.