<p>After being at college for a semester, I have developed my own living habits and expectations for myself. However, when I came home 2 weeks ago, I quickly discovered that I couldn’t get along with my parents because my living habits and expectations are no longer aligned with theirs. For example, my parents generously paid for my violin lessons in high school but first semester I picked up learning the guitar (since it was an instrument I actually wanted to play) and I’d rather spend more time practicing that then the violin (which to be honest, they “forced” me to play). However, my parents are somewhat bitter at that and that’s just an example of the tension that’s building between me and my parents. Another example is that my parents constantly yells at me to do stuff that I normally do at another time (I took morning showers for example at college and my family takes showers at night; my parents don’t like watching TV and think that most shows now a days are inappropriate, I love watching certain TV shows such as Scrubs, Friends and on and on). I try to help my parents out as much as possible and I feel bad because I know that by coming home, I should make them happier instead of bitter and angry especially since they are helping out with my college tuition. We didn’t exactly get along before college but it seems that things are somewhat worst now than before.</p>
<p>Is this common between students after their first semester at college and what do you as parents think I should do?</p>
<p>What should you do? You need to compromise. I’m a parent…and I DO understand that my kids live a different kind of life when they are not at home. BUT when they come home, there are certain things they have to do in our home. For example…I know my kids stay up and go out at all hours of the night in college…but while they are at home, we ask that they keep somewhat reasonable hours as we (parents) still have to go to work and function during daytime hours. Meals are served at a specified time ONLY. This isn’t a restaurant. Our kids are asked to be respectful of the others in the house. We also have shower schedules here…there are four of us and the reality is we can’t all use the shower at the same time. </p>
<p>The first trip home is the worst. After that, it gets better, really it does. First of all…if you can show your parents how you’ve grown and matured, you will get a lot more mileage the next trip home than if all you do is complain about their “rules”. </p>
<p>Pierre, You’re getting your own habits and it’s hard for your parents to readjust to having you at home. You haven’t mentioned any siblings, so I’m not sure how that plays a role, but it most definitely does.</p>
<p>Some of these things are what’s important for your parents and not for you. They like to know you’re still playing violin, for instance, and probably worry that the guitar takes away from that. If you can reassure them that it isn’t, that will may cool some tension. Other things like morning vs night showers aren’t worth an argument, and maybe they can be reminded of that.</p>
<p>Then there are some activities, like tv watching, that might need to wait. It’s not that you need to change everything now that you’re back home, but knowing these things annoy your parents may be reason to stay away from “the box” a bit as everyone readjusts their ways together.</p>
<p>I know there are certain topics that are like oil on fire with my mother. Religion is a dreadful topic for us and I avoid it whenever possible. I know it’ll be an argument, and so I simply skirt the issue to avoid much discussion. </p>
<p>Getting along with a different generation isn’t easy, especially when you move away, but remember the good times and what brings you together, and focus on that instead. It’s hard on your parents too, but if you can talk about these little issues when it’s not “in the middle of a shouting match”, then you’ll find some compromises.</p>
<p>Of course, and very natural too. They are growing more independent and yet you expect the same behavior from them as the last time they were home. </p>
<p>They are half in, and out of the nest. A confusing situation for all especially for them. And it won’t be truly resolved until they are indeed fully out of the nest. All and all, a very natural occurrence.</p>
<p>It gets better, it really does. My oldest is now a junior (and 21) and he is so much more relaxed and not running around like a crazy person when he is home and driving me crazy by sleeping until 2 in the afternoon and running around all night so his lifestyle which is now realigning more with our lifestyle is in turn makes me more relaxed. As time goes on everyone settles down. You are changing in your likes, wants and needs and they, too, adjusted to not having you around so when you are back together…friction. Now my 18 year old #2 is making me crazy because he is becoming more independent and less reliant and more individual and running around all the timeand also hitting that up all night sleep all day period. Some of it is just something I think we all go through (kids and parents alike) between 17 and 21. Hang in there. Whether it’s TV, or personal hours, or TV shows…matters not, it’s just the process of becoming you own person an your parents adjusting to the person you’ve becoming.</p>
<p>All families are different and I would never say that you or your parents are wrong but it’s easy to see that your not being their baby boy is causing some tension on both sides. And because they are not here let’s talk about how you can help alleviate some of the tension. Perhaps you could remember that your parents are people with their own values, hobbies, history and life questions. I would suggest that you honor your parents by asking them more about themselves (individually) and listening intently, because their history is your history. You may find that you still have more in common than not and feel like family as you go through this transaction together. Take your Mom to lunch, and your Dad to an all night breakfast diner and chat… Just my ideas… (By the way this works because “kids” are more interested in whats on TV and adults are more interested in relationships. - They will feel the difference, and most likely appreciate it). Good Luck…</p>
