PARENTS:Did you pay your parents back?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>For college that is. My parents work very hard (1st generation immigrants) and make ~200K a year combined. I plan to go to undergrad and then med school. Tuition and housing costs are very expensive nowadays.</p>

<p>If I go to a selective undergrad, that’s ~40k a year including room and board. Med school is about the same. So that ends up being 320K. I would never want my parents to pay that much money, so I’m wondering if i should go to a cheaper school or promise to pay them back? What’s a reasonable range of years it will take me to pay them back as a doctor?</p>

<p>Would you accept money from your child?</p>

2

<p>I paid my mom back by: expressing appreciation for the sacrifices that she made for me; and by doing my best in my chosen careers; and by doing my best to be supportive to her in her old age when she needed my advice and emotional support. Unlike some of my peers, I felt that once I was grown, I should be the one giving my mom presents, not expecting her to do things for me like buy extras for my house, fund my travel, etc. For instance, if we were shopping together and I saw that Mom really liked an outfit, I’d insist on buying it for her even though she had the money to do that. I also enjoyed treating her to meals out and concerts.</p>

<p>I will never understand how so many very grown adults think that their parents still should be funding their vacations, buying their clothes, and furnishing their homes.</p>

<p>I would not want my kids to pay me back for money I spent for their college. I would want them to pay me back by using their education and talents to contribute to society in some way that makes the world a better place. How they did this would be up to them.</p>

3

<p>No, I would not want to be repaid. I would prefer that my son save for his children’s education (should he have children).</p>

4

<p>My thoughts are similar to other comments given … I “paid” my parents back by</p>

<p>1) Minimizing their expense while I was in school … through summer jobs, jobs during school, reasonable loans, and scholarships I kept my parents contribution to 33% of my undergrad expense and 0% or my grad expense. (I never explicitly paid back the 33% they paid)</p>

<p>2) I will return the favor and fund my kids educations as best I can</p>

<p>3) Hopefully growing up to be an adult of whom they are proud</p>

<p>Mom3togo and I have been lucky financially so far … there is no other way we’d rather use our assets than to help our kids get started in their lives. We do not expect monetary payback … we do expect appreciation and hopefully a well lived life.</p>

5

<p>“We do not expect monetary payback … we do expect appreciation and hopefully a well lived life.”</p>

<p>Well said. Expect it to be “paid forward”, rather than back.</p>

6

<p>Beautiful posts above! Yes, pay it forward. In the short term, as Northstarmom says, you can indicate appreciation soon, by picking up a restaurant tab or concert ticket as soon as you can. This will surprise them, I believe. They may not even let you pay, but to try tells them you understand the concept that you want to free them up as soon as possible from the smaller stuff. </p>

<p>After you graduate, try to find ways make your apartment a place they can come to visit for overnights. For example: Buy an extra sofabed at first and tell them they can stay with you, not in a motel, if they prefer. Later, as your life gets a bit easier financially, rent apartments with some spare space. Set it up as a study but put a double bed in there too, and tell them it’s their dedicated guestroom and you want them to visit. </p>

<p>These are all practical expressions that you are looking out for them and being considerate and welcoming.</p>

<p>If anything, parents may worry about their children caring for them in their old age. I know many parents of doctors who call upon their children for all kinds of help with medical care, referrrals when surgeries are needed, and you will have friends and colleagues you’ll know in many fields of medicine. If you call in to their doctors and consult to make sure they treat your parents well, “like glass” so precious, that will be very important to them in later years. </p>

<p>If together they now make $200K, they are very comfortable so you don’t have to be worried for their near future. I would look for small ways to pick up small tabs just to show you care. Even if they don’t let you, they’ll enjoy that you tried to pay. </p>

<p>If you reassure them you will take care of them in their old age–whether that means building on a house addition someday, getting into the face of nursing home people for best care, choosing work positions where you are not impossibly distant from them, and in all ways show you are still Family, this will make them very happy, I am guessing.</p>

<p>They will enjoy braggging rights with their friends and might be happier to talk about your big house someday than live in one themselves. They won’t need a big house, but will hope for you to make a good future and family here.</p>

<p>While the parents might pay for undergraduate education, I think most doctors take out loans to pay for medical school, sometimes l00% of the loans. Other doctors can reply, but it looks to me as though it takes about 10 years for you to repay those med school loans during your first l0 years of practice as a doctor. After that, you will begin to earn money you can keep and use as you please. If your parents are blessed with good health, they will see all of that and understand with great pride that their choice of immigration was a correct choice. </p>

<p>If they make $200K, I’d say go to the best undergrad school you can, to boost your chances of getting into a fine medical school. Don’t be “penny wise, pound foolish” and scrimp on undergrad education if you don’t have to at this moment. If everyone is comfortable at present, I’d say go to the most selective school they can afford at present…as long as THEY say they want this for you. Don’t second-guess them, in other words. If the difference between selective and not-selective is $20K per year, I think at $200K per year they will see this as a worthwhile investment in your future. Immigrants tend to think towards the long future; that’s how they got here, after all.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>PS, Make sure they are watching out for your younger brothers and sisters, too, who will also need educations. You might clear your conscience now by asking them, to make sure they are keeping some thought towards financing the younger ones’ educations, too. Hopefully they already have a plan in mind to educate everyone.</p>

7

<p>Here is what we have done in my family for 3 generations now: When eldest child goes to college, Mom and Dad pay… but on the day s/he graduates, he starts paying them back (as best he can). That money then goes to fund 2nds, 3rds, 4ths, etc. System gets a little touchy when there are 3 kids in college at the same time, but adjustments have been relatively easy. </p>

<p>For my own children, we have been fairly lucky. They all work to fund their own entertainment, transportation, books, etc. And we have been able to fund their tuitions and R&Bs, thanks primarily to the generosity of others (grants/scholarships/merit aid, etc.). All our kids know that they are expected to assist their younger sibs, in all endeavors, not just academics. maybe we’re “mean?”</p>

8

<p>** Funding of child #1 does not exclude funding for child #2 or #3… everybody gets either same amount from mom & dad (e.g., they’re at the same school) or same percentage (each gets 75% tuition from parents and has to come up with the remainder). </p>

<p>Too early to be thinking this hard!</p>

9

<p>We created college funds in our kids’ names when they were very young. It’s their money- we can’t spend it on ourselves anyway. That alleviates their feeling any kind of guilt. They can spend it on any type of education they want- undergrad, grad, vocational, whatever.</p>

<p>My big payback will be to be able to see my grandchildren a lot. I’ve already volunteered to be the babysitter.</p>

10

<p>We did not pay our parents back with money they spent to send us to college. I also would never want my kids to pay me back for the money we spend on their education. As others have said, the “pay back” is knowing our kids had the opportunities for an education, have made the most of their experiences, and hopefully their education will take them places. We certainly would expect appreciation and I think we’ve gotten it. What we would hope is that they pay it forward and help their children to have similar opportunities. It just keeps getting passed on.</p>

11

<p>Didn’t have to. I attended college for 53$ a semester…at the City University of New York when it was tuition free(prior to 1976)!!All we paid was an activity fee…
My kids don’t have to…both attended (and currently attend) college for no cost…scholarships and wise choices for them…paying for it all…</p>

12

<p>I would never allow my lamb to pay me back. What I do expect is that she will make the best of her opportunities, keep herself safe, and hold down a reasonable part-time job in order to make some contribution and feel an ownership of her education. Beyond that, it’s all me. However, if she slacked off or did something unacceptable, like drugs or being arrested, all bets would be off.</p>

13

<p>My parents also had planned for college for me and my sister, albeit at the state school level, not private, and never expected to be repaid monetarily. (They didn’t expect repayment for their contribution to the cost of my wedding, either.) Since they spent more sending me to a four year than on my sister, who went to a two-year nursing program, they later helped her with a down payment on a townhouse. </p>

<p>Regarding my own Ss, my H planned for and can cover the cost of their UG education, but if they go on they will have to at least partially pay for that. We would rather see them saving money to buy a home or invest it for the needs of future grandchildren than ask them to repay us for the cost of their UG education. Appreciation, gratitude, is payment enough.</p>

14

<p>Add me to the “pay it forward” column. My parents paid for my undergraduate education, I took out loans to pay for law school and I’m sure my parents supplemented a little bit, and it took 10 years to pay off those law school loans.
We just finished paying for S#1’s undergrad education, he was able to get funded for his graduate school education and we still have two in high school. We will pay for their undergrad educations, too, out of the money we have been saving since they were born. I expect some measure of appreciation from all of them, and I guess we are getting it because they are all good kids who give us lots of reasons to be proud of them. Mostly outside of the house, of course. ;)</p>

15

<p>I meant my H and I planned for…Some of those investments were my ideas!</p>

16

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<p>That’s how I paid/am paying my parents back, too. I won’t ever consider it “repaid.”</p>

17

<p>So much depends on the family and the financial needs of your parents and your financial status once you have been out of school for a time.</p>

<p>We share what seems to be the common view on this particular thread. We do not want or need to be paid back. We have told our son that we are happy he can finish college debt free and that paying it forward, by offering the same opportunity to his own children, is what we would love for him to be able to do.</p>

18

<p>By all means pay them back if they need it. If they don’t, spoil them rotten. I did and enjoyed every moment.</p>

19

<p>I didn’t have to. I paid half myself–because they moaned so much about the expense even though they had the money.</p>

<p>I spoil my parents when I get the chance-- but mostly I spoil my children–and the children in need in our social sphere. I would like to have enough cash to pay for my children’s children’s private education–and house deposits.</p>

<p>Back to the grindstone!</p>

20

<p>Did I pay my parents back? </p>

<p>Tuition at UW was $300 a semester. They paid for 3 semesters and the GI bill got the rest. I guess I owe them $900 plus interest.</p>