<p>Sometimes it’s hard to remember that my kids are not still 10. It helps when we both remember to act like adults and respect one another. A lot of it will come from your attitude.</p>
<p>My oldest S, now a college grad, mastered the technique early. He anticipated our concerns (“where are you going? when will you be back?”) by providing us with the information and assuring us that he would call if his plans changed.</p>
<p>For you, the parallel might be the shower schedule. They’re not really concerned about what time of day you take your shower. What they really want to know is that you still connect with the family traditions and values. It might be nice for you to play the violin for them and then (subtly!) show them how all those years of lessons have helped you learn the guitar…and how you’re adding to your experiences, not turning away from them.</p>
<p>They have missed you a lot more than you have missed them. Throw them a bone!</p>
<p>Tension? Why just because DD is doing laundry at 2 am in the morning and the dryer is next to my bedroom wall. DD stayed up to 4 am or so last night and I still wake up at 5 am to WORK. It’s Christmas and DD will probably sleep in till afternoon. No perfectly merry Christmas around here. LOL</p>
<p>Sure, there’s tension, but what you’re describing, Pierre, seems worse than usual.</p>
<p>I think most tension between parents and students during break revolves around the students’ desire to maintain much of the same lifestyle they have at college (including late hours), which conflicts with the lifestyle of working adults. Also, everyone has a tendency to fall back into the habits they had when the student was in high school, but some of them are no longer appropriate.</p>
<p>In your case, though, Pierre, I think that something more significant is going on. It sounds as though your parents are unhappy with some aspects of your lifestyle (such as changes in your taste in television and musical instruments), but that these things are only evident to them during breaks. And there may be other issues as well. I have to say that there has been plenty of tension between me and my kids during breaks, but I would never have picked a fight with either of them over the morning shower/evening shower issue – unless they chose to take showers while others were asleep (the noise of the shower would wake my husband up). </p>
<p>Perhaps a serious conversation with your parents would be in order. Maybe you can figure out what’s really bugging them.</p>
<p>I agree with thumper that the first long break at home is the worst. Subsequent breaks went more smoothly as my sons accepted the fact that they are in our home & have to be considerate of the rest of us & we accepted that they’d be up until 3am & sleeping til 2pm. The only meal we expect to have together is dinner, which for my sons may be their first meal of the day.</p>
<p>We still have to remind them to put dishes in the dishwasher & S1 has developed the awful habit of not putting down the toilet seat (that’s not what we taught him), but other than that we get along well.</p>
<p>try to meet your parents halfway. For example, go into your room and practice your violin for awhile. No need to say anything or make a show of it. Just let them hear their favorite music emanating from your room. You might actually find it relaxing and enjoyable.</p>
<p>Over dinner, tell them how much you appreciate college. Talk about professors and new things you are learning, all the things you know they will like to hear. Talk about how hard you worked. Slip in how this is the first time in years you don’t have to worry about school over winter vacation…and how tv is such a chance to escape from all the academic pressure. And talk about how you are spending some time getting ready for the next semester as well…reviewing material, checking out the new syllabi, etc . Talk about how at college you got used to showering in the morning so you would be wide awake for classes and ready to go for the day…and ask right out if it really bothers them? Is a morning shower putting them behind in their getting-ready-to-go-to work routines–then you need to be more flexible.</p>
<p>The idea is to set their minds at ease while at the same time letting them understand the changes in you and letting them know that you are still quintessentially their son just with a few new habits that really aren’t so alarming after all.</p>
<p>It’s obvious that they love you and you love them so just remember to put that first. the rest is all just details</p>
When I was a kid, I was a competitive swimmer. Although my parents did not invest any money in my swimming, they were proud of my achievements, and were always very supportive.
At age 37 I decided to join my kids at their Taekwondo lessons. I turned out to be good at it, and eventually earned a black belt. When I told my father about it, his response was: “i hope this does not come at the expense of your swimming”. I did not bother reminding him that I quit swimming 23 years ago.
Parents can be really weird sometimes…</p>
<p>It does get better as time moves on. I don’t think that you should have to pretend to be playing the violin when your passion is now the guitar as others suggest. Everyone will adjust eventually. This is all new territory.
We each have to learn to accept the other as the adult they are and the adult they are becoming.</p>
<p>The tension here is a bit different. Only child (a D), now junior, is feeling that our home is not her “home” and that, if fact, she has no home. (And this is not becuase of physical changes to her room, her stuff or the house generally; it is purely emotional.) She has been very critical and disrespectful, which I think is manifestation of her extreme stress. (Even during this break she has tons of work for her EC.) I have found myself crying most days it is so hurtful.</p>
<p>One of her themes this week has been that we don’t love her. She also is experiencing sibling rivalry for the first time with her 33 (recently married) half brother. It is so annoying and so childish.</p>
<p>She has been an exemplary student, but her stess level is always high. I keep waiting for the day that she will realize she needs to take control of that problem because there is no more we can do for her.</p>